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  1. #1
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    Default How do ENFJ's deal with being dissapointed?

    Hello. New to the group and introducing myself. I've come in search of introspective information on dealing with being an ENFJ.

    I have read articles dissecting my personality type, and I can say that these things are very true: I'm extremely reliable, ambitious, and approach things is a caring way - caring to me means not being biased and being able to explain a situation from all sides of the coin in order to help others understand. I also associate caring and thoughtfulness with planning.

    I sometimes feel drained by being able to counsel others, but not being able to find anyone that has the want to know what is going on with me. I think ENFJís might seem like they are independent ad strong willed and therefore no one worries about them. What I think we really want is for someone to admire all of those things that make us ENFJ, to covet that, and to want to know all about us. But we wonít divulge much without you gaining our trust and admiration, because we fear disappointment that you are not truly interested.

    I also have high expectations for other people. I run into trouble in my relationships, friendships, and work by being eternally disappointed when others don't live up to my expectations of ambition, or what I expect for reciprocity in caring. Although I tend to not see this as a negative thing, but rather that I would be disrepecting myself if I didn't expect someone to act as thoughtfully toward me as I would toward them. Similarly I expect others at work to stay late to finish a project, or I expect my friends to return calls, show up when they say they will, etc. I am understanding and patient, but if I am disappointed too many times I pretend to build a wall and block those people out. I say pretend, because I really want them to come at my wall with a hammer...which never happens deepening the disappointment.

    Ok, so you get the picture...How do ENFJ's deal with being disappointed?

    In reading these blogs I see that a lot of people have frustrations with ENFJ's. I'm here to help if there is any insight I can give on they way we tick.

    Thanks and Hello!

  2. #2
    Junior Member amorali's Avatar
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    Welcome.

  3. #3
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Hey welcome, well I know exactly what you mean. To me it has been with a little more personal growth on my own to not put this kind of expectations on other people. Not everyone thinks like I do and its unreasonable to get mad at someone for not returning your call at a set amount of time or to have any other kind of high level expectancy. Itís not to say that I still donít do it because I do catch myself from time to time expecting certain and not receiving it in return, but I always remind myself that I need to be more reasonable. I also understand what you mean by wanting to share your inner self with someone else, the issue is that you don't want to talk to anyone about it because you want that other person to seem interested enough to ask you instead of you telling them, you want them to genuinely care. I guess I have learned that sometimes is best to just talk things out than keeping things sealed inside of you, itís not always the best thing to do just store away those feelings, In my case they have come back to bite me in the ass. Did I say welcome aboard? Nice meeting you.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

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  4. #4
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Hello and welcome.
    ENFJs are flavour of the month around here.

    Disappointment is the price NFs pay for having too much faith in humanity. The alternative is cynicism. You're better off with disappointment.

    Also, I would say it is always a bad idea to expect others to be attuned to what you need and then disappointed when they don't provide it without being asked. Most people don't have the sort of empathy and insight that you may have so it's best to be very clear about what you need and want in a relationship so that there is less opportunity for misunderstanding and hurt. I know this is easier said than done, but I have seen positive results when other ENFs have taken a more directive approach.

    Hope that helps!

  5. #5
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ldesign View Post
    Hello. New to the group and introducing myself. I've come in search of introspective information on dealing with being an ENFJ.
    ...

    Ok, so you get the picture...How do ENFJ's deal with being disappointed?

    In reading these blogs I see that a lot of people have frustrations with ENFJ's. I'm here to help if there is any insight I can give on they way we tick.

    Thanks and Hello!
    One ENFJ I know breaks things, and the other one is self-destructive.
    Is that what you meant?

    Oh! Welcome to the forum.

  6. #6
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Moved from Intros because you'll get a better response here.

  7. #7
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    Oh wow, thank you so much for the responses. You are awesome!

    Just this morning I had an incident that really tested me, and surely disappointed me. BlueMonday: You are right! I do choose disappointment over cynicism. I think being cynical makes me feel weak or not self aware, as does being angry. Dissapointment leaves me feeling like I did all that I could (or should) do and I can at least feel good about that.

    I think the biggest struggle is deciding which people or situations are worth it to
    be very clear about what you need and want in a relationship so that there is less opportunity for misunderstanding and hurt.
    I think sometimes we just wish get tired and want something to work out without all the effort! But I had decided to be very clear and open is my most recent relationship. Even though I decided that at this point in his life he could not be the person I wanted, I think by being open about it I at least was able to get a clear picture early enough to realize it.

    He admitted he can be a contradiction a lot of times and the people he cares about suffer because of it. Do other ENFJ's have a hard time taking people at their word and base character judgments on people's actions?? And if these two things contradict each other, I get very skeptical. Do others get this way as well??

  8. #8
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    How do ENFJ's deal with being disappointed? Not very well. Especially if its a person.
    Or myself.

    Quote Originally Posted by ldesign View Post
    Do other ENFJ's have a hard time taking people at their word and base character judgments on people's actions?? And if these two things contradict each other, I get very skeptical. Do others get this way as well??
    It sounds as though you speak of trust... and yes, I have this problem too.

    ENFJs are known to have the most resilient opinions of people of all the types. But we are really good at reading people, and experience teaches us that our intuition is fairly precise...

    Plus we really want to see people change and grow, so I do think we get real excited when we do see those "growth" earmarked behaviors, we are just good at assessing what and what is not an indicator.

    Meaning, we also give people a chance who appear to be changing, if we can See evidence.

    So yeah, all this would lead to a great deal of enthusiasm but also disappointment.

  9. #9
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    I'm glad this post was re-stirred.

    I definitely find that i will do as much damage control as possible if i am not suffering any consequence. When an issue starts to affect me on a deeper level, i will withdraw.
    It's a complete case of wanting anyone else to step up and do some damage control in my place or to damage control me, yet no one does. That is disappointing in itself. That causes me to withdraw even more due to a need for self-preservation.

    Situations are then put in question. People are put in question. Friendships... Trust... Everything.
    It makes me want to kick my Se into overdrive to just forget the connections until it passes by. I'm there right now, actually.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

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    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

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  10. #10
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    They cut themselves.

    But really. My mom tends to do that questioning thing that unkindloving mentioned. It's like she has everything planned out mentally; and when that doesn't happen she doesn't know what to think.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

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