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[ENTJ] Questions from an ENTJ

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
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8w9
I just joined this board recently and have only recently discovered that I'm an ENTJ. Initially, figuring out what type I was answered many questions. Ultimately however, it raised just as many as it answered. I figured you guys are pretty knowledgeable on this sort of thing, so I suspect I may be able to find some answers here.

As an ENTJ I'm not really in touch with my feelings. I have a super strong Te. However, when I do develop feelings for a girl, I fall head over heals and have no control over how strongly I feel. This has continued to cause me extreme heartache and served to interfere with my social skills. How can I regulate the intensity of my feelings?
 

sunset5678

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Messages
145
MBTI Type
XNTJ
I have a similar problem, every time I meet a guy I can easily talk to him about anything
and everything and I'm not shy about acting smart in front of him or dressing up and put-
ting time into my looks I was always being given a hard time by my friends because I did-
n't let something with a little bit of glitter make me think my IQ would be brought into qu-
estion if I wore it so it wasn't things like being intellectually shy or insecure about my ap-
pearance but I know that I have strong social skills and can be percieved as too outgoi-
ng at times so I tend to try to tone expressing feelings right off down a little that way I
don't come on too strong. And I end up psyching myself out and just ending up with an-
other 'guy friend' and not a boyfriend. And people are always asking when the heck I am
going to get a guy which just makes me feel embarrassed and self-conscious because I'm
afraid I'll loose friends if they don't like who I pick and try to get in the middle of it. I wou
ldn't date a guy who didn't like my friends, but same deal for them.
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
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enfp
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6w7
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sp/sx
my ENTJ said he took 4 shots of vodka on each of our first three dates so he would relax a little and not scare me away with his overbearing personality. :)
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
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my ENTJ said he took 4 shots of vodka on each of our first three dates so he would relax a little and not scare me away with his overbearing personality. :)

I know the feeling intimately.

Although, this problem only comes up if I'm into the girl. As an ENTJ, I see everything in black and white, it either is or it isnt. This includes relationships. So, I either fall head over heals (rarely) and maybe end up scaring them off, or I'm completely uninterested except for the night time activities.
 

Venom

Babylon Candle
Joined
Feb 10, 2008
Messages
2,126
MBTI Type
INTJ
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1w9
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sp/sx
I perceive my dark side as being an inability to gradient my inferior Fi. I either feel too much, or feel nothing at all. This can lead to some very dark thoughts.

I had the odd realization that i currently feel almost emotionally dead.

in my past I have had very dark, inferior Fi. Over time I've learned that I am much better, more functioning person, when not under inferior Fi. Its been a very natural progression, almost like a fog has been clearing in the past year or so. I simply do not "feel" as greatly. I no longer get over enthralled over a relationship, a song, an argument or anything really.

Its almost bittersweet. I know I am better for it. I now hate 80% of my music. I actually cringe when I put itunes on random. I cant stand anything overtly sappy anymore. this sort of cynicism, isnt a bitter pouting. Its a genuine "lack of response". Emotionally dead. It allows me to be a much more functioning person, but it almost makes me wonder if Im somehow missing out on "the human experience". I think emotions are what drive even the most rational of people to simply live. I highly doubt einstein would of been so driven to solve, if he hadnt derived an emotional pleasure response from doing so.

So now i kind of descend into an opposite dark side. Rather than inferior Fi, its an existence centered around not feeling. I get a lot done, i feel happier on the whole. However, I fear that one day I may decide that nothing really makes me happy. Even though there's someone who I'm intimate with, in my life as of now, I still fear that i may not ever really be able to love. Upon realizing that I have no gradient control over the faucet of inferior Fi, I have decided to simply never turn it on.

my darkside: an ENTJ who was once enthralled and weighed by inferior Fi, and an ENTJ who is now emotionally dead.

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nt-rationale/11256-entj-s-dark-side.html#post429936

as far as only seeing things as black and white, welcome to the club. things like friends with benefits, being in that "we'll see" zone, etc i cant stand it either.

I tend to either scare girls off with intensity, or be playing it "sooooo cool" that i show no interest and then loose them that way haha.


my ENTJ said he took 4 shots of vodka on each of our first three dates so he would relax a little and not scare me away with his overbearing personality. :)

see that wouldnt work for me. cuz then id be soooo relaxed that id never go in for the kill...but then like ur bf probably knows, me sober and wanting to slay you is just too intense for some people haha :( ...btw i never thought i could want an ESFP so badly for all the shit they get talked about on this board.... but at the end of the day the ESFP just wanted sex from whoever would give it and so off she went with some meaningless thing in the midst of our little deal......
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
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ENFP
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sx/sp
YEAH!!!!! well try being an enfp!
 

