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[ENFJ] How do ENFJ's deal with being dissapointed?

ldesign

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Hello. New to the group and introducing myself. I've come in search of introspective information on dealing with being an ENFJ.

I have read articles dissecting my personality type, and I can say that these things are very true: I'm extremely reliable, ambitious, and approach things is a caring way - caring to me means not being biased and being able to explain a situation from all sides of the coin in order to help others understand. I also associate caring and thoughtfulness with planning.

I sometimes feel drained by being able to counsel others, but not being able to find anyone that has the want to know what is going on with me. I think ENFJ’s might seem like they are independent ad strong willed and therefore no one worries about them. What I think we really want is for someone to admire all of those things that make us ENFJ, to covet that, and to want to know all about us. But we won’t divulge much without you gaining our trust and admiration, because we fear disappointment that you are not truly interested.

I also have high expectations for other people. I run into trouble in my relationships, friendships, and work by being eternally disappointed when others don't live up to my expectations of ambition, or what I expect for reciprocity in caring. Although I tend to not see this as a negative thing, but rather that I would be disrepecting myself if I didn't expect someone to act as thoughtfully toward me as I would toward them. Similarly I expect others at work to stay late to finish a project, or I expect my friends to return calls, show up when they say they will, etc. I am understanding and patient, but if I am disappointed too many times I pretend to build a wall and block those people out. I say pretend, because I really want them to come at my wall with a hammer...which never happens deepening the disappointment.

Ok, so you get the picture...How do ENFJ's deal with being disappointed?

In reading these blogs I see that a lot of people have frustrations with ENFJ's. I'm here to help if there is any insight I can give on they way we tick.

Thanks and Hello!
 

The Third Rider

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Hey welcome, well I know exactly what you mean. To me it has been with a little more personal growth on my own to not put this kind of expectations on other people. Not everyone thinks like I do and its unreasonable to get mad at someone for not returning your call at a set amount of time or to have any other kind of high level expectancy. It’s not to say that I still don’t do it because I do catch myself from time to time expecting certain and not receiving it in return, but I always remind myself that I need to be more reasonable. I also understand what you mean by wanting to share your inner self with someone else, the issue is that you don't want to talk to anyone about it because you want that other person to seem interested enough to ask you instead of you telling them, you want them to genuinely care. I guess I have learned that sometimes is best to just talk things out than keeping things sealed inside of you, it’s not always the best thing to do just store away those feelings, In my case they have come back to bite me in the ass. Did I say welcome aboard? Nice meeting you.:D
 

Salomé

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Hello and welcome.
ENFJs are flavour of the month around here. ;)

Disappointment is the price NFs pay for having too much faith in humanity. The alternative is cynicism. You're better off with disappointment.

Also, I would say it is always a bad idea to expect others to be attuned to what you need and then disappointed when they don't provide it without being asked. Most people don't have the sort of empathy and insight that you may have so it's best to be very clear about what you need and want in a relationship so that there is less opportunity for misunderstanding and hurt. I know this is easier said than done, but I have seen positive results when other ENFs have taken a more directive approach.

Hope that helps!
 

INTJMom

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Hello. New to the group and introducing myself. I've come in search of introspective information on dealing with being an ENFJ.
...

Ok, so you get the picture...How do ENFJ's deal with being disappointed?

In reading these blogs I see that a lot of people have frustrations with ENFJ's. I'm here to help if there is any insight I can give on they way we tick.

Thanks and Hello!
One ENFJ I know breaks things, and the other one is self-destructive.
Is that what you meant? :newwink:

Oh! Welcome to the forum. :hi:
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Moved from Intros because you'll get a better response here.
 

ldesign

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Oh wow, thank you so much for the responses. You are awesome!

Just this morning I had an incident that really tested me, and surely disappointed me. BlueMonday: You are right! I do choose disappointment over cynicism. I think being cynical makes me feel weak or not self aware, as does being angry. Dissapointment leaves me feeling like I did all that I could (or should) do and I can at least feel good about that.

I think the biggest struggle is deciding which people or situations are worth it to
be very clear about what you need and want in a relationship so that there is less opportunity for misunderstanding and hurt.
I think sometimes we just wish get tired and want something to work out without all the effort! But I had decided to be very clear and open is my most recent relationship. Even though I decided that at this point in his life he could not be the person I wanted, I think by being open about it I at least was able to get a clear picture early enough to realize it.

