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[INFP] My INFP others: Have you truly felt alone? What did you do? [Other NF's may reply].

Kiwi-INFP

New member
Joined
Jun 15, 2017
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w5
My post might be a bit all over the place, but here I go:

I'm now in my early twenties and still haven't had a girlfriend. In my teenage years I tried a couple times to get a girlfriend but that failed, and gave up on it by the end of high school. Recently I tried but that failed. It hurt me a bit that's why I'm on here.

I always hear and see "be yourself" and something will happen. That won't work for me. My 'unique' personality is partly to blame, I guess. I feel strongly about global racial equality, house/garage/disco/funk and r&b music, comedy, and video games. Now I know people share the same interests. But I feel what I feel deeply and differently to others. That gives me the feeling of being alone.

I don't go out unless it's family, shopping or class-related. Going to 'lit' clubs and getting 'turnt' won't stimulate me. I hate being a part of that generation. And where I live there's not much here for me. Seriously, there isn't. So before you think about telling me to focus on something, don't. I can't focus on something else because that's what I've always done and it's becoming a pain. I don't know what to do.

So has anybody else felt alone? How did you deal with it?
 

Red Memories

Haunted Echoes
Joined
Jun 3, 2017
Messages
6,315
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
215
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I don't think I am an NF, nonetheless I can relate to this sense of loneliness in this generation. I've never felt the amusement of getting "turnt" or anything either. There are things I feel deeply about that no one else does in the same way, so I do often feel misunderstood.

I think the biggest thing is
1. Be secure in yourself. You know who you are and what means something to you. It is truly better to be firm in who you are than trying to fit in with everyone else.
2. Be secure in "Agreeing to disagree". It IS true not everyone will feel or see things the way you do. It is an opportunity to gain other profound perspectives, and get a deeper understanding. Don't be afraid to dive into deep conversation and try to truly understand other perspectives. You may not ever agree, but you may learn something.

It is really a matter of that, and just finding balance in your life. Seek some passionate endeavors! From my understanding, most INFPs love artistic things, so perhaps consider writing or drawing.
 
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
5,100
Felt alone? All the time. That's the weird thing for me. I enjoy lots of alone time. Then I don't. Confusing? It certainly confuses the crap out of my friends. That's my personality though. I like a small circle of friends and I enjoy spending time with them but I inevitably feel this calling to be alone to process things. It's rarely consistent and the lack of that consistency really throws people off.

I spend a lot of time in nature. Walking, thinking. Other times I'll hang out in public places and just watch people go about their lives. I read. I come on these forums. Listen to music. Yet loneliness always creeps in at some point.

Being introverted is somewhat difficult in a society that preaches being the social whirlwind. I find it's difficult being a shy guy and being expected to always initiate contact with women. The type I'm honestly attracted to are other introverts and lol you and another introvert could shyly glance at one another for a thousand years. The funny thing about that is you'd both be extremely nervous, until you found out you're both extremely nervous! Once the first sentence or so leaves your mouth you'd be comfortable with one another.

Oh look, I'm babbling. Surprising. Anyway, I won't tell you what you should do. I don't know I'm not you. You're in your early twenties and though you survived the mine field that's being a teenager there's still a lot to figure out. I'm way past that stage in life but I definitely get lonely. There are people like you, they feel lost too. Truth is more people than you know feel lonely and lost and some of them are the popular outgoing people who are trying to look like they're fine.

I wish you luck on your road ahead. It'll be lonely at times but hopefully you'll meet like minded souls while you walk it. Yes I love life is a road metaphors. Stick around these forums. You can find a lot in what others say. It may take the edge off feeling alone.
 

Upnextup

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2017
Messages
59
MBTI Type
INFJ
First of all, check my signature. That mantra sometimes helps me feel more comfortable in social situations.

Also, in general I feel like a lot more people feel alone in this more technology oriented world/generation, see my/our current occupation (or preoccupation) for example. It's isolating and the line of thinking tends to be like "I've got all these great ways to communicate, why would I bother talking to someone?" smh sad but tru.

So really, what I would recommend is trying to get comfortable in your own skin. que: my signature if that's what helps.
You can do this via forcing yourself to be in public situations if that's where you're at. Baby steps my friend. Baby steps.
Because, and I know it's cliche but you need to love yourself before you love others, or, as I would interpretate, "You need to know yourself well enough before you start trying advertise yourself to others." Because if you aren't in a good enough spot already, you adding a relationship is not going to help/ just make matters worse.

Anyway, hope that helps. Good luck to you, really.
 

Agent Washington

Softserve Ice Cream
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
2,053
Dating people IRL has proven to be seldom rewarding, at least for me.

Try talking to people online. That is a genuine suggestion.

At the same time, I cannot stress enough that it is inadequate to simply consider it personality incompatibility and also seek constantly to critically examine both yourself and others. If the number of people you meet and jive with is small to begin with, it is imperative to make it the most fruitful that you can be by offering the best of yourself.
 

