[INFJ] How do you stop overthinking/over analyzing in relationships?

[Sagacious]

The question applies to any type of relationship.

I always assume the worst even if I'm planning for the best. And, in my current relationship, my overthinking has gone into overdrive. It's become problematic for us both (Especially, considering we're both over thinkers.). There's this constant need of reassurance that shouldn't be there. Most of it is all in my head and I'm able to acknowledge that. The problem comes when the thoughts are so aggressive that I cannot let it go until he has given me some reassurance. But, even with reassurance, another interaction leads to more over analysis.

Example: We'll be messaging about something and he's a bit slower to reply or forgets to entirely. In the past, I had little problems with this and I understood why. But, even with this knowledge, my head takes that and turns it into "You screwed up somehow and you have to make it better or else everything will fall apart." this leads to even worse thoughts and irrational interactions with him that cause to stress on his end.

Any advice?

 

[jcloudz]

are you capable of being just as happy and comfortable with being alone? i know i am. being alone is not a scary thing.

 

[Sagacious]

are you capable of being just as happy and comfortable with being alone? i know i am. being alone is not a scary thing.

"You screwed up somehow and you have to make it better or else everything will fall apart."

It's not about being alone. I'm not sure how you interpreted what I said as fear of loneliness. I fear negatively effecting others and wasted time. Not, being alone.

 

[Eilonwy]

The question applies to any type of relationship.

I always assume the worst even if I'm planning for the best. And, in my current relationship, my overthinking has gone into overdrive. It's become problematic for us both (Especially, considering we're both over thinkers.). There's this constant need of reassurance that shouldn't be there. Most of it is all in my head and I'm able to acknowledge that. The problem comes when the thoughts are so aggressive that I cannot let it go until he has given me some reassurance. But, even with reassurance, another interaction leads to more over analysis.

Example: We'll be messaging about something and he's a bit slower to reply or forgets to entirely. In the past, I had little problems with this and I understood why. But, even with this knowledge, my head takes that and turns it into "You screwed up somehow and you have to make it better or else everything will fall apart." this leads to even worse thoughts and irrational interactions with him that cause to stress on his end.

Any advice?

Try mindfulness. Staying in the moment.

By the way, there is no easy fix. It will take effort.

 

[jcloudz]

Similar.

 

[Amargith]

Trust.

Also, remember that you dont have to be constantly 'on' in a relationship. In fact, home (with your partner) is where you should be able to kick back, relax and not be your best - where you can just be you.

The other person is gonna see your bad sides. That's just how it is, especially if you ever plan on living together. And just as you take his bad sides as part of who he is and even find them adorable (at least thats how it works for me), you have to trust that he'll be ok with you a) being a little neurotic and perfectionistic and b) that you're gonna slip up and not be perfect all the time. You're human - it's ok. And btw, he knows that already

While it is a good idea to periodically review your relationship to keep your finger on the pulse, so to speak, you don't have to do that every waking minute on every minute detail. Because that will in and of itself become a self-fulfilling prophecy, which you're likely aware of, otherwise you wouldn't be here

Also, try to focus your need to fix and optimise things somewhere else. This level of obsessing happens when you have nothing else to do, or when you're insecure about something being wrong, and/or because of past trauma's on this shit.

Apparently your partner is happy with how things are. And you are too, presumably. So focus that fidgety energy on something that *does* need addressing

 

[Forever]

I'm surprised you even got into a relationship so you must've had sufficient trust to get it.

It used to be a huge problem of mine and once in a while is.

The best thing you can do is ask some questions:

Does the person consistently talk this way with everyone else?

What is the subject matter are you asking urgent things that require responses or do you want deep discussion? (If the latter, if he or she isn't the deep person well you have to adapt then)

It would seem that most Pe doms would "forget" a lot when texting others without a good balance on their auxiliary.

When you actually see him or her again is he or she happy to see you? If not ask how he or she is doing. Give it a few days.

If you're hardly ever seeing this person and nothing is going to change. Consider breaking off the relationship sure you guys might like each other but your situation is only going to end in unhappiness if one or the other isn't ready for a serious relationship.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

The question applies to any type of relationship.

I always assume the worst even if I'm planning for the best. And, in my current relationship, my overthinking has gone into overdrive. It's become problematic for us both (Especially, considering we're both over thinkers.). There's this constant need of reassurance that shouldn't be there. Most of it is all in my head and I'm able to acknowledge that. The problem comes when the thoughts are so aggressive that I cannot let it go until he has given me some reassurance. But, even with reassurance, another interaction leads to more over analysis.

