• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INTP] INTP Addiction

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
Totally agree with Jock on the "stick to ideas" thing. It's not as though we won't tell you something about our personal lives if we trust you, but we don't like being under the microscope. We'd much prefer it to just come out naturally in the course of conversation.

Sometimes with my ENFP friend, I just feel like she wants more than I can give--if I'm in a quiet mood, she wants to know what's wrong, or if I'm mad at her or something. It makes me feel kind of anxious, b/c I don't like taking my emotional temperature every five seconds. I just want to be. And then I kind of feel like I should give her more feedback so she won't feel anxious, and it's a big circle.

Just fyi, INTPs are rarely sitting around holding grudges for something stupid you said or did. We either a) didn't notice or b) noticed, but wrote it off as an anomaly. Heaven knows we certainly aren't in a position to judge social gaffes.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
I was actually thinking about that today. I think I may just accept the criticism from now on and admit defeat. Truly, I have been DEEPLY WOUNDED by your judgments of me. Babam. And then, bounce back and laugh at myself for being so ridiculous.

Just let him know. He may think his comments are illuminating and helpful. Helping him be aware of what your boundaries are will help him, and he will most likely pay attention to them if he values your friendship. Although if you ask for criticism or help, he will most surely give it to you without pulling any punches. He will absolutely give you his honest assessment, and trust that you will be able to not be personally hurt by what he says.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
Our ideas, and even more importantly, their acceptance and ability to interest and intrigue others is something we love. If he shares his ideas with you, it is a great compliment to you.

It is! It is! I only think that my expression of my delight in him sharing these ideas makes him uneasy. So, I try to act a little more aloof and usually fail. He knows I want to know, and I know he knows that I want to know. It is sort of like a game, but it is good too in a sense because he started to share something and then said to me, "I am not ready to talk about that with you yet." Which, I appreciate and in return said, "Well, you can talk about it with me if you want." And, left it at that.

I want him to find me trustworthy, but it seems that wanting this is sort of counterproductive. He will not be coerced... and if he senses it... he backs away. Which makes me question my own motives... why do I always have this need to know? Curious!

I also wonder if he thinks that I am as interested in his ideas the same as with everyone else. I obviously do not see him the same as everyone else and value his thoughts more.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Jock, don't you roll your eyes at someone who admits to being hurt that easily though?

Tallulah: nice to know you guys don't keep score, really :)
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
Totally agree with Jock on the "stick to ideas" thing. It's not as though we won't tell you something about our personal lives if we trust you, but we don't like being under the microscope. We'd much prefer it to just come out naturally in the course of conversation.

Yes! I have noticed this too (he even used the phrase "you can't force it [the conversation]" and called me out on it). I wonder why the trust seems to take so long to be realized though. I don't trust everyone, but in my brain I'm like YAY! We are on the same intuitive page! Let's make the most of it! It could be because I am N-deprived in real life though (amping up my enthusiasm over having found one).

Sometimes with my ENFP friend, I just feel like she wants more than I can give--if I'm in a quiet mood, she wants to know what's wrong, or if I'm mad at her or something. It makes me feel kind of anxious, b/c I don't like taking my emotional temperature every five seconds. I just want to be. And then I kind of feel like I should give her more feedback so she won't feel anxious, and it's a big circle.

Yeah. I try not to ask anything of him... like in a grabbing sense to try to fulfill an emotional need I have... that seems like a bad idea (although, it is hard not to sometimes because it seems like when you have that connection, it should work that way) I mostly find it nice just to be in his company, which works well as roommates. Although, I think he does sometimes give feedback to me because he sees that I would like it, even though I do not say so. Totally appreciate that.

Just fyi, INTPs are rarely sitting around holding grudges for something stupid you said or did. We either a) didn't notice or b) noticed, but wrote it off as an anomaly. Heaven knows we certainly aren't in a position to judge social gaffes.

Phew. That's nice to know. It does seem though that he still has not made a final judgment call on me. I feel like if he did, he would count me as trustworthy on a larger scale. I'm not sure though.
 

ygolo

My termites win
Joined
Aug 6, 2007
Messages
5,988
It does seem though that he still has not made a final judgment call on me. I feel like if he did, he would count me as trustworthy on a larger scale. I'm not sure though.

I don't know about your roommate, but as an INTP, I don't make "final judgements."
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
Jock, don't you roll your eyes at someone who admits to being hurt that easily though?

Well yes. It's irritating. But it's important to note that the normal ones don't do it on purpose. Our objective is usually not to hurt others. It just happens because our statements, thoughts, and observations don't come with a candy coating. That being said, I do try to avoid making hurtful comments in general because the energy required to defuse that situation is considerably higher, and not something I'm equipped to handle, than if I were to slightly change my wording. With friends this is easy to do because I have a deeper understanding of their weak points, though with strangers it's hopeless.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
I don't know about your roommate, but I don't make "final judgements."

