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[NT] INTP Fear of Intimacy

Jack Flak

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You really tell people "I don't want to talk to you" in those words?
I would imagine so, but I don't have photographic memory. Someone I'm actually friends with now (ENFP) was doing her probing thing, and I wasn't having it, and said something like "I don't care if you like me, it's none of my concern."
 

INA

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That's not as bad.
*Puts garland back into the box*
 

Orangey

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And it's the worst when the person you are trying to move past is a major extrovert. "Why do you hate me?!"...I've been asked this a few times. Unfortunately with extroverted girls it seems to only make them more interested.

I don't know about extroverted girls, but I've definitely had people tell me later on that they thought I hated them because I didn't engage with them at some social function or other. In reality I probably hadn't thought twice about that person, either positively or negatively. It's funny because if I thought the way that they do, then I'd probably have to assume that the majority of people I run across actively dislike me.
 

INA

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I don't know about extroverted girls, but I've definitely had people tell me later on that they thought I hated them because I didn't engage with them at some social function or other. In reality I probably hadn't thought twice about that person, either positively or negatively.
Ditto.
 

Tallulah

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I would imagine so, but I don't have photographic memory. Someone I'm actually friends with now (ENFP) was doing her probing thing, and I wasn't having it, and said something like "I don't care if you like me, it's none of my concern."

Oh, to be a guy in a case like that. If you're a girl and say that, a social WWIII starts.
 

Rachelinpa

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I would imagine so, but I don't have photographic memory. Someone I'm actually friends with now (ENFP) was doing her probing thing, and I wasn't having it, and said something like "I don't care if you like me, it's none of my concern."

I've definitely heard that one before!
 

Rachelinpa

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Hahaha, well, there is something to that. I think we're a little mistrustful of those who seem like they've always been able to waltz through life on the merits of their charms. I tend to like ENFPs, though.

My problem isn't so much that an ENFP would talk to me for an hour and then walk away and that be the end of it. I have no problems chitchatting with someone on a superficial, fun level to pass the time, if it's someone that's easy to talk to. Not a fan of smalltalk in general, but there are definitely times where I'll strike up a conversation with someone, and I have no expectations of them for going forward.

What I cannot, and WILL not do, no matter who gets mad at me, is open up and share intimate, personal things, or things that I consider private, just because someone wants to be entertained for an hour or two. I will just not bite, because if I did, I would feel violated. Keep it at fluff-level, and we'll be fine. Otherwise, you'll have to be a real friend in order to know more.

I think it's good that the INTP tends to be cautious about this. ENFP can be insensitive with information received at times. However, I definitely like it better when information is disclosed a little bit at a time. I think it makes you a far more interesting person. And, I do feel "special" (for lack of a better word--"chosen" - haha), when the INTP is willing to open up or share with me. I treasure what they say far more than what other types tell me because it seems they cherish it as well. Every word is so carefully articulated and there are just so many more levels than what meets the eye. Intriguing!

You know, maybe I just have a hard time respecting someone who is so willing to share so much of themselves in a brief interaction or at a party-like scene (I know it looks like I do that--but I don't). It's not that my behavior does not seek to know--on the contrary, I definitely do! But, I think actually, I am fine with not knowing. I wouldn't force a person to share with me if they were not at a place where they wanted to. But, I'm also definitely not going to say, "Please do not share with me!" I feel like I am sensitive to knowing if someone is feeling pressured and I back off if I know they do not want to talk about something.

My INTP roommate does this thing where I will ask a question and he will just sort of stare off into space. It's not in the same hazy way my INFP friends do, but it is a way of skirting my questions. I actually pointed this out to him, which amused him because he didn't think he did it--but then, he caught himself and was like "Oh yeah, actually, you are right." Funny, funny.

Yeah, so, I mean, if you do not want to share, that is ok with me. I am realizing the amount of expectations that come along with information shared... and to the tell the truth, I'm not sure I am up for that much personal responsibility right away. It's better if the onion is peeled slowly.
 

Totenkindly

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Oh, to be a guy in a case like that. If you're a girl and say that, a social WWIII starts.

