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Thread: INFP and ENTP relationship

  1. #1
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    Default INFP and ENTP relationship

    Hi everyone!

    I'm an ENTP girl dating INFP boyfriend for over 7 years. It's been a hard relationship with many beautiful moments so we're keeping us going. I'll omit the oh so happy parts not to make it too long. I've done some problem analyzing. It all comes down to this:

    1 I'm a very outgoing person in a constant search of excitement and fun with lots of friends. He is like a sweet doormat who likes to stay in and rarely goes out and has a few very close friends. We can't find common interests we would do together except lovemaking. We don't even have mutual friends to hang out with.

    I'm here to improve myself and search for a solution. What do some INFP here like to do with their gf, what makes you happy? Unfortunately I can't reach to him, I keep hitting the wall.

    2 We both value and need lots of space for our own very different activities and reasons so we strugle with an idea of living together. We're in our 30' and it seems we can't get it done. We live seperately.

    Have you had simmilar troubles with and what happened? We would like to go in that direction.

    3 I'm living in my world of ideas and I like to verbalize them. I don't do it much with him. He is very sensitive about conflicts to the point he leaves a room before I even start saying regular things. I understand he can't help it but above all this, it creates a distance between us.

    Everything is fine while it's all harmonic and peaceful. I very much watch my tone with him but it takes very little and him not being able to handle stress very well at all but with passive agression.
    I am independet and I talk to my best female friend about my things but it can't replace this void of not doing it with my partner. How to talk better with INFP ?

    Do any of you, especially male INFPs, have some thoughts to share on my 3 issues? I feel like we're out of ways to build intimacy again and I don't see where are we going even though we love each other. Like we're speaking different love languages. I think I'm being careful to meet his needs but he can't figure to meet my. Breakup is not yet an option, we decided to make it work.

  2. #2
    Paragon Gone Wrong Array OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I'm a woman INFP, FYI, but since no one has responded yet....

    Quote Originally Posted by lost View Post
    1 I'm a very outgoing person in a constant search of excitement and fun with lots of friends. He is like a sweet doormat who likes to stay in and rarely goes out and has a few very close friends. We can't find common interests we would do together except lovemaking. We don't even have mutual friends to hang out with.

    I'm here to improve myself and search for a solution. What do some INFP here like to do with their gf, what makes you happy? Unfortunately I can't reach to him, I keep hitting the wall.
    In terms of myself, I am no doormat at all, but probably something of a homebody. I don't constantly need to be on the go because many of my interests are solitary and involve reading. I do like to go out somewhat regularly still. I like novelty a lot, and I'm also spontaneous, and I think these are typical INFP traits. I'm also pretty go-with-the-flow when it comes to leisure time pursuits, and so I will do something with someone simply to be with them, even if it's not an interest of mine. However, I do appreciate the same in return (which I don't necessarily receive, or not with the same open-mindedness I give).

    INFPs very frequently like almost anything to do with art, music, books, film, nature - stuff like that. There's a thread with a list of "where to find INFPs" from a small survey I took, and the places/activities tend to revolve around these things. When in public, they probably like a low-key spot to hang back & just observe.

    What most don't like is big groups, big parties, etc. Personally, small groups are okay, but I don't even like that every week; about 1-2 times a month is enough to be around a group of people solely for socializing.

    I'm not sure what kind of excitement you mean though... I know I'm not really into any kind of sport, and most INFPs seem to only like a select one or two (which they may or may not be really into).

    Do you think he'd be more interested in going out if it was just you two more often?

    2 We both value and need lots of space for our own very different activities and reasons so we strugle with an idea of living together. We're in our 30' and it seems we can't get it done. We live seperately.

    Have you had simmilar troubles with and what happened? We would like to go in that direction.
    Maybe move into a place where you each can have your own "areas" (even if not separate rooms). A lot of couples who live together do their own thing a lot, they just keep each other informed out of courtesy. I think the adapting to living with someone else is a struggle for anyone though & involves compromise & flexibility.

    3 I'm living in my world of ideas and I like to verbalize them. I don't do it much with him. He is very sensitive about conflicts to the point he leaves a room before I even start saying regular things. I understand he can't help it but above all this, it creates a distance between us.

    Everything is fine while it's all harmonic and peaceful. I very much watch my tone with him but it takes very little and him not being able to handle stress very well at all but with passive agression.
    I am independet and I talk to my best female friend about my things but it can't replace this void of not doing it with my partner. How to talk better with INFP ?
    I like an intellectual "argument" quite a bit, but if someone becomes insulting, then I'm just going to shut down. If they push it, then I'll get snippy. If they keep pushing, then I get mad (and I have a bad tamper at that point; nothing passive there, just aggressive). Leaving the room is typical of me too, because I'd rather not lose my temper.

