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  1. #1
    Senior Member niki's Avatar
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    Default what to do to eliminate indecisive & wishy-washy attitude?

    have you often felt that, while you're still producing very 'little' result in life , as a result of being generally "lazy" to do the details-process, and also too-much thinking but little to no "real actions" , yet, it's added furthermore by you're being soo "OPEN" to so many possibilities & also people's opinions , that resulted in a furthermore your "indecisive" and "wishy-washy" attitude ?
    i know , probably not all INFPs who experienced this.. but just by some threads i've seen in this board, and also MBTI Central's NF forum, i bet there're probably a lot of INFPs who experienced this same frustrating-dilemma!

    i've just talked to my dad last night,..and he doesn't seem too happy to see how "little" i've progressed (and that even NOT according to his 'standard' yet! i'm still "nothing" to his eyes!)

    after thoroughly analyzing it over & over again last night before i slept, i've figured that "trying to please everyone" and "too-damn scared/afraid of conflict & confrontation" , are probably my two main weaknesses!
    and that's because i've figured that the "root problem" is that I am confused as what's really the "rightest" thing to do in this frustrating-world, mainly (and sadly) , i still don't have a STRONG PRINCIPLE of myself, that i can boldy defendit , regardless if it'll make people close to me disagree or dislike/hate me!

    i know that my surrounding people seems more to go 'against' me ,
    but i sometimes even feel that they're probably the "right" one , not me, since their talks seems rooted in more realisticmanner , instead of just "abstract" talks & meanings like i often did when i'm talking.

    heck, my Dad even doesn't care of how my "feelings" is, my "values" is, to him, all is just 'bla bla bla' if at this point of time, i still don't have a big, glimmering career that can make big money (because Money is the most important thing in life, especially when i'll start a family, buy house, buy car, that's what he said).

    i'm sorry, i've rambled far too-much..

    but yeah, if anybody here can relate, or ever experienced it, please share it.

    and most importantly is, for those of you who've experienced this feelings, but also have succesfully battled (or managed) it, please,..i need to know the solution.

    probably the bottom-line is: how can i be more firm & have strongest faith in my own's Life principle , without being easily 'swayed' by people's opinions & perspectives ?

    thanks.

  2. #2
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niki View Post
    have you often felt that, while you're still producing very 'little' result in life , as a result of being generally "lazy" to do the details-process, and also too-much thinking but little to no "real actions" , yet, it's added furthermore by you're being soo "OPEN" to so many possibilities & also people's opinions , that resulted in a furthermore your "indecisive" and "wishy-washy" attitude ?
    Yes, what I found is that, if I didn't have an obvious preference, then I would get bewildered by more and more possibilities.

    (This is basically iNtuition gone sort of nutty, just as an ADD kid can be bombarded by too much Se in a stimulating environment and cannot get anything done -- too much stimulation to choose between!)

    Also, if you don't have an obvious preference, it's easy to simply accommodate other people's preferences as your "holdover" until you run across an actual preference.

    And if you have a mild preference but you value keeping your life simple and conflict-free, you might often just cater to what others want to do if you don't want to risk fighting with them.

    And yes, laziness can also factor into things -- it might be "too much work" to follow your own preferences, and it's easier to have others direct you to accomplish theirs.

    Basically, it comes down to "what do you want more?" An easier life? A more peaceful life? A full table of options? (Because making a commitment when you're not sure will exclude some future options... and you might later regret your choice!) And so on.

    The investment and sacrifice necessary to pursue one's desires sometimes will dwarf the desire for peace and comfort, so people will finally choose to risk what they have for what they want.

    But you have to know what you want. Or be willing to risk even if you're not completely sure.

    i've just talked to my dad last night,..and he doesn't seem too happy to see how "little" i've progressed (and that even NOT according to his 'standard' yet! i'm still "nothing" to his eyes!)
    Well, you should still be something, you are his daughter. You have value to him just because of that. But he is probably worried that you're not achieving what you could, and that you might later regret it; his goal as a parent is to leave you self-sufficient and successful in life, at least by your standard, and sometimes by the parent's standard.

    after thoroughly analyzing it over & over again last night before i slept, i've figured that "trying to please everyone" and "too-damn scared/afraid of conflict & confrontation" , are probably my two main weaknesses!
    That is a good start, then.

