[NF] Comforting NFs

[Domino]

talk to best friend briefly (only if it is something absolutely horrible) and then get over it in about 5 minutes lol

My ENFP twin, LadyJaye, can't hold on to an angry mood for very long either. If we fight, and we both go storming off, her cooling period is about, 10-20 minutes tops. Mine? I'm not telling.

 

[Anja]

When I'm upset I don't want "fixing. I don't want explanations or excuses or anyone assuming that I am blaming them for my upset.

I just want affirmation that I am upset about something. That goes a long way toward helping me figure out what feeling state is up front. Then I need to do something about it.

 

[sade]

Let me hide in my cave for awhile, don't touch me yet. I need that moment to digest things. Go through my feelings without others' feelings affecting what I'm feeling. And truly to go through things.

Then when I crawl out and you are a close person to me: hug me, hold me. There isn't need for words unless you feel the need to express them; I'd prefer affirmation that I have the right to be upset. Listen to me if I feel like talking or crying. When I'm calmer I appreciate some humour to cheer me up, but not immediately.

Hug me and hold me. Show me that you care. And trust me I'll remember that.

Oh and please don't get upset for my sake or show huge amounts of feeling, because that makes me feel the need to tend to your emotions. If you start crying or get truly offended for my sake I feel that I need to comfort you. Be the stronger one, so that I don't need to be it and can be sad.

 

[GZA]

I need to play guitar. When I'm upset or discouraged or whatever, I just sort of go into my own corner and think about playing guitar.

I'm mostly a lone depressant. I'm not always sad when I'm alone, but when I'm sad I generally prefer to be by myself to think things over. I find that works best for me.

 

[Anja]

Oh and please don't get upset for my sake or show huge amounts of feeling, because that makes me feel the need to tend to your emotions. If you start crying or get truly offended for my sake I feel that I need to comfort you. Be the stronger one, so that I don't need to be it and can be sad.

Part of this is so true for me.

That part about others picking up on my feelings and adopting them as their own. In some situations it almost feels like emotional vampirism to me. When I'd call my mom and be upset about something, she'd take it all on bigtime and pretty soon it was her issue and less mine. That always feels uncomfortable to me.

 

[Lizzy1813]

Thanks for all the posts! I really needed some imput on the issue, and this has helped more than you'll ever know!

 

[sade]

Part of this is so true for me.

That part about others picking up on my feelings and adopting them as their own. In some situations it almost feels like emotional vampirism to me. When I'd call my mom and be upset about something, she'd take it all on bigtime and pretty soon it was her issue and less mine. That always feels uncomfortable to me.

I believe the strong part only applies for those extremely sensitive. I have a friend like that which made me add it.

 

[snowflurri]

I don't like to be told "Don't worry" if I'm worrying because it doesn't help at all.
When comforted, I like to feel that my problem is truly understood and that I'm not alone, also that it can be solved.

 

[BerberElla]

I tend to withdraw so that I can get a grip and deal with the problem. Typically, I get angry at myself for dumping my burdens on other people.

Same here, the more serious the sadness the more I need solitude. I can't even function enough to warn people I care about that i am about to go off the rails and withdraw for what could be a considerable amount of time. I just do it. I get sick of telling people how I feel, especially since sadness seems to be a pretty constant companion how many more times do I have to hear them pity me, or roll their eyes at how unable I am to get to grips with my problems, easier to withdraw and deal with the issue alone.

However if I knew I had a friend who would never judge me for my weaknesses I could probably do with a hug, some emotional support, don't tell me how to fix the problem, I already know how to fix it I just can't/won't whilst I feel so sad about it. I just need a shoulder, a non judgemental shoulder, someone who isn;t trying to fix me, who doesn't make me feel pressured to be better, to fix up and get a grip. However I don't have friends like that, I have needy friends who need me to support them in a non judgemental way, my sadness is my own to deal with.

 

[sade]

I like when people tell me that they've been through the same thing, but only when they specify and tell me of their experiences/feeling/something. Telling that it's happened to them and then happily walking away isn't helpful.

