[INTP] How to seduce an INTP...

[Verfremdungseffekt]

Play a game or be subtle and I will assume that I need to cut you out of my mind in order to protect myself, because clearly my interest is one-sided or misplaced.

Which is pretty much why the only amorous relationships I've had have been the result of some long-term stalking on the part of the other party.

The problem is that, given a few vague hints, a situation has a good chance of completely overtaking my brain, making it impossible for me to get anything else done. I can spend months like this if the situation isn't clarified somehow. Usually that amounts to me shutting the door and ignoring the other person.

 

[ring the bell]

Which is pretty much why the only amorous relationships I've had have been the result of some long-term stalking on the part of the other party.

The problem is that, given a few vague hints, a situation has a good chance of completely overtaking my brain, making it impossible for me to get anything else done. I can spend months like this if the situation isn't clarified somehow. Usually that amounts to me shutting the door and ignoring the other person.

I do this too. I need things to be clear or I will get stuck in a mind loop, trying to figure it out. i don't like uncertainty. I don't like people playing games with me. I need to be connected with on a very specific level or I will end up shutting down on the person. There may even be a capability of a connection there and I will still shut down. Mostly, for me, it's just because I have no idea of where we stand and I don't have the ability to unsafely assume. It just can't be sprung on me.

The last time I had a guy spring his feelings on me, I shut down very quickly. It took me about 4 monthes before I was really able to talk to him about it, despite the fact that I felt madly for him. There were a lot of extenuating circumstances and, of course, by that time he had moved on. I can't say I don't regret it now, but I really didn't have the ability to respond to him then.

 

[Zoom]

Which is pretty much why the only amorous relationships I've had have been the result of some long-term stalking on the part of the other party.

The problem is that, given a few vague hints, a situation has a good chance of completely overtaking my brain, making it impossible for me to get anything else done. I can spend months like this if the situation isn't clarified somehow. Usually that amounts to me shutting the door and ignoring the other person.

D'ye know something equally weird? It seems to be able to happen once ye're in the relationship, just as badly. Something happens, uncertainty arises, and work and university (or whatever combination of things one has) can suffer, because of this preoccupation... because there is nothing to be done past a certain point, when it's out of your own control and all the analysis in the world won't find the solution to the problem, because it's simply making a choice and leaving it be.

It's bloody odd. Having an active, fluid mind is not always a good thing - if something really negative occurrs, the mind can consume itself with worry, grief, hurt, etc. (Especially if it's not used to those emotions...)

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

Hell is other people. Seriously, it feels like my brain is under occupation. It takes a concerted effort to divest myself of all that, and to feel like I've enough space in my head to stretch my arms.

The party referenced above and earlier in this thread -- for a bit over a month, I completely avoided her. Then for another month I stopped actively doing so, yet when I happened to encounter her, I kept it brief and civil. More recently the hints have been thick and substantial enough that I've begun to resume some attention. Though I am proceeding with some caution.

We seem to be becoming a bit more comfortable around each other. We've declared our fascination with each other, and we've both danced around how attracted we are to each other. I've expressed some interest in the modeling work she's doing, and sent her the occasional compliment or bit of encouragement. In return, she's begun to call me fairly frequently. It's almost a hair trigger, really.

I had to think a moment about how this started, as it's been fairly rapid. I knew she was up for an audition, so a little under a week ago I sent her a brief note, basically saying, hey, let me know how it goes. Somewhat to my surprise, she called me at length. Previously, any phone conversations between us had been brief, and mostly at my instigation. Most often they consisted of me and an answering machine.

Toward the end of the call, I asked if she had anything overly exciting planned that evening. She was hesitant, but called me back later to suggest maybe we go get something to eat the following day. Since then she has been calling me at about a 3:1 ratio of my calls to her. Which isn't as frequent as it sounds; it's just surprising me.

