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[Other] Do you feel weird in conflict/standing up for yourself?

Krys

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I do get unpleasant bodily sensations from conflict actually, so i tend to avoid it. Even just listening to other people argue makes me kind of tense. For example, if I'm watching CNN and they start arguing with raised voices and the like, i have to mute it and put on the subtitles. I don't know why but it's really unpleasant for me.

I struggle to deal with it because I tend to give the other person the benefit of the doubt more often than I don't. I'm more likely to lay the blame on myself than others, and I only bring up problems if they are recurring, I have evidence, and I think that the conflict makes "sense", by which I mean I think that I'm not just being sensitive. I also only tend to bring up conflict with people that I care about or --because I must -- people that I work with. I don't really care to bring up problems with other people because an acquaintance hurting my feelings doesn't really matter to me.
 

Sacrophagus

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I'm rarely in conflict with someone. If the latter seems to be a nuisance, I just cut the person off.
I don't see it as a conflict really, for I act the same around them anyway. Water and oil can't mix, but they still can co-exist in the same recipient.


The moments of conflicts that do not directly include me though are when I'm standing up for someone in time of need.
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
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I never get the balance right.

Either I'm overcompensating with niceties because of the damage my outbursts can cause or I'm engaging in the aforementioned outbursts and causing damage, often out of proportion. I don't exactly have any issues standing up for myself, unless I happen to be in a low state of mind.

If emotional intelligence were real (spoiler: evidence suggests it's not) then I would have the lowest scoring for someone who is so emotionally expressive.

There's a rigidity there that I'm curious about understanding.

But, to be honest, it's contextual as always. Some people I refrain from engaging with on subjects because I value the friendship (in my case any friends I have are valuable due to their rarity) & others I can't seem to restrain an eventual conflict.
 

Gone

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I rarely do, or at least not directly. I usually find a way around problems or compromises.
Conflict makes me feel sick if I don't have arguments prepared or I have any insecurities concerning the topic which is almost every time because my opinion on most things is "depends".
I don't want to give up as fast as I do most of the time but that's hard if you can clearly see where the other one is coming from.
 

Lord Lavender

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That sounds accurate. I'm all about harmony, I like it when things are calm and everyone is getting along. And even if you need to talk about things, you know.. you don't want to rock the boat. I feel better using my voice, honestly, and I think I need to really get used to that. But it's so weird. :(

I relate a lot to what your saying. I think its aslo as we are both positive outlook heavy that we dont want to face the scary negativity out there which like threatens our core psyche in many ways. Its like hmm we are lifeforms adapted to a tropical existence but it gets occasional cold snaps which what negativity is to positive outlooks a scary thing that will destroy them. Instead of braving the cold you will like try to retrert which protects the positive outlooks PoV but also prevents any toughening up from happening so to speak.
 

Flâneuse

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Yes. It took me a long time to fully admit this to myself, but I have a strong people-pleasing streak and don't want to be disliked. I'm fairly go-with-the-flow and low-maintenance naturally, which is definitely a good trait to a degree -- but unfortunately I sometimes think it's the main thing people like about me. In situations where I'm not comfortable just going with the flow and I need to assert my needs, I'm sometimes afraid to speak up because I'm afraid it will ruin others' image of me of being super-easy to get along with, therefore making me less likable and potentially complicating what I want to remain a pleasant and simple connection with the other/s.

Type-wise,feeling uneasy about conflict definitely correlates most to e9 and I believe (to a lesser extent) e2. When push comes to shove, both of these types can be very assertive, but from what I've seen e2s have less trouble reaching that point. Also, both Feeling functions (Fe more than Fi) tend to correlate with a greater desire for harmony with others and therefore a greater fear of conflict, but obviously there are tons of exceptions to that general rule.
 

VILLANELLE

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I relate a lot to what your saying. I think its aslo as we are both positive outlook heavy that we dont want to face the scary negativity out there which like threatens our core psyche in many ways. Its like hmm we are lifeforms adapted to a tropical existence but it gets occasional cold snaps which what negativity is to positive outlooks a scary thing that will destroy them. Instead of braving the cold you will like try to retrert which protects the positive outlooks PoV but also prevents any toughening up from happening so to speak.

Yup, that's exactly it. You don't want to face the potential of negativity, even if the outcome could be good.
 

Totenkindly

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i hate it until i feel the need to do it... when i do stand up for myself i feel energized, competent, focused, intelligent, articulate, and justified... afterwords that can change if my admonishment was recieved well... in that case i can feel cruel, because i have a way of cutting people down with accurate observations of their misdoings and flaws... my language becomes harsh as i pinpoint the chinks in their emotional armor, in order to achieve maximized impact... on the other hand, if they are resolute in their position my resolve and feeling that i have taken appropriate action is strengthened... fuck them for their denial of my logic and self worth... fuck them for refusing to see what is plain as day... at that point i am likely to sever contact and/or become vindictive...

post script:

i am patient to a fault... i think that is why when i am no longer patient, the shift comes on so quickly, and i let loose all at once... i think there is only one person that hasn't shriveled in front of my barrage...