    I too often see people claim they're "just being objective" in such situations when they're really so full of bias they're unable to see the other side. This makes them impossible to talk to, because they're turning you into their strawman to rail against. They have no idea what your stance is & never will so long as they are stuck in their black & white thinking. To try & explain yourself in such a situation is tiring & pointless.

    My experience with ENTPs specifically is that they can be condescending, think they already know it all, and can be less interested in actually communicating than influencing or schooling people, which isn't really any fun for the other people involved. Basically, I don't think you can put all of the problem on him; you may need to adjust your communication style a bit too.

    FYI, if you're seeing this reaction in him, then you're not really meeting his needs. This is classic reaction due to "stepping on an INFP's values". When he gets mad, you've violated some boundary on something important to him, and he's withdrawing to protect it. Our #1 defense is probably to not let people know a value even exists so they cannot touch it. Then, if they happen to get close to it, we just put up some roadblocks so they can't fully see it still. They'll continue railing against some strawman, unaware they are miles away from what we're really feeling. However, the other person's confusion with the INFP's feelings & a view they don't actually hold will pain them a bit. I know I don't like being viewed inaccurately, but sometimes I'll take it over actually explaining myself and STILL not being understood.
    "Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind." - Proust,
    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx - 451| RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    FYI, if you're seeing this reaction in him, then you're not really meeting his needs. This is classic reaction due to "stepping on an INFP's values". When he gets mad, you've violated some boundary on something important to him, and he's withdrawing to protect it. Our #1 defense is probably to not let people know a value even exists so they cannot touch it. Then, if they happen to get close to it, we just put up some roadblocks so they can't fully see it still. They'll continue railing against some strawman, unaware they are miles away from what we're really feeling. However, the other person's confusion with the INFP's feelings & a view they don't actually hold will pain them a bit. I know I don't like being viewed inaccurately, but sometimes I'll take it over actually explaining myself and STILL not being understood.
    @lost, I hear that you want this relationship to work so I want that for you, too. But I've got to tell you I see a lot of problems with an INFP/ENTP relationship. They operate in completely different head spaces.

    I think OrangeAppled did a good job of explaining how Fi feels to an INFP... at least this has been my experience with my INFP BFF. Dating / being friends with / loving an INFP means being willing to respect his or her strongly held Fi value system... and even celebrating their Fi values with them when possible.

    I have several dear ENTP friends, too. My experience has been that they are in someways the antithesis to the INFP who holds their Fi values as almost "sacred". Whereas for an ENTP, almost nothing is "sacred". In fact, the ENTPs I know enjoy playing around with ideas that they don't even believe just to get a reaction out of other people. An INFP would not normally do this. They are all about the "meaning" of things. ENTPs are all about playing with the meaning of things in a very logical, detached manner while they are trying to sort out whatever logical endeavor is at hand. <- You can see the inherent problems that might come out of such a pairing.

    I know you and your boyfriend love each other and have invested a lot of time in this relationship. However, I don't think it's untoward to think about what your respective lives would be like if you were dating someone who could celebrate your intellectual exploits with you and he were dating someone who could celebrate his dearly held Fi values with him. Might be better for you both.

    (BTW, I'm fully prepared for this email to generate a sh*tstorm of comments about how people shouldn't let type dictate their dating life. I'm not saying that type alone should dictate relationship success. Maturity and commitment are far more important. Nonetheless, some relationships take more work than others. IMHO, life is too short to make a major commitment to a relationship that is soooo hard. Some types just fit better with other types. For example, I think an INFJ would work really well with an ENTP. They've both got the Fe/Ti thing going on.)
    ENFP with kick*ss Te | 7w8 so | ♀

  4. #4
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    @lost: have you expressed your concerns with your boyfriend?

    Do you share similar values in terms of religion, politics and culture? In other words, what do you have in common?

    Can you share deeply held feelings with each other?

    Are you willing to compromise? Is he? If you are not, why not?

    Personalities are not set in stone, and people (in my experience) are much more similar than different. I just watched a documentary about a young couple with a baby who are yak herders on the Tibetan plateau. What struck me the most about it was that their concerns where exactly the same as people here. The man was concerned about acne, she complained that he never helped her, that being a women is hard work; they both were concerned about their baby, and worried that she wasn't getting what she needed, or that they weren't good parents, etc, etc;

    Imagine for a moment, that you and your bf are lying in bed, laughing about the differences between you rather than worrying about them. In other words, it is possible to reframe this so that you see humor in it rather than obstacle.

