[ENFP] When ENFP shuts you down?

[Dreamer]

My perspective on her change quite a bit when I read up on ENFPs, so I thought there may be some connections with regards to this saga.

She affirmed me that I did nothing to offend her during our minor argument. Based on my investigations, someone offended her and made her cry. However, she still treat that person like how she treat others after a while (Plus a bit of complaining to me when we're still good lol). Thus, I rule out the possibility that I offend her. What she's doing now is practically treating me as invisible, but seems to be listening to my conversation whenever I talked to others (INFJ intuition ringing maybe?)

So you're implying that there is something more than just plain shutting people down?

Then again, ENFP are the most lovable and energetic people I've known so it really caught me off guard when they indulge in passive aggressive behaviours.

Ni/Se is great at picking up patterns in the environment and predicting outcomes, but when it comes to people and understanding them, I feel it's more hit or miss. There can be many different reasons for her treating you differently. One such possibility, as plain as it sounds, IS she actually treating you differently compared to other people? Is there objective patterns to her behavior? Perhaps because you feel a certain attitude coming from her, you are then treating her differently, which then she may be picking up on, and thus, treating you differently. So sure, she could be treating you differently, but are your conclusions as to why, certain? I'm probably filling your head now with more information than is needed, but in short, there could be so many possibilities when dealing with people, and unless you feel you have great experience working with them, understanding them, knowing their emotions and how they can steer people every which way, I'm afraid your Ni/Se may not be as accurate as you may think. It could be dead on for all I know.

And as for ENFPs shutting people down, yes, there is much to that I'm afraid, and it isn't some quick and dry problem solving venture. Since an NFPs values are so personal and experience based, you can't just assume one NFP will hold the same truths as another. It's highly subjective.

For your last line, I'd bet the passive agressiveness is more based off of someone's emotional maturity and handling of it in a given situation. How they react to situations and to people, how they handle stress and the such. Any type can be passive aggressive. Personally that behavior is a pet peeve of mine, but I know why some people choose that route. It's just another mode of dealing with their emotions. It's just not one I prefer dealing with.

 

[JLiew]

Just some food for thought, there are certainly times I can remove myself as much as possible and get into a sort of "Te" work mode of efficiency and just a get-the-job-done mentality, but even then, it is nearly impossible for me to remove myself from whatever I do. That's what I believe, can make interacting with NFPs a bit tricky if they don't readily give people the benefit of the doubt, or if others do not recognize this. A criticism on their work, their ideas, their artwork, whatever, is indirectly a criticism towards the person that created it. For the NFP, it can actually feel like a direct criticism. I've had to practice removing myself from my work and allowing criticism to occur with the understanding that people aren't trying to attack me. It may sound stupid, but that's really my default mode, is attaching myself so readily to whatever I do, create, or share.

I mention this because, I'm not sure how old you guys are, or how emotionally mature she may be, but even if you outright tell her this is a workplace environment, let's keep it professional, if there is at all, any personal investment into her relationship with you, even just as friends, or from what it sounds, like there may be something more, then it may be hard for her to remove herself from the situation and to just keep it professional. I wouldn't be so quick to say her actions aren't "professional". It sounds as though it may impede on getting some things done, but if she isn't emotionally mature, have had many life experiences to grow from, etc., then this arrangement may be more difficult for her to remove herself from the situation.

Yes, I understand where you're getting at. We are humans after all. There's a certain limit one can "pretend". This is why I let her be and didn't question her behavior because I'm trying to empathize what she is going through.

 

[JLiew]

Ni/Se is great at picking up patterns in the environment and predicting outcomes, but when it comes to people and understanding them, I feel it's more hit or miss. There can be many different reasons for her treating you differently. One such possibility, as plain as it sounds, IS she actually treating you differently compared to other people? Is there objective patterns to her behavior? Perhaps because you feel a certain attitude coming from her, you are then treating her differently, which then she may be picking up on, and thus, treating you differently. So sure, she could be treating you differently, but are your conclusions as to why, certain? I'm probably filling your head now with more information than is needed, but in short, there could be so many possibilities when dealing with people, and unless you feel you have great experience working with them, understanding them, knowing their emotions and how they can steer people every which way, I'm afraid your Ni/Se may not be as accurate as you may think. It could be dead on for all I know.

And as for ENFPs shutting people down, yes, there is much to that I'm afraid, and it isn't some quick and dry problem solving venture. Since an NFPs values are so personal and experience based, you can't just assume one NFP will hold the same truths as another. It's highly subjective.