Yeah, basically you endure so much and already know exactly what the issue is, so when you finally open your mouth -- BAM.
 

Frosty

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Yes and no.

If I let myself stand up for myself ehen Im legitimately angry- I dont really have a super huge problem doing it. I just- reflect back what Im feeling in that moment.

But I dont like doing that. I dont like... it makes me feel like Im out of control. Or that Im being cruel or unfair or nasty or entitled. All sorts of negative connotations. But if Im annoyed enough in the moment- I can and WILL show it.

I dont really get super annoyed very often. Lately the people Ive been 'standing up to' have been my parents and pharmacists. My parents... well theres no point in standing up to them because theyll just crush me- but I cant NOT. I cant agree to some of the things they say to me- HAVE to stand up.

And pharmacists. I dunno why I get so openly irritated with them. I think because I know that whenever I have a problem at the pharmacy its usually at least half my own fault. So Im more annoyed with myself AND them- but I only have time to react to being annoyed at one person in the moment and its just- quicker I guess to be mad at them. Always feel bad after that though because I mean- I DO know its usually my fault to a big enough extent and i feel like such a bully getting mad at them.

But- I CANT stand up for myself in a lot of situations. I mean I probably COULD- but I dont. If Im not- really mad or annoyed or if thats worn off a bit or Ive let it settle- then its hard for me to... well... ignite something that isnt there any more.

I probably do need to work on standing up for myself when its needed- when there is a time delay. I just feel so uncomfortable doing it because... the feeling isnt strong enough I guess. I dont feel its worth it if I dont feel it.

Plus I super hate conflict. So yeah.
 
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I struggle to deal with it because I tend to give the other person the benefit of the doubt more often than I don't. I'm more likely to lay the blame on myself than others, and I only bring up problems if they are recurring, I have evidence, and I think that the conflict makes "sense", by which I mean I think that I'm not just being sensitive. I also only tend to bring up conflict with people that I care about or --because I must -- people that I work with. I don't really care to bring up problems with other people because an acquaintance hurting my feelings doesn't really matter to me.

^ This is completely true for me. I never liked conflict even as a child, so much so that I'd start to feel scared or cry if people were even a little stern towards me, granted that didn't happen often. Luckily I've not been approached with too much conflict, and obviously I got better at dealing with this lol. I'm more prone to defend myself now than I used to be, but it's still a struggle. When I am approached with conflict & I have to stand up for myself, it feels very uncomfortable & weird, especially when the other person is not responsive, or too aggressive. If I feel something needs to be said or I feel really attacked, my brain goes abuzz with the things I am about to let out, but after letting it out a part of me always feels really guilty for it.

I am admittedly patient to a fault; I tolerate a lot & I let things slide if it's just once or twice. Because I blame myself for being too sensitive to things, or I worry I'll hurt others by talking about what they did. So when I do let things out, it's only when the issue is recurring and I'm sure that I'm not just complaining/being too sensitive. I bring up conflicts with people I care about because I want to find a solution together, not to argue or attack with insults. When I am wronged or insulted, I call people out with my observations or their own words. I don't resort to name calling or harsh words, I just say the truth so they know I'm not just being a crybaby. Unfortunately I never say exactly what I wanted to say, so that's also why I feel uncomfortable after conflicts/standing up for myself. I fear I give people the wrong impression of me, because things don't always get explained since it's such a flood of thoughts in my head. I also cry when overly frustrated/angry. It's easier in writing lol.
 

Fidelia

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I don't mind conflict that I am prepared for, even though I wouldn't go out of my way to seek it out. I do like to please people, but am understanding that it can't be at the expense of my own health or because I don't want to deal with the unknown reaction of the other person to my preferences or opinion. If I am absolutely sure of myself, I can be pretty assertive and immoveable. It's when I I can see things from many perspectives and don't completely trust my own perceptions anymore or when if I do respond appropriately, others looking on will not have context and it will have bad consequences for methat I feel sick over conflict.
 

OrangeAppled

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If it comes out of the blue, then I feel ambushed and my instinct is to withdraw. If I can't physically leave, then I do mentally. Growing up, my sister said you could see a wall going up in my face whenever someone in the family confronted me over something. This is part of what led to them labelling me as cold and being accused of not caring about anything.

My initial reaction is actually an emotional response to feeling ambushed, and so it's hard for me to process and respond to the actual issue in a rational way. I do much better if I have an idea of what will be discussed beforehand or if someone lets me get back to them later and doesn't demand a response immediately. I just don't process conflict well in the middle of a conversation.

As an adult, I put on an unconcerned, reasonable mask where I sort of "yes" people but don't take them seriously, and I try to come across as not taking it seriously, but not outright dismissing it. This is my way of lowering their impact on me and making sure they know they didn't make much impact, that way they don't think they can control me with intimidation. I suppose that's passive aggressive... I can be aggressive-aggressive too, but that's usually when I am the one confronting. I also do the INFP thing where I will write them a very long letter in which I detail my side because it's easier for me to express myself that way.

