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[NT] NTs and love

Petite Etoile

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When you are in relationship you can never be fully commited.
You like the person and everything works fine. But you stay somewhat reserved no matter how good it gets. It has nothing to do with fear of commitment it is just that you can't achive emotional intensity.
So it can happen that you feel stupid since you can't return affection in that moment. What can hurt the other person.

That is completely not me at all. When I'm in a relationship I completely throw myself into it emotionally, and I am definitely able to achieve emotional intensity. If anything I probably get too clingy.
 

entropie

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I try to be one step ahead and to anticipate emotions before they are outspoken. Furthermore I am highly sensitive to mood swings, my girlfriend tends to see her mood changing firstly in me and then notices it in her.

When I was very young it sometimes was hard to hold yourself back, if you had got strong emotions about something. Nowadays this feeling still persists but I try not to be carried down too far, if I feel about something / someone strongly.

Due to a sensitive nature I really need a mature partner. She doesnt need to be linear and logical, my girlfriend for example is highly haphazard. But she needs to understand her feelings and to have a common understanding of what is right and what is wrong for her.

I dont like girls, who change opinions overnight.
 
R

Riva

Guest
I am wondering if this is a common NT trait.

When you are in relationship you can never be fully commited.
You like the person and everything works fine. But you stay somewhat reserved no matter how good it gets. It has nothing to do with fear of commitment it is just that you can't achive emotional intensity.
So it can happen that you feel stupid since you can't return affection in that moment.
What can hurt the other person .



I am sure that this can happen to other groups as well. Since this is probably related with T.

the lines i coloured don't relate to me.

i think the lines i coloured relate more to INTx than ENTx. ENTx extroversion wpuld atleast make them try. or atleast the ENTPs
 

Petite Etoile

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the lines i coloured don't relate to me.

i think the lines i coloured relate more to INTx than ENTx. ENTx extroversion wpuld atleast make them try. or atleast the ENTPs

my boyfriend is ENTP and he does exactly that (feel awkward when i express my feelings towards him and he can't exactly express it back without saying something silly afterwards)
 

Valhallahereicome

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I'm FWB with an ENTP guy right now and the "unable to achieve emotional intensity" thing definitely rings true, at least from my perspective. Judging by the way he talks about past relationships, he's never brought deep love and passion to the table and he doesn't really seem to notice that lack. Relationships for him are about clicking mentally and sexually, but I don't see in him that yearning for an intense spiritual and emotional connection. If he got really involved with a girl, he would probably have the same loyalty and caring toward her that he has toward his good friends, but nothing different.

Needless to say, that would never work for my INFP self!
 

01011010

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Nah, I can let someone in completely. Just done it once, and when it ended I was crushed for a couple of years. It helped me develop, though. Would do it again.

Same.

It wasn't until a love experience that I actually seemed to feel any kind of emotion at all. After it happened, I could perceive relationships in general, from a completely new perspective. I didn't get over it for a couple of years too.
 

jenocyde

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I didn't know that spirits and emotions could even connect. Maybe because I am almost 100% T, but I feel the same way as your fwb. You can make love to my brain and body - nothing else is real to me.
 

entropie

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One other thing though. Wouldnt it be possible to have a real deep and spiritual relation with someone, without even noticing it ?

I mean couldnt it be possible that someone has such a narrowed down set of rules or imagination, what a close spiritual relationship should be like and therefore cant find peace ?

I have a hard time, when someone says a relationship works on a mental or emotional way only, because thats just not possible. You always feel affection and therefore emotions towards someone, even if its only motivated because he is a mathematician.

I think what you are talking about are topics of common intrests and motivations that a man for example should have to show his affection to his girlfriend.

I have like a said a hard time to say that nt's have something like "the natural defect" to engage in a deep connection with her girlfriend. I spent 4 years with my gf and when it broke up, I needed 3 years to forget her for the most part.

I find it a bit insulting, If I am named cold and not deep emotional then. Not because I had a girlfriend for 4 years, but because I am not.
 

jenocyde

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Yes, yes. I understand you. I am also not cold, I feel very close to many people. But my level of closeness is not what others describe theirs to be. I always think they are making it up, to be honest.
 

Splittet

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Maybe I was dysfunctional at this before, but I think I have changed and am changing. Some close friendships and philosophical breakthroughs have changed me. I used to be a simple nihilist, seeing no purpose in life, but through reading psychology, I realized the way to create a purposeful life is intimate relationships with others, based on self-disclosure and acceptance. I have some people I am very grateful to, who I am fully committed to, because without them life wouldn't be worth it, and without their understanding life wouldn't be tolerable. Love is not necessarily a feeling of passion. When I tell people I care about them it feels honest, and it's true, and it's mostly based on me feeling liking and respect towards them, and me wanting and being committed to them. Those are the hallmarks of long-term love. The passion comes and goes, and is not necessary.
 

01011010

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One other thing though. Wouldnt it be possible to have a real deep and spiritual relation with someone, without even noticing it?

