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  1. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    On another note, it sometimes seems like the INTPs I have met (and I have only met about two in real life), deliberately intend not to like me because they think everyone else does. I should not be able to get away with being liked so quickly and they will not like me just because it seems to be a theme. Not saying they are jealous, but it's almost like... it should be earned beyond sincere friendliness. And, I don't mind this. Probably why there is somewhat of a draw for me. It's different and challenging. They don't just dish out affection like the others.

    Of course, I could be completely off target, but it does seem that way at times.
    It would probably be recognition that they aren't being singled out for attention. If the INTP realizes that you're universally friendly, they will be nonplussed by said friendliness, unless they have some other reason to be impressed with you.

  2. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    I think people believe that I am the opposite of this, but that is because they don't actually know who I am. It appears that I am trusting of most people, but in reality very few people know the actual me -- like INTP, I don't count on people until I know they can be trusted either. And, as it has been said, it seems I have more real friends than I do.
    Just looking again at this, makes me wonder... so you consider yourself wrongly judged by those who think of you as untrustworthy, and yet you admit that there are aspects of your behaviour that can mislead others into making that judgement... in light of this, do you think that perhaps your criteria for judging whether others can be trusted might need some revision?

    I just say that because... "reject first" doesn't seem too great a strategy for making "real friends", so I'm wondering whether you're actually rejecting people who can be trusted, on a regular basis...

    edit - the same can be said of a lot of people actually, I can turn that on its head and say I often find INTP's difficult to trust simply because they won't trust me, not even a basic 'interim' trust if you know what I mean, benefit of the doubt kinda thing. I tend to conclude that since we so often misread each other and since objective evidence seems to favour the idea that most people are basically good, at least in intention, the best solution is to just give everyone the benefit of the doubt and trust them, then as you get to know them, make the odd mental note of their weak areas, those areas they're less competent or perhaps less disciplined in, so you're not distrusting their motives but just doubting their competence at carrying out their good intentions lol It doesn't have to stop there, though, cos you can always help them to increase their competence...
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  3. #73
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    I just say that because... "reject first" doesn't seem too great a strategy for making "real friends", so I'm wondering whether you're actually rejecting people who can be trusted, on a regular basis...
    Probably.

  4. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    On second thought, maybe it is situational (fickle!). I wish there was a more relational word for it though. I was talking to a scientist Saturday night at a party... I think he was an INTJ... anyway, he was really interesting to me, but I wasn't hoping to build a long term relationship with him. I was happy to talk to him for hours, but when the party ended, I wasn't hoping to carry it forward. I think this surprised him when he asked for my number and I said, "no." A reasonable example of situational, I guess.
    That's interesting.

    I don't know if that's ENFP or just extroversion at work.

    I learned a long time ago as an introvert that I could not trust extroverts in general to respond as I would. They would engage in ways that to ME expressed a great deal of interest but to them meant little. Look at it from an introvert's POV: Why on earth would we want to invest HOURS in a conversation with someone if we weren't interested in continuing the relationship on some level? It takes a lot of energy to invest like that. I know I only go that long if I like the person and want to stay in touch; anyone else, I'd soon withdraw.

    So I quickly learned that extroverts spending a lot of time with me meant nothings in terms of commitment or wanting to spend MORE time together. I no longer assume that, I keep a close guard on my heart that way to avoid over-extending myself now.


    I'm not sure this is me being fickle though because I do not understand why they would assume my feelings were permanent in the first place. My interest in them is completely genuine, but I don't like feeling like I owe anything.
    Probably at least for introverts because they wouldn't have invested if they hadn't been reading you as genuinely interested in them. The thought of investing so much in a connection without any intention of continuing at some level seems ridiculous; it's a waste of energy and there's no commitment.

    And I won't even start with the gender influences where men and women interact and what expectations get dragged in then.
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  5. #75
    Senior Member zago's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    Is this a common trend for INTPs?

    Yesterday, my roommate (INTP) told me that he thinks he has intimacy issues, but he does not know why. It seemed almost ESFP of him -- in that, he said he always wants it to be "fun." He has never been in a long term relationship and does not really seem to want one. I kept thinking of how that is sort of not even "real," (that is, the jumping from date to date -- fun experience to fun experience) but I couldn't put what I was thinking into words. I can somewhat relate because I am frequently bored also, but when it comes down to it, I know that I really would prefer the security of a consistent relationship than a thousand brief flings.

    Do other INTPs experience this also? Is it a fear of intimacy or is it something else? Please teach me your ways.
    I don't have a fear of intimacy, I just express it in a backwards way. If I like someone, I'll act like I hate them but in a way such that they know I am actually quite comfortable and happy. If I am gushing with a lot of "I love yous" and agreeing with someone a lot, it means something is probably either wrong or going to be wrong.

  6. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    That's interesting.

    I don't know if that's ENFP or just extroversion at work.

    I learned a long time ago as an introvert that I could not trust extroverts in general to respond as I would. They would engage in ways that to ME expressed a great deal of interest but to them meant little. Look at it from an introvert's POV: Why on earth would we want to invest HOURS in a conversation with someone if we weren't interested in continuing the relationship on some level? It takes a lot of energy to invest like that. I know I only go that long if I like the person and want to stay in touch; anyone else, I'd soon withdraw.

    So I quickly learned that extroverts spending a lot of time with me meant nothings in terms of commitment or wanting to spend MORE time together. I no longer assume that, I keep a close guard on my heart that way to avoid over-extending myself now.

    Probably at least for introverts because they wouldn't have invested if they hadn't been reading you as genuinely interested in them. The thought of investing so much in a connection without any intention of continuing at some level seems ridiculous; it's a waste of energy and there's no commitment.

    And I won't even start with the gender influences where men and women interact and what expectations get dragged in then.
    This is all true. If I have no interest in getting to know a person past the point of initial conversation, then I cease to actually converse with this person or actively engage with them at any level. At parties/social gatherings of more than four or five people, this can make you look like a bit of a weirdo.
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  7. #77
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    This is all true. If I have no interest in getting to know a person past the point of initial conversation, then I cease to actually converse with this person or actively engage with them at any level. At parties/social gatherings of more than four or five people, this can make you look like a bit of a weirdo.
    And it's the worst when the person you are trying to move past is a major extrovert. "Why do you hate me?!"...I've been asked this a few times. Unfortunately with extroverted girls it seems to only make them more interested.

  8. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    And it's the worst when the person you are trying to move past is a major extrovert. "Why do you hate me?!"...I've been asked this a few times. Unfortunately with extroverted girls it seems to only make them more interested.
    That's true it seems, but if you tell them "I don't want to talk to you." they respect you enough to just stare at you instead of babbling. Haha.

  9. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    This is all true. If I have no interest in getting to know a person past the point of initial conversation, then I cease to actually converse with this person or actively engage with them at any level. At parties/social gatherings of more than four or five people, this can make you look like a bit of a weirdo.
    I don't totally cease to behave in a civil or polite manner, but I do distance myself and limit things to polite and civil, hold the warmth. I'm very extraverted, but I'm not a Feeler and I don't connect to people easily. I'm with you guys all the way when it comes to not wanting to invest unless I'm gonna get a return. I might have more energy for people generally, but emotional expression and reaching out to connect with people takes just as much energy for me, I reckon...

    Like I say I stay civil and even friendly, but there's a definitely observable difference between the 'arms length' that I hold some people at and the 'free pass to the inside: layer one' I'm giving others...
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  10. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    That's true it seems, but if you tell them "I don't want to talk to you." they respect you enough to just stare at you instead of babbling. Haha.
    You really tell people "I don't want to talk to you" in those words?
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