[INFP] INFP with a Fear of Intimacy Now Ignoring Me

[1487610420]

good for him

 

[CandyCane11]

That's why I am advising you to date other men and try to forget your ex in case he never does come back.

Thanks I do appreciate it. I am trying. I mean I have the same logic. I'm just incredibly picky on who I get into a relationship with. Dating gets old. And then it just reminds me of how well I connected with him and how well we matched up. I mean weeks after he pushed me away he told me I was perfect for him. It's not just from my perspective (though it may be just mine now. Lol.).

 

[ceecee]

This wasn't a relationship.
Also for my age, that's not a bad number of failed relationships.
You may want to check your reading comprehension skills. You have many errors in your post.

Six years long, not six years ago, my mistake but the rest is correct. If it wasn't a relationship it must have been something to warrant 5 paragraphs. All that for a casual thing?

 

[CandyCane11]

good for him

There's no need to be cruel. This is a very painful situation.

 

[1487610420]

There's no need to be cruel. This is a very painful situation.

candor =/= cruelty

 

[Norrsken]

I mean weeks after he pushed me away he told me I was perfect for him.

Don't listen to his pretty words. Anybody can say those things and not mean it.
Look at his actions instead. If you don't, you'll only end up hurting yourself.

And please be kind to the other folks here who are only trying to help you, even if you do not agree with their views.
Your ex sounds majorly confused, but you shouldn't care anymore. He fucked up, and now he gets to lose you. Move on.

 

[CandyCane11]

Six years long, not six years ago, my mistake but the rest is correct. If it wasn't a relationship it must have been something to warrant 5 paragraphs. All that for a casual thing?

Well not technically so.
Listen, I am constantly blaming myself for a lot of things. I analyze the hell out of a lot of things. I've learned a lot over the years about people and what I've personally done wrong in relationships. I don't need you to tell me that. And I don't come on here for anything else. I think my last post was 2-3 years ago?
I did things wrong here too. But it was after he pushed me away. Had I known where he was, I wouldn't have gotten involved to begin with. But he wanted me around so no way he'd tell me something that would make me run. I don't blame him. I feel pain for him. He went through a lot of pain and I know what that is like. We talked a lot about it. This was not really about me.

 

[CandyCane11]

Don't listen to his pretty words. Anybody can say those things and not mean it. Look at his actions instead. If you don't, you'll only end up hurting yourself. And please be kind to the other folks here who are only trying to help you, even if you do not agree with their views. Your ex sounds majorly confused, but you shouldn't care anymore. He fucked up, and now he gets to lose you. Move on.

Right I know. I questioned the situation a lot. Are you familiar with fear of intimacy? I read up on it a lot. Apparently people who have these fears actually prefer being around emotionally unavailable people because they don't have to get close. They actually push away the ones they feel strongest for and relate to the most.
Your advice is definitely the logical thing to do and I get it logically.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Right I know. I questioned the situation a lot. Are you familiar with fear of intimacy? I read up on it a lot. Apparently people who have these fears actually prefer being around emotionally unavailable people because they don't have to get close. They actually push away the ones they feel strongest for and relate to the most.
Your advice is definitely the logical thing to do and I get it logically.

Not only logically the best advice. Emotionally and mentally as well.

You may never figure out the key to his 'fear of intimacy' because those things are layered and complex.

You don't want to be his psychologist. You want to be his girlfriend and he doesn't want that, sadly. I'm sorry. I know it hurts.

Is he paying you $70 an hour to analyse him? Nope.

Time to find a guy with less intimacy issues and this is a lesson for you to maybe recognize guys who are emotionally unavailable?

Take that info and don't repeat the pattern the next guy around. Good luck!

 

[senza tema]

If he says he's not ready, he's not ready. Not only that but he will probably never be. The fact that he's an INFP or has had a rocky emotional past or complex depths of feeling doesn't change the content of his message. It sounds like he was trying a variation of "It's not you, it's me" while telling you how perfect he thought you were so as not to hurt your feelings or make you think like you'd done something wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that he can't find it in himself to get over his past and be with you wholeheartedly, and his actions suggest that he wants to date other people. Whether or not these relationships are shallow isn't any of your business; nor does it have any bearing on your situation other than the fact that this is the choice he's made. Don't doom yourself to a cycle of hope and disappointment by sticking around. Move on ... as far as you can ... and keep it that way. No contact. No wondering whether it's been long enough to reach out to him.

Speaking from personal experience, I was in a relationship with an ENFP who pushed me away after years of being together in a very similar way to what this INFP is doing. I gave him many chances to come around. It didn't work and we broke up but part of me still hoped we could stay in touch and something would work. We kept in touch for a little while longer until he just stopped talking to me one day. It hurt like a bitch and I tormented myself for a while wondering if he'd found someone else but regardless, radio silence was exactly what I needed to move on for good.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

Is he paying you $70 an hour to analyse him? Nope.

Hey Candy ! You'll have to pay each of us on the forum 70 (and for me it will be in euros :hi for the analysis.


Just a last word, avoiding commitment isn't the same as avoiding intimacy. If you are this "perfect for him", and you are convinced he was honest saying so,

you could be very patient and try to make him go over his own fears. But that behaviour would require A BIG DEAL OF time, patience, maturity, devotion.

My last date did this for me. But for him to go over my intimate boundaries I was willing him to understand my fears. I would not have done that with just anyone.

It was the right man at the right time and the right place.


Yes ! I'm quite idealistic ! SO LOOK :

There is nothing impossible. BUT : that depends if that "perfection" was just a flattery/excuse of some kind for you to leave him alone

or if behind this sentence there is fear (and maybe some hope for you if he decides to OPEN UP to YOU).

As you are the girl living in this situation you should be the only one able to answer that question. And my last advise : if he fucks everything up without opening himself to you,

with the only intention of protecting himself, let it drop, because DENIAL (of feelings) will lead you NOWHERE.