  5. #5
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    1 - Well, you both share strong N, so that's a good place to start. Many INFPs enjoy exploring new things - do either or both of you enjoy travelling, whether far away or just exploring a new city? My boyfriend and I like to spend a day in a new city together, just finding fun things to do and seeing new sights. Or maybe even just exploring new theories together... NF and NT can both get lost in a good science fiction, be it movie or TV or even books that you read separately and then discuss together. Personally, my dad and brother are INTPs, and we all really enjoy driving and talking about cars. They're more into mechanics and I'm more into the tactics of driving, but it's a good shared interest. Perhaps you could find a subject like that you both enjoy looking at different aspects of, then sharing your respective discoveries. Also, do either of you enjoy puzzles? That's often an N interest. Crosswords, jigsaws, ciphers, sudoku... you guys could work together on them, so it'd be low-key for your Introvert but still keep you happy being with someone.

    2 - I also like the idea of living-together-but-separately... shit, I like that idea just in general because it seems nice to have your own space for your own stuff. I think it'd be awesome to have a me-room, a him-room, and then a shared bedroom, personally. Like two personal study rooms and a bedroom, plus a shared living area and kitchen, of course.

    3-
    I'm living in my world of ideas and I like to verbalize them. I don't do it much with him. He is very sensitive about conflicts to the point he leaves a room before I even start saying regular things. I understand he can't help it but above all this, it creates a distance between us.
    Oh my gosh, I understand this! I am in a relationship with an enneagram 9w1 ("the Peacemaker") and he is sensitive, too. I'm still working on it... evidently us ENPs can come across a little loud sometimes. :] I have started sharing my ideas with him more through my drawings and paintings, which he seems to enjoy. I think also prefacing your verbalization of ideas with a warm statement or some kind of expression of love would help him not feel threatened.

    Good luck with everything!!

  6. #6
    Oddly Formal Array Udog's Avatar
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    This has come up a couple of times - these threads might be worth a skim:

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ationship.html
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ml?pagenumber=
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...infp-entp.html

    Quote Originally Posted by lost View Post
    I'm an ENTP girl dating INFP boyfriend for over 7 years. It's been a hard relationship with many beautiful moments so we're keeping us going. I'll omit the oh so happy parts not to make it too long.
    I'd be interested in hearing at least a little bit about the happy parts.

    1 I'm a very outgoing person in a constant search of excitement and fun with lots of friends. He is like a sweet doormat who likes to stay in and rarely goes out and has a few very close friends. We can't find common interests we would do together except lovemaking. We don't even have mutual friends to hang out with.

    I'm here to improve myself and search for a solution. What do some INFP here like to do with their gf, what makes you happy? Unfortunately I can't reach to him, I keep hitting the wall.
    He's introverted, so getting out of his head and into the real world can be an energy sucking endeavor. Just like with exercising, it's best to start small and increase the difficulty as his endurance increases. Perhaps try going for a hike in a nice, scenic area, and after that you can try to convince him to climb Kilimanjaro with you!

    2 We both value and need lots of space for our own very different activities and reasons so we strugle with an idea of living together. We're in our 30' and it seems we can't get it done. We live seperately.
    I like OrangeAppled's advice here. If you move in together, make the living room and bedroom shared living space, and then have 1 or 2 (if you can afford it) private rooms where you can retreat and do you own thing.

    Since you are the woman, the kitchen naturally belongs to you. Your INFP is waiting for his ham sammich, so chop chop!

    3 I'm living in my world of ideas and I like to verbalize them. I don't do it much with him. He is very sensitive about conflicts to the point he leaves a room before I even start saying regular things. I understand he can't help it but above all this, it creates a distance between us.

    Everything is fine while it's all harmonic and peaceful. I very much watch my tone with him but it takes very little and him not being able to handle stress very well at all but with passive agression.
    I am independet and I talk to my best female friend about my things but it can't replace this void of not doing it with my partner. How to talk better with INFP ?
    This one is tricky without hearing your boyfriend’s side of things. ENTP tertiary Fe can easily square off and conflict with INFP primary Fi.

    Also, an aversion to conflict is a common affliction with INFP males. He may have learned that arguing leads to extensive drama and severe punishment. It'll help if you can show him that engaging you in debate won't lead to either of those things.

    Do any of you, especially male INFPs, have some thoughts to share on my 3 issues? I feel like we're out of ways to build intimacy again and I don't see where are we going even though we love each other. Like we're speaking different love languages. I think I'm being careful to meet his needs but he can't figure to meet my. Breakup is not yet an option, we decided to make it work.
    Is he even aware of your needs?

