Thanks Femme. Really, I keep doubting myself. No more guilt - just doubting. I can't believe how much I've fucked up with him over all these years. And I can't believe he keeps coming back for more. I keep thinking that maybe some cosmic force keeps throwing us back at each other... (granted, he's fucked up many times, too)
Like many ENTP's you just have a mean, sadistic streak. This attracts people who derive something from being hurt.
I had to be very stern with him yesterday for his own sake - to allow him to move on for good. It will never happen with us in the way that he needs it to. It breaks my heart to let him go but I'd rather my heart break for all eternity, than to let his break for one more minute. Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be with him, but I just can't take that step. It will never happen. And I have to stop lying to myself about it.
The worst part though - is the hardest one to admit. I would probably have still been feeling guilty if he hadn't cried about it. Seeing him break down like that made me want to run for the hills and never see him again. It was easier in my head to let him go after seeing that. I know. I'm horrible.
It is hard to respect someone who won't go even when you kick them in the ass. That's why you can feel like this, I think.
"Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."