Yeah, I don't know. It's weird. Sometimes he states these observations about me that are dead on and other times he shares stuff with me and I almost feel like he's forgotten who he is talking to... and I think... wow, he must really not actually know me that well. But, I always want to give people space to be themselves, so it is an interesting balance of maintaining my identity and not blindly stepping into who he is projecting me to be (which honestly, I don't know that he believes what he says about me half the time -- often, although I cannot think of examples, the projections seem to conflict)
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
Rachel--I'm gonna suggest that you try not to constantly evaluate the friendship so much. I've noticed with a lot of NFs--people that I really do like a lot--if they like you, they kind of want to tie you down and rope you in, almost like you're gonna get away if they don't claim you. So they want to ask you to do a million things with them right away, invite you over to their houses immediately, want to know if they're correct in assuming that you're friends with them, etc. It's cute, in a way, but for an INTP, sometimes a bit overwhelming. It takes us a while to get comfortable with people, even if we really, really like them. Really, I'd say if you back off a wee bit and play it a bit casual, trusting that if the INTP likes you, he'll still be there, he'll probably feel closer to you faster.

When someone is gunning for my friendship, it kind of hems me in so that I'm not really sure how I feel about them--I don't know if I'm choosing to have them as a friend, or if I've just been "claimed." :smile:
 

spirilis

Senior Membrane
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
2,687
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I say, slow down and give it time. Now that I'm thinking about it, my one (female) ENFP friend's got to know me slowly, over the past 5 years, a little bit at a time, increasingly personal & private matters along the way... and that friendship I feel has a very rock-solid foundation to it as a result.

I'm impatient as anyone else myself so I guess I understand, but just give it time.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
Phew. That's nice to know. It does seem though that he still has not made a final judgment call on me. I feel like if he did, he would count me as trustworthy on a larger scale. I'm not sure though.

You have to understand that friendship and trust for INTPs does not mean he shares his feelings and personal life with you. I have had friends that I consider close for 10+ years, that I have never shared a personal detail with. Trust, for him, may be that he enjoys bouncing new ideas off of you, making observations about you or with you about something else, he thinks you are trustworthy in that regard. But if you're looking for anything more than that...I don't think most INTPs consider their personal feelings and inner minds friendship material. Some don't even consider it SO material.
 

spirilis

Senior Membrane
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
2,687
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
You have to understand that friendship and trust for INTPs does not mean he shares his feelings and personal life with you. I have had friends that I consider close for 10+ years, that I have never shared a personal detail with. Trust, for him, may be that he enjoys bouncing new ideas off of you, making observations about you or with you about something else, he thinks you are trustworthy in that regard. But if you're looking for anything more than that...I don't think most INTPs consider their personal feelings and inner minds friendship material. Some don't even consider it SO material.

I beg to differ, at least in the realm of NF friendships. Personal matters seems to be their bread & butter and I *AM* a better person as a result of sharing those matters with my NF friends. From a strategic standpoint alone, having a friend who can help with such matters (relationships, feelings, etc)--especially if they're much more experienced in such matters than you--is a valuable asset. These are folks who can help prevent you from walking down a bad path, and who will vouch for you if your trust & integrity ever come into question from others. It requires a varying level of what I'll call "emotional maintenance" but that's something you can determine for yourself whether it's an acceptable cost. Always has been for me.

As for other types... yeah, I don't talk about personal stuff as much with them. It's a chiefly NF thing for me.
 

Misty_Mountain_Rose

New member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
1,123
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
4w5
If I am any judge of the INTP's in my own life, I'd say you need to back off and not try so hard. They seem to have a sixth sense about when someone is wheedling or trying to coherce conversations and I've seen them respond to it with amusement (toying with the person) or with anger where they completely shut down or throw out one of their famous one-liners.

They are a difficult bunch to get to know well. The ones I know hide themselves behind sarcasm, intellect... and when that fails, a weird kind of silence paired with a look that I can't really explain but it makes you feel about an inch tall. They're about the only type that can make me doubt myself and shake my confidence.

They're my favorite type to try to figure out, followed closely by ISTJ's.

I've found that the more you tease and joke the more interesting they become, and they only seem to open up when they're drunk. I advocate getting him a bottle of Jack. :devil:
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
I beg to differ, at least in the realm of NF friendships. Personal matters seems to be their bread & butter and I *AM* a better person as a result of sharing those matters with my NF friends. From a strategic standpoint alone, having a friend who can help with such matters (relationships, feelings, etc)--especially if they're much more experienced in such matters than you--is a valuable asset. These are folks who can help prevent you from walking down a bad path, and who will vouch for you if your trust & integrity ever come into question from others. It requires a varying level of what I'll call "emotional maintenance" but that's something you can determine for yourself whether it's an acceptable cost. Always has been for me.