    Why do you try to please people? IS it because of reason #2? Or is it as you said here:

    that's because i've figured that the "root problem" is that I am confused as what's really the "rightest" thing to do in this frustrating-world, mainly (and sadly) , i still don't have a STRONG PRINCIPLE of myself, that i can boldy defendit , regardless if it'll make people close to me disagree or dislike/hate me!
    So right now you do not have a conviction for which it is worth risking the things that you do have. So it seems like a bad investment to take a risk for dubious results?

    i know that my surrounding people seems more to go 'against' me ,
    but i sometimes even feel that they're probably the "right" one , not me, since their talks seems rooted in more realisticmanner , instead of just "abstract" talks & meanings like i often did when i'm talking.
    It probably depends on exactly what the goal is. Sometimes practical people are 'right' in terms of what works and doesn't work, but sometimes you have to do something riskier if only to stay true to yourself and be content with your life.

    (i.e., yes, maybe you will have a better career if you pick a job that is in high demand... but if you hate your life, perhaps it's better to pick a less-popular and riskier job that you will love and be dedicated to.)

    heck, my Dad even doesn't care of how my "feelings" is, my "values" is, to him, all is just 'bla bla bla' if at this point of time, i still don't have a big, glimmering career that can make big money (because Money is the most important thing in life, especially when i'll start a family, buy house, buy car, that's what he said).
    Sounds like xSTx at work to me, in general.

    In general, dads are just worried that you won't have what you need to get by. Some dads can be worse and impose themselves on their kids, but mostly what is driving it is that he does not know what else to contribute to you, does not get the "emotional/abstract" stuff, and so he's pushing what he does understand and does well.

    My dad did the same to me, and I did not know what to do when I went to college, so I took Math (because he insisted I do a BS program). It shows you how pathetically uninvolved he was -- he seemed to only be able to give broad advice from afar (and it was more like a command, not advice) but couldn't actually engage to help me work through the BEST solution.

    After two years at school, I realized I didn't like Math as much as I thought, not as a career, and didn't see a happy future in it... but I was a good writer and enjoyed writing. So I switched to English, with a Math minor. I didn't ask him first, I just did it. he never even talked to me about it (which is sort of funny after his earlier adamant attitude).

    probably the bottom-line is: how can i be more firm & have strongest faith in my own's Life principle , without being easily 'swayed' by people's opinions & perspectives ?
    I don't think you can probably withstand much without your own inner code to follow. Because you are a flexer, like most INxPs, and so you will take the path of least resistance if you don't have an inner judgment about something. That's what we do. If we have the judgment, then we're hard to live with sometimes; but if not, or if we see multiple options, we are indifferent to which is selected. Because any of them will do.

    Keep discussing this. It'll take awhile to get to any hard strategies, you probably need to talk through a lot first.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Well, you should still be something, you are his daughter.
    Isn't he a guy? I sense a freudian slip of sorts.

    Other than that, a very insightful post Jennifer.

    Quote Originally Posted by niki View Post
    have you often felt that, while you're still producing very 'little' result in life , as a result of being generally "lazy" to do the details-process, and also too-much thinking but little to no "real actions" , yet, it's added furthermore by you're being soo "OPEN" to so many possibilities & also people's opinions , that resulted in a furthermore your "indecisive" and "wishy-washy" attitude ?
    i know , probably not all INFPs who experienced this.. but just by some threads i've seen in this board, and also MBTI Central's NF forum, i bet there're probably a lot of INFPs who experienced this same frustrating-dilemma!
    Absolutely. In fact, I believe I'm going through a similar experience right now with college.

    and that's because i've figured that the "root problem" is that I am confused as what's really the "rightest" thing to do in this frustrating-world, mainly (and sadly) , i still don't have a STRONG PRINCIPLE of myself, that i can boldy defendit , regardless if it'll make people close to me disagree or dislike/hate me!
    This is where you're going to have to meditate on who you really are and who you want to be. Its very difficult to determine what you want to be professionally if you don't even know who you are. This is especially difficult with our need to please everyone around us; we become emotionally/physically drained and left with no idea what we want to be, only what others want us to be. Also, no mature person will dislike/hate you if you are true to yourself, they just might not agree with you. (BIG difference, I've discovered)

    i know that my surrounding people seems more to go 'against' me ,
    but i sometimes even feel that they're probably the "right" one , not me, since their talks seems rooted in more realisticmanner , instead of just "abstract" talks & meanings like i often did when i'm talking.
    Again, determine who you want to be, and just go for it.