That's funny, I was talking to a guy friend in e-mail and he quoted me saying something similar ("I'm not responsible for your feelings or anyone else's") ... and that he had heard the same thing from another INTP woman as well as an ENFP member here.

I guess that sort of thing could be a rather large molotov cocktail, socially. :blush:

Oh well.

Explain (with translation first, pls).
F$%# off and die?

Hmm... what do ya think?
 

Rachelinpa

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So I quickly learned that extroverts spending a lot of time with me meant nothings in terms of commitment or wanting to spend MORE time together. I no longer assume that, I keep a close guard on my heart that way to avoid over-extending myself now.

Ugh. Yeah, this makes me so sad. It seems like this is how it must be though. This has been a source of contention between my long-term INTJ friend and me. It didn't really matter that I saw that she was more invested in the relationship than I was because I couldn't ever get my feelings to match hers. She would never want a pity relationship and I would never give it to her either. It's just that her expectations for our friendship were so incredibly high and it really freaked me out because mine were not. I know that she sometimes felt like I did not care about her. This killed me because it is not true. But honestly, I have to say, I think she definitely cared more intensely than I did. Partly because she is pickier about her friends (than me--who is often surrounded by many different people--although, not claiming them all to be close) and had allowed me in her world. It is a bigger deal and definitely more of an energy investment to get to that point.

Sensing her expectations made me feel controlled. It was a very frustrating situation for both of us and it was obviously a more painful situation for her than me. I don't really know what a good solution is, but probably what you said. You just have to assume that we will most likely never be up to par in the level of commitment and investment you desire (or as you said, we do not reciprocate in the same way). It's not that we do not care at all, but maybe not enough. And, I suppose we need to assume that your expectations for a relationship will automatically be higher than ours (partly) because of the (extra) emotional energy it takes to build one.
 

Totenkindly

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<good stuff>

...I suppose we need to assume that your expectations for a relationship will automatically be higher than ours (partly) because of the (extra) emotional energy it takes to build one.

Yes, I think it is really just being realistic enough to be aware of and accept the differences. It's definitely hard on both sides, but at least we can avoid disillusionment if we're aware of this.
 

proteanmix

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This has begun to freak me out in dealing with introverts. I don't want them to think I want to be their best friend because I have a four hour conversation with them, nor do I want to be the evil extrovert because I didn't seem to invest as much as them. Can't it be what it is and let it be at that?
 

Simplexity

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This has begun to freak me out in dealing with introverts. I don't want them to think I want to be their best friend because I have a four hour conversation with them, nor do I want to be the evil extrovert because I didn't seem to invest as much as them. Can't it be what it is and let it be at that?

The same can be said of Impersonal analysis and reclusiveness, and the ensuing frustration in dealing with extroverts and feelers.
 

Totenkindly

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This has begun to freak me out in dealing with introverts. I don't want them to think I want to be their best friend because I have a four hour conversation with them, nor do I want to be the evil extrovert because I didn't seem to invest as much as them.

I know.

Washington was beautiful... then you never called. :cry:

!@#&!*@#^* extroverted feelers!!!!



lmaosmiley.gif
 

Tallulah

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This has begun to freak me out in dealing with introverts. I don't want them to think I want to be their best friend because I have a four hour conversation with them, nor do I want to be the evil extrovert because I didn't seem to invest as much as them. Can't it be what it is and let it be at that?

As far as I'm concerned, it can be. I don't really have any expectations of an extravert because they spent time talking to me.

The same can be said of Impersonal analysis and reclusiveness, and the ensuing frustration in dealing with extroverts and feelers.

Yeah, that's the thing. I just run into a lot of extraverts that get offended and act as if I'm a snob if I don't want to have a big ole four hour conversation on the airplane, or if I'd rather go home after work than go out for drinks. Why can't THAT just be what it is?
 

Orangey

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As far as I'm concerned, it can be. I don't really have any expectations of an extravert because they spent time talking to me.

Yeah, that's the thing. I just run into a lot of extraverts that get offended and act as if I'm a snob if I don't want to have a big ole four hour conversation on the airplane, or if I'd rather go home after work than go out for drinks. Why can't THAT just be what it is?

Yeah! :azdaja:
 
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