When I was going through depression the thing that I hated most was if people told me to get a grip or cheer up. Get over it. That either got me more depressed or in nearly homicidal rage.

 

[Snow Turtle]

It's clear that there's no one fit answer to how comforting should be done. :/

The right to be upset. is something I've not gotten to grips with. I can appreciate that someone is upset, but I know that there is usually two sides to a story or that it was merely a case of misinterpretation. In that situation...

Do you still let others be upset or try and clarify the situation?

I approach my own problems by viewing all sides. But I get the impression that people don't usually appreciate this method... trying to remove the thing that's causing unhappiness.

 

[Lady_X]

i think i like someone to offer to talk but not pry...and offer sweet gestures like taking me to do something fun...or bringing me a funny movie or something else to cheer me up like pie...
or just lay snuggled up with me pet my head a lil bit while we watch tv...just so i know they're there if i decide i do want to talk.

wow...i sound like such a lil puppy don't i?

 

[tibby]

I usually withdraw to my "shell" , because usually my sadness is caused by external reasons (other people). When I'm sad, company and support are much valuated . In many cases I also appreciate intruding my boundaries in a playful manner. Caring and considerate approach with a twist of humour work. Positive vibes is what would comfort me , even though I might llook like I want privacy (and most of the time think it is what I need, when it's in the contrary).

 

[JocktheMotie]

wow...i sound like such a lil puppy don't i?

Yes...but everyone loves puppies. Also this thread is good for taking notes.

 

[Wild horses]

I like to be left alone but this is mainly due to the fact that I find it difficult to express negative emotions around others. So if I am going to actually deal with the problem (which has to be mega serious before I will view it as a problem) then I will have to be alone, however, sometimes even when I am alone I chose not to 'go there', not to deal with it and throw myself into normal life being around people and being as normal as possible, almost as if nothing has hapened at all. I usually find that the problem effects me physically then though So I know what I like but I don't know what's best for me clearly LOL

 

[ladypinkington]

What I need most is to be comforted by someone by talking it out with an objective person. Someone who will listen to me whine and acknowledge the validity of my feelings and truely listen-then will make me see other people's POV- for instance the type of person who will tell you, did you ever consider the spider is just as much afraid of you as you are of it-after they have given that insight and after words of encouragement to be then kicked in the butt lovingly- stop moping and whining and do something about it you big baby and I'll be right here with you!

I feel most comforted when I know that people expect me to stand tall and have courage and integrity and hold my feet to those fires, I know that they expect it because they see me as capable- and that to me is the most comforting gift I could be given.

That is how I am best comforted.
In any type of problem or sadness.
I need someone to appeal to my nobler motives.

 

[Amargith]

I want someone to hold me and very important, not judge me. I tend to use my SO for this. Plenty of physical contact, ranting/sobbing and being listened to usually cure whatever ails me. I guess its where the childlike innocent behavior of an ENFP really shows through...*smiles*

I'm with WH, though, I don't do this unless with my SO or with a really good friend and I can't keep it in longer.

 

[LunaIndigo]

I do like to be alone because I hate people seeing me cry unless they're extremely close to me (boyfriend, mom, best friends). But being a 4 on top of that makes me secretly wish that someone would seek me out and try to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes when I'm upset I wish they would read my mind so I wouldn't have to explain it all over again. Confusing I know but I'm just a difficult person.

 

[aufs klo]

But being a 4 on top of that makes me secretly wish that someone would seek me out and try to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes when I'm upset I wish they would read my mind so I wouldn't have to explain it all over again. Confusing I know but I'm just a difficult person.

I know that feeling! Is asking my friends to be telepathic really too much to ask?

My best friend actually DID actually tell me exactly what I wanted her to say, and while it took her a while to figure it out, I appreciated it SO MUCH (especially since the fight was about how she didn't get me)!

 

[runvardh]

Comfort? Me? Pfft, yeah right! So far only internet people have actually tried...