I've been meaning to ask somebody about this for awhile, or even just kind of slowly let it out, but as easy as that sounds, it's actually hard for me to put into words.
I'm 18 now and a senior in high school, and I think that I've either been shy my entire life, or that I just dislike most of my classmates. Ever since middle school it's just felt like everybody has been trying to fit into some pre-determined mold, some social order that up until that point, had never existed. I've always hated this, always rejected this until the point where I just become submissive, essentially ignore everybody, and don't really talk to anyone. Sure I have my friends that I play along with, pretend to be normal for, but there really isn't anybody that 'gets' me.
I know this is a bad combination of being shy/social anxiety and and an overall dislike of people, or maybe they're just defense mechanisms that this crazy brain of mine has worked up to protect me from the truth, whatever that means.... It always seems that whenever I try to talk to people that aren't in my immediate circle of friends an awkward rabble is always what comes out. I always feel, when I'm like this, that I have to impress the person that I'm talking to, that it is my job to make them laugh and feel good about themselves.
This isn't always what happens, I mean, when I'm 'on,' I can talk to literally anybody and give off a good impression. What I've noticed is that when I'm like this I'm usually content to just sit in my mind and let all these random ideas flow out. When I feel like this, I don't care what other people think--something I've always tried to obtain--and I'm essentially 'happy,' in one of my 'good moods.' I'm confident, I mean, I know what I can do and that I can do it better than most people, this applies to almost everything...not bragging...well, kind of. Self-reliant, etc. I think the times where I feel the best, where I feel completely content with who I am, is when I use the 5 Hour Energy drink things, I mean, they are amazing.
Now, my 'bad moods' aren't really your typical bad moods, I'm always pleasant to people, I'm not rude, I'm just that annoying nice guy who seems to be afraid to speak his mind. I'm not content to be in my mind, not comfortable with myself, and feel a sense of urgency to relate to and by accepted by my peers. Anytime I'm like this, which seems to be about 70% of the time, I always seem to know that I can do better, be the life of whatever crowd I'm in, but I always get the feeling of self-doubt, of why could anybody possibly care about what I have to say. Why am I better suited to talk over person X or person Y?
Now, this thread isn't me whining about how difficult my life is, or maybe it is , more me wondering whether or not other people have went through this and how they possibly got through it. Or maybe it's completely normal and I just have to get over myself. But, anyway, thanks for wasting a few minutes to read what I had to say, that is, assuming you got this far. And if you could excuse me for the cohesive errors?, I feel like I wrote this whole thing a sentence at a time.