[NT] NT: what do you wish your parents had known about you?

[Nighthawk]

Yes, I think your stile of parenting should depend heavily on the type of kids you have. However I think that your type is determind for a large part at how you raise your kids in their first years of life as well and that raising your kid in a given way will make that he has a bigger chance of turning out a specific type. Somebody should actually study this though. I think it's is an interesting theory but I don't know anything about parenting.

I've wrestled with this one quite a bit, and I'm still not sure where I come down on the nature vs. nurture debate. Sometimes I think we're hard wired with a certain template at or before birth ... other times I believe that how we are raised affects it. Unfortunately I wasn't there very much during my son's early years (deployed with the military) ... and didn't acquire my step-daughter until she was already 9 years old. I'm not sure what kind of impact I could have had. Ironically, my son turned out to be an INTP just like me. We get along quite well now, although I was somewhat of a prick while he was growing up. I would probably have been a better parent if I'd waited until my 30s to have children ... but that's all water under the bridge.

 

[Son of the Damned]

I was raised by a pair of NFs, so I got an abundance of encouragement and advice throughout my life. In fact, there was very little friction at home. Expect for our emotional value clashes. My family is almost entirely F (myself and grandfather excluded) so feeling dominated our interactions. Thus, I was in almost constant conflict with them thanks to my own emotional distance and desire to keep my feelings to myself.

Something to keep in mind is you shouldn't try and force her to talk about her feelings as she gets older. If she wants to talk to you, she will talk. ENTJ/Ps don't do anything unless they want to.

 

[Shimmy]

I've wrestled with this one quite a bit, and I'm still not sure where I come down on the nature vs. nurture debate. Sometimes I think we're hard wired with a certain template at or before birth ... other times I believe that how we are raised affects it. Unfortunately I wasn't there very much during my son's early years (deployed with the military) ... and didn't acquire my step-daughter until she was already 9 years old. I'm not sure what kind of impact I could have had. Ironically, my son turned out to be an INTP just like me. We get along quite well now, although I was somewhat of a prick while he was growing up. I would probably have been a better parent if I'd waited until my 30s to have children ... but that's all water under the bridge.

I see what you mean, parenting would be so much easier if you just 'knew' the answers, right? Well, nobody has the answers, but what eventually makes you a good parent is how you cope with that.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I would probably have been a better parent if I'd waited until my 30s to have children ... but that's all water under the bridge.

I wonder about that, too, and often conclude that I'd be a better parent if I were in my 30s AND had already raised a few kids. I wonder if anything can possibly prepare you for parenthood besides, well, parenthood. I tell my kids all the time: "Mommy's doing the best she can...and I'm saving up a counseling fund for your mid twenties."


For everyone who's mentioned they have kids...I'm currently reading "Nurture by Nature", which is sort of a book about MBTI types in children. It's an interesting read, and has raised in my mind a lot of the questions you mentioned, Nighthawk, about the nurture/nature thing. It's been a really insightful read, so far.


I think I've always displayed INFJ (and INFP when I was younger) traits, but around my family I tended to act more like an ENFP, or even an ESFP, because that's who they liked me to be. I was always pushed to be a performer, and I was good at it...and good at hiding the "real" me. I wonder how much of that *caused* me to form an inner life that was really intricate. Hmm. I have no clue. My guess is it's a combination of nature/nurture.

 

[substitute]

I was raised by a pair of NFs, so I got an abundance of encouragement and advice throughout my life. In fact, there was very little friction at home. Expect for our emotional value clashes. My family is almost entirely F (myself and grandfather excluded) so feeling dominated our interactions. Thus, I was in almost constant conflict with them thanks to my own emotional distance and desire to keep my feelings to myself.

Something to keep in mind is you shouldn't try and force her to talk about her feelings as she gets older. If she wants to talk to you, she will talk. ENTJ/Ps don't do anything unless they want to.

I'll second this, as I'm the only T in my family (or that is, I have a T daughter but I grew up in an entirely F family). I mean sure, encouragement... but often of the wrong kind. I didn't need my person validating, I didn't want unreserved praise of my work. I wanted detailed critique and reassurance that what I was doing was worthwhile, that I didn't suck at it - but I wanted telling if I did, so I could get better.

It was no fun growing up around people who saw me as cold, aloof, detached, and at worst, actually mean and evil. There was just no understanding there at all about the way I work, and to this day I still feel like just being myself isn't good enough for a lot of people, I have to put on an F mask. That's diminished over the years, a bit, but there's still the subconscious feeling a lot of the time that whatever I think, if I just say it without wrapping it in a zillion layers of sugar coating, will be disapproved of. Or even, that I can't say what I think at all, and in years gone by I'd even feel like I wasn't even allowed to think it, because it was a sign of how "mean" I was.

