User Tag List

View Poll Results: SHOULD I...

Voters
1. You may not vote on this poll
  • TRY AGAIN

    0 0%
  • NO WAY

    1 100.00%
12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 13

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    3

    Default ENFP dating ESFJ. CRAZY???

    For a year and a half, I (the ENFP male) was dating an ESFJ (female). I broke it off. However, I've been recently reconsidering getting back together. We recently talked about where we failed each other, could have tried harder, and reflected on what we've learned apart.

    PROS: we have absolutely everything in common, like going out on daytrip's, foods, the music we like, holiday celebrations, friends, family, both super super affectionate and lovey dovey (we are so attracted to each other), love a clean house, etc.., everything in common, even childhood likes and experiences. It is like she dropped from the sky out of a mail order catalog... so much fun. She's also committed to growth and doing whatever it takes to make a relationship work, including reading books and counseling. We were on our way to engagement.

    CONS: As I have seen on other posts and some sites, she (ESFJ) just can't seem to listen, understand, or connect with my sort of dreamy, artistic ideas… or even just talking about the hard day I've been having sometimes. It's like she has to ask 40 questions when I'm just sharing something chill about my day. And the questions sort of seem like an interrogation. Challenging in approach... sort of black and white. Short on Empathy??? Also, she started becomming incredibly moody. It was like a three month cycle. Things were great, then over three months, the negatives on her side would grow. Hot cold hot cold. It’s true, that we both have a lot of trauma in our backgrounds, so I fear at times that we bonded over that both positively and negatively. God knows I have a ton of stuff to work on myself. But I think deep down she couldn't accept me being nice... and would sort of start self-destructing the relationship. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at times because I didn't know who would be walking through the door. And (I think because of the affects of trauma) she "couldn't" see her behavior. Says she didn't know she was acting that way. It's like I just can't put my finger on it. She saw me as her best friend, but I couldn't see her as my best friend near the end because it just doesn't seem like I could be myself sometimes. With types, after a while I felt like I (ENFP) may have sort of irritated her with my sort of ENFP artsy, sharing, spaced-outness, even though I always just loved to just listen to her. I also felt like I was giving and giving and getting little back emotionally at times. Again, she has been through a lot, and I know she just needs a lot of love and patience. But so do I.

    I know with the cons it sounds “ridiculous” that I want to get back together, but when times are good, and she's in a heathly good place, it is the most fantastic relationship in the world. Amazing. Knockout!!! I'm really struggling over this. It's so hard to know as someone over 40 where we are to positively compromise in life, how much to accept/expect, and work on communication. Is the ENFP and ESFJ match just doomed in the end?

    Your experiences? Confused. Am I crazy???

  2. #2
    Now with less salt. Methylene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    639 so/sp
    Socionics
    LII
    Posts
    524

    Default

    Forget about typing when dating.
    My impression is that this relationship is over, it has done its course.
    If you still like eachother and really want to work on your mistakes, you could try one last time.

    I've been in a similar situation time ago. It didn't get better, and the emotional rollercoaster didn't do well to me.
    I don't think that it's so personal
    Anymore
    I don't think that it's irreversible
    Anymore
    Sometimes I feel like I'm a sentimental trooper.

    6w5 - 3w4 - 9w1 so/sp
    RLUEI
    Chaotic neutral.
    LII-Ne.
    Likes Red Ribbon, Peter Deadpan liked this post

  3. #3
    Mastermind Fieldmarshal Sacrophagus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    MBTI
    XNTJ
    Posts
    260

    Default

    If you mind typing that much while looking at people, you're being idiotic.

    Relationships can work. Concessions and sacrifice are necessary in order to accept the other person.

    So what if she can't really get your dreamy side? I have absolutely eccentric and labyrinthine ideas which only I understand, and I'm fine with that. I'd read them on a paper while gallantly sipping a beverage and sitting comfortably on my couch. "What are these?", she might ask. "Nah. Just a crazy world apart from the living. So, I'm cooking dinner today for our date. You go knock yourself out and take a bubble bath while I'm doing my culinary magic."

    There should be a relationship between you and yourself too. I doubt you ever considered that.

    Don't bring trauma into your failures. We all have a past of our own.

    I can comprehend that people mostly seek someone to understand them, but they do exaggerate. It's that feeling that you need someone to know and fathom every side of you that sometimes brings disappointment and dismay.

    Stop having crazy expectations from your partner, and appreciate the differences too.

    Each woman is magnificent on her own, if you allow her to. After that, it's up to you to get back with her or not.

