Like a lot of INTPs, I have a problem with motivation. However, I'm doing fine in school and have a bit of money stashed in the bank. Therefore the problem is not about a certain area of my life, but rather my life in general.
People tell me I'm smart, creative and independent, but I feel so helpless thinking about my life and what the future will bring. The thing is, I'm so painfully bored with my life and feel at odds with people in general. It sounds whiny just typing that -- as if I haven't grown out of my teenage blues -- but it's really what I feel. Maybe I'm emotionally immature, but I want your advice here.
As an INTP, I come off as quite smart and educated about many topics and people who notice this about me say they are in awe of my intellect and would love to see me "go out and do stuff". But as an INTP, I'm so addicted to thinking and figuring out ideas that I move from one idea to the next, and have little motivation to see my ideas being applied. I have very few materialistic desires and am so anti-authority that I cannot see myself working with any organization for a significant period in my life.
Relationship-wise, I am intensely loyal to my little circle of family and friends, but am not interested in people in general. I notice that people usually have warm and intense feelings for each other, but I genuinely don't feel that way at all most of the time. I try to be polite with people, but that's the only extent that I'd be willing to go. In a way, I'm kind of snobbish because I feel that people are foolish for not being intellectually curious and adamant about social issues like I feel I am. It feels like I have to dumb myself down when I'm with people because their interests seem so trivial to me (they are fixated on consuming, consuming and consuming). I'm often seen as detached and cold. It doesn't help that I'm a woman and that women are expected to be relational and warm. I also have somewhat awkward Asperger-ish social tendencies (e.g. problems with eye contact, reading social cues and making small talk).
And oh, I have no love life whatsoever. I'm 21 and have never been in a relationship. My introversion, lack of motivation of meeting people and my sexuality (gay) means things are progressing VERY slowly.
At first I thought I needed to apply myself in my studies and I did. I suffered from a host of mental issues (depression, anxiety) when I was in my teens causing me to be a near-failure at school, and was constantly admonished by my family. And even though I was so miserable, I managed to scrape through and now am in my 2nd year of university and doing fine.
Then my financial situation made me panic and I thought that maybe I needed to get a job to feel better, and I did some part-time work, and even though my savings are not a lot, it's a step. Work does make me feel less helpless, but not majorly so. As a student, I have to deal with minimal pay and being in an area I don't give a damn about (retail).
Now, I'm taking a break from work before I find another one, and am waiting for the new semester of school to start. And even though things seem to go fine, I cannot for the life of me feel excited about life.
I know this isn't exactly depression because I've been through that and know what it feels like.
I suspect that my trouble is how I see the world -- it's somewhat at odds with societal expectations. I don't care about socializing, am very intense (concerned with big issues and morals) and love to study.
I'm trying to apply myself more, such as trying to apply my ideals on the real world by doing some work with NGOs on women's rights (an issue I'm most passionate about). But it seems that despite all this -- school, work and volunteering -- I feel that it would never be ENOUGH, because the world demands so much.
I see people having aspirations like money, friendship and reputation and even though I scoff at their aspirations as shallow, I'm in awe of how people seem to generally love life and are so motivated.
I feel so empty and restless. I feel so unvalidated because no one functions like I do: they don't care about ideas like I am, they constantly want me to socialize and be a mindless consumer.
What keeps me going is that I'm curious and would like to see the world. And to a certain extent, see that my ideals come to the fruition, but I could never be as peaceful as INFPs and INFJs, and to be as strong-willed as INTJS. INTJs what to shape the world, INTPs simply want to figure it out.
Which leads to the questions: Do life get better for INTPs as they grow older or are they doomed to be eternally restless and uncommitted? What should I do? What keeps INTPs going? I feel that I'm not aggressive enough for to assert my self in this world. I feel so unmotivated to strive for anything.
PS. Sorry if that was long and whiny, but I had to get it out of my system.