Frank

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2008
Messages
689
I'd say the only way is too get your feelings seriously wounded in a way that defies all logic. A way with a ton of gray areas. You have to learn what your feelings are in order to get control over them.Ni will teach you alot here also.The cool part is that after you ride the emotions out you feel much wiser, stronger and better equipped to carry out your plans. Afterall, your still an entj.;)
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
Joined
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Messages
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I'd say the only way is too get your feelings seriously wounded in a way that defies all logic. A way with a ton of gray areas. You have to learn what your feelings are in order to get control over them.Ni will teach you alot here also.The cool part is that after you ride the emotions out you feel much wiser, stronger and better equipped to carry out your plans. Afterall, your still an entj.;)

I guess so...

It just sucks that the emotional school of hard knocks is pretty much the only way to learn for an ENTJ.
 

ThinkingAboutIt

New member
Joined
Apr 8, 2009
Messages
264
MBTI Type
INTP
How does it interfere with your social skills?

And, why do you think you need to regulate it?
 

DiscoBiscuit

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It interferes with my social skills because, the feeling I have for this girl is so strong that it clouds my social judgment and destroys most of the social poise I have. I'm too busy wondering what shes thinking or trying not be obvious when looking at her that I can't be my usual engaged and hilarious self.

To be honest, I don't want to regulate the feelings I have because for the first time in a long time I feel alive. However, I know from personal experience that how badly you get hurt is directly proportional to how deeply you commit yourself emotionally. Thus, I'm afraid to continue down the path of, I'm in love with you, but you have a long distance bf that you're obviously committed to so I'm just going to remain an emotional wreck twisting in the wind.

To give some background, I met this girl the first day of law school, and when I did, it was like I've never seen beauty before. The air was sucked out of the room and I knew it was game over. She has (since we met) given me signals that shes interested, body language and the way we talk to each other (its like we disappear into our own little world), which is the hardest thing to deal with for me. This is because if I knew there was nothing there I would have cut bait and moved on, but seeing the potential and being able to do nothing affirmative about it KILLS the ENTJ in me. I found out (several weeks later) that she has a boyfriend where shes from. The funny thing is, that I would usually cut bait and move on. But this time, I was so lovesick and delusional that I thought to myself "screw the obstacles, I will win her yet".

Ultimately, this is either going to turn out to be the fairytale I hoped it was, or hurting me so bad I don't know if I'll be able to recover from how bitter I will become.
 

Venom

Babylon Candle
Joined
Feb 10, 2008
Messages
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INTJ
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It interferes with my social skills because, the feeling I have for this girl is so strong that it clouds my social judgment and destroys most of the social poise I have. I'm too busy wondering what shes thinking or trying not be obvious when looking at her that I can't be my usual engaged and hilarious self.

To be honest, I don't want to regulate the feelings I have because for the first time in a long time I feel alive. However, I know from personal experience that how badly you get hurt is directly proportional to how deeply you commit yourself emotionally. Thus, I'm afraid to continue down the path of, I'm in love with you, but you have a long distance bf that you're obviously committed to so I'm just going to remain an emotional wreck twisting in the wind.

To give some background, I met this girl the first day of law school, and when I did, it was like I've never seen beauty before. The air was sucked out of the room and I knew it was game over. She has (since we met) given me signals that shes interested, body language and the way we talk to each other (its like we disappear into our own little world), which is the hardest thing to deal with for me. This is because if I knew there was nothing there I would have cut bait and moved on, but seeing the potential and being able to do nothing affirmative about it KILLS the ENTJ in me. I found out (several weeks later) that she has a boyfriend where shes from. The funny thing is, that I would usually cut bait and move on. But this time, I was so lovesick and delusional that I thought to myself "screw the obstacles, I will win her yet".

Ultimately, this is either going to turn out to be the fairytale I hoped it was, or hurting me so bad I don't know if I'll be able to recover from how bitter I will become.

im going to give you some advice. get over her. the fact that she has a bf, means that if you two keep hanging out/seeing eachother in school shes going to cement you into the friend zone more and more and more (due to her bf), no matter what body language you think you're seeing. (i speak from experience, sometimes what you think is "she likes me" body language, is actaully "shes trying to be nice, is friendly, trying to cut out akwardness, is being her flirtatious self, or even just her being nice as a friend")

basically, the longer you know her without it moving to um *ahem*, the less chance u have. I suggest moving on. (though i admit its none of my business). ur almost better off seeing/talking/knowing her as little as possible until her bf thing ends, then you can go for the kill.
 

Frank

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2008
Messages
689
I guess so...

It just sucks that the emotional school of hard knocks is pretty much the only way to learn for an ENTJ.

You never know. Maybe there is another way around it. It's just what worked for me. perhaps using Ni to view things from others perspectives or emotions could give us a good enough understanding to regulate our responses some.
 

ThinkingAboutIt

New member
Joined
Apr 8, 2009
Messages
264
MBTI Type
INTP
It interferes with my social skills because, the feeling I have for this girl is so strong that it clouds my social judgment and destroys most of the social poise I have. I'm too busy wondering what shes thinking or trying not be obvious when looking at her that I can't be my usual engaged and hilarious self.

