[INTJ] INTJs & Affection

[soleil]

Quick, hide it. Actually, I was joking with her.

 

[runvardh]

Quick, hide it. Actually, I was joking with her.

Hahahaha! Actually, the placement of the post was timing only. I was saying sorry in general out of NFness. BTW, have you done it yet? If not I'm sure it would make her all kinds of happy if you did it 02/14.

 

[01011010]

Hahahaha! Actually, the placement of the post was timing only. I was saying sorry in general out of NFness. BTW, have you done it yet? If not I'm sure it would make her all kinds of happy if you did it 02/14.

Actually, would that be classified under affection. I will keep your suggestion in mind.

 

[runvardh]

Actually, would that be classified under affection? I have yet to do it. lol I will keep your suggestion in mind.

The actual act itself is what it is. However, the fact that you thought about it and put the research in (kind of ); as long as you actually do it and it's for the one you love, that is a form of showing affection.

 

[01011010]

The actual act itself is what it is. However, the fact that you thought about it and put the research in (kind of ); as long as you actually do it and it's for the one you love, that is a form of showing affection.

Go me. Thanks, Kitty.

 

[soleil]

I would like some feedback from the guys. Thanks.

 

[runvardh]

There is this guy I was seeing/talking to (long distance) for about 3 years. We still talk here & there. He lives in Canada & I live in the states. He comes around my parts maybe twice a year, but he keeps in touch by phone (he does most of the calling btw). He has a fear of commitment & likes his own space, but makes little comments like "Maybe we'll be married 10 years from now" & "Just because I don't call often doesn't mean I don't think of you", etc.. I just ignore it & not take it seriously. When we are around each other, he stares into my eyes a lot & gets a little territorial when we are outside saying I'm his girlfriend & bringing me around people he knows. I usually just laugh & keep it moving. He has told me he has cut people out of his life particularly females very quickly. His approach comes off very cold, but I can see past it & see that he's a decent person. He has called just to ask how I'm doing, what I'm reading, etc. etc. It's just a weird thing because I never met an INTJ guy before & it's so different from other interactions I've had or have now. I must admit because of him I learned to keep my distance from people more than I already was. We have this strong, powerful kinetic energy/chemistry, but we never talk about it. In the past, he said we were kindred spirits. According to him, I'm too introverted & need to put myself out there more, HA! coming from an INTJ to an ENFP. I really don't know exactly what I'm trying to get out of this topic...so, I guess my question would be, what the heck is this? I have never been in this predicament before. What does he want? I would love to just be apart of his life no matter what. He's a unique person who I respect & feel a certain level of connection with.

- makes the time and effort to contact you of own volition
- makes the effort to spend time with you
- admissions of what's going inside

You're blowing/shrugging off the very things he's doing that show his affection.

 

[ed111]

He jokes around being very sarcastic so, I just play right back. It's all mental games! I read somewhere from an INTJ that they will flirt with everyone (including their friends or other women), but not the person they are "interested" in. Is this a common thing INTJ's do? Just wondering.

I hadn't realised it but now I reflect on it, I suppose I do goof around with almost everyone that I'm friends with, but if I'm really attracted to someone and don't know them that well, I tend to be a bit more serious and keep an emotional distance (I suppose this is so I don't get hurt). I deal with them almost as if they're a complete stranger to me. Once I know them and I've broken down a few barriers I'll try to crack a few jokes but I'll also be trying to engage them in serious conversation, probing their interests etc.

As for what the guy wants, it seems like he's really into you. I think you have to give him an ultimatum and hopefully that will motivate him.

 

[Litvyak]

What does he want?

I may not be an INTJ (still unsure about it), but let me tell you what I think: you should simply ask him about his intentions. The next time he's joking around about you being his girlfriend, you should look into his eyes and ask something like this: "Is that so? Tell me, what do you want from me?" Don't let him escape with sarcastic remarks, repeat the question if necessary. If he really is INTJ, I'm pretty sure he'll understand. Then you'll know how to deal with him and the relationship.

About the other part: yes, these are mental games. I'm sarcastic with nearly everybody around me, I'm constantly pointing out their mistakes, and I'm not sparing myself either. However - if I'm interested in someone, I'm serious, kind and sincere with them.