Last night, she called ostensibly to ask someone's number -- though I'm pretty sure she knows the other girl's number, and I know she has her email address. Then she sort of asked me out. I say "sort of", as her phrasing was more like "Not tonight; I've got a bunch of stuff I need to do, but: this weekend, if you want to..." And then she began to trail off. And I followed the train of thought and said, oh, that sounds swell. It sounded like that had taken a bit of effort for her, as her response was fairly abrupt. The equivalent of "Okay, did that. Getting off phone now."

So I guess we'll see where this goes. Offhand I'm not completely sure what's happening here, but it's not so ambiguous that it's driving me batty.

Also it doesn't feel like I'm being asked to jump through hoops and dodge fire just for the privilege of being knocked down a peg. So that's something.

 

[Zoom]

Hell is other people. Seriously, it feels like my brain is under occupation. It takes a concerted effort to divest myself of all that, and to feel like I've enough space in my head to stretch my arms.

...So I guess we'll see where this goes. Offhand I'm not completely sure what's happening here, but it's not so ambiguous that it's driving me batty.

Also it doesn't feel like I'm being asked to jump through hoops and dodge fire just for the privilege of being knocked down a peg. So that's something.

You seem to be doing something really good for yourself: giving yourself enough space to not be overcome by it, but allowing it to happen because you do (from what I can see) want it. So, good job on and luck with that. (<-A nod to you, not a random 'yes'. Weird emoticons...)

 

[seeker22]

I have been involved with dating an INTP female for a few months now, as some of you may recall lol... I pleaded with the forum members to help me decipher her... Some said she likes me, others told me to flee... Alas, to no avail STILL no answer to this mystery. Jury is still out.

She seems to like me, but she blows hot and cold and keeps me at arm's length. All along she would say stuff like "you're out of my league, I don't understand why you like me, are you just using me, I can't believe you showed up, I don't know what you see in me, you're going to bail out for someone hotter, everyone wants you you have a millions of girls after you why would you pick me... To... oh and I don't want to be in a relationship. Go hook up with as many people as possible it will be good for you. I hope you're not NOT hooking up with other people because of me. I really think you should date other people besides me. I don't want a relationship. Make sure you're dating other people. Look that girls hot - you should go for her!"

I grew soooo tired of the mixed signals that I backed off. I let her know straight up (in a gentle, no pressure way) that I liked her, too, which felt very vulnerable. Of course, we still have palpable chemistry... *sigh*

So I started dating other people - at HER request! Now she'll ask who I'm dating and how the date went etc. and on one hand she says "great," on the other hand she seems hurt and then withdraws.

I am BEYOND confused.

She tells me I'm the "perfect package..." and that she "feels something special when we kiss..." but then she runs away... I even let her know that I recognize autonomy and personal space are important to her, and that it is to me also, and that I wanted to make sure I was giving her enough space... She said I was and seemed glad to know I was cognizant of this trait in her. WTF people????!! Help this ENFP out!!

By the way she has an EXTREMELY small circle of freinds. Like 2 or 3. I have zillions. So even just being allowed into her precious "circle" means a lot because I know she doesn't let many in. She told me she's never met someone that she clicks so naturally and effortlessly with.

 

[Tallulah]

^^

I think she's just really, really lacking confidence, and is scared to death. She thinks you're out of her league.

 

[ring the bell]

I have been involved with dating an INTP female for a few months now, as some of you may recall lol... I pleaded with the forum members to help me decipher her... Some said she likes me, others told me to flee... Alas, to no avail STILL no answer to this mystery. Jury is still out.

She seems to like me, but she blows hot and cold and keeps me at arm's length. All along she would say stuff like "you're out of my league, I don't understand why you like me, are you just using me, I can't believe you showed up, I don't know what you see in me, you're going to bail out for someone hotter, everyone wants you you have a millions of girls after you why would you pick me... To... oh and I don't want to be in a relationship. Go hook up with as many people as possible it will be good for you. I hope you're not NOT hooking up with other people because of me. I really think you should date other people besides me. I don't want a relationship. Make sure you're dating other people. Look that girls hot - you should go for her!"

