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  1. #21
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Like others have said, if I don't like you, I probably won't waste my energy bantering with you, and probably wouldn't care enough to try to come up with a way to make you look/feel stupid. I just disconnect and try to excuse myself.

    Every once in a while, someone rubs me the wrong way--maybe they're being obnoxious, or hurtful themselves, or just ignorant. In those cases, I might say something that would poke holes in their argument, to let them know they're not fooling me. But I never, and I mean NEVER, make intentionally hurtful comments. I never make a comment with the intent of hurting or harming a person's self-esteem. That's just spiteful, immature behavior.
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  2. #22
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    Harmless banter vs seriously speaking your mind ?

    I'm shamelessly the latter, because both my philosophy studies and my time in the Marines demand that I hold integrity, intellectual and personal alike, to the highest regard. People hate me for it, but that's my burden

    But I also use sarcasm a lot.... it can be hard to tell at times I suppose

  3. #23
    Senior Member Kora's Avatar
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    I'm too distant for getting involved in 'banters', actually, I always come as cold and aloof. When I dislike someone, I just avoid talking with that person. But I try to do it in a elegant way, because that kind of conflict is tedious and boring. It's not like I want to waste my time in that person. Gratuitous arguing is pointless.
    Though, if someone really pisses me off, I counter with cynism and disdain. But it's very different of my playful jokes. It's my way of showing that that person has crossed the line.Also, sometimes I hid my real (and offensive) thoughts in a joke. I can enjoy making fun of someone I specially dislike in a discrete way.

    As many, I actually banter with closer people. I can try to piss off some of my friends just for fun, but I never intend to harm them. Though, my sense of humor can be very black and cruel, and sometimes I try to push the limits. I usually know what I'm saying and what effect is going to have in others. But I'd nevery try to harm my dear ones, and I know when to apologize (even if I can't see what I did wrong actually).

    In the end, if you have doubts, just check what kind of relationship you have with the NT. Most of the times they can be actually trying to 'tickle' you, but it's because that kind of mind games are appealing to us. If they're snarky, snark them back.
    Just don't become their 'toy', and show them where's the limit if you don't like something.
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  4. #24
    Senior Member Grayscale's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    What are the telltale signs that we shouldn't take it serious, and when do you actually mean it?
    what difference does it make... is it only when they do mean it that it hurts your feelings? wouldnt that mean you are affording them power over your emotions?

  5. #25
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grayscale View Post
    what difference does it make... is it only when they do mean it that it hurts your feelings? wouldnt that mean you are affording them power over your emotions?
    Thanks for replying everyone. Actually there's two reasons for this thread. I seek understanding, and through understanding I actually seek to stop giving them that power I'm hoping that understanding it will end my confusion as for me I often do not know how to react. Should I laugh? Be offended? Give them a piece of my mind? Or is it all a big misunderstanding?

    So the best tactic is to just return the favor in equal intensity? You prefer
    someone showing you that you best not step over their boundaries? Is that how T's get to know each other? Or do you sometimes also end up ending each others feelings? And what about when people tell you that you hurt them? Is that a good tactic or do you lose your patience/respect for them?
    Last edited by Amargith; 12-10-2008 at 06:38 AM.
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  6. #26
    Senior Member Grayscale's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Thanks for replying everyone. Actually there's two reasons for this thread. I seek understanding, and through understanding I actually seek to stop giving them that power I'm hoping that understanding it will end my confusion as for me I often do not know how to react. Should I laugh? Be offended? Give them a piece of my mind? Or is it all a big misunderstanding?
    we are very associative... to understand this, you have to unravel the associations that lead to your emotional response.

    if they meant it, then either they are being hurtful on purpose because they dislike you or they just plain dislike you and are expressing that. the fact that you respond differently based on how the person intended it seems to suggest that you project a value on what they think of you. this value is what gives them power over your emotions... because they have something that you think you need, and when they say something and you lose that value, you feel hurt.

    when someone says that, try to see it for what it is... they dislike you, but that isn't a bad thing... it is just reality. perhaps you'd like to change their opinion of you, but feeling hurt won't help that. your emotional energy is better spent elsewhere--perhaps appreciating those who's opinion does and should matter to you.

    if you need something to think about, try to figure out why you give away your sense of what is important instead of "investing" it. there is no "right" way to react, and it is not about how you react that matters, but why.

  7. #27
    Senior Member kuranes's Avatar
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    Certain kinds of people use the "I was just joking. Didn't you get that ?" as a convenient back door, regardless if they actually were joking originally.
    "The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them that they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
    Reichsfuhrer Herman Goering at the Nuremburg trials.

  8. #28
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Sometimes it's both. I think quite often T's (definitely it's a normal male thing and the majority, etc...), being not generally given to value judgement, point things out, bring things out into the open, that they've observed about their friend or whatever, but the reason it's done in "banter mode" is a sort of subconscious way of saying, yeah, I notice you do this and it does make you a bit of a prick, but we can just laugh about it, it's no big deal, it doesn't stop us being pals and I don't dislike you for it.

    It can cause problems when we do it with F's or people who are used to dealing with F's, and they assume there's a personal thing in there somewhere, that the impersonal critique that's implied in the joke is meant as a personal value judgement - you do a thing that's unwise, that's bad, that makes you a bad person, therefore I don't like you.

    But those sorts of judgements aren't generally what T's are all about... it's more a "logic judgement" or "utility judgement", as much as to say if you carry on that way pal, it's gonna end in tears sooner or later - or, if you do stuff like that then it won't help further your objectives. That's why it's generally done in a light hearted way, because there isn't any animosity or judgement in it even when it is actual real criticism, usually.
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  9. #29
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    ^ Congrats, Kuranes!
    You've officially reached the point where your sig is longer than your posts.

    EDIT
    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    It can cause problems when we do it with F's or people who are used to dealing with F's, and they assume there's a personal thing in there somewhere, that the impersonal critique that's implied in the joke is meant as a personal value judgement - you do a thing that's unwise, that's bad, that makes you a bad person, therefore I don't like you.
    That is effing annoying! I hate Fs!
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  10. #30
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Thanks for replying everyone. Actually there's two reasons for this thread. I seek understanding, and through understanding I actually seek to stop giving them that power I'm hoping that understanding it will end my confusion as for me I often do not know how to react. Should I laugh? Be offended? Give them a piece of my mind? Or is it all a big misunderstanding?

    So the best tactic is to just return the favor in equal intensity? You preferS
    someone showing you that you best not step over their boundaries? Is that how T's get to know each other? Or do you sometimes also end up ending each others feelings? And what about when people tell you that you hurt them? Is that a good tactic or do you lose your patience/respect for them?
    You react however you feel you should. If you're offended... say so. If what's said was meant to be a joke, I'll let you know right a way. I guess there's just no textbook method for reading people's intent. As you said, overtime you'll figure the person out... but really, you're better off responding however you feel like and let both parties adjust to each other's conversational style then to try bending over backwards accommodating somebody else.

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