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  1. #331
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    Thanks Ruffled! Yes - so crazy how similar our situations have been!

    Let me clarify - I did not WANT to date other girls. She TOLD me to. =( I know that personally if I like someone - I do not tell them to go and date other people. I even told her I was interested in just dating her.

    And the only reason I tell her about the dates is that SHE ASKS.

    And every date I have gone on, I have not even kissed the girl - and I let her know that. She always asks why and I say "because I didn't want to and I didn't like her that way." And then she says - "you need to just go for it!"

    Ouch!

    Then she told me she met a hot guy, and I said "wow so are you two hooking up?" She said "no." When I asked why she would not answer. I asked her a couple more times - she still will not answer.

    We are a TRAIN WRECK! *sigh*
    It sounds like she wants a connection with you and has given up on the idea of being romantically connected and so is trying to be a friend even if it is difficult or awkward to do it. People can choose to act in opposition to how they feel about something. If what you are doing isn't working, have you tried telling her the part in bold? There is probably a tactful way to start, but can you take the risk to be straight and honest about it? If for some reason she actually does not want anything more than friendship, there is greater risk in being upfront, but it sounds like it isn't working with not being honest.
    Last edited by labyrinthine; 06-13-2009 at 11:45 PM. Reason: too much detail
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  2. #332
    Junior Member Redbud's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aderack View Post
    Righto. Second draft distillation time.

    I am really, really bewildered when people show attraction to me, especially without obvious reason. This isn't a self-image thing; I'm fond of my appearance, I deliberately dress well, and I know that I'm bright and creative. What I don't get is the attraction thing. It weirds me out, because that's not generally how I look at the world. If a person has a pleasing face or manner, I may notice on some level. Normally I'd have to sit and focus on her to come to a decision, though. And then I'll shrug. Well, that's nice, I'll think.

    I'm out to be inspired. As excited as I am when people respond to the ideas I've put a bunch of time and energy into, I'm sent head over heels when someone leads me down a new avenue that I hadn't noticed, leading to either a revelation of my own or a spontaneous revelation on her part, that I can trace and absorb into my own worldview.

    For me, social interaction is all about expanding my perspective on the world. Anything, anyone that can give me this, and simultaneously validate my own observations, captures my undivided attention. Ideally, both she and I will become bigger, better, wiser from our interaction.

    So it takes a profoundly unusual person -- a person excited by abstract and unusual concepts, and who can relate whatever she learns to her own individually developed perspective about the nature of the world -- to knock me wholly out of reason and caution, in the sense that people typically think about romance. In thirty years only one person has ever done that, and for everything she had going for her, she inadvertently ruined it by raising my self-preservation alarms.

    It's not impossible to burrow into my graces, given enough time. Just be there and be sincere for long enough, and affection (if not outright desire) will start to drip out all over. But there are two big walls to get past: a lack of innate romantic compulsion, and a deep sense of skepticism toward others and their potential motivations. Why, I ask, is this person talking to me? What does she want? You have to show me that you aren't just here to use me for something that I can't begin to comprehend.

    I'll do everything in my power for a person in my confidence, simply because it never occurs to me not to. But the slightest hint that I need to justify myself, as eccentric as I may be, and I become an iceberg. I expect honesty and transparency and a deep earnestness in everything, because that's what I spend most of my energy trying to offer. And it does take so much energy!

    So you can imagine how offended I become when this dedication is questioned, or this unspoken contract of innocence is breached. It's just... icky. And I don't have the leftover energy or wherewithal to deal with it.
    This was wonderful. It definitely resonates with me as well.

    I am very open and transparent once I let someone in and I also become ridiculously loyal. So it isn't really surprising that I am extremely wary of anyone who wishes to achieve that status. My husband still holds it against me that I said about 4 months into our dating relationship "Damn. It's going to be you. I can't walk away and I'm stuck now." That was a very pivotal statement for me...sort of the equivalent of a passionate declaration of love from a more feeling type. Basically I had been able to disconnect myself from any other relationship I had ever been in and walk away relatively unscathed. With him I realized that I had already made the commitment to stay. 20 years later I am still here so you would think that he would view that statement with more favor, but he is still a little insulted by it. Oh, well.

