AllTheCake
New member
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2017
- Messages
- 1
- MBTI Type
- ENFJ
First time poster, long time listener ... etc etc.
So here's a story - insights welcomed!
I an an ENFJ (but an independent one who likes alone time... yup, self growth baby). I'm a married/recently separated ENFJ. I was married for 8 years to an ISFJ and did a lot of the emotional labour in that relationship. A year ago my mum got terminal cancer (she died several months ago) and I did a hell of a lot more emotional work on that front too. And my ISFJ husband was GONE (emotionally) from the second she was diagnosed.
So here I am, about 8 months ago, wobbling along. And a former INTP fling/never quite happened/timing was terrible messages me. 12 years ago we had a fling and his mum died at that time. I had been thinking about him and how I didn't understand the complexity of what he was going through. Then he texts. And we keep texting. We send pictures, books, our own writing (I wrote a 'bleed all over the keyboard' type memoir about dying mothers who you have complicated lives with), lines from books, poetry and the odd 'hang in there' to each other.
And my mum dies. And I travel for work to where this INFP lives. And I finally dissolve into the emotional puddle I couldn't be while I was holding everyone else up. And we have this incredibly intense two days of talking and hugging and being... and all the talking.. about how things were 12 years ago, about who we are now, everything.
And it was like someone held a mirror up and I finally felt all the anger disappointment and exhaustion with my husband I had been ignoring while mum was sick. And that Mr INTP was the one walking with me the whole time - he was the second person I messaged after my dad when my mum died in front of me.
So I said to Mr INTP I have to go now... I have to go home and face the fact my marriage is over and my life is a freaking mess.
So I do that. I've been living apart from my husband for 6 weeks, and I feel much better for it.
Mr INTP and I have kept on texting in our usual way... sometimes he's very 'oh my god I miss you', sometimes he's 'this is a disaster in the making what are we doing', sometimes he just retreats (and I let him go, then say I see what's he doing and it's fine. I'm here, I'll always be here. Even if it's only as a friend because he got me through the hardest year of my life). But he comes back.
Next week I'm going to where he lives again and we are having dinner.
I think we're both a bit petrified... he's 38 and had his partner walk out on him for someone else 7 years ago and hasn't really been involved with anyone since (one girl, for 12 months). And for me, this is actually the second time in my life I've thrown in a (not great) long term relationship after an intense conversation with him (that's what I did 12 years ago too!).
I think we want to feel all romantic and like it's fate, but we're terrified. It helps we are in different cities so it is by circumstance all very slow. He's fixed in his ways after so long living alone... I've wrapped myself around someone else (as us ENFJs do) and am determined to shape my life around me.
Somewhere in there is a question.... ahh, I think it's, is this just what starting a relationship with an INFP is like when you're an ENFJ?
Is the fact he still texts and has gone an organised a pretty romantic dinner next week a good sign, even though he gets distant sometimes and is clearly ruminating endlessly on the situation?
It is all too dreamy?!
So here's a story - insights welcomed!
I an an ENFJ (but an independent one who likes alone time... yup, self growth baby). I'm a married/recently separated ENFJ. I was married for 8 years to an ISFJ and did a lot of the emotional labour in that relationship. A year ago my mum got terminal cancer (she died several months ago) and I did a hell of a lot more emotional work on that front too. And my ISFJ husband was GONE (emotionally) from the second she was diagnosed.
So here I am, about 8 months ago, wobbling along. And a former INTP fling/never quite happened/timing was terrible messages me. 12 years ago we had a fling and his mum died at that time. I had been thinking about him and how I didn't understand the complexity of what he was going through. Then he texts. And we keep texting. We send pictures, books, our own writing (I wrote a 'bleed all over the keyboard' type memoir about dying mothers who you have complicated lives with), lines from books, poetry and the odd 'hang in there' to each other.
And my mum dies. And I travel for work to where this INFP lives. And I finally dissolve into the emotional puddle I couldn't be while I was holding everyone else up. And we have this incredibly intense two days of talking and hugging and being... and all the talking.. about how things were 12 years ago, about who we are now, everything.
And it was like someone held a mirror up and I finally felt all the anger disappointment and exhaustion with my husband I had been ignoring while mum was sick. And that Mr INTP was the one walking with me the whole time - he was the second person I messaged after my dad when my mum died in front of me.
So I said to Mr INTP I have to go now... I have to go home and face the fact my marriage is over and my life is a freaking mess.
So I do that. I've been living apart from my husband for 6 weeks, and I feel much better for it.
Mr INTP and I have kept on texting in our usual way... sometimes he's very 'oh my god I miss you', sometimes he's 'this is a disaster in the making what are we doing', sometimes he just retreats (and I let him go, then say I see what's he doing and it's fine. I'm here, I'll always be here. Even if it's only as a friend because he got me through the hardest year of my life). But he comes back.
Next week I'm going to where he lives again and we are having dinner.
I think we're both a bit petrified... he's 38 and had his partner walk out on him for someone else 7 years ago and hasn't really been involved with anyone since (one girl, for 12 months). And for me, this is actually the second time in my life I've thrown in a (not great) long term relationship after an intense conversation with him (that's what I did 12 years ago too!).
I think we want to feel all romantic and like it's fate, but we're terrified. It helps we are in different cities so it is by circumstance all very slow. He's fixed in his ways after so long living alone... I've wrapped myself around someone else (as us ENFJs do) and am determined to shape my life around me.
Somewhere in there is a question.... ahh, I think it's, is this just what starting a relationship with an INFP is like when you're an ENFJ?
Is the fact he still texts and has gone an organised a pretty romantic dinner next week a good sign, even though he gets distant sometimes and is clearly ruminating endlessly on the situation?
It is all too dreamy?!