 

[soleil]

- makes the time and effort to contact you of own volition
- makes the effort to spend time with you
- admissions of what's going inside

You're blowing/shrugging off the very things he's doing that show his affection.

I guess I try not to jump the gun & make it more than it is. I have issues with approaching people so, I just wait until they are more specific about what they are trying to say or do.

 

[soleil]

I may not be an INTJ (still unsure about it), but let me tell you what I think: you should simply ask him about his intentions. The next time he's joking around about you being his girlfriend, you should look into his eyes and ask something like this: "Is that so? Tell me, what do you want from me?" Don't let him escape with sarcastic remarks, repeat the question if necessary. If he really is INTJ, I'm pretty sure he'll understand. Then you'll know how to deal with him and the relationship.

About the other part: yes, these are mental games. I'm sarcastic with nearly everybody around me, I'm constantly pointing out their mistakes, and I'm not sparing myself either. However - if I'm interested in someone, I'm serious, kind and sincere with them.

He gets super defensive if you question him or ask him anything that would seem vulnerable. I asked him one time if he missed talking to me (I was being semi-playful) & he responds with some sarcastic remark... "If I didn't, I wouldn't of called you". I'm sure other INTJ's are more receptive, but he's a really stubborn, hard headed motherfucker. I asked him one time what he thought about the idea of soulmates & he just came at me sideways. I wasn't saying he was my soulmate or anything along those lines. I was totally turnoff by his response & just tried to forget about him. He then calls & tells me he wants to know what I'm doing, what I'm up to? . He's the least emotional person I have ever met. He has a very high T. I been questioning whether the problem is his high T or possibly him being a narcissist? Maybe I'm being a dingbat about it, but I can sense he's more than what he's showing. If there's any vulnerable talk going on, it's him bringing it up....not me. I feel uncomfortable asking him. He might accuse me of being too "emotional". I can accept & partake in mental games, but sometimes I just want to say what I want without getting the third degree. I am just thinking about just giving up on the idea of any connection with him.

 

[Metamorphosis]

I'm sure other INTJ's are more receptive, but he's a really stubborn, hard headed motherfucker.

That might be overly optimistic .

He's the least emotional person I have ever met. He has a very high T. I been questioning whether the problem is his high T or possibly him being a narcissist?

I think it's normally a mistake when people say an INTJ is the most T person they've ever met, because that probably means they've never met an INTP. Our F just isn't on display. I can see most of us coming off as narcissistic, though, whether we are or are not.

and think about this...sarcasm is the safest form of humor, that's why social retards use it (myself included )...if no one laughs, it doesn't matter because it was sarcasm, but if they do, all the better...if they get offended, all we'd have to do is apologize

My point being, sarcasm isn't an indicator of narcissism. Quite the opposite, actually.

 

[squibbles]

-I make more of an effort to communicate with them outside of when I normally would see them (classes/church/etc). This usually involves talking over the phone or AIM, both of which I hate, but am willing to do in these circumstances.
-I'm a Christian/waiting for marriage so the physical aspect barely comes into play for me, but I'll sit closer to someone or face them primarily in group settings.
-I usually speak my mind about things but I'll get shy around that person's area of expertise/passion for fear of saying something about it that they consider dumb. (not really affection, but a clue about my feelings)
-I don't think this is type-related--I get happier/more talkative when they are around.
-If it's a harmless crush, depending on the person (if they like it/do it to me) I'll tease them. If I really like them, I have to remind myself to loosen up to do it, and I usually don't.
-I try to be helpful to most people, but definitely more so if it's with someone I like. I especially like it if I'm able to help them with something I'm good at.

Edit: I'm a girl, if that makes a difference.

 

[soleil]

I hadn't realised it but now I reflect on it, I suppose I do goof around with almost everyone that I'm friends with, but if I'm really attracted to someone and don't know them that well, I tend to be a bit more serious and keep an emotional distance (I suppose this is so I don't get hurt). I deal with them almost as if they're a complete stranger to me. Once I know them and I've broken down a few barriers I'll try to crack a few jokes but I'll also be trying to engage them in serious conversation, probing their interests etc.

