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  1. #11
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    They cut themselves.

    But really. My mom tends to do that questioning thing that unkindloving mentioned. It's like she has everything planned out mentally; and when that doesn't happen she doesn't know what to think.
    You're a jerk ... because when i first read the title i wanted to post this:
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  2. #12
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    Default 18 months later

    Wow, was a blast from the past. I had written to this thread well over a year ago, and long forgotten about it. Now this really proves that our personality characteristics really don't change. Even though in that time I've changed jobs, relationships, and even move across the country, I find myself in a very similar situation of being dissapointed that others don't act with as much conviction as we ENFJ's do.

    My recent situation leaves me struggling with trying not play "mom" over my boyfriend who is having financial problems. I think it may be an ENFJ characteristic that I am able to think of several ways he could plan, number crunch, and get himself out of trouble - the frustration comes from his very slow responses to action. But this is with other too, not just my boyfriend. It is hard not to judge the original ignorance that leads others into compromising situations - bad health, rising dept, cheating relationships gone bad.

    Meditation used to help a lot with keeping the focus on myself and displace the frustration - has anyone else found a good coping mechanism that will help me not over-judge and nag my way straight out of my relationship?

  3. #13
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Oh i'm glad to see it dragged you back here though!

    Hmm. That's a difficult situation because it's your boyfriend. In a way, you're doomed to care about how he is functioning and therefor doomed to focusing on it. What type is he, if you know? That could prove helpful, especially if you can't help but make suggestions at times.
    Otherwise, i've found i cope the best through journals and creative expression. If i have something artsy to focus on then it can distract from most anything else. If i need an excuse, it will be to make something for someone else.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  4. #14
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    I recently made him take a myers briggs because part of the issue is that he wants a career change, but is unsure, and fearfull to change and not be happy. Anyway he is an ESTJ. I read the profile and it is him to a tee - sensitive, but extremely caring about his relationships and holds his values in very high regard. I think I'll read some more on this thread http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/sj-guardhouse/17823-ask-estj.html

    Funny you mentioned the creative outlet...as you can imagine from my screen name - I am a designer, so I become engrossed in many distracting projects

  5. #15
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    my personality type is Enfj, so personally when i deal with disappointment i just usually set it aside, step out of my bubble, and realize that people are different and that they don't have the same potential/mindset as myself, then accepts it.. but i will still "build that wall" (:
    optimism ftw! C:

  6. #16
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    So, how can we (as other people and other personality types) keep you from getting disappointed?

    I know you will be from time to time, it happens. But most of these problems seem to deal with people and having them "take the reigns" so to speak. How can we help?

  7. #17
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malkavia View Post
    So, how can we (as other people and other personality types) keep you from getting disappointed?

    I know you will be from time to time, it happens. But most of these problems seem to deal with people and having them "take the reigns" so to speak. How can we help?
    If a disappointing situation can't be avoided- communication, reassurance, and validation.
    If you're a source of disappointment, communicate it and seek to discuss as soon as possible. If you come to us, the disappointment will be quicker lifted.
    If you're a spectator to disappointment, reassure and validate our feelings even if you have to tell us what we don't want to hear or believe. Never tell us to just not care. It doesn't work that way and has the potential to make us feel worse because we don't have that off switch.
    This is a great example from March between myself and my ENFP-
    If i say "Matthew, i think this and that and these things and this thought hinders that and that thought hinders this!" he'll say "Lauren, you're thinking too much and your thinking is hindering all action. Lower standards or aim higher. Consider doing." He sees the difficulty, but sees the progression outweighing the hold-up.
    As an ENFJ, i surround myself with people who are able to say that they understand why i feel a certain way and that they know i can't turn it off / it may be warranted, but to try. We get defensive with being told what to do, so we need that kind of cushion.
    I personally read into details and am very wordy. If something isn't explained in any form of a way i like, then i'll block it out by default. That extra effort and understanding is needed when we are low, especially when that effort is the majority of the ENFJ basis.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  8. #18
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    If a disappointing situation can't be avoided- communication, reassurance, and validation.
    If you're a source of disappointment, communicate it and seek to discuss as soon as possible. If you come to us, the disappointment will be quicker lifted.
    If you're a spectator to disappointment, reassure and validate our feelings even if you have to tell us what we don't want to hear or believe. Never tell us to just not care. It doesn't work that way and has the potential to make us feel worse because we don't have that off switch.
    This is a great example from March between myself and my ENFP-

    As an ENFJ, i surround myself with people who are able to say that they understand why i feel a certain way and that they know i can't turn it off / it may be warranted, but to try. We get defensive with being told what to do, so we need that kind of cushion.
    I personally read into details and am very wordy. If something isn't explained in any form of a way i like, then i'll block it out by default. That extra effort and understanding is needed when we are low, especially when that effort is the majority of the ENFJ basis.
    [Even though Im replying to this, ENFJs feel free to keep responding.]

    I can totally see this! Especially in an ENFP/ENFJ dynamic.

    My ENFJ friend sometimes worries too much or looks too far into things. Usually I just want to say, "Who cares? It doesnt matter, let things fall as they may and move on."

    Obviously is doesnt work that way for you guys. Thats an interesting point. One of those things where you knew but never realized it till it was said to you.

    When you say validate feelings do you mean let them know it will be ok? Agree with them? Try to understand and be empathic but still stand your ground? Or what?

  9. #19
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malkavia View Post
    [Even though Im replying to this, ENFJs feel free to keep responding.]

    I can totally see this! Especially in an ENFP/ENFJ dynamic.

    My ENFJ friend sometimes worries too much or looks too far into things. Usually I just want to say, "Who cares? It doesnt matter, let things fall as they may and move on."

    Obviously is doesnt work that way for you guys. Thats an interesting point. One of those things where you knew but never realized it till it was said to you.

    When you say validate feelings do you mean let them know it will be ok? Agree with them? Try to understand and be empathic but still stand your ground? Or what?
    I'd venture to say that ENFJs have a hard time shutting off their intuition and will roll with it until we hit a brick wall. When in a bad state, rolling with it can paralyze and put us on repeat. If that keeps up beyond reassuring/validating, it could be best to let us just run our course and remind yourself that we'll shut up someday

    Letting us know it will be okay is very good. Definitely the showing of empathy while standing ground. Don't agree with us if it's not sincere, even if you just have to tack on an "I understand, but...."
    One thing INFPs tend to do to me is tell me that i don't know what will happen and they've got this underlying expectation that all will be resolved and back to normal. Their optimism is nice at times, but with the ENFJ intuition (if it tends to be correct) their optimism is infuriating.
    INTPs are like the soft-Ts when it comes to ENFJs. From my experience, they may not understand it and may feel the need to say wait it out and you never know, but their curiosity and ability to listen makes that okay.
    Every dynamic is interesting
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  10. #20
    Senior Member Yloh's Avatar
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    I use to really try hard to change what I could not control. Even today, I will at least give people some general advice, so I know they can have some good advise that could be benificial to them.

    Going into Se mode does help out some, but my dissapoitment can come back to haunt me if it is a big deal.

    Today, it is becoming easier for me to just allow things to run their course and worry about my problems.

    Looking at the issues at every angle helps me to understand the problem better and it also helps me to allow the situation to go with the flow.

    One big thing is learning how to let go what you have no control over.

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