I grew soooo tired of the mixed signals that I backed off. I let her know straight up (in a gentle, no pressure way) that I liked her, too, which felt very vulnerable. Of course, we still have palpable chemistry... *sigh*

So I started dating other people - at HER request! Now she'll ask who I'm dating and how the date went etc. and on one hand she says "great," on the other hand she seems hurt and then withdraws.

I am BEYOND confused.

She tells me I'm the "perfect package..." and that she "feels something special when we kiss..." but then she runs away... I even let her know that I recognize autonomy and personal space are important to her, and that it is to me also, and that I wanted to make sure I was giving her enough space... She said I was and seemed glad to know I was cognizant of this trait in her. WTF people????!! Help this ENFP out!!

By the way she has an EXTREMELY small circle of freinds. Like 2 or 3. I have zillions. So even just being allowed into her precious "circle" means a lot because I know she doesn't let many in. She told me she's never met someone that she clicks so naturally and effortlessly with.

Tallulah's probably right with the confidence thing. You know, she tells you to go date other girls and you do, despite you telling her how you feel about her. I've been in her shoes and said the exact same things (it's freaky how similar our situations were) while the whole time I wanted more. I wanted him to not want to go date other girls and to want to be with me. I asked him to tell me about them, even though it really did hurt me. I couldn't express that though when he was obviously doing what he wanted, which was play the field, despite the insane chemistry that was there between us.

INTP's don't readily go over to the vulnerable side. If it looks probable that we are going to hurt, we just won't go there.

I can't tell you what's going on in her head, because it could be anything, shaped from a wide myriad of life experiences and worldviews. But I can tell you, from my experience from being in a very similar situation, that she may need to see how you are feeling through actions, not just words. It might take time, but she may really need to gain some confidence in that you really feel strongly for her, through your actions and words, such as telling her kindly and not dating other girls. You just can't expect a girl to be confident in your feelings for her when you are telling her about all the other girls you are also seeing besides her. Try to put yourself in her shoes and think of how you think she might feel, from your gut instinct. You sense she is hurt sometimes. Think about why she would be hurt in that moment. She is a girl who naturally works in a rational world and doesn't show a lot of emotion, yet you are getting an emotional response.

Of course, this is all just based off a few words you've said and a lot of extrapolation to how I felt once upon a time I would just go with your gut instinct on this one, honestly.

 

[Salomé]

^Honestly, I don't think it will work out between them. She is too insecure, and he is too flighty.

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

The girl above, incidentally? ENFP.

So there's kind of a theme going on here.

 

[seeker22]

You know, she tells you to go date other girls and you do, despite you telling her how you feel about her.

I wanted him to not want to go date other girls and to want to be with me. I asked him to tell me about them, even though it really did hurt me.

It might take time, but she may really need to gain some confidence in that you really feel strongly for her, through your actions and words, such as telling her kindly and not dating other girls.

You just can't expect a girl to be confident in your feelings for her when you are telling her about all the other girls you are also seeing besides her.

Thanks Ruffled! Yes - so crazy how similar our situations have been!

Let me clarify - I did not WANT to date other girls. She TOLD me to. =( I know that personally if I like someone - I do not tell them to go and date other people. I even told her I was interested in just dating her.

And the only reason I tell her about the dates is that SHE ASKS.

And every date I have gone on, I have not even kissed the girl - and I let her know that. She always asks why and I say "because I didn't want to and I didn't like her that way." And then she says - "you need to just go for it!"

Ouch!

Then she told me she met a hot guy, and I said "wow so are you two hooking up?" She said "no." When I asked why she would not answer. I asked her a couple more times - she still will not answer.

We are a TRAIN WRECK! *sigh*

 

[ring the bell]

^Honestly, I don't think it will work out between them. She is too insecure, and he is too flighty.

Yeah, that would be my guess too honestly...

