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  1. #11
    Senior Member zago's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluebell View Post
    It happens unconsciously. And it's actually the opposite of analysis - it's auto pilot and can take an insane amount of time to notice (years is not untypical).
    No I mean I think this is overanalysis.

  2. #12
    Senior Member bluebell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zago View Post
    No I mean I think this is overanalysis.
    Heh. No, this is trying to avoid repeating damaging patterns. Going with the flow is why I ended up where I did.
    ...so much smoke pouring out of each chromosome.

  3. #13
    Senior Member zago's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluebell View Post
    Heh. No, this is trying to avoid repeating damaging patterns. Going with the flow is why I ended up where I did.
    Then my best guess is finding someone who you can comfortably argue with. That's what I look for in people, and I've only ever known 1 person I could do this with regularly. I find that trying to be patient when something is wrong doesn't actually help anything. Perhaps INTPs just need to argue a lot and not many people "get it." Any good relationship I've ever had has had a healthy amount of conflict, but neither party took the conflict too seriously. That's the only crappy suggestion I have to offer. I'm not too experienced in relationships.

  4. #14
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    What Zago has to say is interesting. I have noticed that i do avoid conflict at all costs. I may notice that something is hurting me or angering me, but I just kinda drop it and move on. Maybe it drags on because the conflict is where the true growth happens.. It could be growth closer to each other or it could be growth away from each other. But I would rather something ended because it's not meant to be than to figure it out 2 years down the line.

    Love doesn't come so easy for INTP's. It can, if the conditions are right, but we introspect so much and analyze every little thing. It makes it nearly impossible to let a normal course of events happen. We truly want it to be all good and to have it naturally work out, but we exert our own control over it by avoiding the conflict. I really don't think it's out of cowardice.

  5. #15
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    You have to engage in honest self-analysis in order to see your blind spots and problems. Even ask for feedback from people that know you well.

    Then get used to spotting the problem when it is happening. Then break the cycle by not doing what you've done in the past, or take action if your problem is inaction (that's actually my problem - too passive at times).

  6. #16
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Yeah, I'm very conflict-avoidant. If I outright feel I've been wronged, then I'll say something, but if it's the little things, I'll just let them roll, even if they start adding up. Of course, I think it's probably every INTP's worst nightmare to be continually having Relationship Temperature-Taking Talks.
    Something Witty

  7. #17
    videodrones; questions Verfremdungseffekt's Avatar
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    It's funny how willing one is to say, "Well, that's reasonable. I see where s/he's coming from. Fair enough." I swear, it almost never occurs to me to question.

    The side effect, historically, is that they end up feeling absurdly entitled. They keep pushing harder, and become less and less patient with my own requests. And okay, sure. I can understand that.

    If I ever embark on this again, I'm really going to figure out how to set limits. The problem is determining just where to draw the line.

  8. #18
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    I’m not an INTP, but speaking from someone who is currently in a relationship with an INTP, I think experience is the only thing that can help the INTP to break this pattern. I think INTPs are doing it backwards, when it comes to relationships. Imo, relationships have to be experienced and then analyzed. Not the other way around. I think experiencing relationships, gathering information from those experiences, is the only way for an INTP to grow.

    Also, I think breaking a pattern is mostly about replacing it with a new one. So if you’re used to deal with problems one way, and you realize that, that didn’t work out. Analyze the “flaws in the system” and try out a new “system”. Hopefully, that “system” will be an improved version of the old one and then you just have to remind yourself to use the new one when encountering a problem. After using it for a while, it becomes a pattern.

    My two cents.

  9. #19
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledINTP View Post
    I will meld to whatever I think is the path of least resistence and go with it. I do this because I care for the person and want to make them happy. I will even sacrifice my own happiness to some extent and put up with way more than I should really have to.
    I will do this up to a point and no further. I won't live my life for someone else.
    Quote Originally Posted by Aderack View Post
    I will say that this is why I'm in no rush to get into another amorous relationship. It's hard, under the above conditions, for me to keep tabs on my sense of self -- a sense that I'm just finding again, for the first time in maybe a decade. It's been a long and painful decompression; enough so that I really don't see much value in going through that business again. At least, not with the tools I've got.
    +1
    Really doesn't seem worth the aggravation.

    Quote Originally Posted by zago View Post
    Then my best guess is finding someone who you can comfortably argue with. That's what I look for in people, and I've only ever known 1 person I could do this with regularly. I find that trying to be patient when something is wrong doesn't actually help anything. Perhaps INTPs just need to argue a lot and not many people "get it." Any good relationship I've ever had has had a healthy amount of conflict, but neither party took the conflict too seriously. .
    I don't know if it is about conflict as much as about being comfortable enough to be completely honest without worrying about consequences. And knowing that the other person feels the same way. That is pretty rare, IME. Arguing is second nature to me, it's my default way of communicating. But I don't like conflict. I see one as constructive and the other as destructive.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Popsicle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    You have to engage in honest self-analysis in order to see your blind spots and problems. Even ask for feedback from people that know you well.

    Then get used to spotting the problem when it is happening. Then break the cycle by not doing what you've done in the past, or take action if your problem is inaction (that's actually my problem - too passive at times).
    This.

    Coincidentally, I have, over the past week, spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what I must have done to make the guy I've been dating the past three months suddenly become very distant (to the point where I doubt there is a relationship anymore.) I guess my thought process is that if his attitude towards me has changed, I must have done something to precipitate that change, and if I can figure out what that something is, I can fix it and reverse the change. Yeah, right.

    However, knowing that I have this tendency, I finally decided to talk it over with a male friend of mine, whose opinions I trust. He has seen me make the same mistakes over and over and has offered to "coach" me (yes, I realize how pathetic I must be to require this). This friend also has has known me for years and has known the guy even longer. His answer? He told me that this guy has things in his life he needs to get cleaned up, that this has to do with his issues, not anything I've done or not done, and that I should not have to deal with it. What? It wasn't anything I did? It's not something I can fix? Why couldn't I see this?

    I still haven't figured out why I always think this way, nor can I seem to break that pattern...but I do know that having a second, nonbiased opinion can really make a difference.

    Of course, even knowing that my friend is right doesn't mean I won't *still* play that game inside my head -- but it at least gives me an alternative to mull over.

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