I just felt constantly demonized. my reaction varied between huge insecurity and withdrawal, to just ending up blocking it all out and saying FUCK IT, and doing as I pleased, defiantly refusing to care.

 

[Qre:us]

That my acting out was less about behaviour problems and more about a commentary on my surroundings (and its lack of stimuli).

That the way to get me to do stuff was to appeal to my logic. Don't tell me 'Just cuz I am a parent and I said so'.

That every time I challenged, trying to supress it would NOT work in their favour, but make the matter worse. That they should appeal to the source of my challenge and address that.

That I'd be happiest if they played to fuel my curiosity (my mom actually did this, in spades...she's INFP, not so much my ESTJ dad).

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I just felt constantly demonized. my reaction varied between huge insecurity and withdrawal, to just ending up blocking it all out and saying FUCK IT, and doing as I pleased, defiantly refusing to care.

That seriously sucks...must've been insanely frustrating.

That they should appeal to the source of my challenge and address that.

Love this. That's really doable, actually.

 

[mortabunt]

What do I wish my parents knew about me: I have almost no feeling unless highly stressed.

 

[Jwill]

I also come from a completely F-filled family, but considering that, I think my parents have always been extremely understanding and supportive of who I am and how I act.

One thing that I always hated was when I was growing up and they'd withhold important information from me. For example, we were having financial problems when I was in high school, but they never told me anything about them. All I knew was that there were problems. When we lost our house, I found out how bad the problems were. I would have been more at ease if they'd just been upfront with me. Keeping me in the dark was their way of protecting me or something, but they failed to remember that I'm not a very emotional person, that I have a thick skin, and I NEED to have pertinent knowledge.

That said, I believe in honesty and freedom of information more than just about anything, and that's one thing I plan to change about the parenting skills I've been taught when I have kids.

 

[substitute]

One thing that I always hated was when I was growing up and they'd withhold important information from me. ... Keeping me in the dark was their way of protecting me or something, but they failed to remember that I'm not a very emotional person, that I have a thick skin, and I NEED to have pertinent knowledge.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. My parents did the same thing to me - until my much older brother told me they were getting divorced, I had been completely oblivious to there being any problems at all between them. So, my world was completely shattered and blown apart unexpectedly, and I had to suddenly adapt to an entirely different and uncertain future than that which I'd been accustomed to seeing for myself.

 

[mortabunt]

My family is all T. There are 2 NT (ENTJ mother and INTPmyself.) an SJ (ISTJ brother .) and an XXTP dad that I don't have the type of.

 

[thisGuy]

i think id rather had my parents not know too much about me other than if i was capable or incapable

i want to go through all that adversity
i dont want my parents to adjust their schedules just cuz im a very strong P and go through bouts of ADD
i dont want life to be a bed of roses

it makes me for a better person when i grow up

 

[substitute]

the way I see it thisGuy, life throws enough shit at you already, you don't have to go looking for it in your own home.

 

[ghoti]

I wish my parents realized that intimidation and yelling isn't the best way to communicate with me, and that my refusal to respond to the yelling wasn't to be disobedient or disrespectful, but because it made me shut down.

I wish my mother would allow me to do things by my own method, as long as the end results were the same. I wish she didn't project her insecurities onto me, or claim that I thought she was stupid. I wish she didn't accuse me of being cruel and insensitive just because I don't constantly outwardly display my emotions. I wish she allowed me to make my own decisions more, instead of telling me what I want. She never allowed me room to make my own mistakes and couldn't accept that maybe I wanted different things than her.

 

[Jwill]

Wow, ghoti. Is your mother an ESFJ?

 

[ghoti]

From what I know of her, yes. I'm impressed. Though she'll claim she's an I since she stays home a lot.

Her micromanaging stressed me out a lot when I was younger. I actually had a nightmare last night about it. It's pathetic being 21 and still terrified of my mother, even though I live half the country away now. She'll send me e-mails full of thinly veiled insults and call me too sensitive when I ask her to stop mocking me.

It's such small things that make her go off, like if I buy the wrong brand of scissors or that I prefer fabric softener sheets to the liquid. If I don't verbalize agreement after every statement she makes, I'm being rude and ignoring her because I obviously must think she's stupid. When I have different preferences than her, it's clearly because I'm trying to contradict her since I think she's stupid. When I don't arrange all the clothes in my closet by colour and sleeve length, it's because I'm lazy and just trying to piss her off.

