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  1. #1
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    Default The iceman and the child

    Do any of you guys feel like a half completed puzzle?

    What I mean is, I have always felt a great tension between the two sides of myself, the hyper-competent ice man (dominant personality traits), and the confused, frightened and lonely child (inferior traits). I understand that, to a certain extent, this may be more reflective of my level of maturity than anything else (although I certainly hope not).

    In a gross over generalization, I have divided the entirety of my personality into the two sides mentioned above. The iceman is my public persona. The character I don everyday prior to school, or when I go out with large groups of acquaintances. This character is basically my default setting and the one in which I spend the majority of my time. This is the DiscoBiscuit that the world sees. I am comfortable in this character and wear it well. I feel that the iceman is the real world expression of my dominant traits and that this side of myself is the reason I have been able to succeed continuously in my academic and business pursuits. The iceman however, has limited powers. Put him in a social situation, and his abilities to utilize logic, assess the strengths and weaknesses of others, and see the big picture do not offer the same benefits as they do in academic/business world. His quick thinking and ice cold logic fail him completely when he needs to fit in with feelers (or is interested in hitting on a girl and finding some common ground). So, alienated by his own inability to bridge the emotional gap between himself and many (but by no means all) others, he hides behind his intellect and humor so as to remain a functional part of the social interaction. The group picks up on the walls of intellect and humor that the iceman places between others and himself. Consequently, the iceman never really becomes part of the group because of it.

    The other deeper side is the child inside. I call this side of myself the child because over the course of my life, I have protected this part of myself so steadfastly that I rarely let others see it. And when I do express this side, it is only to those very near and dear to me. This child is where many of my most closely held convictions come from. These include my ideas on what love should be, my religious beliefs, and my convictions on fairness and equality. Moreover, this side is also where the possibility of true happiness resides. This is the side that I would relish sharing with a SO and where the entirety of my innocence, altruism and humanity come from. Unfortunately, with the possibility of true happiness also comes the possibility of true loss. This side is the vulnerable, gullible, willing to assume the best of others, always gets hurt side of myself.

    Basically the main bullet point of this thread is this. How have you NT's been able to bypass the iceman (dominant Te) and allow your vulnerable, sympathetic side to show through?

    I feel like I would be happier if I was able to more readily display this side of myself to others. Also, I feel as if girls, and others in social situations would be far more receptive to me if I was able to find a healthier balance between the expression of the iceman and the child.

  2. #2
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    DiscoBiscuit -

    I believe this is a TJ trait. I will be very interested in what answer you collectively come to. You've got the problem figured out though and if you can come up with a good solution, you could take over the world! Many adoring NFs await the replies rolling in.

  3. #3
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Well I think you know all that you must about yourself.

    What you now need is someone to share it with.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  4. #4
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    Blackwater, was this the kind of thing you were looking for...?

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Well I think you know all that you must about yourself.

    What you now need is someone to share it with.
    I absolutely agree with this.

    I just haven't met anyone who I was comfortable sharing my inner child with who felt the same about me

    edit: I actually did, but she turned out to be bipolar and I was 17 and that relationship ended years ago.

  6. #6
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Want a Scotch too ? I got that really nice bottle of a 16 year old, I just shared with Trinity ?!
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  7. #7
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    Two fingers please.

  8. #8
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Here you go, to love and may I finally one day go to bed before I again drank far too much -.- skol !
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  9. #9
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Firstly, I agree with fidelia that this isn't just an NT thing. I can almost completely relate to the iceman/child concept. (Of course, you mentioned that it's dominant Te, and I share that particular trait with ENTJs.) There are some differences. though. For instance, I don't know if "iceman" is appropriate, metaphorically, considering that my "default setting", as you put it, is cheery, joking, dramatic and gregarious. I probably have three settings, come to think of it, with "iceman" referring to how I act in a work setting, "child" referring to me in my most vulnerable moments, and the third being me in social settings, when I'm trying to impress people with humor and storytelling (keeping in mind, of course, that all three of them are "me", and that I am not the sort of person who puts on acts, generally). I have NO idea if this applies to NTs, but it's how I am.

    Secondly, to answer your question (even though I'm not an NT), I've bypassed the iceman (and third persona?) by learning to see opportunities to open up, and take advantage of them. For instance, if I've been friends with someone for a while, and they start to open up to me, I might give a proportional anecdote that makes me vulnerable as well. The unpleasantness of the vulnerability is counterbalanced by the sympathy from the other party. If they aren't sympathetic, well, stuff happens, and I won't presume that that's how it'll be next time.
    Although, for the sake of full disclosure, it's been easier to bypass the iceman because I'm female. Friendships between women encourage bringing out the "child" much more so than friendships between men. I've had a lot of practice with it, since that's what's socially acceptable. (Based on that experience, I can tell you that yes, revealing your "child" will give you some advantage with girls, since, as they say, girls like sensitive guys.)
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  10. #10
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    Do any of you guys feel like a half completed puzzle?