I mean couldnt it be possible that someone has such a narrowed down set of rules or imagination, what a close spiritual relationship should be like and therefore cant find peace?

I agree.

Perception is going to play a key role in how someone interprets their individual experience. NTs like to say mind-mate. NFs, soul-mate. People may call it whatever they like. The feeling being described, is most likely the same.
 

Valhallahereicome

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I agree.

Perception is going to play a key role in how someone interprets their individual experience. NTs like to say mind-mate. NFs, soul-mate. People may call it whatever they like. The feeling being described, is most likely the same.

Interesting - I could see that being true, although there's probably no way to really test it! That never occurred to me before. I've agonized trying to understand what's going on with my ENTP friend's lack of soulful connection ability, but maybe he makes up for that lack through an ability for deep mental connection. Like entropie and jenocyde said - it's not coldness, it's just a different form of expression.

So, I wonder if NTs and NFs can connect on a basic level then? I know that supposedly they tend to attract each other, but I'd think that NTs would want their partner to be mentally connected to them and NFs would want their partner to experience them on a more emotional level. As an NF, I know that the latter is true of me.
 

entropie

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Again, not all animals are equal.

I like to connect with my partner in a way that never gets boring. If she and me would make an archive of our findings, some poor guy in some office would have a lot of useless shit to read.

I found my soulmate in an INFJ. She has the same attitude, like I have to point out from the start who is the murderer in the movie, we share the same intrests and we are both fascinated about how deep the rabbit hole goes.

She is a VERY emotional person and is VERY unlikely to be ever happy and relaxed with the present situation. And although I am just the opposite, I give her security through who I am. And she shows me, through her being, what I missed in my life or didnt know about my own emotions.

According to Socionics we have an asymmetric relationship and I admit, we had A LOT of issues to work out, until today. And I know there are a lot of issues to come. But I have the mind and she has got the heart and we both have the appreciation for the other.

I would call us the perfect anti-pairing. Though we share the same intrests, we are of different heritage and we are both demanding and strong characters. She is Saggittarius and I am Leo and together we are infernal :)

-----

So compared to the general expectation. The pairing is not only a mind and heart thing. It can moreso be an idea thing for example. Like two people, who see the same shit the same way in the world on an intuitive basis.
 

jenocyde

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So, I wonder if NTs and NFs can connect on a basic level then? I know that supposedly they tend to attract each other, but I'd think that NTs would want their partner to be mentally connected to them and NFs would want their partner to experience them on a more emotional level. As an NF, I know that the latter is true of me.

I definitely need someone I can connect to mentally. Someone who "gets" me. I love Ns for this reason, the ability to follow my little game of connect the dots and enjoy it as much as I do. I fall in love with someone who challenges me and excites my brain.

I do get along very well with NFs but tend to find them a bit needy and in need of constant reassurance, or at least ENFPs. If I said "I love you" six months ago, it still stands unless otherwise noted, so why keep asking?
 

Winds of Thor

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Yes, yes. I understand you. I am also not cold, I feel very close to many people. But my level of closeness is not what others describe theirs to be. I always think they are making it up, to be honest.

Right...Others can learn to see with their mind's eye in addition to the other two..also use their memory and knowing of you, and also not place judgement on one based on their last 'mental snapshot' of someone. Unless something is just intentionally mean-spirited, please.:) Agree?
 

Edgar

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Nah, I can let someone in completely. Just done it once, and when it ended I was crushed for a couple of years. It helped me develop, though. Would do it again.

Use lube next time.
 

01011010

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So, I wonder if NTs and NFs can connect on a basic level then? I know that supposedly they tend to attract each other, but I'd think that NTs would want their partner to be mentally connected to them and NFs would want their partner to experience them on a more emotional level. As an NF, I know that the latter is true of me.

I prefer NFs. Nevertheless, as you mentioned there's difficulty connecting on the same mental wavelength. I'm not particularly fulfilling for a feeler, emotionally either. I think maturity, life experience, and age will have alot to do with conquering that divide.
 

ceecee

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So, I wonder if NTs and NFs can connect on a basic level then? I know that supposedly they tend to attract each other, but I'd think that NTs would want their partner to be mentally connected to them and NFs would want their partner to experience them on a more emotional level. As an NF, I know that the latter is true of me.

I know when I press my forehead against my NF's head we stay like that for some time. Because it's so pleasant but I think it also brings the mental and emotional connections together. Sometimes I think if I do it long enough I can hear what he's thinking. But I know he hears mine long before. I envy him for this.

I think maturity, life experience, and age will have alot to do with conquering that divide.

Absolutely. It's one of the good things about getting older.
 

entropie

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I prefer NFs. Nevertheless, as you mentioned there's difficulty connecting on the same mental wavelength. I'm not particularly fulfilling for a feeler, emotionally either. I think maturity, life experience, and age will have alot to do with conquering that divide.

What divide ?
 
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