For your last line, I'd bet the passive agressiveness is more based off of someone's emotional maturity and handling of it in a given situation. How they react to situations and to people, how they handle stress and the such. Any type can be passive aggressive. Personally that behavior is a pet peeve of mine, but I know why some people choose that route. It's just another mode of dealing with their emotions. It's just not one I prefer dealing with.

Well, I'd safely say that she's treating me differently as compared to other people and before this thing happen. Yes, there may be thousands of reasons why she's reacting that way, hence I didn't make any comments or outright criticize her. The only thing I did was to leave the door open if she wants to talk, while leaving her alone and focus on myself.

Here's how a typical day at work looks like now:-
Me: Good morning!
Her: Hello...
(Coworker comes in 5 minutes later)
Her: HELLUUUUU!!!!

Compared with the past, we are always talking, teasing and fooling around. We will literally fill the whole office with our voice and even our boss wants to separate us.

I still greet her everyday when I see her, politely ask if she wants to go for lunch together from time to time (Knowing she'll reject me either way), which means I still treat her like how I treat my fellow colleagues. Up till now, my Ni/Se has not fail me after I start to listen to it, as for its accuracy, I won't jump into conclusion just yet.

I will take note of everything you've mentioned here

 

[Amargith]

A great number of insights have already been provided here, but I'll add one more thing that is true for myself:

INFJs are a double-edged sword for me. They tend to share that delicious N-dom quality, so I get on with them really well. However...when I then relax around them (and potentially feel myself attracted to them), I slam into that 'proper space and distance' propriety thing they do - and I feel embarrassed that I forgot about that. Once I do that two or three times, I tend to reign myself in around them - especially if I value them and feel admiration towards them. It becomes this push-pull thing within which then...well, leads to resentment, in some cases, which in turn leads towards a need to just escape from the situation.

I'm not saying that that is what is going on, to that extent here, but...ime, INFJs tend to 'manage' people on a moral level. And I really don't respond well to having that done for me. I know some ENFPs really relish that kind of guidance and I suspect I would too, given the right INFJ, but it also feels patronising and limiting to me in many cases (especially when I feel they're trying to control me, something I'm really sensitive to). Again, not saying that that part is applicable here, but just adding it in for reference.

My point is, she may be reacting to that natural tendency of an INFJ by trying to adhere to what you put out there as an example - i.e. the never shit where you work thing, and many other small 'rules' that you naturally adhere to in your work-space. She might be trying to mirror you, subconsciously, because that is what you hold dear, what you clearly value, and so on, and therefore suppressing her more boisterous nature in favor for your 'method'....if that makes sense at all

 

[Norrsken]

Yes, I agree with you. I only converse with her only when necessary. However, there are times when she will ignore me even I'm asking about work related matters. Furthermore, we have to work together, and her actions really shows that she's unprofessional, and it will affect my productivity as well. This is why I wishes to clear the air.

Contact the higher up managers to seek their advice on how to clear this dispute. They will even have a strong word with her if she keeps this up. Best of luck.

 

[Starry]

Technically, yes. I was looking at office politics or offending her initially, but it always links to attractions no matter how I twist my words while looking for possible/similar scenarios online. The phrase "don't sh*t where you eat" has been a principle for me years ago. I did not specifically told her though. Back then, we were gossiping about our ex-coworker getting romantically involved with another ex-coworker but they denied when questioned. I then casually mentioned that I don't sh*t where I eat, which she agreed too.

If I were to piece the puzzles together, I started to sense changes in her approximately 2 months back. We started to leave office together. In her POV, leaving together has a meaning (She used to tease me when I leave the office with an intern previously). Then there's one day when we had to work overtime, where her's was under our boss instruction and mine was voluntarily due to work overload. I think I gave her the wrong impression that I'm waiting for her, and she clocked out for me when she's ready to leave. I "rejected" her approach because I was genuinely busy, and we stopped leaving together after that day. That was the first slight change I sensed from her in terms of attitude. Then, she proceeded to ask me whether I'm working overtime a few days later. I didn't read between the lines and left on the dot. She didn't say anything when I said goodbye. The very next day, she shut me down. This is purely an assumption aside from the "I think I offended her and she shut me down" theory.

Looking at personalities really change my perspective about this situation, which is why I thought this may complement what I'm seeking.

I was just coming here to respond with a "yes, she likes you and now knowing her behavior is born of positive rather than negative feelings for you perhaps it will be easier to excuse..." <-until I noticed [MENTION=26674]theforsaken[/MENTION]'s message. And she is absolutely right...if this ENFP is interfering with your ability to preform your job properly (I somehow missed this part of the story) then you must act quickly by approaching your supervisor.