As for other types... yeah, I don't talk about personal stuff as much with them. It's a chiefly NF thing for me.

Perhaps I just fall under an extreme. I don't really share my personal thoughts or problems with my relationships, feelings, etc with anybody. I tend to try to resolve them myself. Maybe my SO, but even then the prying she must do to get me to uncork is excessive and my reluctance carries over into frustration for me. So for me, if someone actively tries to get me to share that part of myself, I'll resist or indulge them [perhaps even untruthfully] just to get them off my back. I'll tell someone what they want to hear to avoid further conversation on the topic.

But these are just things I do, maybe I was shortsighted to suggest this was a normal inclination. I just don't find that I need to share my personal self in order to be a really great friend to others.

I've found that the more you tease and joke the more interesting they become, and they only seem to open up when they're drunk. I advocate getting him a bottle of Jack. :devil:


This is the truth! I am the world's biggest cuddly teddy bear if drunk enough. It's baffling.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
Rachel--I'm gonna suggest that you try not to constantly evaluate the friendship so much. I've noticed with a lot of NFs--people that I really do like a lot--if they like you, they kind of want to tie you down and rope you in, almost like you're gonna get away if they don't claim you. So they want to ask you to do a million things with them right away, invite you over to their houses immediately, want to know if they're correct in assuming that you're friends with them, etc. It's cute, in a way, but for an INTP, sometimes a bit overwhelming. It takes us a while to get comfortable with people, even if we really, really like them. Really, I'd say if you back off a wee bit and play it a bit casual, trusting that if the INTP likes you, he'll still be there, he'll probably feel closer to you faster.

When someone is gunning for my friendship, it kind of hems me in so that I'm not really sure how I feel about them--I don't know if I'm choosing to have them as a friend, or if I've just been "claimed."

HA! Yes! That is how I am! True, I need to learn to trust the liking and rest. The NF angst gets the best of me sometimes. Thank you for your insight and advice.

Do you find that you ever "gun" for someone else's friendship?
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
HA! Yes! That is how I am! True, I need to learn to trust the liking and rest. The NF angst gets the best of me sometimes. Thank you for your insight and advice.

Do you find that you ever "gun" for someone else's friendship?

I do, actually. Not very often, so it's a weird feeling when it happens. Usually what happens is that I have to make a conscious effort to back off, and then, being an INTP, probably look like I have no interest whatsoever. :doh: I do think I do way better when I can tell myself to just let it be what it is, though. When a normally-cool INTP goes all chihuahua-begging-for-attention, it tends to freak people out. ;)
 

nozflubber

DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
Joined
Mar 30, 2008
Messages
2,078
MBTI Type
Hype
:devil: The more ENF's who fall into our trap, the more prosperous our hive :D

Capacity nearing critical......SPAWN MORE OVERLORDS!!

23348_overlord_normal.jpg
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
I advocate getting him a bottle of Jack.

Funny! He offered me some last night. It's his fave.

You have to understand that friendship and trust for INTPs does not mean he shares his feelings and personal life with you..

Hm, no, I think that it does. I mean, I think that is what he means when he is speaking of trustworthiness. He mentioned being burned in the past, so I get the sense that he would like to trust me, but he does not want to be stabbed in the back until he is sure no harm will come from me.

This is interesting to me on a wider level because it is a skill that I would like to learn. That is, holding myself back from disclosing too much to people I do not know (well enough to trust). There is just that confessional thing that we ENFPs have. I can usually tell when I cross a line (by sharing too much), but even after being burned myself, I still trust more often than not. It seems like putting up a wall of protection until I am more sure would be better for me.
 

spirilis

Senior Membrane
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
2,687
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I do, actually. Not very often, so it's a weird feeling when it happens. Usually what happens is that I have to make a conscious effort to back off, and then, being an INTP, probably look like I have no interest whatsoever. :doh: I do think I do way better when I can tell myself to just let it be what it is, though. When a normally-cool INTP goes all chihuahua-begging-for-attention, it tends to freak people out. ;)

LOL. Hasn't happened much, but I think I know what you mean. Worse yet, sometimes the forced back-off starts a negative dynamic--where the other person thinks I have something against them, and retaliate in subtle passive aggressive manners. That's never good.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
When a normally-cool INTP goes all chihuahua-begging-for-attention, it tends to freak people out.

That would be phenomenally ridiculous! I would hope to be front seat and center.
 
Top