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Thread: ESFP/ENFP - how to get the ESFP off the ENFP?

  1. #31
    meh Array Salomé's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    5w4 sx/sp


    Quote Originally Posted by booyalab View Post
    Since the solution is so blindingly obvious, it's hard not to assume you're secretly reveling in the predicament.

    What you're basically saying is "how do I get him to stop liking me without making him not like me anymore?"
    Classic ENFP dilemma.

  2. #32
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    Oct 2008


    Shit. Haha ok really, its obvious? Yeah I must be blind. This namby-pamby-ness = my need to remain on good terms with everyone (very stupid I know now).

    So what to do is basically:

    Keep that person as an acquaintence. Be polite. Be firm. Avoid hanging out/anything personal.
    It's a really crappy thing to do to somebody, but I'd recommend avoiding him. Don't answer his calls, don't return his messages, pretend your not there if he shows up at your house. And if you find yourself in a position where you can't avoid him, be cold and distant towards him. You've made yourself clear and if he can't accept that then it's his problem. Wait until he stops trying to get your attention or be around you to start hanging out with him again.
    Right. Ok. Thanks allll.

    Oh, side note:
    it's hard not to assume you're secretly reveling in the predicament.
    Ack ok I probably would have said that myself too, if i just read this thread by some other person and hadn't gone thru this before. But um.. i suppose i'm just a backbone-less person but don't want to have to hurt people's feelings [but YES I know now that it is INEVITABLE if i want this to stop, and it was all my fault in the first place for letting this drag on so friggin long.]

  3. #33
    Nickle Iron Silicone Array Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Jul 2009


    I'm interested in knowing how old you are, but I have a hard time believing that you aren't romantically attracted to him.

    Just the fact alone that you started a thread about him that was so long and detailed raises my eyebrows.

    I fell hard for a man I believe was an ESFP, and my reaction to him(and the way things played out in the beginning) was similar to yours. He had a girl friend. It turned me off. I turned him down. He came back for more. I wondered rather or not he was attempting to charm and manipulate me, so I became very logical in my thinking in an attempt to protect myself from him. I never could have seen us together. I played his game, assuming that's all it was to him. I didn't think he was the committed type, even with that LT gf.

    Nonetheless, I fell in love with him any way. And my biggest regret is that I never told him. I must say that he was the closest thing to a soul mate(if not) I've ever been. Once I realized that he was genuine in his feelings and stopped being skeptical of his motivations, we went together like peanut butter and jelly. Apparently though, in my immaturity, I just couldn't bring myself to believe that I had a romantic friendship with someone who really did understand(or at least accept) who I really was. He was one of the few people that I could really be me with. I mean the real me, without the mask.

    And by the way, I would not have expressed our relationship this way at the time. I figured there was much more, much better out there somehow, and I passed him up to go look for it. It's been nearly 10 years, and that non-committal ESFP is now happily married.

    If any part of you cares for this guy romantically(even if you're denying it to yourself), and you're not looking to get married and pregnant within a year, and you're pretty sure he has enough ethics to not sleep with your sister/mother/or pet, and you can generally be at ease with him(aside from your romantic skepticism), I'd say try him out. What do you have to lose? He could be the most amazing guy you've ever dated, or like all the rest, he could not be. But how will you know if you don't give him a chance? Assuming you're young-er than say 25, I must say that as you age, what you want from a mate generally changes, and no matter how NF you are, there really is no perfect relationship. If he's the amoral lying/stalker type I'd agree to just lose him completely(friendship and all), but based on what you wrote, that's not the case. Does he completely repulse you in some way?

    It took me nearly 2 years to realize(admit) how deeply I felt for my ESFP(after we had both moved on and away). As an SP, he will likely move on. As an NF, you on the other hand, will never forget the missed possibility. Don't let it happen to you.

  4. #34
    RETIRED Array CzeCze's Avatar
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    Sep 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by Twixt View Post
    I am a female ENFP and there's this ESFP guy who seems to be totally into me.
    Sounds familiar, yes, yes...

    I don't like him romantically, and can never picture us together.
    Either way, I do not want to go into a relationship with him. Not now, at least.
    You know you just contradicted yourself in less than 2 paragraphs.

    However, he said straight away that he'd "change" for me, he'd do "anything" for me.
    I am 99% sure I don't believe him, but the part of me that's attuned to 'What Could Be' is holding me back from totally disregarding that statement.
    This is NP super fail! If you allow yourself to continue on this route, you will NEVER get off this roller coaster. You need to make a decision and commit. Period. Otherwise, you are digging your own grave. Stop thinking "what if" and letting that drag your feet or act inconsistent from what it is you really want.

    So my question is, HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP LIKING ME??? How can i get him off me? Without being too mean that things would be awkward between us?
    First, take care of the indecision in yourself. (see above) And don't be selfish. Meaning, the ESFP may very well drop you like a bad habit once he realizes that you have fully and truly rejected his advances and he has no hope in hell of ever being with you. He may also be resentful that he feels somehow (fairly or not) you "led him on" or the blow may just be a lot for him to handle for a while.

    The thing is, that is his right. You have no right to hold back the truth from him because you are afraid of the consequences for you.

    I know I hear people say things like this i.e. "I don't want to hurt them" but really what they are saying often is "I can't stand someone being angry at me or thinking I am a bad person or losing someone in my life."

    If it is truly him you are worried for, then tell him the truth. Sooner than later. Say it any way you like. The truth itself will be "blunt" enough, you have to make sure it is clear. As long as you are not unecessarily rude, insulting, or hurtful, that'll do the trick. If he is ESFP he is possibly even more sensitive than an ENFP and that's just the way he is, so you can try to use that ENFP find a really gentle way of saying it. But I think in cases like these what's more important is to be clear.

    Because at least if he thinks you are an insensitive jerk in the way you tell him, he can do himself a favor and stop talking to you under the false hope that you will like him. And then for you - voila! - problem solved!

    And very important, once you tell him this - do NOT, I repeat, do NOT waffle back and start back on this roller coaster.

    The situation you described sounds textbook XNFP. You have to be firm and clear, early on, the first time, and let the chips fall where they may.

    If you don't commit you end up doing both of you a disservice.

    Good luck! Let us know how it turns out!
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux


  5. #35
    Senior Member Array Chloe's Avatar
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    May 2009


    op is obviously intp. not enfp. nd it is really really old thread.

    its so funny when i find some old thread and there the thread opener says "I'm ABCD, I so typical ABCD blah blah" but next his name is something completely opposite, lik Type: DCBA much for relience on this all thing

  6. #36
    RETIRED Array CzeCze's Avatar
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    Sep 2007


    OMG - this IS an old thread! LOLOLOL. I replied over a year after the OP and I don't see that member even post anymore.

    Perceptive Chloee.

    Me on the other hand? Super S fail?

    My response still stands for anyone who has the OP's problem.

    You can't have your cake and eat it too. Don't play with people like that.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux


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