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[ENFP] Crazy Mood Swings in Relationship/Ultimatums

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
This guy is starting to ring mental health alarms. Does he elevate you (treats you like a goddess/angel) and then suddenly for petty reasons, devalue you on a regular basis (treats you like crap/demon)? If so, this would be called splitting or emotional dysregulation which is one of the symptoms of BPD and NPD. Extreme hypocrisy too. These two personality disorders are common in abusive relationships.
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
I don't find it confusing. Different people will do vastly different things in different situations, that are based on vastly different reasoning and lead to vastly different results (e.g. harm or relief). Decisions can be evaluated by their logic and their results, but that process isn't the same as whether they're emotionally understandable. Because in this system, unlike the logic it is distinct from, they all are - to leave is (as distinct from how it would end the harm), to stay is (as distinct from how it would not end the harm), and even to abuse is (as distinct from it being wrong as fuck). That's my personal concept of it - that the painful and the empowering ones are in terms of the same basic emotions we're all capable of, so one can't be comprehensible while another isn't. That the most painful things we do are still comprehensible is exactly the reason why they suck, and why life on earth sucks (although it is also so much more). The number of "why"s we could come up with by combining these emotions in different ways could go on for literal days, but this is about OP's own reason to stay or go.

IME, the most helpful thoughts when I am down about things I put up with for too long in the past are along the lines of:

"What you did made sense within your personal context, and in the context of humanity. But anything would, so why not relax about that and pick an approach for next time that on top of that brings you more happiness and relief, and perhaps puts a nice sharp boot heel into harmful crap like what they did. How about this one? Let's do it together (self alongside self, as this all is said while talking to oneself)."

A neat thing about that approach is how while it doesn't reference or explicitly try to sort out the logical and practical differences between one approach and another, somehow the desirable results and logical solidity just kind of congeal on their own as a byproduct.


Yah Alaska I don't know if you saw further down but I actually apologized for having stated what you quoted. As an ENFP myself that was my initial anger coming out like ENFP-on-ENFP "you spoiled rotten brat wtmf?" At that point I had not yet considered that this was a marriage and while I now hesitate to say this for the same reasons in reverse...based on what has been described I wouldn't leave a marriage with these same circumstances...not if I took the "good times and bad in sickness and in health" vow...no. But I would be doing everything in my power not to enable the sickness either. I'm having a difficult time understanding what all the OP has attempted...but it seems like outside professional help is the order of the day.
 

Galena

Silver and Lead
Joined
Mar 12, 2013
Messages
3,786
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yah Alaska I don't know if you saw further down but I actually apologized for having stated what you quoted. As an ENFP myself that was my initial anger coming out like ENFP-on-ENFP "you spoiled rotten brat wtmf?" At that point I had not yet considered that this was a marriage and while I now hesitate to say this for the same reasons in reverse...based on what has been described I wouldn't leave a marriage with these same circumstances...not if I took the "good times and bad in sickness and in health" vow...no. But I would be doing everything in my power not to enable the sickness either. I'm having a difficult time understanding what all the OP has attempted...but it seems like outside professional help is the order of the day.
Ah, I didn't understand this the first read-through, but now I do. Thanks, and edited my post acknowledging that!
 

hpdean

New member
Joined
Jun 17, 2017
Messages
4
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
9w3
Honestly, I don't think this is an ENFP related thing, he sounds mentally ill & abusive.
 
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