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  1. #1
    Senior Member bronte's Avatar
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    Default infp seeks help from entps!

    I'm just about to start working on a project with an entp - I worked with him on somthing similar last year - I really admire his brain and his passion for his subject but I find working with him very intimidating because he is so loud and his jokes are often really innappropriate - to my face he is often very derogatory and continually takes the piss -but then tells others that he enjoys working with me.
    I'd love some tips on how to manage this relationship - I do like him and we have the same views on so many things but a very different way of achiving things and being with people which I'm sure is frustrating for him too
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
    Maya Angelou

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by bronte View Post
    I'm just about to start working on a project with an entp - I worked with him on somthing similar last year - I really admire his brain and his passion for his subject but I find working with him very intimidating because he is so loud and his jokes are often really innappropriate - to my face he is often very derogatory and continually takes the piss -but then tells others that he enjoys working with me.
    I'd love some tips on how to manage this relationship - I do like him and we have the same views on so many things but a very different way of achiving things and being with people which I'm sure is frustrating for him too

    I'm a weak "I" so perhaps I can shed some insight(?). But to cut to the chase, if he tells others he enjoys working with you, he enjoys working with you. There is no sense, at least to a healthy NT, in weaving an elaborate web of lies; it's simply unproductive.

    As for "taking the piss", he is either just joking around (thinks you're an equal), or likes you to a certain extent (i'm assuming from your handle, the angelou quote, and your writing style that you're female... apologies otherwise ). Either way, just have fun with it. Sarcasm, play argument, and light hearted mockery should be fun, not topics to drive you crazy.

  3. #3
    Broud Balestinian G-Virus's Avatar
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    They joke around way too much but it is all light hearted. They are tone deaf, but never mean to talk you down (unless you piss them off). If they say they enjoy working with they certainly do.

    They love to screw around . . . so so so much. If you want to have fun with him, then up the sarcasm and whoop him at his own Ne game by being just as quick.
    Seek freedom and become captive of your desires, seek discipline and find your liberty.

    "If you go looking for something in particular, your chances of finding it are very bad, because of all the things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. If you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good, because of all the things in the world, you're sure to find some of them."

  4. #4
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Prepare something to say when he crosses the line, but also prepare something to lighten the situation and show him that he doesn't have to be guarded from that point on. Something reassuring, funny, and genuine.

  5. #5
    Broud Balestinian G-Virus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    Prepare something to say when he crosses the line, but also prepare something to lighten the situation and show him that he doesn't have to be guarded from that point on. Something reassuring, funny, and genuine.
    better yet, prepare som jokes and put downs.
    Seek freedom and become captive of your desires, seek discipline and find your liberty.

    "If you go looking for something in particular, your chances of finding it are very bad, because of all the things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. If you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good, because of all the things in the world, you're sure to find some of them."

  6. #6
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by G-Virus View Post
    better yet, prepare som jokes and put downs.
    Actually, yes. You're right.

  7. #7
    Reason vs Being ragashree's Avatar
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    The contributions so far seem to be suggesting essentially that the ENTP should continue doing pretty much as he damm well likes, and bronte is just going to have to change her way of dealing with it. The only snag here, guys, is that it is a lot easier to alter one's outward behaviour (i.e. maybe learn some better manners) than completely restructure one's personality and type orientation, which is what a Fi dominant type like bronte would probably need to do were she to take this as lightly as you suggest and simply return like for like. It would take a very confident INFP with good extraversion skills to do this, and even then she would be vulnerable to being caught off guard and distracted and pressurised by having to deal with it at a moment's notice.

    Even if she was able to deal with this sort of treatment in the way you suggest, and do so effectively, it would be natural enough for him to think that she actually enjoys playing his game (I think she has already made clear that she did not) which is only likely to encourage him to play it more, which would simply up the stakes and the pressure on her. There is also the problem that dominant Fi types do not like to upset or offend other people and are quite likely to actually be more hurt themselves and remember it for longer than the person on the recieving end should they inadvertantly (or with Fi self-critical hindsight even intentionally) press the wrong button. And I am sorry to say this, but NT types can be upset by barbed comments too. It's just that they don't tend to worry so much about upstting other people.

    However, bronte, I wonder what your part in this is. I don't get the impression of you being very pro-active about it so far (though I could be wrong). Did you actually SAY anything to him about it. Directly? If you are seething or hurting inside but don't let anything show he is not likely to work it out for himself. If you want anything to change I really do think the best option is to be straightforward and direct with him and tell him what the problem is and when it is occuring, and that although you like him as a person you feel uncomfortable being around him when he says and does X, Y, and Z. If he really does like you and respect you I would hope he can be mature enough to at least try to work on his behaviour. If he's just looking for someone to bully and act as a passive target for his remarks, however, you might want to be a little more judgemental than is your wont as an INFP and consider that you are entitled to respect yourself, and are not obliged to be nice to anyone who is not prepared to give you it.

    One other point: INFP's because of their reserve and definiteness about their own opinions can come across as somewhat inscrutable, and a little superior to others, even when they are not intending to be anything of the sort. You might want to consider that the derogatory comments could be a sort of subconscsious compensation if he is feeling intimidated by you. But I still think you have the right to expect a certain standard of respect.

  8. #8
    Reigning Bologna Princess Rajah's Avatar
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    Could you give some examples of what this ENTP is doing?


    I... suppose. Yeah!

  9. #9
    Reason vs Being ragashree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rajah View Post
    Could you give some examples of what this ENTP is doing?
    Good point actually; I forgot to include that in my post

    The possiblity that bronte's reactions are disproportionate should also be considered; though being an INFP she has probably been beating herself up about this already...

  10. #10
    Senior Member GinKuusouka's Avatar
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    I am certainly not the type that was sought out to respond, not by the OP at least. However, perhaps it couldn't hurt to try at least.

    Just be who you are bronte. Sometimes that alone can seem like the most difficult thing in the universe. To me, this- as with anything- would require balance. What are you willing to compromise? What about yourself are you going to stand firm upon? As much as I know I would like to change myself to see someone that I like be happy, I cannot change the core of who I am. So I understand that there are some things that I have to keep for myself. Other things can be tweaked, per se, for another person. And please, I mean no offense whatsoever by what I type. I believe though that if he is as interested in you in return- if you truly are that interested in him- then he will be willing to meet you halfway, if this is what you wish to do. When all is said and done however, this is only my opinion.

    Now I wonder if any of that made sense...
    I have no idea who I am. All I can say is let's rock hard.

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