[INTP] Please help! I'm in love with an INTp

[Marie]

It seems likely to me.

It could of course be that in your absence, he thinks he likes you more than he thought he did when you were present, which is no better a scenario. After you're back together, reversion occurs.

The sad state of affairs is that the vast majority of relationships which are conditional on sustained mutual interest don't last. To be optimistic about one which doesn't even look promising is asking for a let-down.

Right again. My marriage to an NF didn't last despite all we had in common. How could I think this one could last. How InfP of me.

 

[Salomé]

I'd take that bet.

On which side?

The usual meaning of the phrase.

worried he was insensitive previously, and is being a nice guy

Unlikely.

If he was worried about being insensitive, he would a) not have ignored the girl for a month after they slept together and b) have addressed the issue and set her straight about his level of interest.
He's not a nice guy - he's a bit of a selfish jerk who is probably hedging his bets.

 

[Marie]

You are?

Time to face the music.

 

[Lady_X]

hugs for ya marie...

 

[Siegfried]

Time to face the music.

Wait, wait, this is not cool.

 

[Marie]

Wait, wait, this is not cool.

I'm not going to hold on to false hopes. I'm not settling for "just friends" either. I have too much pride.

 

[Jack Flak]

If he was worried about being insensitive, he would a) not have ignored the girl for a month after they slept together and b) have addressed the issue and set her straight about his level of interest.
He's not a nice guy - he's a bit of a selfish jerk who is probably hedging his bets.

I didn't mean to say it would be so cut and dry. You know people are shifty beasts.

I think we're both right, to be honest. After a period of cool-down, he realized he was being a jerk, and is also keeping his options open.

 

[Siegfried]

I'm not going to hold on to false hopes. I'm not settling for "just friends" either. I have too much pride.

Didn't you want things casual for now? I'm sure he can come out of his cave if you don't want that.

 

[Marie]

Didn't you want things casual for now? I'm sure he can come out of his cave if you don't want that.

I know what I want but I don't think he knows what he wants. I don't know how to proceed. I have to go into my cave now and think. I thank everyone for your input.

 

[soleil]

I know what I want but I don't think he knows what he wants. I don't know how to proceed. I have to go into my cave now and think. I thank everyone for your input.

 

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

Nay, nay, thrice nay!

You've got the right idea, Marie. Play the long game.

I 'played the long game', doing exactly what she's doing. (So similar in fact that I wonder if he's the same guy) The 'game' lasted for 10 years and we're still 'just friends'. I kept waiting around, told him occasionally over the years how I felt about him, even poured out my heart a couple times when the waiting and game playing drove me to it.

He would call me, ask me to attend work parties with him, go to movies, come over and 'hang out' and show the tell-tale signs of jealousy when I'd consider dating someone else. We would spend Holidays together with his family, go out to bars together... but he wouldn't ever 'date' me.

I finally tired of this routine and started slowly exiting his life and for six months I didn't hear from him. Suddenly he called me out of the blue and started inviting me to do things two and three times a week for about a month and was acting completely different- extremely Happy, Confident - so different in fact that I commented on it a couple times to him before he told me that he'd been seeing someone else for 6 months. He crushed me at that point, and I hated the fact that he'd deliberately pulled me back into his life for God knows why when I was moving on and doing fine without him.

Things have not been the same with us since then, but I finally realized not to waste my time waiting for him. I just wish I'd realized it a lot, LOT sooner. Its so hard to describe how days became weeks, months became years... and all the while thinking I was being 'patient' and giving him the space he needed.

You think he is just feeling guilty? Not really interested in picking up where we started? I'd rather not hear from him. :steam:

I think a lot of the times he contacted me when I'd get frustrated with him were out of guilt.

I don't know your crush, and only you can make the call on how much time invested is too much time... but if I may offer some advise, set yourself a time limit and stick to it. It won't be easy because you'll feel that you've made 'progress' with him and don't want to have all that effort be for nothing... but the longer you wait, the harder it will be to walk away.

Its the proverbial person at the checkout line. The longer you invest your time into waiting, the less likely you are to walk away.

You'll be doing yourself a huge favor by determining up front how long is 'too long' and abiding by it.

Good luck.

 

[Lady_X]

wow misty that's so long! hugs to ya babe! how hard that must have been.

 

[Tallulah]

Misty--when you told him how you felt, what did he say? Was he giving you hope along the way?

I have a friend who's going through this exact thing with an INTx guy. It's like he couldn't make up his mind what he wanted, so he kept stringing her along. Then, like you were saying, one day he showed up all chipper and told her he was seeing someone. Grrr.