    BTW-to those in favor of kidnapping-he did that when we first met and it was effective. But we also talked until the sun came up and THAT is what led to the second date.

    Oh, and the INTP who said to date other girls-My 2 cents is that she is scared. It was a test. You are too popular and she isn't. Eventually you will see what a geek she is and leave-especially if she opens up to you. She is afraid she will commit in a ridiculous way (see my story above) and you will get bored and leave or string her along and see other girls. Then she will be left holding on to tons of emotional baggage as she tries to get rid of her feelings of intense loyalty and betrayal...plus she will know that she made a bad decision and someone actually fooled her despite all of her caution. In short, she will feel *stupid* and we hate feeling stupid.
    Introverted Intuitive Thinking Perceiving
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  3. #333
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    Hmmm... Ok I will implement this plan of action and report back lol... God I DO NOT want to be CREEPY though!! I don't want to OVERLY PURSUE her because from what I gathered that will SCARE the INTP. But ok. Will do.

    I guess when she said on multiple occassions "go date other people" I interpreted it as rejection..
    .

    If I like someone there is no way in hell I am going to regularly encourage them to go and date others!

    Stay tuned...
    Why don't you just tell her that? That you fear that she's saying these things out of insecurity, but that in turn is making you insecure. Just tell her that you seriously don't want to date anyone else and that it is all or nothing. And ask her if she wants it all, or if she wants nothing. Stop tip toeing around because this sets the stage for the tone of the relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aderack View Post
    Yeah, I'm... I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I'm ever sure about anything. I've certainly never met anyone who has immediately affected me in the way she has.

    That, of course, is terrifying. I don't know if I'm ready for it, I don't know if I want it. It's hard to sort between wants and desires. The desire is overwhelming, but... well, so what? What does that mean, exactly?

    When I get to know her better, I guess I'll figure out how welcome this all is. Right now I sense she may be safe to trust, to a certain extent.
    This sounds very sweet. Keep up posted!

  4. #334
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redbud View Post

    Oh, and the INTP who said to date other girls-My 2 cents is that she is scared. It was a test. You are too popular and she isn't. Eventually you will see what a geek she is and leave-especially if she opens up to you. She is afraid she will commit in a ridiculous way (see my story above) and you will get bored and leave or string her along and see other girls. Then she will be left holding on to tons of emotional baggage as she tries to get rid of her feelings of intense loyalty and betrayal...plus she will know that she made a bad decision and someone actually fooled her despite all of her caution. In short, she will feel *stupid* and we hate feeling stupid.
    Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This is exactly it. I had tried to say this earlier, but gave up and erased my attempt before posting it.
    Something Witty

  5. #335
    videodrones; questions Verfremdungseffekt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    This sounds very sweet. Keep up posted!
    Yes, well, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. If my flavor of an extended sounding-out process doesn't chase her off, I'll be a monkey's uncle. And, well, maybe that would be for the best. I don't know.

    I'm really ambivalent here. I don't think I'm emotionally developed enough. But I guess we'll see.

  6. #336

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    I've made it through about 11 pages so far. Looking forward to the rest ... rather amusing.
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  7. #337
    (☞゚∀゚)☞ The Decline's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silentium View Post
    I was speaking of being in a museum, mind you. Raptors are bloody wonderful, but still very much in service.

