Look post 666! Satan's post! Guess that is funny as this will be my last post here. The more time I spend here the more I realize I dont fit any of these patterns correctly. I was meant to be an ENFP but instead I am a bizarre defective Ne monster with a baby Te and a crazy little wobbly Fi. The more I look under the hood, the more screwed up I feel. I think many of you guys find connections here by finding others who are very much like you, when you cant find them IRL so much.
Instead, by being here, I just figure out I am far more alone than I ever thought I was. At least IRL I can pretend to be normal and put on a good show and use my wierdness to some advantage. By staying here, and watching others, I just feel more and more bizarre each day. It leaves me wondering if i will ever deeply connect to anyone though. I am full of gaps and defects that screw with the interpersonal connectivities most folks have. My puzzle piece doesnt fit into your puzzle. My crystal is twinned. Maybe I will come back in a year or so, but for now, it just gets more and more confusing and I feel more alone and unlike other people, so back to the real world I go for awhile.
Anyways Here are some Ne thoughts I have been having recently. However they could be totally screwed up as I can only connect them with Ne, tickle them with a puny Fi, then frame them in bold Te sounding words, which make me come across as a know-it-all. I dont really know how to do anything else. I am not a feeler or a thinker. I am Ne vacuum cleaner???
I love standing by the ocean. I always thought I was having Se moments here and taking in all the details. Awhile back though I realized there is no Se at all. I now think that ENXPs may swim in a sea of Ne. For me, sometimes it feels like Se, but that is because I push faster, run farther, and am trying to do whatever I can to immerse myself and become one with the pattern that surrounds me. I want Ne to become real time, the possibilities to become real in the moment and never loose touch with those connectivities. I can drown myself in Ne and never loose touch with the pattern, the dance, the complexity again. However when I do fall back out of the pattern, I loose the euphoric rush of hormones that have kept my brain connected in an Ne state, go through a true chemical withdrawl of sorts and feel alone, empty and lost since I dont look inwards much. Perhaps this applies to other ENXPs?
A few Ne examples:
Standing by the ocean, watching waves crash upon each other, ripple up and down cancelling each other out or additively increasing. Once they crash, the water retracts, yet new waves are coming so it is a very unsettling, intoxicating, disorienting feeling of falling as the water comes and goes simultaneously running over, through, and around itself. Once the wave crashes, then the water is flat and there are all the patterns of foam on the top of the water, drifting, dancing, dissolving, reforming, reemerging like a dance. I can watch the patterns play out like this for hours, adding, cancelling, chaos and then reformation. I want to fall into the ocean, and become part of that pattern. (metaphorically)
Looking up at the mountains I feel the same thing. Peaks upon peaks upon peaks all piled up on top of each other, but the same patterns show up, the same shapes, and crannies, the same patterns of bushes and flowers fleeing up the sides of each mountain. In the canyons, the cliffs are layered with rocks of all colors, pink and tan, in layers, that repeat. morph and mold into one another. Again mildly disorienting to just stare at the mountains and exclude all else.. Again I want to touch the walls and hills and become part of the pattern
When I listen to music, the notes, tones, the beats and such and blend together. I listen to the patterns emerge, then disappear, then reemerge, then combine, then cancel. I dance to the music and move with it and get lost in it. Again, I would like to become one with the pattern..
when with a lover, the touches, kisses, and all in between emerge as complexities just like the ocean, with trends that emerge, disappear and than reemrge in a more complex way. I want to become one with this person, thier patterns..
So this line of thought makes me realize I want to drown myself, my individual being, into a larger more meanignful, more complex pattern. I want to become one with something that is complex, neverending, that will continously reform, cancel out, additvely reemerge, reblend, change, evolve, yet neverendlingly repeat and intertwine patterns and webs onto itself. I want to breathe it in, swallow it into my soul, physically, connect across all pieces of what I am.
To the point where I would ALWAYS be connected by that web, be a part of that web and never be isolated again and always be part of that evolution of further complexity, understanding and molding it as it develops and changes.
Perhaps this is the ultimate Ne objective. Or my defective connectivities .