Conflict is uncomfortable for me mainly because I fear getting emotional and losing all credibility because of it. Unfortunately, people tend to see displays of emotion as meaning you can't handle something, that you are unstable, that you don't have valid reasons for your standpoint, etc. To me, display of emotion is just what value something holds for you (which is why going blank is how I signal I am not highly valuing someone's viewpoint) or it can simply be a response to being overwhelmed by the surprise of someone else's confrontation; it has no bearing on whether your viewpoint in the conflict is rational or not. To many people, the one who doesn't get emotional is automatically the correct and reasonable one; I find that fallacious.

To clarify, I rather like differing opinions, even some debate, etc. I don't experience many things as conflict that others experience as conflict, which is why some people can find me "difficult" or "challenging" whereas I'm experiencing it as a stimulating exchange. However, I can weirdly experience asking for my needs as bringing conflict; it's like I anticipate resistance from others. I prefer the freedom to do what I want and fill my own needs so I don't have to ask anyone for anything.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Conflict is a complex issue for me. I feel like I relate to the world more like a wild animal does than a domesticated animal. If you look at the way domesticated dogs interact with the world, they are almost continually subjected to conflict. It is how they are trained to obey and function. They can become bored without it, and so they bark wildly with any passers-by and then their owner commands, 'no!', and they obey. They have just experienced two levels of conflict as part of their engagement with reality. A coyote will tend to avoid the passersby and would not respond to the command, so in a way they are conflict avoidant. However, when they do engage in actual conflict it is serious with 'no holds barred'. This is why conflict is stressful for me because if it is for real, not some social diversion or power game, but actual conflict, it could cost everything. I instinctually experience it like this.

My first feeling if someone comes to me with conflict is 'what are they demanding from me'? I'm typically not intruding on their life, or I at least try to minimize any intrusion I cause other people, so if they are angry or in conflict with me, it seems like it is because I'm not giving them something they have decided they deserve from me. I certainly don't like that. If I have made a mistake, intruded, taken something, etc. from someone then it would be helpful to know so I won't do that because it is my ideal not to.

I wish sometimes that I could see the world more ideal with 'everyone meaning well' and such things like others do. I think the best people in the world do see others that way very often. Instead I find people threatening and capable of every bad thing humans have been recorded as doing. I don't see why the person I accidentally bump shoulders with is intrinsically kind simply because they entered my concrete world. Anyone is capable of anything, and so if I don't know them well, conflict is a state of undefined boundaries. If you throw a stick towards a dog, they will be ready for the game. If you throw it towards a coyote they won't be.
 

Polaris

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I am, and have always been, a strange mix of conflict-avoidant and confrontational. It is very important to me, in most cases, to be regarded positively by other people, and arguing with them is obviously not the way for that to happen. I also have a strong desire to be a good person, and getting into arguments with people doesn't make me feel benevolent. At the same time, I have a bad temper and a strong drive to stick up for myself when I feel that it's warranted. That means that I can sometimes get into conflicts. When that happens, I usually feel that the other person was asking for trouble, which means that I don't especially regret or feel weird about what I've done.
 

Poki

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I don't need to stand up for myself, I am already standing as myself
 

Unkindloving

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I prefer to avoid conflict, but also not to be "doormat"ed by avoiding it. Who there may be conflict with dictates how I broach the subject.
When it comes to friends or partners, I'll thoroughly try to flesh out and resolve large conflicts when I reach a certain point of frustration. I don't enjoy it simply because I've found what I've vulnerably expressed tends to get overlooked and disregarded, so if I'm to that point it has often spelled an end for the friendship/relationship.
In professional situations, I try to set a boundaries early and stick to them. I also prefer to not deal with that face-to-face because I'm liable to make exceptions and let an inch be made into a mile.
Small conflicts I usually don't have any issue with discussing or standing my ground with. It's just the really big things that affect me a lot that I hold off from. It just hasn't been proven to go in my favor just yet.
 

Yama

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Any time I tried to stand up for myself as a child, I was told I was selfish and disobedient. It's taking a very long time for me to accept that taking care of myself isn't selfish, and I still struggle to be able to tell the difference sometimes.
 

Yuurei

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No, not when it’s nessecery. However that is rare as most things that people bicker and insult over just seem so insignificant and pointless that I just can’t be bothered to care at all.

It will be the ine thing to finally cause me to put a bullet in my damned brain.

Everyone will shocked and suprised that I was “ hurting so much” but no, that wasn’t it. Rather I saw how petty humanity has become and decided “ Okay. This is where I get iff. Later guys!”
 

Froody Blue Gem

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I definitely do feel weird in conflict/confrontation. I don't know what to say and freeze up. It makes me look like a bigger jerk when I just get quiet in situations like that, like I'm trying to ignore them. I usually end up thinking what I could have said after it's over but I am not good with words, especially when something triggers my anxiety. Conflict is one thing that does that.

It's one thing I love thing, finding common ground with people and I don't like upsetting or disappointing people, or when drama gets stirred up. The common ground as well as the rapport get broken down. Maybe because of the social anxiety I have. I am not too good with rocking the boat and I heavily don't want to disappoint others. Some of this stems from my fe.
 
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