And then she goes on to claim that we're SO MUCH ALIKE. I try very hard not to hate my mother, but she makes it difficult for me to feel close to her.

 

[The Decline]

I wish they had:

- Understood that my approach to learning is unique, and I can be timid in this regard
- That I have a severe disdain for thoughtless authority
- Fed my intellectual hunger more
- Let me keep my room dirty

From what I know of her, yes. I'm impressed. Though she'll claim she's an I since she stays home a lot.

Her micromanaging stressed me out a lot when I was younger. I actually had a nightmare last night about it. It's pathetic being 21 and still terrified of my mother, even though I live half the country away now. She'll send me e-mails full of thinly veiled insults and call me too sensitive when I ask her to stop mocking me.

It's such small things that make her go off, like if I buy the wrong brand of scissors or that I prefer fabric softener sheets to the liquid. If I don't verbalize agreement after every statement she makes, I'm being rude and ignoring her because I obviously must think she's stupid. When I have different preferences than her, it's clearly because I'm trying to contradict her since I think she's stupid. When I don't arrange all the clothes in my closet by colour and sleeve length, it's because I'm lazy and just trying to piss her off.

And then she goes on to claim that we're SO MUCH ALIKE. I try very hard not to hate my mother, but she makes it difficult for me to feel close to her.

I feel sorry for you At times I wish I had more parental involvement in my life, but then I meet or hear about overbearing parents...

 

[sculpting]

Yes, I think your stile of parenting should depend heavily on the type of kids you have. However I think that your type is determind for a large part at how you raise your kids in their first years of life as well and that raising your kid in a given way will make that he has a bigger chance of turning out a specific type. Somebody should actually study this though. I think it's is an interesting theory but I don't know anything about parenting.

you know I think there is more hard wiring at work.

My first kid has been emo, cuddly, whiny, and spastic, and silly from very early. Very much needed physical contact and cuddling, very fussy young, invented the art of spooning and would wrap his entire body around whatever appendage he could find. Loved everybody as a baby. no internal sense of structure at all and was very flexible. He is now the sweetest most annoying 13 yo enfp in the universe.

My second kid popped out of the womb tough. At three months he would stare down total strangers. Hated to be held by anybody besides mom or family. hated my ISFJ friend most of all. By six months he would take hot wheel cars, belly drag himself across the floor and proceed to hit his brother in the head with them. Very early he found a routine and stuck with it. At two he is a fan of household pet domination, mopping, picking out my clothes for me to wear, and insisting that I need shoes on. He still stares strangers down in disgust. Changes in his schedule make him very upset. He loves to cook. He already lets me know he is somewhat disappointed in my lack of routine, schedule and general task performance. IXTJ but I lean hopefully towards an N.

 

[CJ99]

From what I know of her, yes. I'm impressed. Though she'll claim she's an I since she stays home a lot.

Her micromanaging stressed me out a lot when I was younger. I actually had a nightmare last night about it. It's pathetic being 21 and still terrified of my mother, even though I live half the country away now. She'll send me e-mails full of thinly veiled insults and call me too sensitive when I ask her to stop mocking me.

It's such small things that make her go off, like if I buy the wrong brand of scissors or that I prefer fabric softener sheets to the liquid. If I don't verbalize agreement after every statement she makes, I'm being rude and ignoring her because I obviously must think she's stupid. When I have different preferences than her, it's clearly because I'm trying to contradict her since I think she's stupid. When I don't arrange all the clothes in my closet by colour and sleeve length, it's because I'm lazy and just trying to piss her off.

And then she goes on to claim that we're SO MUCH ALIKE. I try very hard not to hate my mother, but she makes it difficult for me to feel close to her.

I can totally relate to that except my Mum was never as strict. She would moan rather than actually do anything, just constantly moan. Does your mum also try to say whatever she thinks she should rather than what she thinks?

 

[ghoti]

I can totally relate to that except my Mum was never as strict. She would moan rather than actually do anything, just constantly moan. Does your mum also try to say whatever she thinks she should rather than what she thinks?

Apparently my mother was even more high strung before I was born. I can't even imagine. Now she mostly lets things build before completely snapping without warning. The most frustrating part is she never voices her expectations or when she thinks you're doing things incorrectly until she has decided it's been enough. Claiming you had no idea you were doing anything wrong is the worst way to go in that situation, too.

I'm not sure what you mean by that, but not as far as I can tell.