Kiwi-INFP

New member
Joined
Jun 15, 2017
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w5
First of all, check my signature. That mantra sometimes helps me feel more comfortable in social situations. Also, in general I feel like a lot more people feel alone in this more technology oriented world/generation, see my/our current occupation (or preoccupation) for example. It's isolating and the line of thinking tends to be like "I've got all these great ways to communicate, why would I bother talking to someone?" smh sad but tru. So really, what I would recommend is trying to get comfortable in your own skin. que: my signature if that's what helps. You can do this via forcing yourself to be in public situations if that's where you're at. Baby steps my friend. Baby steps. Because, and I know it's cliche but you need to love yourself before you love others, or, as I would interpretate, "You need to know yourself well enough before you start trying advertise yourself to others." Because if you aren't in a good enough spot already, you adding a relationship is not going to help/ just make matters worse. Anyway, hope that helps. Good luck to you, really.

I checked your signature. And that is true. I will stick to it.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
In high school I was very withdrawn but I had a good time in college. I went to design school and met likeminded people and felt comfortable being myself. I learned that finding an environment that appreciates your strengths is important.

When I first moved out on my own after college though, I felt really isolated. I was poor at keeping in contact with people, including my family. Besides showing up to church here and there, I had little contact with people. I tried online dating and it was overwhelming but in other ways it was a good way to meet people and start flexing my personality in a romantic context. You have to find out who you are in a casual way. The intensity and vulnerability of being an INFP is, IMO, a wonderful thing for deeper, intimate relationships but most people need to warm up to that. Being warm is hard for me...I'm kind of cold or hot.

So in time I realized I needed to find real world environments where people shared my values. I started volunteering more with my church. I've made some good friends there and also had to do a lot of growing to deal with people whose personalities clashed with mine.

I still feel alone at times. I live with my family again for various reasons, and I have a social sphere I move in, but I always feel on the fringe or disconnected. I know a romantic partner is important for me, but it's very difficult for me to find that also. Obviously, there is a better chance if I am out living life and meeting new people. Again, it's uncomfortable, but I suppose I prefer that to stagnation.

Basically, you have to make a choice to live and start exploring different avenues of connecting with people. Growth is painful. You're never really ready for it.

If you like inspirational quotes, here's a very famous one from Anais Nin:
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
 

Lucy_Ricardo

New member
Joined
Jun 16, 2017
Messages
146
MBTI Type
INFP
I feel what I feel deeply and differently to others. That gives me the feeling of being alone. I don't go out unless it's family, shopping or class-related. Going to 'lit' clubs and getting 'turnt' won't stimulate me. I hate being a part of that generation. And where I live there's not much here for me. Seriously, there isn't. So before you think about telling me to focus on something, don't. I can't focus on something else because that's what I've always done and it's becoming a pain.

I completely get where you're coming from, and I hope I can help. I'm an INFP girl, and I have always struggled with feelings of isolation. I've done some things to combat it that are out of my comfort zone, but that have actually helped with the lonliness.

Firstly, seclusion doesn't work. It's comfortable, Lord knows. But isolation is self-perpetuating--the more alone you are, the more alone you'll be. You don't have to go to some soaked frat party, but try to attend a gathering tailored to your interests, like a fundraiser or a peaceful protest or a video game tournament or trivia night at a bar. It might be uncomfortable at first, but it at least let's people know that you exist.

When I was in law school, I wanted to widen my circle of friends, but I was at a loss at how to go about it. My father said, "Go to a party," like it was the most obvious thing in the world. So I did. And it sucked--law students are notorious ravers, and the scene was sloppy and embarrassing. BUT I managed to find the people at the party who weren't bombed, and we talked. I thought at first the evening was a waste, but afterward, I started getting invited to gatherings that were more my style. I realized it hadn't happened sooner because people didn't know I was out there. Again, it was tough at first, but worth the effort.

Secondly, get out of your head. As an INFP, I often retreat to the "rich inner world," and it can be isolating. If I'm feeling separate and detached, I think of someone else--I'll text a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, just to see how they're doing. I'll chat online. I'll ask the cashier at the grocery how their day is going. Any interaction that isn't about me. Building someone else up helps with feeling disconnected.

Thirdly, don't get hung up on finding people with interests that mirror yours--some of my richest friendships are with people who are totally different than I am. And the great thing about these people is that they're EVERYWHERE. Totally accessible. Talking with a stranger is tough, but it comes easier with practice. I like video games and books and nature walks like your typical INFP, but I don't limit myself to people who like the same. I struck up a conversation with someone at the gym who turned out to be a personal trainer, and she got me interested in fitness. I met someone in a mandatory lecture about Haitian Politics who was a speech pathologist, and I learned about phonetics from her. In turn, I shared with these people Lord of the Rings and Frasier, and they're hooked. These folks aren't just like me, and that's for the better--our exchanges have enriched our lives.

And fourthly, don't worry if some interactions aren't a win. No one has a 100% success rate with anything. I've said stupid things in class that made me want to permanently relocate to an underground bunker. I've been on dates that are nightmare fuel. I've had conversations that made me wish I didn't speak English. But those experiences are few and far between, and if I let bad chats drive me into seclusion, then I miss out on so many interactions that are meaningful.

