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[ENFP] ENFP in a toxic environment - coping strategies?

boondocked

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Help??

I attend a teeny grad school that feels high-schooly in terms of cliques and gossipy attitude. Everybody hangs out only with those in the program, and we work together, in groups, on nearly every assignment. The hours are so long that none of us has a chance to meet outside people.

Here's the problem...I don't fit with this group yet (despite being here a year). I have a good friend or two within the program, but I'm not really a part of the community. Yet I can't get awaaaay!!!

Do you guys have any idea how I could cope with this situation? I'm your textbook ENFP in that I need a HEAPING HELPING of social interaction and also a sense of belonging. How do I survive this place, as an ENFP?
 

Owl

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I dunno... become an INTP?

Make time to find another community outside the group?

Pray.
 

Rachelinpa

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I'm your textbook ENFP in that I need a HEAPING HELPING of social interaction and also a sense of belonging. How do I survive this place, as an ENFP?

Wait, why don't you fit in?

I would maybe go for the helping of social interaction and hope that the sense of belonging follows. It usually does after a while.
 

boondocked

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I dunno... become an INTP?

Would that I could, Owl, would that I could. :doh:


Wait, why don't you fit in?

I would maybe go for the helping of social interaction and hope that the sense of belonging follows. It usually does after a while.

It's hard to say why it isn't gelling. I suppose I feel really intimidated. Lots of smart, impressive alpha types in my school. It's hard to be myself in such a tiny place filled with such strong personalities. And I'm not used to this problem at ALL, so I don't have any resources shored up to deal with it.

I'm going to take your advice, at any rate, awkward though it may feel!
 

INTP

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Nonsensical

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If you don't want to fit in, then hop in the backseat.

Focus on the few close friends you have and your grades. Sit back and watch. Make it known that you don't want to be sucked in.
 

CzeCze

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I think sometimes both INFPs and ENFPs can over-estimate their fears. Your school might be cliquey, but you aren't iced out from the get go. It's not like everyone automatically dislikes you. Also, aren't ENFPs, like, confident? LOL Just fake it!

Knowledge is power and familiarity breeds contempt.

If I were you, I'd become physically familiar with every inch of your campus and familiar with all your programs, professors, etc.

It will make you comfortable and you will "know" your school.

Join a club or two, find something you genuinely like and get involved in your school.

You might want to meet students 1 on 1 or in smaller groups, or in a context where they are courting you (fundraiser, charitable event/group). Ease into it.

Once your feel more comfortable and let your naturally enthusiastic nature out, things will fall into place.

Good luck and keep us posted!
 

Scott N Denver

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It's hard to say why it isn't gelling. I suppose I feel really intimidated. Lots of smart, impressive alpha types in my school. It's hard to be myself in such a tiny place filled with such strong personalities. And I'm not used to this problem at ALL, so I don't have any resources shored up to deal with it.

I was an INFP in physics grad school. It was totally NT/NTJ/INTJ hell. I don't recommend it, not one iota. What do you study?

I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back now it seems pretty clear that many people didn't give a sh_t about me, and the two most effective strategies I can think of are 1) don't let that affect you, or 2) don't give a sh_t either. I wasn't capable of number 1. I didn't know enough to use 2. To rephrase two "don't waste time/energy/effort/concern carrying/worrying about people who don't care about you."

What helped me was spending my other time trying to "reconnect with me" and doing things I enjoy. My current work environment, and my last one, both have certain parallels with my grad school experiences. Think about if this is really something that you wanna do? What are you willing to give up for it? What aren't you willing to give up? What do you need that they won't give you or that they will take away from you? Find someway to get that from somewhere else AND don't let them take it from you. THAT was what I perhaps found hardest about the whole thing.

hard science and engineering are hostile ground for NFP's. I wish it wasn't so, it doesn't need to be so. But, in most [but not all!!!] of my experience it is. Some things just aren't meant to be. Relationships take two willing partners/sides, you can bring all you want from your side, but if the other side is lacking, you will suffer
 

Chloe

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hard science and engineering are hostile ground for NFP's. I wish it wasn't so, it doesn't need to be so. But, in most [but not all!!!] of my experience it is. Some things just aren't meant to be. Relationships take two willing partners/sides, you can bring all you want from your side, but if the other side is lacking, you will suffer

This is v true. Unfortunately.

