[MBTI General] NF and SP Friendships

[soleil]

There was no expectations. I put no pressure on her at all. I never asked her to go to any place that interested me before, but I always go to all the places she wants to go. I was stupid to even ask her, we don't even have similar interests. She likes radio and MTV music, and the music is nothing at all like that. A text saying she can't go would be perfectly fine.

I can relate somewhat. The only reason I would skirt an invite like she is doing is if I feel the expectations of the other person are too high and I freak out due to the pressure. I would just ask her straight up if she wants to go or not and tell her what you told us. I agree with you that sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our friends and do things for them that we do not always enjoy. At the same time, I think it would have been different if she had simply told you that she did not want to go in the first place. I would never want someone to come to an event with me because they felt guilty or like they owed me.

 

[Jeffster]

Okay, I take it back. No hard feelings?

Not yet, but you got any pics?

 

[soleil]

Oh no, . I had no plans like that. I was more thinking about the actual event. I didn't even think about her in the equation. I was thinking more along the lines of "I wonder how the weather will be..." "What should I wear". I wish I re-phrased everything. She is the one that likes to plan things so, that's how I was catering to her not the other way around. I express myself better in person than in writing. :-/

That's very strange, actually. I don't really think like you do. I actually don't mind being informed that someone wants me to be at a certain place at a certain time in advance, but I really hate the idea of being expected to plan out in detail exactly how I'm going to do it, and what I'm going to need to do in order to do it, that far ahead of time (although I might think about what I'm likely to do intermittently so I'll be ready to go when it's time). That would make me feel trapped on a very narrow path, and the intensity of the expectation would likely make me so nervous that I'd blow it off just so I wouldn't have to think about it.

What's interesting is, I did something much like what you describe to an xNxP friend a while back... that is, I got freaked out when I realized all of a sudden they expected me to know a lot of exact things about how I was going to get there more than a week in advance, and it caused me to just decide not to go, even though I had wanted to when they'd asked before. I think I tend to prefer to have planned what I'm going to do and when, but asking me to commit to a plan about how would freak me out. I tend not to feel committed to plans with friends as I do with things like school or goals I've set for myself, and I don't really hold friends to tentative plans to meet me at a place, either. I just sort of expect them to understand if something else comes up that I want to do (yes, like watching a television program even), rather than demanding a commitment.

I'm an INJ (AFAIK)... and I know another INJ who complained about an ISJ they knew expecting them to have all the details and processes in time worked out ahead of time, rather than just a plan of the end result they expected in terms of location in space and time. I think it might be a bit of an Si/Ne vs. Ni/Se thing. The longer I watch types, the more evidence I see of that division being valid, although hard to discern immediately.

The most surprising thing in your story is that an ESFP wants to watch television... I always thought sitting at home watching television was more a Ni/Si thing than an SP thing??

 

[Lizzy1813]

Lizzy, I rather not. I am not a pushy person and prefer not to bring up plans again. If she would just tell me "no" that would be perfectly fine with me. It's funny because I'm the most flexible person, if you can't or don't feel like doing something I really don't care. People usually make plans with me, and I didn't mention this, but a few years ago she said she'd meet me at some lounge and she never left the house because it was raining and didn't want to mess up her hair. I was stuck out there on my birthday soaked and alone. She would bend over backwards for a guy though. The reason I am bothered is because I don't think she is considering my feelings.

Okay, yeah, that's the way it is with me too. Me, Ms. So-Flexible-Why-Don't-You-Ever-Make-A-Decision, and my friend, Ms. Good-At-Planning-Stuff. And I typically don't mind it (rarely, though, I do...usually only then 'cause I want her to know my feelings without my telling her), so I get what you're saying. All-in-all a good team, but occasional clashes.

 

[Jeffster]

Wow.