 

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

Misty--when you told him how you felt, what did he say? Was he giving you hope along the way?

I have a friend who's going through this exact thing with an INTx guy. It's like he couldn't make up his mind what he wanted, so he kept stringing her along. Then, like you were saying, one day he showed up all chipper and told her he was seeing someone. Grrr.

Whenever I said anything he would only stare at me and completely zone out and say NOTHING. The one time I DID get him to actually respond was when he was completely wasted one night and he told me I 'didn't know what love was' when I told him I loved him. (I should have known there things would not get better)

His actions always seemed to speak louder than his... non-words though. Either that or it was guilt-driven or afraid to cut me loose in case nothing better came along. Its a long time to string someone on though, so I'm guessing guilt was at the root of most of it.

He did some really, REALLY stupid shit. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that someone can be SO oblivious to how things affect others that he'd do some of it. Example... The week before he told me he'd been with this girl for six months he asked me if my daughter and I wanted to move back in with him. (We'd been roommates long ago, never slept together though) How the hell this would have entered his mind is beyond me. I was smart enough by then to tell him no and that it was a bad idea, but when he broke the news to me a week later I was absolutely floored. He told me his girlfriend was 'deathly jealous' of me (she lived out of state) and I asked him what he'd have done if I'd agree to move in with him. He didn't see a problem with it.

:steam:

 

[Tallulah]

Whenever I said anything he would only stare at me and completely zone out and say NOTHING. The one time I DID get him to actually respond was when he was completely wasted one night and he told me I 'didn't know what love was' when I told him I loved him. (I should have known there things would not get better)

His actions always seemed to speak louder than his... non-words though. Either that or it was guilt-driven or afraid to cut me loose in case nothing better came along. Its a long time to string someone on though, so I'm guessing guilt was at the root of most of it.

He did some really, REALLY stupid shit. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that someone can be SO oblivious to how things affect others that he'd do some of it. Example... The week before he told me he'd been with this girl for six months he asked me if my daughter and I wanted to move back in with him. (We'd been roommates long ago, never slept together though) How the hell this would have entered his mind is beyond me. I was smart enough by then to tell him no and that it was a bad idea, but when he broke the news to me a week later I was absolutely floored. He told me his girlfriend was 'deathly jealous' of me (she lived out of state) and I asked him what he'd have done if I'd agree to move in with him. He didn't see a problem with it.

:steam:

Wow, yeah, sounds like this guy has issues--especially when you actually told him how you felt, and he wouldn't be straight with you. With my friend, by his actions, he seemed like he really cared about her, and he spent every bit of his free time with her, insisting on paying for things when they went out, etc. He kissed he once and then disappeared for a few days, like it freaked him out. Meanwhile, she's thinking how compatible they are, that they have so many interests in common, etc. Her guy ultimately ended up with a girl that he has absolutely nothing in common with, interest-wise, but is his typical physical type. I'm just glad my friend's not pining over this dude anymore. I never met him, but if I did, I'd be tempted to punch him. If he wasn't interested, he should have told her, since she was very obviously interested in him.

 

[Salomé]

I 'played the long game', doing exactly what she's doing. (So similar in fact that I wonder if he's the same guy) The 'game' lasted for 10 years

There's long. And then there's crazy.
I meant she shouldn't try "dragging him out of his cave". He'd just stick in his heels.

I have a friend who's going through this exact thing with an INTx guy. It's like he couldn't make up his mind what he wanted, so he kept stringing her along. Then, like you were saying, one day he showed up all chipper and told her he was seeing someone. Grrr.

Passive. Needy yet detached. Indecisive. Fatal combination.
I try telling these ppl that we are b'stards (esp. the men), but will they listen?

 

[runvardh]

Na Blue. That's why I use the boxes; I figure things are going well and I present the box. The last INTP I tried that with, she shied away slightly then later came back, grabbed the box and put it around us. I guess I have a habit of picking up freaks...

 

[INA]

Passive. Needy yet detached. Indecisive. Fatal combination.
I try telling these ppl that we are b'stards (esp. ONLY the men), but will they listen?

fixed.

intps do gender role reversal. The women have nuts the size of coconuts and the men become pussycats.
(now before whiny intp men start getting their knickers in a bunch: this is mostly b.s., but who cares?)

 

[Salomé]

intps do gender role reversal. The women have nuts the size of coconuts and the men become pussycats.

Heeheehee! QFT.

Na Blue. That's why I use the boxes

Litter tray? I have no clue what you're on about kitteh.

 

[JocktheMotie]

Actually I kind of agree with you two. Oh for shame.