I'm in med school.... types go like this : ESTJ, ISTJ, ENTJ, couple of ENTPs who are refreshing.. but it's hell for NFP. very little F types.
But I think part of my hell is that I really picked wrong career. I like it but it's not me, it isn't something I wanna do... I know that now.. but i'll finish it since I' more than half way through it. So because of that I'm totally not interested in stuff in school, so.. not enough "spirit" to connect to fellow TJs, which I can if we share something. Here we dont share anything.
sorry OP dont have real advice, except yust try to find friends out of school.
 

Laurie

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I enjoyed mechanical engineering school and the people in it with me. I need to type my best friend in college. (Not saying the OP doesn't have that issue, just that not all engineering is like that, I guess)
 

Kaz

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Have you just tried kinda talking to them? lol I've recently just attended college at a school where there are a lot of students from the area, and me being from 3 hours away had to make an effort to really fit in and make friends. All I did was jump in there and when I participated in activities, I introduced myself, talked, asked what their major was, etc. Then you can find their interests and possibly relate to them. I usually clicked with other students just by jumping into conversations.
 

boondocked

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I'm on the research and communications-strategy side of advertising. Advertising is chock full of fa-LA-ming extroverts, mostly S, but still, a pretty good mix of every extroverted type. Sounds like a dream for an ENFP, and it is, when we actually find the time to party. Parties don't wig me out in the slightest. Like almost any extrovert, they recharge and reassure me. It's being at the school that tears at my sense of connection.

We have just one building, never have a class outside of it. We are more an independent entity than part of the university, our connection to the university is nominal only. So I don't feel in any way connected to student life outside of my grad program. And the work is constant. So constant that people regularly pass out in class and we had one poor kiddo who had to be hospitalized for exhaustion. There isn't much time to foster connection with anyone in The Outside World (dun dun dun)!

Some people thrive in this environment. Type A's, I think. I have a harder time. I think the exhaustion and always having to be 'on' gets to me, so that the relationships that were so effortless at parties erode when we are work partners. Everyone likes me well enough, if peer evals are any indication, but nobody really knows me except my few good friends. Nobody seems to know anybody that well. And that doesn't seem to bother anyone else.

It's hard to say if it's worth it exactly. It's worth the impossible hours, it's worth the constant pressure. I love what I do. However, I'm not sure it's worth the feeling of disconnect and insecurity.

Thank you guys so much for all the suggestions and commiserations!! It's so nice to get a truly outside perspective. :hug:
 

dani_elle

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I too faced this problem when I first started University. :yes:

You would think social butterfly = easy to make friends right? Wrong! It was easy for me to make a ton of distant "friends". The problem I had with the class was:

1) The only friend I knew before entering kinda abandoned me and as closer to this other girl.
2) Thing is, they're both pretty lazy and HATE what they're doing.
3) This somehow makes me their mentor.

At first, I was willing to help but I got really sick of it.. Also, the group of kids that they hung with? Not so nice. Extroverted? Maybe, but a few of them were pretty judgemental. They used to bitch about the other girl (not my ex-friend) and now they are "closest of friends". :doh:

Now my class size is pretty small. I had a choice between like, 3 groups. One group was too T for me and the other consisted mainly of introverts. Not that I dislike introverts, they just don't draw me in, you know?

But bitching is against my values system. Especially if its for no reason (since the class was new?) and they were really really mean to her in the beginning. Plus, one other member of the group figured since my friend and HER friend (i rarely saw them in class) kinda mooched off me, she could do so as well. So yes, mean people and leeches. Oh. But not just mean people, fake ones as well! They would act all nicey-nice at first, and then began to outracize people... who later left the group. (good for them!) Still, appearances are pretty important since the class is small so they act civil.

Anyway, long story short, I dumped that "toxic" group and joined the introverts. They're nice people, and I noticed since I dumped the toxics the leeches got the message - with the exception of my "friend" who didn't talk to me unless she wanted something despite me trying on my part. So, I dumped her after a long while. Kinda. I just kinda told her off for being petty over a small amount of money and POOF! she went all defensive on me.

So yes take my advice, keep it real. We may have the urge to please "everyone" but its practically impossible. I'm glad you have friends, but if you feel the class at large is not a good place for you to invest your energies in, please don't! Its very draining and can take away from other aspects of your life. :yes: If you can, try and find outside friends... take up a hobby or something? Oh yes, and please stick to your good friends. Its better to have one good friend than an entire toxic circle. (P.S. good luck and please don't let this affect your passion for your studies! I nearly did and I am glad I didn't! I'm studying what I love and no lame toxic people can take that away from me!)
 