As for what the guy wants, it seems like he's really into you. I think you have to give him an ultimatum and hopefully that will motivate him.

Ed,

I noticed he goes out of his way to tell me how many girls hit on him, how so and so looks good, blah blah blah. I have this feeling he's trying to make me jealous. It just makes me chuckle actually. I don't want to be one of those women who give men ultimatums. It's just not my steez. If he wants to try to keep a friendship or whatever going, I wish he would just go for it. I am not expecting anything (not really), but I do want him in my life. We have a connection/chemistry like I never had before, but it's getting really annoying. This is going to sound so ENFP of me, but I just care for him as a person & would be there for him even if there is no personal relationship between us.

Oh btw, I remember he called me out of the blue to see if I forgot about him, to see if I was involved with someone. Psh.

 

[soleil]

That might be overly optimistic .



I think it's normally a mistake when people say an INTJ is the most T person they've ever met, because that probably means they've never met an INTP. Our F just isn't on display. I can see most of us coming off as narcissistic, though, whether we are or are not.

and think about this...sarcasm is the safest form of humor, that's why social retards use it (myself included )...if no one laughs, it doesn't matter because it was sarcasm, but if they do, all the better...if they get offended, all we'd have to do is apologize

My point being, sarcasm isn't an indicator of narcissism. Quite the opposite, actually.

You are right. I was just trying to throw some ideas out there. . I do love me some sarcasm so, that isn't the issue.

 

[Litvyak]

Well then, you should first decide what do you actually want. If he's not worth the effort, cut connection. If you don't want to lose him, don't bother being 'semi-playful' and don't care about feeling uncomfortable or being 'too emotional'. Try to be a little aggressive and direct with him - tell him that you really want to know what's going on and that he may be more important to you than you have imagined. Ask him about his feelings, and if his answer is sarcastic, simply tell him to stop it. If he's still acting like a douchebag, accept it and move on.

(Feel free to do as you please, I want to help you, though I may not be the most capable NTJ for the job. Love ENFPs... )

 

[soleil]

Well then, you should first decide what do you actually want. If he's not worth the effort, cut connection. If you don't want to lose him, don't bother being 'semi-playful' and don't care about feeling uncomfortable or being 'too emotional'. Try to be a little aggressive and direct with him - tell him that you really want to know what's going on and that he may be more important to you than you have imagined. Ask him about his feelings, and if his answer is sarcastic, simply tell him to stop it. If he's still acting like a douchebag, accept it and move on.

(Feel free to do as you please, I want to help you, though I may not be the most capable NTJ for the job. Love ENFPs... )

Thanks! That's fantastic advice. You are on point with everything you said. .

A bit off topic, but why do you love ENFP's?

 

[Litvyak]

They're playful, intelligent, sensitive, both strong and kind. They energize me, and I often get the feeling they possess some kind of secret ability I'll never have. They're fun and interesting, how can I not love them?

My last gf was most propably an ENFP. She was passionate and impulsive, but I always felt she's my safe haven in all my 'battles'.

 

[pippi]

He jokes around being very sarcastic so, I just play right back. It's all mental games! I read somewhere from an INTJ that they will flirt with everyone (including their friends or other women), but not the person they are "interested" in. Is this a common thing INTJ's do? Just wondering.

INTJs flirt?

Some of us do. I flirt with people I like, always have, it is mental playfulness as mentioned by others in this thread. But I'm direct and blunt, not all INTJs are like this. As binary numbers said earlier we do tend to be forthright so I doubt an INTJ would flirt with people they didn't like and shy away from the one they did, they just wouldn't flirt with anyone.

If an INTJ is making any effort to stay in touch with you then he likes you a lot soleil.

 

[soleil]

They're playful, intelligent, sensitive, both strong and kind. They energize me, and I often get the feeling they possess some kind of secret ability I'll never have. They're fun and interesting, how can I not love them?

My last gf was most propably an ENFP. She was passionate and impulsive, but I always felt she's my safe haven in all my 'battles'.

. That sounds so sweet! Hehe, I was feeling pretty crabby, but it still made me smile a bit.