    heck, my Dad even doesn't care of how my "feelings" is, my "values" is, to him, all is just 'bla bla bla' if at this point of time, i still don't have a big, glimmering career that can make big money (because Money is the most important thing in life, especially when i'll start a family, buy house, buy car, that's what he said).
    I'm not sure what cultural identity exists in Indonesia, but if your father persists in pressuring you towards something that you absolutely don't want to do, then I'd suggest explaining to him in a very calm and rational manner what effect he has on you. It sounds to me that the stress he's causing you is really starting to devastate your emotional stability, which is never a good thing.

    i'm sorry, i've rambled far too-much..
    Nonsense.

    probably the bottom-line is: how can i be more firm & have strongest faith in my own's Life principle , without being easily 'swayed' by people's opinions & perspectives ?
    Determine who you want to be, and what you want from life. Then its simply a matter of following through, which, as an INFP, shouldn't be a problem for you (if its truly what you want).


    Edit: It appears you're very interested in music, so something along those lines. Perhaps you can become a professional songwriter (I'm sorry I couldn't listen to your songs. The page doesn't load). Lyrics tend to cover a broad range of subjects, and my guess is that you would do very well there.

  4. #4
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo Genesis View Post
    Isn't he a guy? I sense a freudian slip of sorts.
    DOH!

    My gen-dar is screwy today, forgive me.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #5
    Resident Snot-Nose GZA's Avatar
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    I kind of go through the same things, and I'm hitting a point in my life where I need to make big decisions too. I don't really suffer from laziness, just a lack of motivation or irection. Nothing feels better then doing hard work, it's just kind of hard to do work on things that you don't relate to. I.e. math is impossible to do for me cause it has no releveance to my practical life or even my worldview, while I'm willing to work hard on things that are important to me.

    I'm no expert, but it sound sto me like you havn't created your own principals and worldview and such to live by, and so you are living very passively in accordance with what is around you rather than what is in you. Maybe thats what you were saying all along, but that seems to be the key issue for sure. Neo Genisis was all over that, so I don't have much to say except that when it comes to pleasing everyone, tread lightly. If they hold you self esteem, it will fade away quickly. They can come and go like nothing, so don't lean on that. You should be the only thing in the world you rely on for self esteem.

    My own pattern of motivation I've noticed usually goes something like See what it is>>>See how it can be interpreted>>>>Act on favourite interpretation>>>>Reap the benefits of hard work!

    When this occurs, work does not seem like work... and it isn't quite play either. It just feels very natural. It brings the idealizations into the real world. It's not perfect and it can still be difficult to go from one step to the other, but it has helped me a lot. I still have a long way to go, but I'm beginning to notice how much I've matured since even maybe just one year ago because I'm understanding these things a bit better about myself and the world around me.

  6. #6
    Senior Member niki's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Also, if you don't have an obvious preference, it's easy to simply accommodate other people's preferences as your "holdover" until you run across an actual preference.

    And if you have a mild preference but you value keeping your life simple and conflict-free, you might often just cater to what others want to do if you don't want to risk fighting with them.

    And yes, laziness can also factor into things -- it might be "too much work" to follow your own preferences, and it's easier to have others direct you to accomplish theirs.

    Basically, it comes down to "what do you want more?" An easier life? A more peaceful life? A full table of options? (Because making a commitment when you're not sure will exclude some future options... and you might later regret your choice!) And so on.

    The investment and sacrifice necessary to pursue one's desires sometimes will dwarf the desire for peace and comfort, so people will finally choose to risk what they have for what they want.
    so bottomline is: it's all about choices. what we want to choose. isn't it?
    and would you testify, that to choose the option of "just easily following what others wants you to do", is never a good thing? or it's already 'good' to some people?
    but not with NFs people especially, since they are Idealist & have strong values?



    I don't think you can probably withstand much without your own inner code to follow. Because you are a flexer, like most INxPs, and so you will take the path of least resistance if you don't have an inner judgment about something. That's what we do. If we have the judgment, then we're hard to live with sometimes; but if not, or if we see multiple options, we are indifferent to which is selected. Because any of them will do.

    Keep discussing this. It'll take awhile to get to any hard strategies, you probably need to talk through a lot first.
    can you explain more what you mean in the bolded words of yours above?

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