    And they'd have to be able to fly it. I'm on my way to flying helicopters, so if they expect me to hop into a jet with them - and they don't know what the hell a heads-up display is, or how a pilot interface works in that advanced of an aircraft... my want for them would just die. :sad:
    You're right, anyone with those ninja skills that would be able to fuel up, hotwire and otherwise get a Blackbird in service whilst in a museum is a goddamned superstar. I'd commit seppuku for them.
    "Stop it, you fuck. Give him some butter."
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  8. #338
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    I have been involved with dating an INTP female for a few months now, as some of you may recall lol... I pleaded with the forum members to help me decipher her... Some said she likes me, others told me to flee... Alas, to no avail STILL no answer to this mystery. Jury is still out.

    She seems to like me, but she blows hot and cold and keeps me at arm's length. All along she would say stuff like "you're out of my league, I don't understand why you like me, are you just using me, I can't believe you showed up, I don't know what you see in me, you're going to bail out for someone hotter, everyone wants you you have a millions of girls after you why would you pick me... To... oh and I don't want to be in a relationship. Go hook up with as many people as possible it will be good for you. I hope you're not NOT hooking up with other people because of me. I really think you should date other people besides me. I don't want a relationship. Make sure you're dating other people. Look that girls hot - you should go for her!"

    I grew soooo tired of the mixed signals that I backed off. I let her know straight up (in a gentle, no pressure way) that I liked her, too, which felt very vulnerable. Of course, we still have palpable chemistry... *sigh*

    So I started dating other people - at HER request! Now she'll ask who I'm dating and how the date went etc. and on one hand she says "great," on the other hand she seems hurt and then withdraws.

    I am BEYOND confused.

    She tells me I'm the "perfect package..." and that she "feels something special when we kiss..." but then she runs away... I even let her know that I recognize autonomy and personal space are important to her, and that it is to me also, and that I wanted to make sure I was giving her enough space... She said I was and seemed glad to know I was cognizant of this trait in her. WTF people????!! Help this ENFP out!!

    By the way she has an EXTREMELY small circle of freinds. Like 2 or 3. I have zillions. So even just being allowed into her precious "circle" means a lot because I know she doesn't let many in. She told me she's never met someone that she clicks so naturally and effortlessly with.

    I don't know if she's insecure. More like she's testing you. I think a lot of INTP's don't realize why they or their traits could be appealing to others. It's like, "Really? Hmm. Okay." It's not necessarily insecurity, but a self-effacing way to gauge where you stand. But aside from that, she's telling you because she is noting your reaction. I've never said those things to someone without purposely concentrating/analyzing their reaction. In essence, she can't read you and she's torn.

    Considering her extremely small circle of friends...she doesn't trust many people. She may be VERY attracted to you, but the truth is she may see you as being "too all over the place with your affection or attention"...

    INTP's commit to an idea first - then the person. Once she commits to the idea of being with you, it's very difficult to go back. We almost pre-commit before the actual commitment. I know, scary! We are not "daters" we are long term relationship people. After all, why be with someone when we can be happy being alone?

    My best friend is an ENFP and we dated briefly. Don't get me wrong, I love my ENFP friend (we are inseparable now) but dating this ENFP was not enjoyable. ENFP's view dating as a fun and exciting adventure filled with mystery and flirty give and take fun! She may take a look at your past dating record...what does it look like?? We tend to judge on those things to determine a person's way of being or character. INTP's view dating as serious business and something quite stressful first, then once that's out of the way you get to see the relaxed, flirty, fun side. So more than likely, she may think that your interest in her is only because she is a challenge or a passing phase. In order to be with her, she has to BE CERTAIN that those two things ARE NOT true.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  9. #339
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=jenocyde;697804]Why don't you just tell her that? That you fear that she's saying these things out of insecurity, but that in turn is making you insecure. Just tell her that you seriously don't want to date anyone else and that it is all or nothing. And ask her if she wants it all, or if she wants nothing. Stop tip toeing around because this sets the stage for the tone of the relationship.



    YES, YES, YES TO THIS!
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  10. #340
    ♪♫♪♫♪♫ luminous beam's Avatar
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    you guys are adorable once your guard is down


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