INTJs are just so cool. Most replies here remind me of my INTJ hubby. Lots of good points brought up.
The man you're describing, soleil, sounds quite a bit like my hubby. The fact that he's initiating the calls and seeing you when he can is a good indicator that he likes you a lot, I think. And, imo, when he's mentioned marriage, even though you think he's scared of commitment, it is an indicator that he's thinking about you as serious-dating material.
Also, I don't think ignoring it or not taking it seriously is the way to go. Sounds like to me that he's reassuring you that he actually likes you. My INTJ wouldn't bother to reassure like that unless he wanted to make sure I knew he cared and wanted to hold onto the relationship.
Here's where they're different. Maybe it's an age thing. "My INTJ" was 36 when we met. He never "laid claim" on me like that. We rarely even call each other "husband" or "wife" IRL. It feels like a label of possession to both of us, and we respect each other's independence and individuality too much for that. However, I will say that another guy once observed he was territorial with me.When we are around each other, he stares into my eyes a lot & gets a little territorial when we are outside saying I'm his girlfriend & bringing me around people he knows.
I didn't see it until I looked back at the situation from that guy's perspective. "My" INTJ and I were just dating casually at the time, and it was a situation where there were several people going somewhere. I could either ride in the INTJ's car or this other guy's car. The INTJ quietly asked me (and the other guy heard), "You're going to ride with me, aren't you?"
See, that's very subtle, but even the other guy picked up on it. The INTJ had his sights on me, but was scared of chasing me off (long story)...so he was being subtle yet still feeling me out and wanting to be with me
Hubby did the same thing. He was particularly picky, for both their sakes and his own. If they were clingy or were trying to mold themselves to be what they thought he wanted, he cut the ties quickly. He knew enough about himself to know he needed to be with a strong-willed, self-assured/secure woman with an already-established personality and way of doing things. He didn't want someone who'd mold themselves for him. The INTJ you know may be the same way.He has told me he has cut people out of his life particularly females very quickly.
Good that you can see past what seems like coldness. With hubby, he just knew what he wanted and knew what type of person would mesh best with his own strong personality. To him, life is too short to waste a bunch of time trying to force relationships to work. The logical approach may seem cold, but there's actually quite a bit of caring about others behind the decisions.His approach comes off very cold, but I can see past it & see that he's a decent person.
Well, it seems to me like he's leaving you all kinds of clues that he likes you and is thinking of you in a "serious relationship potential" sort of way. Be patient, if he's worth it to you. With us, there was a lot of tiptoeing around each other because neither one of us wanted to make the other feel trapped or scare them off. Finally, he left enough hints that he liked me that, for the first time ever in a relationship, I got assertive and pursued him a bit. I did it by honing in on what he liked and arranging for him to have them or to experience them. He got the message.We have this strong, powerful kinetic energy/chemistry, but we never talk about it. In the past, he said we were kindred spirits.
That. That right there is what you should talk about next time he says something about you guys maybe being married 10 years from now. If I were you, I think I'd say to him something like this: "You know, whether we're just friends all our lives or friends as marriage partners, I hope you're in my life somehow. I respect you and want to be there for you, no matter what." That opens up the topic in a way where you guys may just get into the conversation of where the relationship is going and what he has in mind. And, before you are placed in that situation, be thinking about what you want out of the relationship. How do you want him in your life? Why? What would it be like to be with him, long-term?What does he want? I would love to just be apart of his life no matter what. He's a unique person who I respect & feel a certain level of connection with.
Keep this in mind, though. Hubby came across a lot of girls who thought they could see into him....see past his "coldness" and "see the decent person inside." Come to find out, he was more reserved and "cold" than they realized. In the end, they felt they couldn't "melt him" enough for their tastes. He was just too logic-oriented and unemotional for them. You may think you'll get him out of this, but don't go there. He'll know he is loved when there's a girl who accepts him for the way he is now. And, that write-up he showed me about a relationship being mature and stable enough to tolerate the partner having other friends...that's as much for the partner of an INTJ as it is for the INTJ's freedom. When intense emotion needs expressed, having other friends around on which to bounce those is healthy for the partner as well as easier on the INTJ. When the emotions are talked out and at a calmer level after getting them out another way, that's when a productive talk with the INTJ will work best. At least in my experience. That's not a bad thing. Just the way it is.
To hubby, the whole "soulmate" concept is a pretty nebulous, emotional thing. But, he can really relate to the mindmate concept, and we've got that going strong. It's all terminology/semantics. Whatever it is called, you're saying there's a connection there. Here again, if there's a difference between the two to you, take some time to think about what you want in a relationship. How far do you want a connection to go and on what levels? Would that level be reached in a relationship with him?I asked him one time what he thought about the idea of soulmates & he just came at me sideways. I wasn't saying he was my soulmate or anything along those lines. I was totally turnoff by his response & just tried to forget about him.
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time people thought hubby was arrogant or completely without emotion or regard for other people.... His T is very high. So is mine, though. I also get accused of being arrogant and, at times, uncaring.He's the least emotional person I have ever met. He has a very high T. I been questioning whether the problem is his high T or possibly him being a narcissist?
The relationship between hubby and I was kind of weird at first. A lot more serious and awkward than it is now. Once he figured out he could tease me without losing me or my thinking him "mean" and, to his glee, could tease right back and "lawyer-talk" him into the corners and traps he had originally set for me, the relationship really blossomed. The mind-mate thing. As time passed, it morphed into a soul-mate thing in his mind where he actually brought it up as a possibility between us. (smirk) Keep in mind that this is after 2 years of dating and then almost 10 years of marriage. He's slow, but adorable, God love him. (grin) The little critters are so cute in this. ((hugging him in my mind and soon to go hug him for real))Maybe I'm being a dingbat about it, but I can sense he's more than what he's showing. If there's any vulnerable talk going on, it's him bringing it up....not me. I feel uncomfortable asking him. He might accuse me of being too "emotional". I can accept & partake in mental games, but sometimes I just want to say what I want without getting the third degree. I am just thinking about just giving up on the idea of any connection with him.
We've had our rough moments, for sure. I'll not romanticize it to you. Be sure of what you yourself want, then take some patient action.
So, tell him that. If you're scared to tell him that, in whatever form, then perhaps you are wanting this to work on a dating level more than you let yourself believe. If you, as a friend, wouldn't be scared to tell a female friend what you just wrote here, then that really says to me that this has gone beyond "just friendship" in your mind. If so, slow down a bit and make sure he knows you're his friend and want to be there for him no matter what the future holds. When you can truly settle with the idea that all you may ever be is just friends, then it can maybe go in a deeper direction later.This is going to sound so ENFP of me, but I just care for him as a person & would be there for him even if there is no personal relationship between us.
If it were me, I think I'd date other people, if I wanted to. And, like he is a friend, talk about them to him, if I wanted to...without being cruel or trying to make him jealous. I never played those mind games, and I think hubby respected that about me. At one point, we were dating other people and just friends with each other. We'd talk about those other people, like we were friends of the same sex. Eventually, we stopped dating other people and thinking about other people because we were drawn so much to each other. If he wants your relationship to be something more, then he'll probably let you know before you "get away."Oh btw, I remember he called me out of the blue to see if I forgot about him, to see if I was involved with someone. Psh.
P.S. -- As pippi brought out, not all INTJs are alike. The one you know may not be like my hubby much at all.