Queen Kat

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Are they worth it? If they're not worth fitting in with, then don't. I've made that mistake before and it's the only thing in my life that I regret. Sometimes trying to fit in with the wrong croud feels lonelier than spending your time all alone, or that's my experience. Try to become friends with other people. MAybe you'll find a place we're you feel like you belong there.
 

boondocked

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Are they worth it? If they're not worth fitting in with, then don't. I've made that mistake before and it's the only thing in my life that I regret. Sometimes trying to fit in with the wrong croud feels lonelier than spending your time all alone, or that's my experience.

and

So yes take my advice, keep it real. We may have the urge to please "everyone" but its practically impossible. I'm glad you have friends, but if you feel the class at large is not a good place for you to invest your energies in, please don't!

This is all sooo encouraging. I've been thinning myself out trying to be loved by all. It's always been impossible, but I didn't want to look that in the face. I never even considered that it might not be worth it to feel perfectly knit into the school. I DO have my good friends, and thank the powers that be for them. They are enough.

I suppose I just wasn't used to this problem. People are my thing :(. Shrugs. Oh, well. It's my last year anyhow.

Thank you everyone for talking sense to me. Love this place.
 

kiddykat

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Look at it this way..

If people like that like to sit around, gossip, who needs to be a part of that, right?

Take up a new hobby. I know how it feels.. Read up on new/interesting things..

Go to the local gym (if there is one) :). Exercise, get your mind off of stress. When you start feeling happy, on your own (even in solitude) naturally, you will start meeting like minded individuals who share the same interests..

It's all about focus/reinforcing the idea that 'this is only temporary.' Best of luck!
 

Strawberrylover

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So I don't feel in any way connected to student life outside of my grad program.

And the work is constant. So constant that people regularly pass out in class and we had one poor kiddo who had to be hospitalized for exhaustion. There isn't much time to foster connection with anyone in The Outside World (dun dun dun)!

Some people thrive in this environment. Type A's, I think. I have a harder time. I think the exhaustion and always having to be 'on' gets to me, so that the relationships that were so effortless at parties erode when we are work partners. Everyone likes me well enough, if peer evals are any indication, but nobody really knows me except my few good friends. Nobody seems to know anybody that well. And that doesn't seem to bother anyone else.

It seems to me like you're experiencing an odd mix of emotions. You seem to feel overwhelmed on the one hand from the workload and the social scene, and disconnected on the other hand because you're not close to most of the people there. Am I right in this assessment?


Here's my advice to you:

- Nurture your own world. Make sure you have enough time to yourself to do something relaxing, like yoga or taking daily walks, or just anything structured and sensory-based (instead of intellectually/emotionally based) that you do by yourself on a regular basis so that you have time to reflect.
- Volunteer in the community or join a club in the school. Again, this is about nurturing your own separate world that's not dependent on these other people in your program.
- Really try to strengthen your existing close friendships. If you try to be friends with everyone, you might just spread yourself too thin and wind up with no friends at all. A few good friends are better than a whole lotta acquaintances, right?

In general, I'd try to not worry so much about being 'on' all the time. Us ENFPs need more quiet time than other extroverts so we can pause and reflect and establish our Fi-based value system. It's hard to do that when the other people in your program are fa-la-ming extroverts, but I really do think you'll feel better and stronger when you've had more time to reflect.

Hope this helps. Good luck. :)
 

Clonester

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7thsomebody

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often as a fellow ENFP i find it hard to do this but my sister and INTJ admittedly always says this "mind over matter" thing as a way of getting through it. when i was at school and i hated my class i would just focus on my life outside it and if you are enjoying the social life outside your classes that use that as a lighthouse in the dark to look forward to. furthermore i would suggest getting to know the people in your classes however cliquey they seem. i have routinely met great people who nice and friendly though they are, rarely they the first move to be sociable and had i never done so we may have never been friends. the thing about being an enfp is that even without having to try you will often find that you can relax and make friends with even the stuffiest or shyest of people, probably particularly the shyest. so i would say just persevere with being your usual friendly self and take an active academic interest in your classes so that the course itself is more of a motivator if the people are not up to much.
hope this helpsx
 
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