Frankly, I no longer understand why you are even fucking around with typology in this instance attempting to determine "does she have a crush on me?" When someone is making you look bad at work...it don't matter what their dom and aux functions are...it don't matter if you're just too hot to work within a mile's radius of your common ENFP. You go and get this straightened out with your superiors today...my god.

 

[Amargith]

That, or you could take her aside, for a one-on-one, next time she ignores you. Be curious, not forceful, and just go 'Listen..it may be my imagination, but it seems like something is bothering you whenever we work together. Am I wrong here? And is there anything I can do to help you out? I'd hate for our professional relationship to be a burden to either one of us as I do enjoy working with you. '

That is - if what I've outlined is in fact true for you (otherwise she'll pick up on the placating and likely respond negatively to it).

Chances are, if it's in private and in an informal situation, while conducted with genuine curiosity to understand her, she'll break down and spill her guts.

Handle said guts with care and compassion and you may just resolve your issue just like that

 

[Starry]

That, or you could take her aside, for a one-on-one, next time she ignores you. Be curious, not forceful, and just go 'Listen..it may be my imagination, but it seems like something is bothering you whenever we work together. Am I wrong here? And is there anything I can do to help you out? I'd hate for our professional relationship to be a burden to either one of us as I do enjoy working with you. '

That is - if what I've outlined is in fact true for you (otherwise she'll pick up on the placating and likely respond negatively to it).

Chances are, if it's in private and in an informal situation, while conducted with genuine curiosity to understand her, she'll break down and spill her guts.

Handle said guts with care and compassion and you may just resolve your issue just like that

I agree with you that she is *most likely* unaware of the ways in which her behavior is interfering with the actual workflow and merely needs a wake-up call...

But I think it would still be advisable for the OP to inform a higher-up on what is happening and what he intends to do about it if he decides to handle it on his own. That's the advice I'd give to a loved one at least.

 

[Amargith]

I agree with you that she is *most likely* unaware of the ways in which her behavior is interfering with the actual workflow and merely needs a wake-up call...

But I think it would still be advisable for the OP to inform a higher-up on what is happening and what he intends to do about it if he decides to handle it on his own. That's the advice I'd give to a loved one at least.

That depends, I guess, on what the OP feels most comfortable with/competent at. As well as how big of an interference it is.

Going to management and involving other people could potentially turn this from a molehill into a mountain but is certainly advisable if he feels uncomfortable in proceeding. I tend to lean towards informally solving my own issues with others, and exhausting my options in opening lines of communications before I go through official channels, myself, as ime, that just complicates matters needlessly, and potentially complicates the relationship with feelings of resentment, embarrassment and god knows what else, on top of the initial stuff.

Meanwhile, if she's not doing this out of malice, it's unlikely that ' a talking to' from management is going to help her sort out how to actually adjust her behavior - the thing she's struggling with as it is.

Granted, I will gladly yield to your experience in working within a hierarchal structure - I tend to suck at that and don't respond well to it.

 

[Poki]

Purpose and avoidance. Based on their external environment. Te is defense function. Find logic, reasons, etc. driven from outside world.

 

[Starry]

That depends, I guess, on what the OP feels most comfortable with/competent at. As well as how big of an interference it is.

Going to management and involving other people could potentially turn this from a molehill into a mountain but is certainly advisable if he feels uncomfortable in proceeding. I tend to lean towards informally solving my own issues with others, and exhausting my options in opening lines of communications before I go through official channels, myself, as ime, that just complicates matters needlessly, and potentially complicates the relationship with feelings of resentment, embarrassment and god knows what else, on top of the initial stuff.

On top of that, if she's not doing this out of malice, it's unlikely that ' a talking to' from management is going to help her sort out how to actually adjust her behavior - the thing she's struggling with as it is.

Granted, I will gladly yield to your experience in working within a hierarchal structure - I tend to suck at that and don't respond well to it.

I'm not saying this is what I, myself, would do if in the same situation...I would exhaust informal channels as well for a variety of reasons including being in a small, closed-door office with an authority figure talking about bullshit is like catching a small glimpse into the depths of hell for me. But I also recognize that not everyone is a champion swimmer of the informal channels like I am...nor do they all come packin an enormous toolbox 'o charm that was acquired over an entire lifetime of not being a *good fit* for basically any formal institution in existence.

My advice was customized for the OP.

edit: I should add though since I just remembered! This advice is also coming from someone that had her ass-kicked in the workplace by an ESFJ that literally woke-up one day looking for an ass to kick and decided to kick mine. The only reasons I was able to quickly recover from her ass-kicking is due to what I described above...but I have wondered what would have happened to an introvert in my same spot or another person who doesn't know how to "walk the streets" of an office.

 

[Rebeka]

no one without some guilt feelings suffering forever