Let's see. I spend a lot of time pacing back and forth when I'm daydreaming. I often listen to a song I like over and over again several times in a row liking the effect it has on my mood, trying to get a feel for all the emotional tones in it. I often rabidly refresh the "New Posts" section of what ever message board I'm on to see if anything new has been posted. I often get really into a particular thing, like configuring my computer, playing video games, researching a particular system or topic to death, watching television, chatting on AIM... for a long time, and fixate on it for a while (like maybe the majority of my free time for several months) until I get bored and move on to something else, maybe coming back to one of them after a while, but tending to focus intently on a few of them at a time, tending to drop whichever ones I'm not as interested in at the moment.

Okay, when you are caught up in one of these activities, do you sometimes wait to go to the bathroom until your bladder and/or colon are causing you large amounts of physical pain because you don't wanna leave the computer/television/pacing area long enough to empty your system?

 

[niffer]

Lol, I'm pretty sure this isn't type related. It doesn't really sound like common ESFP behaviour (they might forget, but not purposefully screen you), or any specific type's behaviour at all. Maybe P-ness at the most.

I have plenty of ESFP friends, but none that are extremely close to me (that I know of at least).

But like if you have a problem with your friend you should go flame her/bitch her out later. What's the point of being close friends if you can't tell each other how they make you feel? Tell her that next time if she decides she wants to bail out coz she doesn't wanna go, to just fuckin tell you.

People usually make plans with me, and I didn't mention this, but a few years ago she said she'd meet me at some lounge and she never left the house because it was raining and didn't want to mess up her hair. I was stuck out there on my birthday soaked and alone. She would bend over backwards for a guy though. The reason I am bothered is because I don't think she is considering my feelings.

=_____=

Why are you even friends?

 

[Googly_Eyes]

xSFPs are Ps first and Fs second.

 

[Jeffster]

xSFPs are Ps first and Fs second.

Hmmm...I dunno, I think mine kinda alternate which is first and which is second. Or work in tandem. I dunno. I'm pretty F'ed up, though.

 

[wolfy]

Hmmm...I dunno, I think mine kinda alternate which is first and which is second. Or work in tandem. I dunno. I'm pretty F'ed up, though.

I'm so P you'd think I was hooked on meth.




SPOILER ALERT
Methamphetamines street name is P in NZ.

 

[Googly_Eyes]

I approve of your word (letter?) play.

Hmmm...I dunno, I think mine kinda alternate which is first and which is second. Or work in tandem. I dunno. I'm pretty F'ed up, though.

I just mean that the S temperaments are different than the N temperaments. N temperaments are identified with the F/T preference while S temperaments are identified with the S/J preference. NFs are idealistic before they organize/drift according to their J/P whereas SPs act impulsively before they personalize/rationalize according to their F/T.

Basically, the OP shouldn't be concerned that her friend doesn't care about her because that's not what her friend's actions are saying. An SP not doing something he/she don't want to do is not something to feel insulted by.

 

[wolfy]

Getting back to the OP your friend sounds pretty flaky whatever type she is. Just be clear that she understands then leave it alone.She probably doesn't want to go but feels she should so is having a hard time saying no.

Maybe you should just cut her loose?

Although I'm a guy and all my friends are activity specific.

 

[sarah]

I wasn't trying to categorize all ESFP's or SP's or anybody. I know everyone is an individual with different perspectives/experiences. I just wanted to put that info in there, thought it'll help.

Yeah, I don't know that it helps to pin traits like inconsiderateness on any one type. It sounds to me like your friend is self-centered and maybe doesn't realize it. Could you simply tell her in a kind way how her actions make you feel? I admit I can be pretty self-centered too. Although I recognize that in myself, I still sometimes forget about others' needs and just consider my own. When others tell me how my actions affect them, though, that changes my behavior. I really don't want to have a negative impact on others.

By the way, I have a very close friend who's an INFP who has no clue as to how inconsiderate she can be at times. We'll invite her over for dinner and she'll call a long while after she was expected to show up to say that she was feeling too stressed out by her job and wanted to stay home. So we've gone to all the trouble to make this great dinner for someone who not only doesn't feel "up to" showing up but who couldn't be bothered to call earlier to cancel. She has done this repeatedly, so that whenever we decide have her over, we usually invite other people so that if she doesn't show up, we can divide the leftover food between us all. Sometimes she calls late to cancel and other times she doesn't even bother calling, or she'll call the next day when we're at work and leave a note on our answering machine. We love this woman, and consider that this is just something we have to put up with because she's our friend. If we got mad at her for it, she'd only beat herself up for it, and she's already going to therapy for lots of other issues -- so we choose not to make it an issue.