He admitted he can be a contradiction a lot of times and the people he cares about suffer because of it. Do other ENFJ's have a hard time taking people at their word and base character judgments on people's actions?? And if these two things contradict each other, I get very skeptical. Do others get this way as well??
 

Afkan

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How do ENFJ's deal with being disappointed? Not very well. Especially if its a person.
Or myself.

Do other ENFJ's have a hard time taking people at their word and base character judgments on people's actions?? And if these two things contradict each other, I get very skeptical. Do others get this way as well??

It sounds as though you speak of trust... and yes, I have this problem too.

ENFJs are known to have the most resilient opinions of people of all the types. But we are really good at reading people, and experience teaches us that our intuition is fairly precise...

Plus we really want to see people change and grow, so I do think we get real excited when we do see those "growth" earmarked behaviors, we are just good at assessing what and what is not an indicator.

Meaning, we also give people a chance who appear to be changing, if we can See evidence.

So yeah, all this would lead to a great deal of enthusiasm but also disappointment.
 

Unkindloving

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I'm glad this post was re-stirred.

I definitely find that i will do as much damage control as possible if i am not suffering any consequence. When an issue starts to affect me on a deeper level, i will withdraw.
It's a complete case of wanting anyone else to step up and do some damage control in my place or to damage control me, yet no one does. That is disappointing in itself. That causes me to withdraw even more due to a need for self-preservation.

Situations are then put in question. People are put in question. Friendships... Trust... Everything.
It makes me want to kick my Se into overdrive to just forget the connections until it passes by. I'm there right now, actually.
 

BlackCat

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They cut themselves. :ninja:

But really. My mom tends to do that questioning thing that unkindloving mentioned. It's like she has everything planned out mentally; and when that doesn't happen she doesn't know what to think.
 

Unkindloving

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They cut themselves. :ninja:

But really. My mom tends to do that questioning thing that unkindloving mentioned. It's like she has everything planned out mentally; and when that doesn't happen she doesn't know what to think.

You're a jerk :laugh: ... because when i first read the title i wanted to post this: :emot-emo:
 

ldesign

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18 months later

Wow, was a blast from the past. I had written to this thread well over a year ago, and long forgotten about it. Now this really proves that our personality characteristics really don't change. Even though in that time I've changed jobs, relationships, and even move across the country, I find myself in a very similar situation of being dissapointed that others don't act with as much conviction as we ENFJ's do.

My recent situation leaves me struggling with trying not play "mom" over my boyfriend who is having financial problems. I think it may be an ENFJ characteristic that I am able to think of several ways he could plan, number crunch, and get himself out of trouble - the frustration comes from his very slow responses to action. But this is with other too, not just my boyfriend. It is hard not to judge the original ignorance that leads others into compromising situations - bad health, rising dept, cheating relationships gone bad.

Meditation used to help a lot with keeping the focus on myself and displace the frustration - has anyone else found a good coping mechanism that will help me not over-judge and nag my way straight out of my relationship?
 

Unkindloving

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:) Oh i'm glad to see it dragged you back here though!

Hmm. That's a difficult situation because it's your boyfriend. In a way, you're doomed to care about how he is functioning and therefor doomed to focusing on it. What type is he, if you know? That could prove helpful, especially if you can't help but make suggestions at times.
Otherwise, i've found i cope the best through journals and creative expression. If i have something artsy to focus on then it can distract from most anything else. If i need an excuse, it will be to make something for someone else.
 

ldesign

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I recently made him take a myers briggs because part of the issue is that he wants a career change, but is unsure, and fearfull to change and not be happy. Anyway he is an ESTJ. I read the profile and it is him to a tee - sensitive, but extremely caring about his relationships and holds his values in very high regard. I think I'll read some more on this thread http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/sj-guardhouse/17823-ask-estj.html

Funny you mentioned the creative outlet...as you can imagine from my screen name - I am a designer, so I become engrossed in many distracting projects ;)
 

Julie Le

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my personality type is Enfj, so personally when i deal with disappointment i just usually set it aside, step out of my bubble, and realize that people are different and that they don't have the same potential/mindset as myself, then accepts it.. but i will still "build that wall" :)
optimism ftw! C:
 

Malkavia

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So, how can we (as other people and other personality types) keep you from getting disappointed?

I know you will be from time to time, it happens. But most of these problems seem to deal with people and having them "take the reigns" so to speak. How can we help?
 

Unkindloving

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So, how can we (as other people and other personality types) keep you from getting disappointed?

I know you will be from time to time, it happens. But most of these problems seem to deal with people and having them "take the reigns" so to speak. How can we help?

