[INTJ] INTJs & Affection

[Hendo Barbarosa]

I would say respect your time commitments. Don't be flaky, and show genuine interest.

This is also so important. Every minute past the time when you were supposed to meet one is a minute in a universe of utter chaos, that you have thrown them into. In fact, if you're going to be running late, might as well call or contact to say so, because it could NEVER hurt.

It kind of sucks too, because I've had enough friends who are also INTJ to realize that sometimes it seems like the INTJ is doing exactly that, being flaky and not showing genuine interest, and then YOU are required to NOT do that by any means. That building of sincere trust even in the face of (seeming) indifference, I've found definitely wins me over to people no matter what, and often builds friendships that I esteem higher almost than blood relatives.

 

[soleil]

Can wall it off and become almost colder until I feel there is a possible return. In some ways it may be a subconscious fear of rejection at some point or being hurt/hurting them emotionally if things don't fall into place. If a person sticks with me and tries to get under the wall, it becomes quiet the opposite but in control...usually. Problems is when an INTJ does show any emotion they can sometimes have trouble expressing it correctly as it is an inferior trait. Of course I may be a bad example as my T is pretty low and once in awhile I test as an INFJ. That is the problem with MBTI, the 50% threshold and explaining it correctly.

This is very true. I understand much better now from experience. What do you mean by a possible return? Do you mean to see if there is a next time?

It's such an amazing feeling when an INTJ can express their thoughts/feelings with you. It really is a marathon, but it's worth it!

I was wondering about the reciprocating part too.

DigitalMethod: Talk about feelings.
In the right way.*

*Not sure what the right way is. Yet.


^^I did this & it worked out! He expressed what was on his mind, how he felt. I told him how I felt in return. I been thinking about the next time I see him if it would be appropriate to take it to the next level. I realized that he has been doing all the work (approaching, keeping in touch). So, I want to do my part. Ultimately, I will be who I am & be natural about it, but my mind is racing with ways to approach it. Any tips?

 

[Maabus1999]

This is very true. I understand much better now from experience. What do you mean by a possible return? Do you mean to see if there is a next time?

It's such an amazing feeling when an INTJ can express their thoughts/feelings with you. It really is a marathon, but it's worth it!

I was wondering about the reciprocating part too.

DigitalMethod: Talk about feelings.
In the right way.*

*Not sure what the right way is. Yet.


^^I did this & it worked out! He expressed what was on his mind, how he felt. I told him how I felt in return. I been thinking about the next time I see him if it would be appropriate to take it to the next level. I realized that he has been doing all the work (approaching, keeping in touch). So, I want to do my part. Ultimately, I will be who I am & be natural about it, but my mind is racing with ways to approach it. Any tips?

Well I am honestly attracted to the ENFP personality the most from my experience. However, NF's in general all get a good response from me . However, I have also had some issues with ENFP's so I am suspicious of their true intentions my self as they can "bounce". Also their openess and ability to spend quality time engaged that is natural to them can be seen as romantic interest by a lot of types, but after learning that from ENFPs (and E women in general), I just want to make sure I know what their intentions are fully (and that may take a year LOL with my back and forth analysis of scenarios).

In short, I want to make sure the person cares about who I am, who I really am, and find that to be important to them, and then I might put out some fishing lines...

 

[Sniffles]

From my experiences, they tend to strain themselves when it comes to showing affection.

 

[Maabus1999]

From my experiences, they tend to strain themselves when it comes to showing affection.

If we are not comfortable with you; very, very true.

If we are, not so much.

 

[laintpe]

oh please, edgar is just overflowing with affection and warmth.

 

[Sniffles]

If we are not comfortable with you; very, very true.

If we are, not so much.

Ahhh so she went from being comfortable with me to being uncomfortable. Gotcha!

 

[Kalach]

I know an INFJ. She's great. It's a competition all the time, though.

I really, really, really wouldn't discount the difference between Fi and Fe for when it comes to seeing, showing, and being warmth and affection. Really.

I don't know why they're different. Instinct, intuition, gut reaction just tells me they are.

(Especially if you have two Js together both of them--quite naturally--deciding for themselves what is and isn't warm and affectionate.)

 

[Sniffles]

Oh trust me, the more I learn about MBTI, the more I realise it was largely an issue of misunderstanding between us.

 

[Edgar]

oh please, edgar is just overflowing with affection and warmth.

I am the sweetest vengeance thirsty maniac-nihilist you'll ever come across.

 

[ArchAngel]

I lived with, and loved, an INTJ woman for five years. They were warm, interesting, difficult years. At times, she was as affectionate as could be --- and at times she seemed mechanical ...

