[NT] Hidden thoughts

[tnem]

I fantasize that me and Ayn Rand are superheroes and we go around beating up hobos.

LMAO! I haven't laughed this hard since... yesterday!

 

[calamedes]

lol @ Ayn Rand.

I dream of competence... that's about it. nothing dark

 

[laintpe]

I am very melancholy and just realized now that i was wrong when i called it nostalgia because the things i dwell on never actually happened. otherwise, i get very dark thoughts, but i tend to assume that low serotonin levels are more responsible for those and the violent nightmares than my personality type.

 

[Orangey]

I am very melancholy and just realized now that i was wrong when i called it nostalgia because the things i dwell on never actually happened. otherwise, i get very dark thoughts, but i tend to assume that low serotonin levels are more responsible for those and the violent nightmares than my personality type.

Same. I'm very melancholy, and my thoughts are usually about things that I imagine rather than things that have happened (though I get those too). I have very dark thoughts, so much so that I don't want to share them in this thread because they are inappropriate on many different levels. I've had some pretty sick dreams as well.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I'm very melancholy, and my thoughts are usually about things that I imagine rather than things that have happened (though I get those too).

While I wouldn't consider myself terribly melancholy [though I get accused of it]
I can definitely attest to spending a lot more time concerning "what ifs" than what is. I will also create realities for myself, to the point where I can confuse myself thinking of something with actually having done it, which creates problems for me.

Also, it has recently been brought to my attention that my response to serious or stressful events is rather abnormal. Or at least that's what my sister says. My ability to be so matter-of-fact during certain events, she says, is indicative of a disorder of some kind, but I'm not so sure I agree. For example, I was 10 minutes away from going out to Valentine's day dinner when my mom ran up to my room and told me my dad had fallen down and she was having trouble getting him up. He had had quad bypass surgery over a week before so he was still recovering, so I went down and helped him sit up before realizing his left side was paralyzed. Throughout the whole ordeal I was completely calm, and in control of myself. And when I called my GF to cancel my plans and simply told her "Hey, my dad had a stroke, they took him to the hospital and stuff, but if you want to come over or something you still can."

Anyone else like that? I never thought it odd before being confronted with it a couple days ago.

Also, I frequently "hope," not completely seriously, but from an interest point of view, that there will be a dramatic, paradigm-shifting event that alters the geopolitical or social landscape of the world. Just because I'm bored and want something different. Very selfish, I know.

 

[jenocyde]

For example, I was 10 minutes away from going out to Valentine's day dinner when my mom ran up to my room and told me my dad had fallen down and she was having trouble getting him up. He had had quad bypass surgery over a week before so he was still recovering, so I went down and helped him sit up before realizing his left side was paralyzed. Throughout the whole ordeal I was completely calm, and in control of myself. And when I called my GF to cancel my plans and simply told her "Hey, my dad had a stroke, they took him to the hospital and stuff, but if you want to come over or something you still can."

That's exactly how I would react. Freaking out won't change the circumstances and could perhaps rile up your family, who are most likely panicked already. I can't imagine any other way to handle that situation.

(Also, I'm really sorry about your dad. Hope he's better now...)

 

[FigerPuppet]

Sometimes I have thought about how easy it would be to just grab a kitchen knife and kill my family. One time I even ended up questioning my ability to control my own actions. It was pretty weird - kinda OCD where you must do a certain thing, even though you do not want to do it. But I quickly turned off my imagination and that made the silly feeling go away.

I have similar thoughts when walking down the street "There isn't anything but willpower between walking down the street - just like I'm doing - and assaulting a random person". Then I jump into an imaginative scene where I assault and kill a stranger, which is sort of satisfying.

I think I would be willing to kill if
1: I could get away with it.
2: The victim wasn't someone I know
3: It would be professional - like in Hostel.
- but I'm not sure, as I'm afraid of how it would change me.


Those are some of my darkest thoughts. I have some nasty ones too (involving me being able to stop time or being invisible), but those aren't interesting.

 

[jenocyde]

Sometimes I have thought about how easy it would be to just grab a kitchen knife and kill my family. One time I even ended up questioning my ability to control my own actions. It was pretty weird - kinda OCD where you must do a certain thing, even though you do not want to do it. But I quickly turned off my imagination and that made the silly feeling go away.

I have similar thoughts when walking down the street "There isn't anything but willpower between walking down the street - just like I'm doing - and assaulting a random person". Then I jump into an imaginative scene where I assault and kill a stranger, which is sort of satisfying.

I think I would be willing to kill if
1: I could get away with it.
2: The victim wasn't someone I know
3: It would be professional - like in Hostel.
- but I'm not sure, as I'm afraid of how it would change me.


Those are some of my darkest thoughts. I have some nasty ones too (involving me being able to stop time or being invisible), but those aren't interesting.

Wow, I'm not going to lie and say that wasn't disturbing for me to read. One question - what does that compulsion feel like? Is it that you want to see if you can do it, or that you want to feel the blades physically pierce or that you want someone dead? I'm just trying to understand the thought process or the internal dialogue - basically, why is this appealing?

 

[jenocyde]

- but I'm not sure, as I'm afraid of how it would change me.

How do you think it would change you?

Those are some of my darkest thoughts. I have some nasty ones too (involving me being able to stop time or being invisible), but those aren't interesting.

They sound hella interesting, do you mind sharing some?