I can relate to a lot of what you say, and don't have a great answer, but will just share my experience. I always plan for the worst and hope for the best in pretty much everything, and I don't see that ending because it has served my life very well. I get stuck in negative thinking loops. For me it has to do with the way my female friends and acquaintances behave towards my partner. He is oblivious to them, but the women themselves really hurt my feelings. The point is that I also get stuck in strong, negative loops inside my head where I feel unheard, powerless, and emotionally bullied. I am too sensitive to it, but I think I am also aware of their subtle motivations that most people are blind to, so I do have a point. I'm not completely crazy. I will take some anti-anxiety medication at times, but it doesn't help that much. One funny strategy I came up with is to randomize my thought processes. Since the actual neural pathways get reinforced like tire tracks in mud, I think about a series of completely random ideas like: "blue sky, pencil, Tuesday at 3:00, white fur, Fiona Apple, etc. I try to make zero connection between each concept. It's not a miracle fix, but I have felt it break up the obsessive loops.

I'm not sure if we are similar in this or not, but I have two general poles of being: one is quite serious, deep, overthinking, seeing all the horrors in the world, the philosophical meaning, etc. and the other is rather silly. That absurd silliness does save me from losing my mind. I have a big floppy carrot onesie pajamas and bunny slippers that I wear at the end of stressful days. I also watch many, many, many comedies and silly stuff. Do you have an inner child gear you can shift into? The experience and thinking that happened before you had to become an adult and face all the complexities and mess of surviving? If you can find that spot then it helps to decompress the tension and goes a long way to lighten a relationship.

It's also worth valuing exactly who you are. It is special that you overthink in a world where may people flippantly move along without paying attention. It is good to accept a wider range of being that includes some "negative" stuff because even that is part of what makes you unique and not just a generally ideal person. It's okay to be flawed, even deeply flawed.

Example: We'll be messaging about something and he's a bit slower to reply or forgets to entirely. In the past, I had little problems with this and I understood why. But, even with this knowledge, my head takes that and turns it into "You screwed up somehow and you have to make it better or else everything will fall apart." this leads to even worse thoughts and irrational interactions with him that cause to stress on his end.

Any advice?

I'm dating an NF (who strangely enough I can't tell if he's INFJ or ENFP), but he almost never answers my texts. That is a very guy thing. That particular thing is not a trigger for me, but it has crossed my mind that it could be annoying him if he doesn't answer, but that isn't it. Maybe insert silliness as needed in this case as well?

 

[Forever]

[MENTION=14857]labyrinthine[/MENTION] I answer texts from everyone I like, I understand the guy thing you mean though but it seems to be a girl thing too lol

 

[Amargith]

^I do that.

I get depleted on human interaction, or certain types of convo and cannot find the energy to reply. And..scatterbrained as I am, I actually sometimes forget to text back, so I dont mind a reminder after like a day or so, especially if its a time-sensitive issue (those I usually try to reply instantly though, no matter what though).

It's not a personal comment on the person - it's just recharging time

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

^I do that.

I get depleted on human interaction, or certain types of convo and cannot find the energy to reply. And..scatterbrained as I am, I actually sometimes forget to text back, so I dont mind a reminder after like a day or so, especially if its a time-sensitive issue (those I usually try to reply instantly though, no matter what though).

I don't get very many personal texts, but I sometimes wait too long on other, business/professional/acquaintance texts. Sometimes they come in while I'm working and there isn't a way to respond. If I don't leave them highlighted, then I can forget.

It's not a personal comment on the person - it's just recharging time

And sometimes the phone needs time to recharge as well.

 

[anticlimatic]

Dump Ni for Se. Lean on your baser impulses.

Instead of picking things apart, create things instead. Plan dates and outings. Look forward to positive and productive aspects of the future.

 

[thepink-cloakedninja]

I struggle with this a little bit, too, sometimes. It's hard.
Here are some things that could help with overthinking:

1. Journal. Write out why the persons actions are bothering you, how specifically the actions make you feel, and what it means for your relationship. This will help bring clarity to muddled ideas and emotions, and will help you view the situation more logically. If your thoughts and feelings about the situation are irrational, then journaling will help reveal this, and if there really is some truth to your foreboding, then again, journaling will help. If the persons actions cause you to doubt their feelings for you, then I'd also suggest making a list of things the person has done that make you feel important to them, and a list of things that make you feel devalued, and then see which one is bigger. Journaling is also really helpful for INFJs because they often have a hard time with their own emotions (Fe), so putting them out into their external environment via journaling is a wonderful tool.

2. Go do something besides think. Go for a walk, watch a Netflix show, take a nap. Just get yourself out of the overthinking cycle.

3. Talk to a trusted friend/mentor. This is an awesome tool for anyone, but it can be really helpful for INFJs because again, their Fe makes it hard for them to realize their own feelings. Talking to someone about the situation will help you with that, and you can gain valuable insights from an outside opinion (plus emotional support, and strengthening your relationship with your confidant).

And last of all, DON'T dismiss your overthinking as invalid. Your feelings are always valid, even if they don't reflect reality, because there's a reason you're feeling them. Try to figure out what the root cause of your overthinking is, and then work on healing the wound, instead of attacking your symptoms (your overthinking/negative emotions).

 

[Forever]

Dump Ni for Se. Lean on your baser impulses.