    And, yes. You're goddamn insane.
    Likes Red Ribbon, Glados liked this post

  4. #4
    SpaceCadetGoldStarBrigade Population: 1's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sp/sx
    Posts
    1,359

    Default

    I agree with the other comments. This is far more to do with specifics than type. Any type can be with any type. This is a matter of you two meshing as individuals. It sounds like even though she doesn't understand the deep inner sanctum of what it is to be you she gets enough of you that you're moved.

    As far as her expressing her affection or feelings well she's not you, she's her. That doesn't mean she doesn't feel as deeply or with true sincerity, it means she displays it in her own way.

    The problem sounds like the revolving door of overall emotional stability and the fear of becoming too close. Perhaps the turbulence is because of that fear. You can't make her become comfortable with emotional intimacy. She's going to have to grapple with that demon herself. I'm not sure if talking to her about confronting that issue is impossible or not. You have to be the judge of that.
    To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity. Douglas Adams

    As per orders of the No likes experiment I am not liking posts for the duration.
    Likes Red Ribbon liked this post

  5. #5
    Senior Member Lucy_Ricardo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    133

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Population: 1 View Post
    I agree with the other comments. This is far more to do with specifics than type. Any type can be with any type. This is a matter of you two meshing as individuals. It sounds like even though she doesn't understand the deep inner sanctum of what it is to be you she gets enough of you that you're moved.
    This is fact. MBTI typing is not meant to determine compatibility between two people. Rather, it's meant to help you understand how you and others interpret the surrounding world. It's a great tool when you're learning how to communicate with different people. If you focus on type too much, it pigeon-holes yourself and the object of your affections, severely limiting your possibilities.

    Your relationship sounds like it's worth the effort. Just because she doesn't understand your rich inner-world doesn't mean she's not right for you. We take the good with the bad with everyone--you just have to decide whether the good outweighs the bad. Relationships are hard work and full of compromise because we're all different people with different thoughts and different motivation. We all get frustrated with the people we love, and we all feel misunderstood, but that's where the work comes in.

    I'm like you: I entertain weird ideas and daydreams, sometimes all day. It's a lot to ask of someone to be completely receptive to any innerfancies that come out. Sometimes you have to just enjoy them yourself and not expect your girlfriend to be privy to all of them.
    "The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater." --J.R.R. Tolkien
    Likes Red Ribbon liked this post

  6. #6
    Senior Member Red Ribbon's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    9w8 sx/so
    Socionics
    EII Fi
    Posts
    247

    Default

    Why is there a poll for this? We can't decide what you should do. It all depends on you. Typology doesn't have all the answers. I'm an E/ISFJ and I'm dating an INTP. My grandma, an ESFJ has been married to my grandpa, an INTJ for 60 years. And I know people of similar types who don't work out in a relationship. Really, just get typology out of it. No one here is going to tell you what to do.

    Also, why would you be crazy for dating an ESFJ? Are we just that bad?
    EII - Fi - INFj
    9w8(963, The Mediator)
    sx/so
    SLOEI

  7. #7
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    9,422

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Snapdragon1234 View Post
    For a year and a half, I (the ENFP male) was dating an ESFJ (female). I broke it off. However, I've been recently reconsidering getting back together. We recently talked about where we failed each other, could have tried harder, and reflected on what we've learned apart.

    PROS: we have absolutely everything in common, like going out on daytrip's, foods, the music we like, holiday celebrations, friends, family, both super super affectionate and lovey dovey (we are so attracted to each other), love a clean house, etc.., everything in common, even childhood likes and experiences. It is like she dropped from the sky out of a mail order catalog... so much fun. She's also committed to growth and doing whatever it takes to make a relationship work, including reading books and counseling. We were on our way to engagement.

    CONS: As I have seen on other posts and some sites, she (ESFJ) just can't seem to listen, understand, or connect with my sort of dreamy, artistic ideas… or even just talking about the hard day I've been having sometimes. It's like she has to ask 40 questions when I'm just sharing something chill about my day. And the questions sort of seem like an interrogation. Challenging in approach... sort of black and white. Short on Empathy??? Also, she started becomming incredibly moody. It was like a three month cycle. Things were great, then over three months, the negatives on her side would grow. Hot cold hot cold. It’s true, that we both have a lot of trauma in our backgrounds, so I fear at times that we bonded over that both positively and negatively. God knows I have a ton of stuff to work on myself. But I think deep down she couldn't accept me being nice... and would sort of start self-destructing the relationship. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at times because I didn't know who would be walking through the door. And (I think because of the affects of trauma) she "couldn't" see her behavior. Says she didn't know she was acting that way. It's like I just can't put my finger on it. She saw me as her best friend, but I couldn't see her as my best friend near the end because it just doesn't seem like I could be myself sometimes. With types, after a while I felt like I (ENFP) may have sort of irritated her with my sort of ENFP artsy, sharing, spaced-outness, even though I always just loved to just listen to her. I also felt like I was giving and giving and getting little back emotionally at times. Again, she has been through a lot, and I know she just needs a lot of love and patience. But so do I.