 

[JocktheMotie]

Wow, I'm not going to lie and say that wasn't disturbing for me to read. One question - what does that compulsion feel like? Is it that you want to see if you can do it, or that you want to feel the blades physically pierce or that you want someone dead? I'm just trying to understand the thought process or the internal dialogue - basically, why is this appealing?

I've had similar thoughts, but it's never a desire. It's more like "Hmm, it would be so easy to just run over this pedestrian" or "I wonder what would happen if [insert morbid thought here]." It's never really a huge urge, more like an extrapolation of imagination. It's like whenever I walk into a bank, I think about robbing it, or think about disarming the robber in front of me and being the hero.

Anyways, can't wait to see you on Sunday amirite? LOL!

 

[FigerPuppet]

Wow, I'm not going to lie and say that wasn't disturbing for me to read. One question - what does that compulsion feel like? Is it that you want to see if you can do it, or that you want to feel the blades physically pierce or that you want someone dead? I'm just trying to understand the thought process or the internal dialogue - basically, why is this appealing?

Scary is a more fitting word than appealing. I didn't feel like doing out of hatred against my parents, but rather because there's a ridiculously thin line holding everybody in their place and keeping everything from going into chaos. It was when I figured that out that I got the weird feelings. It would take nothing more than 5 minutes to dramatically change everything in my life. I think I felt helpless fighting against the great gravity of such change. I had to rationalize the steps I had just gone through to show myself what a ridiculous thing it would be. (1) I love my family and (2) I wouldn't want to waste a part of my life in jail just to waste the rest being a complete loser with no chances of ever realizing his dreams.
Now I just feel like JocktheMotie - I wonder what would happen. I did that before this event too, but the event was the wondering taken one step further - at least I think that. I'm not sure.

It's been a year since it happened, but I wrote it down as good as my memory allows me.

How do you think it would change you?

I think it would change how I perceive myself. I wouldn't be able to decide - a monster or a man above the rest? I prefer neither when the decision has to made by looking at the fact that I murdered someone.

They sound hella interesting, do you mind sharing some?

Nothing special. Crap such as stopping time to steal or look up a woman's skirt (or worse), or stalking people while invisible. Just normal fantasies.


I suck at writing my feelings down, because I can never be 100% sure of why I feel as I do. I could keep on rationalizing my feelings for hours.

 

[Orangey]

I've had similar thoughts, but it's never a desire. It's more like "Hmm, it would be so easy to just run over this pedestrian" or "I wonder what would happen if [insert morbid thought here]." It's never really a huge urge, more like an extrapolation of imagination. It's like whenever I walk into a bank, I think about robbing it, or think about disarming the robber in front of me and being the hero.

Yeah, it's not desire. If it were, it'd be a lot harder to control! I have imagined what the sensations would be if I ran a knife across someone's throat. It's never because I want to actually do this, but more that I know it's something people do and have done in the past, and am curious about what it feels like. It's only ever idle speculation, something to occupy my mind (though I admit, such things tend to occupy my mind more than is probably "normal").

 

[TaylorS]

I've been thinking of ways to torture the monster that raped a close friend of mine a couple weeks ago.

 

[jenocyde]

Wow guys, this is a bit intense, but I'm glad you expressed it. I, of course, have had many what if moments, as well. As a female who travels alone around the world, I always find myself sizing people up and looking for weak spots. I can honestly say, the thoughts never last for more than a second and I would never act on it unless directly threatened. But the thoughts are there just the same.

And of course, who doesn't fantasize about bank robberies or stopping time?

But the way you described it, Smiley, really made me do a double take. I'm very happy that you understand implications, and that those feelings are under control. It must be tough to love someone and still have those conflicting thoughts...

Jock - unfortunately, about Sunday...
Hahaha, just playin'! Of course - can't wait to meet you!!!

 

[FigerPuppet]

It must be tough to love someone and still have those conflicting thoughts...

I don't place much weight on those thoughts anymore, so it's awwwwwright.

 

[jenocyde]

I don't place much weight on those thoughts anymore, so it's awwwwwright.

I'm sure you don't, or you probably wouldn't have written it! hahaha...

 

[Xenofile]

This is why you don't ask INTJs for our hidden thoughts.

I've also had the fantasies about killing someone close to me or at random. I generally try to bury those thoughts because they scare the shit out of me. Its odd because I can go through the whole bloody ordeal in my head, but I find myself unable to watch an sort of torture film as I just don't enjoy watching people suffer...for the most part.

Sometimes I get into a sort of unproductive moody rut (perhaps its my weak J) and during those times I may get a bit self-loathing, but I usually direct my my distaste out at the world, often by being a total ass to people around me.

 

[jenocyde]

I've been thinking of ways to torture the monster that raped a close friend of mine a couple weeks ago.

I don't know how I missed this post. I'm really sorry. Please be careful.

 

[sunset5678]

some people go bad because they are given such a hard time about doing
things right and making the right decisions and betray anyone to get that
freedom they think they are being denied...

effort to succeed doesn't go unpunished

Things that you thought were just fictional plots in books or film have hap-
pened to real people (just in different context)

 

[Vildechaya]

I'd say mine is to walk away from everything. One day, just sell all my things, take my passport and move to someplace like Dublin or Sydney. Abandon my job, my family, and my friends, its almost scary how willing I'd be to do that. I could have a marvelous time there masquerading abroad as the 'dark foreigner on the run with a tortured past'.

Disapearing without warning when I was younger is something I have done several times. It's only fun while the money lasts.