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  1. #61
    Senior Member Nighthawk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    Yes, I think your stile of parenting should depend heavily on the type of kids you have. However I think that your type is determind for a large part at how you raise your kids in their first years of life as well and that raising your kid in a given way will make that he has a bigger chance of turning out a specific type. Somebody should actually study this though. I think it's is an interesting theory but I don't know anything about parenting.
    I've wrestled with this one quite a bit, and I'm still not sure where I come down on the nature vs. nurture debate. Sometimes I think we're hard wired with a certain template at or before birth ... other times I believe that how we are raised affects it. Unfortunately I wasn't there very much during my son's early years (deployed with the military) ... and didn't acquire my step-daughter until she was already 9 years old. I'm not sure what kind of impact I could have had. Ironically, my son turned out to be an INTP just like me. We get along quite well now, although I was somewhat of a prick while he was growing up. I would probably have been a better parent if I'd waited until my 30s to have children ... but that's all water under the bridge.

  2. #62
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    I was raised by a pair of NFs, so I got an abundance of encouragement and advice throughout my life. In fact, there was very little friction at home. Expect for our emotional value clashes. My family is almost entirely F (myself and grandfather excluded) so feeling dominated our interactions. Thus, I was in almost constant conflict with them thanks to my own emotional distance and desire to keep my feelings to myself.

    Something to keep in mind is you shouldn't try and force her to talk about her feelings as she gets older. If she wants to talk to you, she will talk. ENTJ/Ps don't do anything unless they want to.

  3. #63
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nighthawk View Post
    I've wrestled with this one quite a bit, and I'm still not sure where I come down on the nature vs. nurture debate. Sometimes I think we're hard wired with a certain template at or before birth ... other times I believe that how we are raised affects it. Unfortunately I wasn't there very much during my son's early years (deployed with the military) ... and didn't acquire my step-daughter until she was already 9 years old. I'm not sure what kind of impact I could have had. Ironically, my son turned out to be an INTP just like me. We get along quite well now, although I was somewhat of a prick while he was growing up. I would probably have been a better parent if I'd waited until my 30s to have children ... but that's all water under the bridge.
    I see what you mean, parenting would be so much easier if you just 'knew' the answers, right? Well, nobody has the answers, but what eventually makes you a good parent is how you cope with that.

  4. #64
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nighthawk View Post
    I would probably have been a better parent if I'd waited until my 30s to have children ... but that's all water under the bridge.
    I wonder about that, too, and often conclude that I'd be a better parent if I were in my 30s AND had already raised a few kids. I wonder if anything can possibly prepare you for parenthood besides, well, parenthood. I tell my kids all the time: "Mommy's doing the best she can...and I'm saving up a counseling fund for your mid twenties."


    For everyone who's mentioned they have kids...I'm currently reading "Nurture by Nature", which is sort of a book about MBTI types in children. It's an interesting read, and has raised in my mind a lot of the questions you mentioned, Nighthawk, about the nurture/nature thing. It's been a really insightful read, so far.


    I think I've always displayed INFJ (and INFP when I was younger) traits, but around my family I tended to act more like an ENFP, or even an ESFP, because that's who they liked me to be. I was always pushed to be a performer, and I was good at it...and good at hiding the "real" me. I wonder how much of that *caused* me to form an inner life that was really intricate. Hmm. I have no clue. My guess is it's a combination of nature/nurture.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  5. #65
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Son of the Damned View Post
    I was raised by a pair of NFs, so I got an abundance of encouragement and advice throughout my life. In fact, there was very little friction at home. Expect for our emotional value clashes. My family is almost entirely F (myself and grandfather excluded) so feeling dominated our interactions. Thus, I was in almost constant conflict with them thanks to my own emotional distance and desire to keep my feelings to myself.

    Something to keep in mind is you shouldn't try and force her to talk about her feelings as she gets older. If she wants to talk to you, she will talk. ENTJ/Ps don't do anything unless they want to.
    I'll second this, as I'm the only T in my family (or that is, I have a T daughter but I grew up in an entirely F family). I mean sure, encouragement... but often of the wrong kind. I didn't need my person validating, I didn't want unreserved praise of my work. I wanted detailed critique and reassurance that what I was doing was worthwhile, that I didn't suck at it - but I wanted telling if I did, so I could get better.

    It was no fun growing up around people who saw me as cold, aloof, detached, and at worst, actually mean and evil. There was just no understanding there at all about the way I work, and to this day I still feel like just being myself isn't good enough for a lot of people, I have to put on an F mask. That's diminished over the years, a bit, but there's still the subconscious feeling a lot of the time that whatever I think, if I just say it without wrapping it in a zillion layers of sugar coating, will be disapproved of. Or even, that I can't say what I think at all, and in years gone by I'd even feel like I wasn't even allowed to think it, because it was a sign of how "mean" I was.

    I just felt constantly demonized. my reaction varied between huge insecurity and withdrawal, to just ending up blocking it all out and saying FUCK IT, and doing as I pleased, defiantly refusing to care.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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  6. #66
    Senior Member Qre:us's Avatar
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    That my acting out was less about behaviour problems and more about a commentary on my surroundings (and its lack of stimuli).

    That the way to get me to do stuff was to appeal to my logic. Don't tell me 'Just cuz I am a parent and I said so'.

    That every time I challenged, trying to supress it would NOT work in their favour, but make the matter worse. That they should appeal to the source of my challenge and address that.

    That I'd be happiest if they played to fuel my curiosity (my mom actually did this, in spades...she's INFP, not so much my ESTJ dad).

  7. #67
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    I just felt constantly demonized. my reaction varied between huge insecurity and withdrawal, to just ending up blocking it all out and saying FUCK IT, and doing as I pleased, defiantly refusing to care.
    That seriously sucks...must've been insanely frustrating.

    That they should appeal to the source of my challenge and address that.
    Love this. That's really doable, actually.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  8. #68
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    What do I wish my parents knew about me: I have almost no feeling unless highly stressed.

  9. #69
    Member Jwill's Avatar
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    I also come from a completely F-filled family, but considering that, I think my parents have always been extremely understanding and supportive of who I am and how I act.

    One thing that I always hated was when I was growing up and they'd withhold important information from me. For example, we were having financial problems when I was in high school, but they never told me anything about them. All I knew was that there were problems. When we lost our house, I found out how bad the problems were. I would have been more at ease if they'd just been upfront with me. Keeping me in the dark was their way of protecting me or something, but they failed to remember that I'm not a very emotional person, that I have a thick skin, and I NEED to have pertinent knowledge.

    That said, I believe in honesty and freedom of information more than just about anything, and that's one thing I plan to change about the parenting skills I've been taught when I have kids.

  10. #70
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jwill View Post
    One thing that I always hated was when I was growing up and they'd withhold important information from me. ... Keeping me in the dark was their way of protecting me or something, but they failed to remember that I'm not a very emotional person, that I have a thick skin, and I NEED to have pertinent knowledge.
    I agree with this wholeheartedly. My parents did the same thing to me - until my much older brother told me they were getting divorced, I had been completely oblivious to there being any problems at all between them. So, my world was completely shattered and blown apart unexpectedly, and I had to suddenly adapt to an entirely different and uncertain future than that which I'd been accustomed to seeing for myself.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

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