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[MBTI General] How to avoid being the problem dumping ground?

Moon Wolf

New member
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4/9
Hi all I'm new :hi:

As an INFP I have found myself enter some pretty poisonous relationships in the past where the common features in these "friendships" would include:

- Complain to me about all lifes i'll's and have no time for my problems
- I am taken for granted and expendable (being stonewalled at random)
- Vent their frustrations out on me directly or with little subtle remarks
- Belittlement

My desire to explore these people's personalities and quickness to offer them some moral support can get me trapped into a very unhealthy relationship where my only power is to walk away.. at which point my value suddenenly skyrockets and they come crawling back but eventually it slowly turns into the same old crap again.

I have been getting advice from an ISTJ to just look out for myself and not bother taking up with these "losers". Sometimes I think he is right.

Any thoughts and any similar experiences? :)
 

BRMC117

is an ambi-turner
Joined
Jan 21, 2010
Messages
781
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
3w2
you are an INFP, its going to happen. With great power comes great responsibility.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Yep...distance yourself. I have had "friends" like that, and while I did not cut them off, I've put distance between us, so they are less likely to come wailing to me about problems as if I am their free therapist, and then disappear when they are happy once again. I might be okay with it if they heard me out once in awhile and if they were not "foul-weather" friends. Now I just maybe have lunch once a year or make brief comments on facebook, but we are not close anymore.
 

demimondaine

New member
Joined
Mar 26, 2008
Messages
371
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4
i think orangeappled gives very good advice.

it's rare that i've completely cut these people out of my life, but i have "gone into hiding" a few times to get distance. it may seem harsh, but in my experience, these were mostly "foul-weather" friends (thanks OA, haha) who really did nothing from their end to contribute to the relationship. friendships go both ways. i also discovered how sensitive i was to other people's emotions.. i had been letting these people and their problems stress me out! can't say i miss them.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Hi all I'm new :hi:

As an INFP I have found myself enter some pretty poisonous relationships in the past where the common features in these "friendships" would include:

- Complain to me about all lifes i'll's and have no time for my problems
- I am taken for granted and expendable (being stonewalled at random)
- Vent their frustrations out on me directly or with little subtle remarks
- Belittlement

EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES.
Stay away form them, they will drain you of your energy and leave you an exhausted heap of human waste.

My desire to explore these people's personalities and quickness to offer them some moral support can get me trapped into a very unhealthy relationship where my only power is to walk away.. at which point my value suddenenly skyrockets and they come crawling back but eventually it slowly turns into the same old crap again.

Sure, many times unhealthy people's personalities are strange and maybe even intriguing, but don't confuse "dysfunctional and abusive" for "novel and unique."

Don't try to save people. Help those who help themselves, and only help them if they ask for it. You'll both be better off for it.

I have been getting advice from an ISTJ to just look out for myself and not bother taking up with these "losers". Sometimes I think he is right.

Any thoughts and any similar experiences? :)

Your ISTJ friend sounds like a smart fellow. You should hang out with him more, and not these venomous leeches that you keep finding. :laugh:

Surround yourself with good people. You are who you assoicate with. The quality of the people in your life is a direct reflection of your own sense of self worth. :yes:
 

Moon Wolf

New member
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4/9
Thanks for the advice and I will certainly strive to surround myself with positive, good people :)
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Thanks for the advice...

You're very welcome, good luck to you! :happy:

...and I will certainly strive to surround myself with positive, good people :)

Doing so is one of the best things you can do in ensuring your overall quality of life. Good friendships are low maintenance and long lasting. :yes:

Until you have strong bearings on being assertive and are an effective self-advocate following simple rules might be helpful, such as (1) Friendships are a two-way street, and if you feel at some point that there is "unfairness" going on then re-assess the relationship and whether or not to continue it, (2) Find people who respect you as much as you respect yourself, and who you like as much as they like themselves, and (3) Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, and don't be afraid to offer help to others that need it, but don't make it your life's purpose to try and help everyone with everything, you will exhaust yourself and end up not doing near as much good as you thought you were because many people will not appreciate whatever it is you are trying to do for them. :doh:
 

Flutterby

New member
Joined
May 27, 2010
Messages
36
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5
Lately I've had a couple of people belittle me. I think I'm expected to explain myself or something, but I just see that crap as rude. (Well it is rude, but I probably get more offended by it because I have my own conscience to guide me and I put a lot of thought and research into my opinions.)

In any case, like people have said, the best strategy is to distance yourself from these people and find more positive people to be with. It seems harsh sometimes but one thing I've realised is that a verbal attack can be pretty devastating or just plain draining for me, and I have to protect myself. Also, if a person is rude to me they don't deserve to spend time with me, so if you just think of it like that the choice becomes simple.
 

mochajava

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
475
MBTI Type
INFJ
I just wanted to add to this that sometimes distancing yourself can seem painful in initially, because these "friends" (and sometimes family members) may have been filling a lot of your social time. I think that the empty space and empty time allows for newer, healthier relationships to come take their place -- so you are doing yourself tons of favors by distancing yourself from these leech types. Oh, and I don' think it's "oversensitive" to distance yourself or even a doorslam -- other types do this constantly; it can be an almost unconscious process for them! Wow...
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I can't really even add anything much to the excellent comments above. I've been in such situations, one in particular recently and I posted a couple of threads about it.

Unfortunately it can sometimes take a long time to distance yourself from emotional vampires/leeches...as you say there can be a distance/closeness pattern recurring for a long time and you may only realise gradually how much harm it has been doing to you. Sure, there are real and rewarding friendships where people may sometimes hurt each other, where you may sometimes feel drained by the other person's problems etc. BUT if that's all it's about - them draining you, and never reciprocating by offering support, being a real friend, etc - then yeah, walking away is the right thing to do.

It may still be painful especially if you are quite emotionally invested in the person, one way or another. You may find yourself wondering if you abandoned them, if they really dislike you now, etc etc etc. But you need to look out for yourself first, in the end. It's not really selfish. If you look after your own health and surround yourself with people who are basically good for you, you will be happier, you will enjoy life more, and you'll have more energy and support to offer to people who are worth it.

:hug:
 

mochajava

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
475
MBTI Type
INFJ
Silkroad: If you look after your own health and surround yourself with people who are basically good for you, you will be happier, you will enjoy life more, and you'll have more energy and support to offer to people who are worth it.

That was so wonderful, it needed reiterating :) "You'll have more energy and support to offer people who are worth it." So if doing good is your goal, then preserving yourself against "takers" or "emotional vampires" is just a way to be able to do more and better.
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
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sp/sx
That was so wonderful, it needed reiterating :) "You'll have more energy and support to offer people who are worth it." So if doing good is your goal, then preserving yourself against "takers" or "emotional vampires" is just a way to be able to do more and better.

Yes! :) I'm coming to think of it sort of as "being selfish to be unselfish." I mean, none of us will ever get the balance perfectly right. I think I'm a fairly unselfish person, but sometimes I do just distance myself even when I could genuinely offer help. And on the flip side, sometimes I over-extend myself and get little or nothing back. But I think I'm getting better at it.

Certainly if you have tried to do what you can for such people, and all that happens is they drain and pain you with their problems, and don't show much gratitude, let alone mutual support and upbuilding...and this may even have happened over a somewhat lengthy time period...you shouldn't feel guilty about walking away or at least having way more distance between you and them. Very likely you WILL feel some guilt because that's probably the kind of person you are. But really...you shouldn't! The people who you can have mutually rewarding relationships with actually do exist out there.
 
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