    Have you guys talked about MBTI and the similarities and differences in how you guys communicate? Doing a compare and contrast with how the ENTP and INFP communicate can be a very informative and interesting conversation for the both of you. That would be one good place to start.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Since you are the woman, the kitchen naturally belongs to you. Your INFP is waiting for his ham sammich, so chop chop!
    Funny! Made me snort when I read that.

    ENFP with kick*ss Te | 7w8 so | ♀

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    Thanks everybody for help. We love each other but it just wasn't working and we couldn't make each other fully happy even though there were more happy moments than bad. He saw right through me without saying a word and that's what I adored about him. But I don't have such deep abillity to give back. I don't know why he loved me, maybe just because he felt love. Sure I can be fun but is that what INFP really needed or is that just what he wanted? We operate in completely different head spaces and we laughed about it but the distance didn't go away. It was masked with rare but deep closeness. Unfortunatelly we broke up after a serious talk, it was mutual.

    It's pretty pointless to answers your questions now but the thread is already here and if that could contribute to show you how could one ENTP - INFP relationship look like and end, here it goes.

    He is a writter and very much into all sort of arts and treveling and we had that in common but he liked to be alone in it, I was left out. I understood that as I liked to be alone or with someone else but him while visiting galleries, cities and things but it was too isolating for my taste. We couldn't come to agree to do almost anything together, not just the two of us, not with more or some friends. When it rarely happend, it had to be something HE liked or else he became very moody. I've never pushed him into going to parties or things like that. I don't even have time for it because of my job. I said it very clearly what my needs were too many times. I felt neglected.

    We're into social games and so on but again he was willing to do it by himself or with his friends since it was the opportunity to see them and I was left out of it as he need his breathing space. Even tough we were not living together and we couldn't afford big enough place as suggested.

    I don't know how you see me here but I'm not an insulting person and I'm not especially pushy. I hate arguments. He wasn't into MBTI, he thought it was stupid to divide people and I couldn't explain how interesting it could be as he was already gone away from me. I got him to take the test which just affirmed my assumption about his type.

    I saw him as "just being objective" when he's really so full of bias he's unable to see the other side. I tried to adjust my communication style until I broke. Sure I was stepping on INFP's values because I had no clue what were they and he didn't want to teach me about his Fi value system. I did share my ideas with him through my lyrics and songs and he seemed to enjoy. I made cookies for him! There wasn't a subject we could easily talk about because he felt threatened every time we shared different aspects of it and discoveries. Like he let me make mistakes and assumed I could read his mind and punished me for it.

    All my ex bf were guys who could celebrate my intellectual exploits and it wasn't good enough for me. All his ex gf were girls who could celebrate his dearly held Fi values with him and it wasn't working for him. I was with INTJ and ESTP once, he was with INFJ and ESFJ. I'm not sure about the rest but we found each other after all that. I agree I would love to date INFJ! I want him to be happy too but I don't know what type of woman is ideal for him and it's not of my business anymore. Probably the one in his head. I read about that woman in the SF books he wrote. Sure it's ficition but it's miles away from what I was to him.

    So as I listened to his dreams and things he shared. I felt fake pretending I got touched by it while it was all just silly and illogical to me. I was there but not in a soul mate way. I failed him being myself. He didn't as much did the same to me, I think I was just bored with him. I'm sad now but he was never really mine.

  9. #9
    yap yap yap Array xenaprincess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lost View Post
    I failed him being myself. He didn't as much did the same to me, I think I was just bored with him. I'm sad now but he was never really mine.
    aw...no one is ever anyone else's. Even if you're married 10 years. BUT...one person can be more suited to you than another.

    I'm sorry. You'll find someone who will allow you to be who you are fully, without guilt or having to contort yourself to try to be someone you aren't...and so will he.

    I think you were too different. You appreciated parts of each other, but were too different to co-exist with one another. it sounds like you need to be with an E person, and probably and F person. (Ideally, the same person ). Maybe an ENFP?

    No use thinking about it now though, it will happen when it happens. In the meantime, treat yourself gently.

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    Quote Originally Posted by xenaprincess View Post
    aw...no one is ever anyone else's. Even if you're married 10 years. BUT...one person can be more suited to you than another.
    False. Marriage is a Contract with God that basically makes a Man and a Woman a single slave unit owned by the Church, and masters over each other. Also, women are often privately owned or publicly traded in many heathen cultures.

    I'm sorry. You'll find someone who will allow you to be who you are fully, without guilt or having to contort yourself to try to be someone you aren't...and so will he.
    Probably False. Chances are you'll never find someone who will be with you while accepting your entire personality. Everyone is prone to doing, thinking or saying things that others dislike. If you have a habit of spitting on the floor at nice restaurants, for example, I would gently ask you to modify your behavior because that shit is sick, yo.

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