 

[GargoylesLegacy]

If we are not comfortable with you; very, very true.
If we are, not so much.

I second that. When I don't like somebody so much and / or feel uncomfy I will act all cold, assy and just defensive. Also I won't talk and always do something else. I am just not interested then and will never - I repeat - never walk up to them. Not even if they can or COULD help me with something (I'd like to point that out because my roomie said I should keep those people "warm" and just talk to them when I need something. But I am not like that, so I'd rather just kick them out of my life than doing what he said).

On the other hand, when I like somebody, respect them, feel comfy etc I can be as warm, welcoming, nice, helpful and whatever else as a fire in a cold winternight.

 

[Kalach]

INTJs and affection? Or maybe just this one...

It's only when I discover what's true that I feel warm. It's only when I act on it that I feel successful.



And another thing... INTJs revert to Ti to pwn pretty much everyone, or try to, and it's especially disabling used on NFJs. We can't help it much because by that time it's usually Fi doing the real driving. In it's extreme form you'll recognise it as high pressure, low-voiced and aggressively monotone detailing of why something should happen.



Affectionate Addendum:

I like that "only when" formula. Seems like there are other-NJ correlates:

INFJ: "It's only when I discover warmth that I feel true, and only when I act on it that I feel successful"
ENFJ: "It's only when I do something warm that I feel true."
ENTJ: "It's only when I do something successful that I feel warm."

I guess so, anywayz...

 

[prosperity]

I get that INTJs arent really big into affection displays, BUT if you are with an F type, then you need to learn it - spontaneous affection works best - i.e give a little random hug or kiss. (its not that hard! is it?) Im with an INTJ and thats what i miss most from other relationships, there is no passion.

 

[Costrin]

i.e give a little random hug or kiss. (its not that hard! is it?)

It is that hard. That empathic connection you naturally develop is extremely hard for us INTs to establish. Takes a great deal of effort. It's as if we're balancing on a very thin, old, weak and rotten beam. Even if we consciously know it'll hold, it's still a very uneasy feeling. We never really know when it'll suddenly break.

Not trying to make excuses for us, clearly we need to develop our emotional side, but if you realize how hard it really is, then maybe you can appreciate it all the more when it does happen.

 

[01011010]

I lived with, and loved, an INTJ woman for five years. They were warm, interesting, difficult years. At times, she was as affectionate as could be --- and at times she seemed mechanical ...

Most of the time we are. INFJs can make an INTJ seem more human. Kudos to you, for taking the chance.

And another thing... INTJs revert to Ti to pwn pretty much everyone, or try to, and it's especially disabling used on NFJs. We can't help it much because by that time it's usually Fi doing the real driving. In it's extreme form you'll recognise it as high pressure, low-voiced and aggressively monotone detailing of why something should happen.

Oi. I've never seen that written out before, but I do it often. When stressed, the extreme method you mentioned does come out. I failed to understand why it bothered the XNFJ, but the way you described it speaks volumes. Times like this, remind me exactly why I joined the forum in the first place. For insight, into interactions.

Thank you.

 

[soleil]

I second that. When I don't like somebody so much and / or feel uncomfy I will act all cold, assy and just defensive. Also I won't talk and always do something else. I am just not interested then and will never - I repeat - never walk up to them. Not even if they can or COULD help me with something (I'd like to point that out because my roomie said I should keep those people "warm" and just talk to them when I need something. But I am not like that, so I'd rather just kick them out of my life than doing what he said).

On the other hand, when I like somebody, respect them, feel comfy etc I can be as warm, welcoming, nice, helpful and whatever else as a fire in a cold winternight.

^^ Sounds nice.

When you feel this way for a person...are you expressing your affection to them regularly? Since they are worthy of your time & all.

 

[Maabus1999]

^^ Sounds nice.

When you feel this way for a person...are you expressing your affection to them regularly? Since they are worthy of your time & all.

Worthy of my time is a misnomer. It is more like someone I can trust to be myself completely and not feel uncomfortable with my natural awkwardness of showing emotion at times. In previous relationships, yes I expressed a lot of affection.

If you want to look at INTJ as a whole, the INTJ is very intuitive in a relationship and will try to fix things to be perfect. Therefore in my case I used affection heavily. I would still have my solitary moments though.

You seem to be very curious about INTJ's? Are you trying to understand something specificially to help with an INTJ? Or just curious in general. I would suggest having a conversation with an INTJ who has been in long term relationships so you can bounce whatever is on your mind off them.

 

[DigitalMethod]

Me thinks a majority of INTJs are romantics. Least to some degree of the statement. What do you guys think?

 

[Maabus1999]

Me thinks a majority of INTJs are romantics. Least to some degree of the statement. What do you guys think?

Agree.