Aha. But that goes both ways, you see? Why not flip that over and say well, is it problematic for the person who sees the other statement as offensive or malicious when it isn't? If it seems their typical way of speaking and interacting with people, why not assume that it's honest and sincere and backed by good motives, instead of assuming it's the opposite because it's the opposite of how you'd put it?I really don't know what to say if people perceive that approach as insincere but I would say it's more problematic for those who automatically interpret similar statements as insincere than the ones making them. I'd say if this seems to be the person's typical way of interacting with people then I'd assume it was sincere and honest and deal with it with that in mind.
As I said, I don't talk to "most people" in that way. If I don't think they're ready to hear it candidly, I just don't say anything at all. If they're at that stage, then whatever you say to them, even the most tactful and sensitive approach, could still be misread either as an attack or an endorsement of how they already go about things.Do most people respond with you pointing out what they do wrong with grace, humility, and calm acceptance? If I'm going to do this (most people its not even worth it because I'm not invested enough in them to bother) I try to figure out their reactions first and work from those.
That's what I was saying: if it cuts both ways, why is it automatically the T who has to adapt and change their approach?There seems to be a lot of things read into the Fe-ish comments that weren't there so this really cuts both ways I suppose.
Most obviously, priests during confession. I was never one of your robotic, go to confession in the box with anonymous priest behind semi-opaque grille types. I spoke face to face with a confessor I was on close terms with, and chose him because I knew he'd give it to me, no punches pulled. But also amongst my friends we're very candid with each other all the time. Did you never hang out with a bunch of guys for a day and see how they interact with each other, typically? There isn't much sugar coating there at all, and yet fights don't seem to be breaking out all the time at your local garage...With whom? How they say things doesn't matter at all? If they're privy to personal and intimate knowledge about you I would view them as being in the greatest position to do the most harm and most good so I would be more sensitive to how they say things. Random Joe and Jane Blow on the street I wouldn't give two shits about but someone I care about cutting into me would be a. It all depends on the spirit and context in which it's done so in a frank and honest discussion I still expect respect and no low blows.
I think you're forgetting the detachment factor as well... people can say what they like, whoever they are, however personal... it doesn't tend to bother me cos it's almost like we're talking about someone else; I objectify my very self by habit, so... the only things that irritate me are things like when a person starts to give their own value to my words, put words into my mouth, tell me what I think and feel, not listen to me... these are things that obscure and prevent clear communication, thereby causing unnecessary difficulty, which is extremely inefficient to everything and just about any purpose you might have. So they bother me on that level. I'd honestly get more het up about something happening that doesn't specifically target my own person, but more a symptom or cause of widespread social ills, than I would about an actual personal comment or even intended insult.
That's why I've adopted philosophies that minimize the possibility of me wanting or intending to hurt, however much a person pisses me off. That's why I repress and restrain my emotions - cos they're just too violent and intense to be allowed out to play without hurting the other boys and girls. Bit like a Vulcan
Sorry for the multiple posts guys, I was asleep whilst you were saying that stuff so I had to catch up in the morning