If a disappointing situation can't be avoided- communication, reassurance, and validation.
If you're a source of disappointment, communicate it and seek to discuss as soon as possible. If you come to us, the disappointment will be quicker lifted.
If you're a spectator to disappointment, reassure and validate our feelings even if you have to tell us what we don't want to hear or believe. Never tell us to just not care. It doesn't work that way and has the potential to make us feel worse because we don't have that off switch.
This is a great example from March between myself and my ENFP-
If i say "Matthew, i think this and that and these things and this thought hinders that and that thought hinders this!" he'll say "Lauren, you're thinking too much and your thinking is hindering all action. Lower standards or aim higher. Consider doing." He sees the difficulty, but sees the progression outweighing the hold-up.
As an ENFJ, i surround myself with people who are able to say that they understand why i feel a certain way and that they know i can't turn it off / it may be warranted, but to try. We get defensive with being told what to do, so we need that kind of cushion.
I personally read into details and am very wordy. If something isn't explained in any form of a way i like, then i'll block it out by default. That extra effort and understanding is needed when we are low, especially when that effort is the majority of the ENFJ basis.
 

Malkavia

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If a disappointing situation can't be avoided- communication, reassurance, and validation.
If you're a source of disappointment, communicate it and seek to discuss as soon as possible. If you come to us, the disappointment will be quicker lifted.
If you're a spectator to disappointment, reassure and validate our feelings even if you have to tell us what we don't want to hear or believe. Never tell us to just not care. It doesn't work that way and has the potential to make us feel worse because we don't have that off switch.
This is a great example from March between myself and my ENFP-

As an ENFJ, i surround myself with people who are able to say that they understand why i feel a certain way and that they know i can't turn it off / it may be warranted, but to try. We get defensive with being told what to do, so we need that kind of cushion.
I personally read into details and am very wordy. If something isn't explained in any form of a way i like, then i'll block it out by default. That extra effort and understanding is needed when we are low, especially when that effort is the majority of the ENFJ basis.

[Even though Im replying to this, ENFJs feel free to keep responding.]

I can totally see this! Especially in an ENFP/ENFJ dynamic.

My ENFJ friend sometimes worries too much or looks too far into things. Usually I just want to say, "Who cares? It doesnt matter, let things fall as they may and move on."

Obviously is doesnt work that way for you guys. Thats an interesting point. One of those things where you knew but never realized it till it was said to you.

When you say validate feelings do you mean let them know it will be ok? Agree with them? Try to understand and be empathic but still stand your ground? Or what?
 

Unkindloving

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[Even though Im replying to this, ENFJs feel free to keep responding.]

I can totally see this! Especially in an ENFP/ENFJ dynamic.

My ENFJ friend sometimes worries too much or looks too far into things. Usually I just want to say, "Who cares? It doesnt matter, let things fall as they may and move on."

Obviously is doesnt work that way for you guys. Thats an interesting point. One of those things where you knew but never realized it till it was said to you.

When you say validate feelings do you mean let them know it will be ok? Agree with them? Try to understand and be empathic but still stand your ground? Or what?

I'd venture to say that ENFJs have a hard time shutting off their intuition and will roll with it until we hit a brick wall. When in a bad state, rolling with it can paralyze and put us on repeat. If that keeps up beyond reassuring/validating, it could be best to let us just run our course and remind yourself that we'll shut up someday :laugh:

Letting us know it will be okay is very good. Definitely the showing of empathy while standing ground. Don't agree with us if it's not sincere, even if you just have to tack on an "I understand, but...."
One thing INFPs tend to do to me is tell me that i don't know what will happen and they've got this underlying expectation that all will be resolved and back to normal. Their optimism is nice at times, but with the ENFJ intuition (if it tends to be correct) their optimism is infuriating.
INTPs are like the soft-Ts when it comes to ENFJs. From my experience, they may not understand it and may feel the need to say wait it out and you never know, but their curiosity and ability to listen makes that okay.
Every dynamic is interesting :yes:
 

Yloh

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I use to really try hard to change what I could not control. Even today, I will at least give people some general advice, so I know they can have some good advise that could be benificial to them.

Going into Se mode does help out some, but my dissapoitment can come back to haunt me if it is a big deal.

Today, it is becoming easier for me to just allow things to run their course and worry about my problems.

Looking at the issues at every angle helps me to understand the problem better and it also helps me to allow the situation to go with the flow.

One big thing is learning how to let go what you have no control over.
 
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