    What I mean is, I have always felt a great tension between the two sides of myself, the hyper-competent ice man (dominant personality traits), and the confused, frightened and lonely child (inferior traits). I understand that, to a certain extent, this may be more reflective of my level of maturity than anything else (although I certainly hope not).

    In a gross over generalization, I have divided the entirety of my personality into the two sides mentioned above. The iceman is my public persona. The character I don everyday prior to school, or when I go out with large groups of acquaintances. This character is basically my default setting and the one in which I spend the majority of my time. This is the DiscoBiscuit that the world sees. I am comfortable in this character and wear it well. I feel that the iceman is the real world expression of my dominant traits and that this side of myself is the reason I have been able to succeed continuously in my academic and business pursuits. The iceman however, has limited powers. Put him in a social situation, and his abilities to utilize logic, assess the strengths and weaknesses of others, and see the big picture do not offer the same benefits as they do in academic/business world. His quick thinking and ice cold logic fail him completely when he needs to fit in with feelers (or is interested in hitting on a girl and finding some common ground). So, alienated by his own inability to bridge the emotional gap between himself and many (but by no means all) others, he hides behind his intellect and humor so as to remain a functional part of the social interaction. The group picks up on the walls of intellect and humor that the iceman places between others and himself. Consequently, the iceman never really becomes part of the group because of it.

    The other deeper side is the child inside. I call this side of myself the child because over the course of my life, I have protected this part of myself so steadfastly that I rarely let others see it. And when I do express this side, it is only to those very near and dear to me. This child is where many of my most closely held convictions come from. These include my ideas on what love should be, my religious beliefs, and my convictions on fairness and equality. Moreover, this side is also where the possibility of true happiness resides. This is the side that I would relish sharing with a SO and where the entirety of my innocence, altruism and humanity come from. Unfortunately, with the possibility of true happiness also comes the possibility of true loss. This side is the vulnerable, gullible, willing to assume the best of others, always gets hurt side of myself.

    Basically the main bullet point of this thread is this. How have you NT's been able to bypass the iceman (dominant Te) and allow your vulnerable, sympathetic side to show through?

    I feel like I would be happier if I was able to more readily display this side of myself to others. Also, I feel as if girls, and others in social situations would be far more receptive to me if I was able to find a healthier balance between the expression of the iceman and the child.
    I relate 100% here. These two sides of me always seem at odds. Its funny you used the terms you did... Ice and a Child. Those are the same kinds of mental images I have of myself.

    Ice is exactly how I feel on the outside... like a surface calm covering a storm of emotion underneath. (I'm also an Enneagram 4 heh) If anyone were to take a pick-axe and slam it into that surface, they'd find me shattering to pieces and a cowering child inside, scared to come out.

    I find that when I'm trying to relate to people, to fit into a crowd, its that child that I call on and instead of sharing the FEELINGS of that child, I share the actual childishness and come across as perhaps immature and ridiculous. I joke, I act like an airhead, I laugh... and by doing this I win people over and 'fit in'. I found a long time ago that the serious, know-it-all persona tends to piss people off, so I fluctuate between the two on a situation by situation basis.

    When I started reading your post, I thought immediately of a piece I wrote last year about this time. The first few lines are:


    Molten lava moves amid the caverns deep within
    The splintered flames of passion seem an evil, and a sin.

    Sweetly as she looks away; politely though she nods,
    Her outer calm, and inner fire always seem at odds.

    A fiery, bridled spirit in the form of frozen heat,
    A wild, raging current, but without the Sea to greet.


    The dynamic is always a push/pull of calm and excitement, and I have a hard time reconciling the two sometimes.

    As far as the Feeling part goes and being able to relate to others, I'm still working on that, but I've made great strides in the last few years. I find that the more I 'practice' (This is exactly how I see it), the easier it gets. I 'pretend' that I'm an ExFx, sympathizing with someone, asking questions I may not normally ask, talking to strangers and forcing myself out of that solitude. Sometimes its still awkward and I just don't have the energy for it, but whenever possible I try to over-ride those hermit instincts.

    Keep working at it. It sounds like you have a good grasp of the problem, and being aware of it can help you to change it. Use the knowledge you have to your advantage! Most people never delve far enough into their own motives to understand half of what they do, so you're on the right track!
    Embrace the possibilities.

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