Instead of picking things apart, create things instead. Plan dates and outings. Look forward to positive and productive aspects of the future.

Jumping down the stack is probably not the best way to go. Do the same with Fe and Se will be naturally strengthened.

 

[Sagacious]

DON'T dismiss your overthinking as invalid. Your feelings are always valid, even if they don't reflect reality, because there's a reason you're feeling them. Try to figure out what the root cause of your overthinking is, and then work on healing the wound, instead of attacking your symptoms (your overthinking/negative emotions).

Something happened last night that brought part of the root to the surface: He had used the "L" word recently and we both said it to each other. This was the trigger for the problem. His reassurance is not what I'm seeking. What I found is that I'm seeking reassurance from myself that this is something I'm ready for. Letting someone new into my world. And, I've been taking apart of all his actions and words in order to find some "flaw" or "problem" to be used an excuse to not allow him to cross those boundaries. It's not that I don't want him in, it's my struggle with need control. Once he is in, I don't think I'll be able to suppress anything.

 

[Aitog]

This gets better with maturity. I used to overthink a heck of a lot in my 20s, which mostly disappeared by the time I hit 30. It is not necessarily an age-related phenomenon, it is dependent upon when YOU become comfortable with who/what you are and the self-confidence that sprouts forth from that.

 

[Evo]

Trust.

Also, remember that you dont have to be constantly 'on' in a relationship. In fact, home (with your partner) is where you should be able to kick back, relax and not be your best - where you can just be you.

The other person is gonna see your bad sides. That's just how it is, especially if you ever plan on living together. And just as you take his bad sides as part of who he is and even find them adorable (at least thats how it works for me), you have to trust that he'll be ok with you a) being a little neurotic and perfectionistic and b) that you're gonna slip up and not be perfect all the time. You're human - it's ok. And btw, he knows that already

While it is a good idea to periodically review your relationship to keep your finger on the pulse, so to speak, you don't have to do that every waking minute on every minute detail. Because that will in and of itself become a self-fulfilling prophecy, which you're likely aware of, otherwise you wouldn't be here

Also, try to focus your need to fix and optimise things somewhere else. This level of obsessing happens when you have nothing else to do, or when you're insecure about something being wrong, and/or because of past trauma's on this shit.

Apparently your partner is happy with how things are. And you are too, presumably. So focus that fidgety energy on something that *does* need addressing

This is some good shit. Especially the bold.



Edit:

I struggle with this a little bit, too, sometimes. It's hard.
Here are some things that could help with overthinking:

1. Journal. Write out why the persons actions are bothering you, how specifically the actions make you feel, and what it means for your relationship. This will help bring clarity to muddled ideas and emotions, and will help you view the situation more logically. If your thoughts and feelings about the situation are irrational, then journaling will help reveal this, and if there really is some truth to your foreboding, then again, journaling will help. If the persons actions cause you to doubt their feelings for you, then I'd also suggest making a list of things the person has done that make you feel important to them, and a list of things that make you feel devalued, and then see which one is bigger. Journaling is also really helpful for INFJs because they often have a hard time with their own emotions (Fe), so putting them out into their external environment via journaling is a wonderful tool.

2. Go do something besides think. Go for a walk, watch a Netflix show, take a nap. Just get yourself out of the overthinking cycle.

3. Talk to a trusted friend/mentor. This is an awesome tool for anyone, but it can be really helpful for INFJs because again, their Fe makes it hard for them to realize their own feelings. Talking to someone about the situation will help you with that, and you can gain valuable insights from an outside opinion (plus emotional support, and strengthening your relationship with your confidant).

And last of all, DON'T dismiss your overthinking as invalid. Your feelings are always valid, even if they don't reflect reality, because there's a reason you're feeling them. Try to figure out what the root cause of your overthinking is, and then work on healing the wound, instead of attacking your symptoms (your overthinking/negative emotions).

This is also some good shit.

 

[thepink-cloakedninja]

Something happened last night that brought part of the root to the surface: He had used the "L" word recently and we both said it to each other. This was the trigger for the problem. His reassurance is not what I'm seeking. What I found is that I'm seeking reassurance from myself that this is something I'm ready for. Letting someone new into my world. And, I've been taking apart of all his actions and words in order to find some "flaw" or "problem" to be used an excuse to not allow him to cross those boundaries. It's not that I don't want him in, it's my struggle with need control. Once he is in, I don't think I'll be able to suppress anything.

I'm glad you discovered that about yourself! I mean, I'm not glad that it was there to discover, but I'm glad you found it so that way it wouldn't keep making problems ... you know what I mean. xD

 

[kotoshinohaisha]

Shut up your feelings. Use your thinking. You'll be surprised. You made the wrong choice. XD

Sent from my E5823 using Tapatalk

 

[VILLANELLE]

I just remember the good times we've had and I calm myself down. Lately I'm getting people sort of reaching out to me, so my anxiety is not directed/focused on whether people like me or not. And I crave external validation all the time.