I hope none of this was preachy or trite--I really do understand your struggle because I've dealt with it myself. It takes effort to overcome it, and even after that, loneliness can still creep in now and again. But just don't let it rule you or your thoughts.
 

HisKittyKat

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2017
Messages
156
MBTI Type
XNFP
Enneagram
4w5
Yes I feel alone in my thinking, my feelings and often feel used for personal gain :(....I'm a giver and seldom take. I love to give of myself to people I care about, what ends up happening is they use me for personal gain, I end up feeling like shit, always. I'm way too sensitive to other peoples problems and Issues, so therefore I do without in order to see them happy. Yes I'm a pushover OK, I'm too kind hearted and will forever lose in the end.

That said I like being alone, I enjoy the silence and detach my mind from everything around me. I live 80% of my life in my head, I might create my own reality in order to forget my real one. I'm not complaining though, because life could be so much worse. I have great days, I have bad days, I have days I would rather die and days I"m so grateful to be alive.

People often suck, but then you soon forget about those peeps when you are with people who are kind, loving and would never take you for granted. I won't allow people to make my heart grow cold, I refuse too. I will continue to give of myself even if that means I have cry behind closed doors. One day they will miss me and that will be the beginning of their life lesson , it will hurt bc humans rarely realize what they have until its gone.
 

Red Memories

Haunted Echoes
Joined
Jun 3, 2017
Messages
6,315
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
215
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yes I feel alone in my thinking, my feelings and often feel used for personal gain :(....I'm a giver and seldom take. I love to give of myself to people I care about, what ends up happening is they use me for personal gain, I end up feeling like shit, always. I'm way too sensitive to other peoples problems and Issues, so therefore I do without in order to see them happy. Yes I'm a pushover OK, I'm too kind hearted and will forever lose in the end.

That said I like being alone, I enjoy the silence and detach my mind from everything around me. I live 80% of my life in my head, I might create my own reality in order to forget my real one. I'm not complaining though, because life could be so much worse. I have great days, I have bad days, I have days I would rather die and days I"m so grateful to be alive.

People often suck, but then you soon forget about those peeps when you are with people who are kind, loving and would never take you for granted. I won't allow people to make my heart grow cold, I refuse too. I will continue to give of myself even if that means I have cry behind closed doors. One day they will miss me and that will be the beginning of their life lesson , it will hurt bc humans rarely realize what they have until its gone.
I relate to this on a spiritual level. XD
 

IndigoViolet11

New member
Joined
Apr 28, 2016
Messages
125
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w9
I feel alone for different reasons than her, but at a deep level I can relate. Not only that I am, unlike other people of my personality type, not as "spiritual" but far far weighted on the mundane side. Either I am on a venge of pissing off my spiritual tutors because of my unusualness, (except my last one omg), but I always have far far more opinion than what other feelers in that field got. Deep down at this circle I felt them being even more excluding than people in churches, and church proved to me, a huge failure. I always see both emotional and logical flaws under their system and I can tell exactly what their thoughts are, and most of the time I am bingo. People usually are comfort being with me, but then they do not notice often that I am not the person most think I am. It got me stuck with friends who are attaching and that is a very big problem for me. Most of the time, all the time, they do not fit at all, and my friends were left puzzled on why I eventually left them.

On the other hand, my interest in computer and technology does not directly fit into what others think, yet I enjoy it in leisure time to the point that I wanted later to take a portion of it into my job. But basic stuff as sorting out the requirements is painful. I am sure I can manage eventually, but I guess it is quite an obvious thing for most INFJ, that machines do not fit them quite well. I am relieved that I am capable to use my skills to fix basic software problems, connecting to the internet, getting the screws out of a pc to change a part or two, setting up a basic wireless device etc. However, when complex instructions such as programming appears, I am in tremendous pain, and it seems to me, with feelings and thoughts not being to explain throughly, my characteristic is totally opposite from anything related to computer programming, and OOP (check Object Oriented Programming) is especially, a pain, for a severely lack of intuitive pattern to get it "stick" into my brain, but pieces of puzzle hanging around asking me to assemble them and draw a line between things that are, just dead old objects :(. But most others who study in that field already is likely not to understand at all, how something they take for granted to know, does not work for me. Lonely lonely feeling again.

But at least as the progress go, it is not as bad as my main interest, which in fact isn't quite about programming, but spirituality. However the constant failure seeking churches, in spiritual groups that are a little sensible, either people are nice but incapable of solving my problem from the basic, or they have spiritual knowledge but refuse to acknowledge at all the definition of listening.... I have to give up, even I didn't want to. I admit in this area, I aint typical, and this makes me feel the utmost down to the earth, not only lonely, but excluded by most people even of my kind.

PS: I mean, searching for those who are sensible, and you cannot believe, how downrightly corrupted the occult/psychic reading community is. They have zero coherent logic in their explaination and their attitude and I have seen worst. Insulting.. indeed.
 
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