To be honest, I don't want to regulate the feelings I have because for the first time in a long time I feel alive. However, I know from personal experience that how badly you get hurt is directly proportional to how deeply you commit yourself emotionally. Thus, I'm afraid to continue down the path of, I'm in love with you, but you have a long distance bf that you're obviously committed to so I'm just going to remain an emotional wreck twisting in the wind.

To give some background, I met this girl the first day of law school, and when I did, it was like I've never seen beauty before. The air was sucked out of the room and I knew it was game over. She has (since we met) given me signals that shes interested, body language and the way we talk to each other (its like we disappear into our own little world), which is the hardest thing to deal with for me. This is because if I knew there was nothing there I would have cut bait and moved on, but seeing the potential and being able to do nothing affirmative about it KILLS the ENTJ in me. I found out (several weeks later) that she has a boyfriend where shes from. The funny thing is, that I would usually cut bait and move on. But this time, I was so lovesick and delusional that I thought to myself "screw the obstacles, I will win her yet".

Ultimately, this is either going to turn out to be the fairytale I hoped it was, or hurting me so bad I don't know if I'll be able to recover from how bitter I will become.

RE: Your first and third paragraphs...obviously you are connecting well and she either doesn't care about the 'social' aspect or is perceptive enough to see it is there. Either way, it doesn't appear to be an issue, so put that out of your mind.

That said, if someone I was interested in were dating someone else, I would say "take care" irregardless of how much I liked or loved them. To me, what you describe about time spent and interest shown - 'body language' etc. is no different than cheating, and I would never do that if I were committed to someone. I would find out for sure - directly from her - if she is seeing someone.

I agree with the poster above - you definitely don't want to be on her 'friend' list because 1. you should exhibit that you are better than that, and aren't going there (that is pretty impressive by the way and speaks volumes about a man); and 2. for some, you'll never get off of it once that is decided.

If you choose to go in for the kill (I love that lol), something to keep in mind is that some people (like INTPs) are completely oblivious to subtle interest - it needs to be blunt.

Personally, I think people should just be themselves and not worry so much about 'adjusting' their nature out of fear. While a woman might be a bit taken back by a mach 10 pursuit, that doesn't mean they don't admire the courage, drive, and decisiveness of the man doing it!

Anyway, I'll leave you with this since you were talking about being nervous:

In an interview with Guy Yocom for Golf Digest, Watson said, "Everybody has choked. In the 1974 U.S. Open, I kept hitting the ball right to right. My nerves wouldn't allow me to adjust. That's what choking is - being so nervous you can't find a swing or a putting stroke you can trust."

How did Watson overcome his tendency to choke? "Byron gave me the best cure for it," Watson recalled, referring to Byron Nelson, the legendary golf pro of the 1930s and '40s. "[Byron said], 'Walk slowly, talk slowly, deliberately do everything more slowly than you normally do. It has a way of settling you down."* That advice helped Tom Watson overcome his nervousness. He went on to win many tournaments, including five British Opens.
 

lane777

nevermore
Joined
Oct 23, 2008
Messages
635
im going to give you some advice. get over her. the fact that she has a bf, means that if you two keep hanging out/seeing eachother in school shes going to cement you into the friend zone more and more and more (due to her bf), no matter what body language you think you're seeing. (i speak from experience, sometimes what you think is "she likes me" body language, is actaully "shes trying to be nice, is friendly, trying to cut out akwardness, is being her flirtatious self, or even just her being nice as a friend")

basically, the longer you know her without it moving to um *ahem*, the less chance u have. I suggest moving on. (though i admit its none of my business). ur almost better off seeing/talking/knowing her as little as possible until her bf thing ends, then you can go for the kill.

Agreed.
 

maliafee

Active member
Joined
Feb 10, 2009
Messages
1,127
my ENTJ said he took 4 shots of vodka on each of our first three dates so he would relax a little and not scare me away with his overbearing personality. :)

This explains my boyfriend's ENTJ mom's wine drinking. She's no alcoholic but always drinks a bunch of wine when she has a party...
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
im going to give you some advice. get over her. the fact that she has a bf, means that if you two keep hanging out/seeing eachother in school shes going to cement you into the friend zone more and more and more (due to her bf), no matter what body language you think you're seeing. (i speak from experience, sometimes what you think is "she likes me" body language, is actaully "shes trying to be nice, is friendly, trying to cut out akwardness, is being her flirtatious self, or even just her being nice as a friend")

basically, the longer you know her without it moving to um *ahem*, the less chance u have. I suggest moving on. (though i admit its none of my business). ur almost better off seeing/talking/knowing her as little as possible until her bf thing ends, then you can go for the kill.

Just for information, my actual girlfriend (we've been toghether for 3 years) was with a guy "from where she's from", before we got togheter, and the situation was very similar to the one described by the OP.
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
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Apr 13, 2009
Messages
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8w9
Thanks for the responses guys!

As far as worrying about friend zone, I'm not worried about it. I get the feeling that if her and her bf weren't together I would be able to take her out immediately.

Its just a tough situation to be in. As an ENTJ, the not knowing is the worst.
 
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