As for SP-NF friendships, it's not only possible, it can be delightful. My best friend is my ENFJ husband.

Sarah
ISFP

 

[booyalab]

Shouldn't friends compromise and make the best of things because of friendship???

I think in most relationships, unless you're really lucky, there's always going to be one person who cares more and compromises more than the other. You can't make someone like you enough to be the way you'd like them to be. So maybe you should accept the fact that your friend is probably going to flake out and find someone else to go with who won't.

 

[soleil]

You are right on about that. She is self-centered and often doesn't realize how she can make someone else feel. For a year I didn't speak to her because of how she was, but she contacted me and we started hanging out again. She tells me all the time how grateful she is that we are friends. I am her only friend. One thing I noticed about her is she NEEDS a man all the time. She can't be alone, and looks for anyone to be her boyfriend. So, when one comes her way, she doesn't know how to act. Oh, well...if she wants to talk to me she'll have to contact me. I can be so forgiving, and it sucks for me. Thanks for the advice.

Yeah, I don't know that it helps to pin traits like inconsiderateness on any one type. It sounds to me like your friend is self-centered and maybe doesn't realize it. Could you simply tell her in a kind way how her actions make you feel? I admit I can be pretty self-centered too. Although I recognize that in myself, I still sometimes forget about others' needs and just consider my own. When others tell me how my actions affect them, though, that changes my behavior. I really don't want to have a negative impact on others.

By the way, I have a very close friend who's an INFP who has no clue as to how inconsiderate she can be at times. We'll invite her over for dinner and she'll call a long while after she was expected to show up to say that she was feeling too stressed out by her job and wanted to stay home. So we've gone to all the trouble to make this great dinner for someone who not only doesn't feel "up to" showing up but who couldn't be bothered to call earlier to cancel. She has done this repeatedly, so that whenever we decide have her over, we usually invite other people so that if she doesn't show up, we can divide the leftover food between us all. Sometimes she calls late to cancel and other times she doesn't even bother calling, or she'll call the next day when we're at work and leave a note on our answering machine. We love this woman, and consider that this is just something we have to put up with because she's our friend. If we got mad at her for it, she'd only beat herself up for it, and she's already going to therapy for lots of other issues -- so we choose not to make it an issue.

As for SP-NF friendships, it's not only possible, it can be delightful. My best friend is my ENFJ husband.

Sarah
ISFP

 

[soleil]

I agree. I think I overwhelm her a little because I'm into so many things. She doesn't really have many interests or hobbies. She likes hanging with me since I'm exciting and interesting to her. I don't want to make her do anything she doesn't want to do. All I wanted was some consideration. Text me saying you can't go! lol. I should find someone else to go with. This is weird, but I've been told by an ESFP girl that she feels like she has to compete with me. Why would she say that? I just do my own thing and would expect her to do the same thing.

I think in most relationships, unless you're really lucky, there's always going to be one person who cares more and compromises more than the other. You can't make someone like you enough to be the way you'd like them to be. So maybe you should accept the fact that your friend is probably going to flake out and find someone else to go with who won't.

 

[soleil]

I did flame her ass out . Thanks girly!

Lol, I'm pretty sure this isn't type related. It doesn't really sound like common ESFP behaviour (they might forget, but not purposefully screen you), or any specific type's behaviour at all. Maybe P-ness at the most.

I have plenty of ESFP friends, but none that are extremely close to me (that I know of at least).

But like if you have a problem with your friend you should go flame her/bitch her out later. What's the point of being close friends if you can't tell each other how they make you feel? Tell her that next time if she decides she wants to bail out coz she doesn't wanna go, to just fuckin tell you.




=_____=

Why are you even friends?

 

[niffer]

^

Haha, glad to hear it.