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  1. #1
    Senior Member Harlow_Jem's Avatar
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    Default Angry/hurt ENFJs and passive-aggressiveness

    Long story short, cheated on ENFJ boy but we're back together and he is so passive-aggressive with his anger. He will never say outright how pissed off he is (well he did once, but he was drunk) but will be mean/rude in a very passive-aggressive way.

    Example:
    Him: what are you doing later tonite?
    Me: Not sure...will I see you?
    Him: If I'm around. I don't know what I'm doing now.

    Why the hell would you ask if you're going to reply with that? Of course I did see him and he acted like everything was fine and we had a good time. The problem is that even though he took me back, I can see that this time he's very cautious about how he acts/what he says so that he doesn't get hurt (which is obviously understandable) but I wish he would just be open about telling me how he feels instead of reacting with passive-aggressive anger.

    Is passive-aggressiveness a characteristic of an angry/hurt ENFJ?

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  2. #2
    Member Shinzon's Avatar
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    You cheated on him and he's pissed off, what do you expect? Having gone through a similar situation, if he is anything like I am, he will never forgive you completely. He may, however, stay with you in spite of his feelings if he thinks he has an obligation to you or if he was somehow at fault. Do him a favor: cut your losses and move on.

    People with extraverted feeling are, in my experience, prone to 'passive-aggressiveness', but really they're trying to send out subtle emotional cues and expecting the other person to pick up on it. Being an NF he is probably conflict adverse and this leads to the paradox of wanting to express how he feels, but not wanting to rock the boat and create drama.

  3. #3
    now! in shell form INA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Harlow_Jem View Post
    Long story short, cheated on ENFJ boy but we're back together and he is so passive-aggressive with his anger. He will never say outright how pissed off he is (well he did once, but he was drunk) but will be mean/rude in a very passive-aggressive way.

    Example:
    Him: what are you doing later tonite?
    Me: Not sure...will I see you?
    Him: If I'm around. I don't know what I'm doing now.
    Do you have another example of the passive aggression? He could simply want to know what you're up to even if he hasn't made definitive plans for his night.
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Harlow_Jem View Post
    Long story short, cheated
    May you get what you want, and may you want what you get.

  5. #5
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Harlow, you've come on the forum asking a lot of questions about this relationship. I'm not saying this relationship is doomed, but from all the threads you've started it doesn't seem to be worth it. You should be asking him these questions rather than asking us but you've got to figure out if it's even worth it. Forgiving a person after they've cheated on you is not easy and given the circumstances I completely understand his hesitation. What have you done to show him that you're invested in the relationship and assure him that the cheating will never happen again? The cheating thing is something he can hold over your head for as long as you're together. Frankly, I would've just ended it.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  6. #6
    ByMySword
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    As an INFJ who has been in that situation, that bridge would've already been burnt. You're lucky he got back with you at all.

    And I agree with IF3157. He could just want to know what you're up to. But I wouldn't be surprised at passive-agression either.

    You have to earn back his trust after losing it. This is not an easy task. He'll never really trust you again, despite his feelings for you. Thats just something you're going to have to deal with. You made your bed. Now you'll have to sleep in it.

  7. #7
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Harlow, you've come on the forum asking a lot of questions about this relationship. I'm not saying this relationship is doomed, but from all the threads you've started it doesn't seem to be worth it. You should be asking him these questions rather than asking us but you've got to figure out if it's even worth it. Forgiving a person after they've cheated on you is not easy and given the circumstances I completely understand his hesitation. What have you done to show him that you're invested in the relationship and assure him that the cheating will never happen again? The cheating thing is something he can hold over your head for as long as you're together. Frankly, I would've just ended it.
    Seconded.

    As far as passive-aggression goes, I don't, so if he's doing it, that can't be a good thing. He hasn't forgiven you or if he has, he hasn't forgotten. If I wanted to be with someone who'd cheated on me (which I can't, at least not in my history...) I'd absolutely have to have had closure on that episode or no dice. Someone I actually LOVE cheating on me would break my heart.

    Why be with him if he's a ball of spines? Conversely, I'd ask him why he was with a girl he feels he can't trust. Kind of not fair either way.
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  8. #8
    Guerilla Urbanist Brendan's Avatar
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  9. #9
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    ahh yes XNFJs and passive aggressiveness lol... i see it all too much

    and i hate to be blunt but ive been paying attention to this relationship a bit, and it doesn't seem to be going all that well, why do you think he is staying together with you exactly?
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  10. #10
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mlittrell View Post
    ahh yes XNFJs and passive aggressiveness lol... i see it all too much

    and i hate to be blunt but ive been paying attention to this relationship a bit, and it doesn't seem to be going all that well, why do you think he is staying together with you exactly?
    Apparently not because they broke up a while ago.
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