The girl above, incidentally? ENFP.

So there's kind of a theme going on here.

ENFP/ INTP seems to be quite the common lovelorn theme these days. No other type has had such an ability to compltely fuck with my emotions, except for maybe one ENTJ I met along the way. I've dated a couple of ENFP's. It's always ended in disaster for me. I'm a glutton for punishment though... I'd like to hear a success story, damn it!

 

[seeker22]

So there's kind of a theme going on here.

LOL OMG what is the theme? Do tell... I am open to hearing...

 

[Costrin]

My advice: stop dating other girls. Keep telling her you wanna be with her, that you care for her. Be stubborn about it. Eventually she'll have to come to a concrete decision.

 

[ring the bell]

Thanks Ruffled! Yes - so crazy how similar our situations have been!

Let me clarify - I did not WANT to date other girls. She TOLD me to. =( I know that personally if I like someone - I do not tell them to go and date other people. I even told her I was interested in just dating her.

And the only reason I tell her about the dates is that SHE ASKS.

And every date I have gone on, I have not even kissed the girl - and I let her know that. She always asks why and I say "because I didn't want to and I didn't like her that way." And then she says - "you need to just go for it!"

Ouch!

Then she told me she met a hot guy, and I said "wow so are you two hooking up?" She said "no." When I asked why she would not answer. I asked her a couple more times - she still will not answer.

We are a TRAIN WRECK! *sigh*

lesson to learn in life.. girls will test you.. They might not even do it consciously, but they will throw things out there to see what your reaction will be, especially if she's really uncertain!

Sometimes things are meant to be, but maybe not meant to be right now... I think things will play out and you will know soon enough. It could keep dragging on for a while, though, if you let it.

 

[seeker22]

^Honestly, I don't think it will work out between them. She is too insecure, and he is too flighty.

I hear you Blue and I would be honest if I had been flighty - but I have been direct! I have been assertive about wanting to date just her.

If anything I think the perceived "flightiness" has been in reaction to her telling me to go date other people.

I mean how else do you respond to someone telling you to go date others?? You follow directions, right?? Honor their wishes?? Respect their decision??

 

[ring the bell]

I mean how else do you respond to someone telling you to go date others?? You follow directions, right?? Honor their wishes?? Respect their decision??

If you really really care about the person, you don't do it. you disregard it and continue professing yourself to them. Show them that you really mean it by not giving up so easily.

 

[seeker22]

If you really really care about the person, you don't do it. you disregard it and continue professing yourself to them. Show them that you really mean it by not giving up so easily.

Hmmm... Ok I will implement this plan of action and report back lol... God I DO NOT want to be CREEPY though!! I don't want to OVERLY PURSUE her because from what I gathered that will SCARE the INTP. But ok. Will do.

I guess when she said on multiple occassions "go date other people" I interpreted it as rejection...

If I like someone there is no way in hell I am going to regularly encourage them to go and date others!

Stay tuned...

 

[ring the bell]

Hmmm... Ok I will implement this plan of action and report back lol... God I DO NOT want to be CREEPY though!! I don't want to OVERLY PURSUE her because from what I gathered that will SCARE the INTP. But ok. Will do.

I guess when she said on multiple occassions "go date other people" I interpreted it as rejection...

If I like someone there is no way in hell I am going to regularly encourage then to go and date others!

Stay tuned...

Just go with your gut instinct. If she's so readily scared away, is she worth it anyway? Don't fall into the trap of using MBTI to get definite responses on someone's future actions either. Things are going to work out to be how they are going to be! Just be true to what you want and how you feel and you will know you've done all you could

good luck!

 

[Salomé]

If you really really care about the person, you don't do it. you disregard it and continue professing yourself to them. Show them that you really mean it by not giving up so easily.

Yeah this. She probably assumes that since she would be unable to do this if she were serious about someone, then you are indicating your lack of seriousness. This is why she is unable to fully drop her guard with you, I expect.