    I know with the cons it sounds “ridiculous” that I want to get back together, but when times are good, and she's in a heathly good place, it is the most fantastic relationship in the world. Amazing. Knockout!!! I'm really struggling over this. It's so hard to know as someone over 40 where we are to positively compromise in life, how much to accept/expect, and work on communication. Is the ENFP and ESFJ match just doomed in the end?

    Your experiences? Confused. Am I crazy???
    Take type out of it. You are already aware of all the cons. Are you willing to live with them? Are you able to overlook them? Are the pros and those memories enough for you to survive on when she isn't in a healthy place? For the life of me, I don't understand why mental stability isn't a top priority for a partner but, it's your life. I guess make sure you have a pre-nup since you mentioned engagement.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
    Likes Red Ribbon, Peter Deadpan liked this post

  8. #8
    Awake Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 sx/sp
    Posts
    5,302

    Default

    I don't understand how behavior that caused you to walk on egg shells...she didn't even know she was doing it. <-Someone's not seeing things correctly or is stretching the truth or something because...

    It is not uncommon for people that have experienced trauma to test their partners with bad behavior...but they know that they are doing it. They may not know why...but they know that they are behaving negatively so idk.

    Likewise, it's hard being perfect isn't it? jk

    I have a hunch that if she was reacting(?) it was to more than just your ENFP artsy-fartsy...please.
    Walk first through the fire.


    *Currently participating in the "No Likes" experiment.
    Likes Red Ribbon liked this post

  9. #9
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    3

    Default

    Here's where I see types a bit. And why I mention it. ESFJs get info by asking questions. One time, my teen was acting suicidal. He went in for an evaluation but wasn't hospitalized. I was devistated. After hours on the phone, finding psychologists, doing everything I could, I was exhausted and sad. I just needed empathy and someone to listen... A good hug. She (ESFJ) came over for dinner (Son was at his moms resting). In tears, I told her what was going on. She asked me a series of 20 questions... "did you call a psychologist?" "Did you tell him it's normal to feel that way?" "Did you call his girlfriends mom?" "Did you ex do this and that?" But I had answered all those questions when I shared with her what had happened and that day. All I wanted was for her to listen to me and say.. "I am so sorry this is happening. I love you." It's like Her need to question and perhaps fix the problem railroaded her empathy. I think ESFJs seem to be fixers. I believe that her questions came out of concern, but after a year together, I felt that she would be secure in the fact that I'm a responsible person and the type of person who would do everything in my power to help my son in crisis. So. I had to ask to be comforted. Then as an ENFP I think... man, is she there for me emotionally? Do I actually have to ask for empathy? Hope this paints a picture. Types are not core. But they are something.

  10. #10
    Awake Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 sx/sp
    Posts
    5,302

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Snapdragon1234 View Post
    Here's where I see types a bit. And why I mention it. ESFJs get info by asking questions. One time, my teen was acting suicidal. He went in for an evaluation but wasn't hospitalized. I was devistated. After hours on the phone, finding psychologists, doing everything I could, I was exhausted and sad. I just needed empathy and someone to listen... A good hug. She (ESFJ) came over for dinner (Son was at his moms resting). In tears, I told her what was going on. She asked me a series of 20 questions... "did you call a psychologist?" "Did you tell him it's normal to feel that way?" "Did you call his girlfriends mom?" "Did you ex do this and that?" All I wanted was for her to listen to me and say.. "I am so sorry this is happening. I love you." It's like Her need to question and perhaps fix the problem railroaded her empathy. I think ESFJs seem to be fixers. So. I had to ask to be comforted. Then as an ENFP I think... man, is she there for me emotionally? Do I actually have to ask for empathy? hope this paints a picture. Types are not core. But they are something.

    I'm sorry you went through this difficult experience and am hoping your son is doing much better at this time but to the bolded wtf?


    What in the hell do you think drove her to ask you those questions? What drove her to want to help fix it? Perhaps she had nothing better to do with her time?

    I'm older as well and as my days slowly become numbered...I'm not looking to spend time with someone that feels as sorry for me as I do. I'm looking for your ESFJs style of empathy. But that's just me.
    Walk first through the fire.


    *Currently participating in the "No Likes" experiment.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO