[ENFP] Uh oh ... depression!

[phoenix13]

I hope you left at least one dark corner for us all to cry in!

I love how happy ENFPs can sound when they're sad. It's like there's a block to expressing the deeper darker emotions... like a deep deep lake hidden beneath a layer of ice, cold and black like my soul. Ooooo, so emo

 

[takeheart]

I love how happy ENFPs can sound when they're sad. I'm not being sarcastic. It's like there's a block to expressing the deeper darker emotions... like a deep deep lake hidden beneath a layer of ice, cold and black like my soul. Ooooo, so emo

When I feel like crying, I turn the sobs into laughter. There's definitely a block and trying to circumvent it is almost physically painful. I mean, I'd try to tell people, "Hey, I'm drowning in the depths of depression! My heart is like a singed and scarred rose shriveling in the face of winter's malicious, icy blasts! My soul is like an empty glass in the rain, tears of eternal despair sliding hopelessly down its cracked sides like rain on a windowpane in a monsoon!" but my vocal chords would lock up! I couldn't speak!

I managed to choke out, "I don't feel well." AND THEN I RAN AWAY.

Humor's really the only acceptable response to anything, and acting like a clown really helps drown out all of dark crap churning inside.

 

[Lizzy1813]

I just don't understand what triggers me off into depression most of the time--that's what makes it so irritating!!! Or if I do figure it out, it's something stupid that shouldn't make me upset...but it does.

 

[Reisende]

Well takeheart at least you know you are far from alone. Hope all this is helping. We all have to find our own way out of our problems. We're all too different for there to be one quick fix. Perhaps the best advice to find someone to confide in, which I believe you are doing. Just hang in there! Don't let the lack of achievements get you down; you are still too young to worry about such things. You are perfectly fine the way you are.

 

[entropie]

Well takeheart at least you know you are far from alone. Hope all this is helping. We all have to find our own way out of our problems. We're all too different for there to be one quick fix. Perhaps the best advice to find someone to confide in, which I believe you are doing. Just hang in there! Don't let the lack of achievements get you down; you are still too young to worry about such things. You are perfectly fine the way you are.

great nickname, btw.

 

[Nonsensical]

It seems that there's always a time during the day when I feel depressed..almost everyday I'll have a low..I just get thinking about things and my emotions take me..but it happens more frequently now that I'm getting older. I don't think it's depression though, because I don't feel depressed all of the time..sometimes I can be in a state of extreme bliss..just really tasting everything that's good in life..and I just sit there..think about what will happen to me in years to come, and I just know..I just know that things will turn out right..no matter what happens, I'll always have my center, I'll always be headed in the right direction, and that the lows that I feel are simply their to build my emotion, and the more I feel, the stronger grows my soul!

 

[Reisende]

great nickname, btw.

Danke schon.

 

[Sniffles]

takeheart I'll respond to your other post later. Right not I'm preoccupied.

 

[Sniffles]

Takeheart, you have my sympathies in regards to the pain you're feeling; because at numerous times in my life I've felt the same way. So don't think you're alone in dealing with these issues. Also take into account that you're at the age when many people face severe Existential crisis in their lives. And I say this as somebody who's only a few years older than you.

The "trigger" was the realization that I'm a complete doormat, that I can't overcome it, and that I couldn't stop anyone from being bad. That I was powerless in the face of selfishness and cruelty. That I couldn't be Superwoman. That screwed me up SO BADLY that I'm sure a non-Idealist would think I was pathetic, but it's true!

Then it was compounded by a lack of achievement and real knowledge of what I'm capable of. I've done nothing, so I guess I'm capable of nothing right now. I want to be special. I want to stand out. I want attention and I want to feel valuable and important! And that's really the crux of it - I want to be liked, I want to be popular, I want to have best friends and I want to feel like people care about me. I'm not getting that right now, and it makes me feel like maybe ... I don't really exist. I'm an outsider looking in and that will never be enough. Loneliness is what finally drove me to a place where I knew I needed help.

Well this seems to be a classic case of Despair to be oneself. That is you try so hard to be the person you want to be, but feel depressed when you realize you're not really that person. One of the great keys in life is to be the person you really are, not the person you want to be.

Part of the problem as I see it is your obsession with being "special" and being the center of attention. Since you're not "special" in the way you think you should be, nor not the center of attention - you feel that you're worthless as a person. That really isn't true, and perhaps you need to re-examine your perspectives on your life personally and life in general. For one thing, your self-image seems to be based too much on vanity.

A nice dosage of humility might do wonders for you. With humility, there's only one place to go and that's up. With vanity, it's the opposite, you can only go down. As the saying goes: Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. Humble yourself, so that you may ultimately be exalted.

In order to be loved by others, one must first be lovable. And that means being able to love yourself for who you really are.

So I feel like I'm wasting my life and have yet to actually do anything, least of all plunge in and actually live a meaningful life. I may be 19, but most 13 year olds have lived more than I have!

Again I can sympathise. I can only say that your life is your life, and you must come to terms with it. You can't help what others have done, you can only help what you do. Living life being envious of others is no way to live. Be thankful for what you have already, and what you have already done.

As for other people; St. Paul probably provides the best of advice: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another." (Romans 12:15-16)

With that, friendship and companionship should surely follow in your wake.

That's all I have to say for now. I hope I've been of some help to you. If you want, I'm more than willing to continue this discussion in private.

Take care of yourself.

 

[takeheart]

Well this seems to be a classic case of Despair to be oneself. That is you try so hard to be the person you want to be, but feel depressed when you realize you're not really that person. One of the great keys in life is to be the person you really are, not the person you want to be.

The old Idealized Self vs. Despised Self. Would you really be surprised to hear that my Enneagram type is 4? Existential crises and envy are a way of life for me.

Part of the problem as I see it is your obsession with being "special" and being the center of attention. Since you're not "special" in the way you think you should be, nor not the center of attention - you feel that you're worthless as a person. That really isn't true, and perhaps you need to re-examine your perspectives on your life personally and life in general. For one thing, your self-image seems to be based too much on vanity.

It's not vanity. Trust me, I don't have even the tiniest bit of potential for vanity. The need for attention and external validation = trying to get the thing I've never had that seems to make everyone around me so happy. And being the center of attention is how I force myself to leave my own head and lock the door behind me for a while (a reprieve I'm always desperate for). Those feelings didn't even manifest until I was a few years into depression. They're not the core of it.

Anyway, the point of this was trying to confirm my type through all of the Sturm und Drang. I think I got it! :O

 

[LavaLucy]

Sometimes I get frustrated too.. trying to be I guess someone ideal in my mind..obviously I can't pull it off and it's taken me a while to realise that I suppose. Sometimes I can't stop trying though for better or worse.

And I can DEFINITELY relate to wanting to be appreciated. When I'm upset/depressed already over something I usually can't help but wind back at the Nobody loves me stage however silly that might sound. Obviously a lot of people care, I wonder why it's just so hard to feel it! !!!!
I hope you feel better soon (go team)

 

[Sniffles]

The old Idealized Self vs. Despised Self. Would you really be surprised to hear that my Enneagram type is 4? Existential crises and envy are a way of life for me. p

No, in fact that was one of my first impressions upon reading your posts. And I say this as a fellow Enneagram 4.

Yes, they can be a way of life for us - and that's why I usually say they represent perennial challenges. That is, we need to overcome those tendencies as much as possible, but with the realistic perspective they're never going to completely go away. That way, we don't have to beat ourselves up when we falter now and then.

It's not vanity. Trust me, I don't have even the tiniest bit of potential for vanity.

Well usually when people wish to be the center of attention, it's an issue of vanity. That's why I stated that.

The need for attention and external validation = trying to get the thing I've never had that seems to make everyone around me so happy.

Well of course, it's natural to desire external validation. Im sure this is especially true for you because you're an extrovert. But even as an Introvert with Fe, I often like to connect with others. So yes I sympathise.

 

[Neo Genesis]

NFs: What makes you sad? What makes you feel absolutely miserable? What could - or has - plunged you into depression?

Frustration with myself and those around me. You see, in my mind there is this ideal of who I aim to be, and whenever I can't act accordingly, it seems to trigger a deep, melancholy feeling within me. Honestly, I set a very high bar for myself. With other people, its more a sadness that most only care about trivial goals, i.e. getting drunk this weekend, or hooking up with a different girl each night. That also depresses me a bit.

Well this seems to be a classic case of Despair to be oneself. That is you try so hard to be the person you want to be, but feel depressed when you realize you're not really that person. One of the great keys in life is to be the person you really are, not the person you want to be.

Damn this sounds like me. Too stubborn to quit, though.

 

[Dwigie]

Frustration with myself and those around me. You see, in my mind there is this ideal of who I aim to be, and whenever I can't act accordingly, it seems to trigger a deep, melancholy feeling within me. Honestly, I set a very high bar for myself. With other people, its more a sadness that most only care about trivial goals, i.e. getting drunk this weekend, or hooking up with a different girl each night. That also depresses me a bit.



Damn this sounds like me. Too stubborn to quit, though.

same here my friend, same here

 

[Lalaru]

Thinking about the universe makes me feel depressed. I feel worthless and that everything I do is pointless ( well, it is. :\). What's the point? I ask myself that question everyday. What is the point? If only there was a pill that could cure me of that question. I just feel so detached from people and society sometimes. I always ask myself those questions people tell me have no answers. People make me sad sometimes, but I am closed off from most of them so I don't really have to bother with that set of trivialities.

 

[Neo Genesis]

Thinking about the universe makes me feel depressed. I feel worthless and that everything I do is pointless ( well, it is. :\). What's the point? I ask myself that question everyday. What is the point? If only there was a pill that could cure me of that question. I just feel so detached from people and society sometimes. I always ask myself those questions people tell me have no answers. People make me sad sometimes, but I am closed off from most of them so I don't really have to bother with that set of trivialities.

You'd lose so much more than just that question. I've been through that phase. Even if all of our actions are pointless, it doesn't change the fact that our choices impact the lives of everyone around us. To me, these connections are the meaning of life. So, even though I disagree with the morals of many of my peers, I'm still determined to forge relationships with those people.

 

[GZA]

A lack of regular meaningful accomplishment can send me into a downward spiral.

Me too. The old saying that keeping busy is the key to happiness is absolutely true. If I can't have something I'm dedicated too, that I work hard on, and that I accomplish things with, I will feel like crap. It's an addiction, it's as much part of my mental sanity as anything. For me it's music, and if I can't think about music and try to make something on a daily basis I'll start to get stressed out and I'll even get headaches sometimes. I honestly can't imagine how fucked I'd be if I didn't have hobbies that I am always passionate about. I think thats a good place to start, finding soemthing that can occupy you're thoughts, where you can learn, that no one can take away from you.

Even if our universal, cosmic existence is insignificant and meaningless, doesn't mean we can't feel happy and kick some ass while we're still here.

But I'm slightly younger then you so maybe I'll hit a brick wall...

 

[placebo]

When I feel 'stuck' in a situation I can't handle, and I become frustrated and depressed. When I feel far from what I want and what I think I'd be comfortable with. I think that's basically it. Also when I feel really really tired or in some sort of pain, but I think that is sort of all tied in with each other.