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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ and INFP friendship problems

    I am an INFJ and my best friend is an INFP. We are pretty close and keep each other up to date on the goings on in our lives, via social media and usually catch up in person every week or two weeks.

    However, if the gap between meet ups goes beyond that time, I find myself at the receiving end of a resentful message that suggests she has taken this prolonged time apart personally/that she feels like she has to 'chase me'.

    This is the fundamental difference between us: Her need for social contact is a lot higher than mine, but my social circle is a lot wider - I am committed to numerous sporting/social hobbies after work during the week, and I also need to make time to hang out with my partner, other friends and family on the weekends. These commitments combined with my (actually highly) introverted personality, mean that I also need to set aside at least two days in the week for some solid introverting and to focus on my solo hobbies. I need to plan pretty far into the future with my social commitments (which I'm pretty sure my friend finds irritating in general as she is more spontaneous).

    At the moment it has been close to a month since we've hung out, as a few very important/non-negotiable things have come up in my life (family & partner commitments), so socially I have been MIA. We still checked in with each other during that time via social media. Despite this contact, I could *feel* this resentment growing from her end (delayed responses, carefully worded replies, etc). Until today when I received the inevitable resentful message from her.

    My INFP friend is a very emotionally and intellectually unique/complex person, whom I respect deeply and connect with on many different levels. It is so hard for me to find people that I connect so well with and the friendship is really important to me. She is the first person I tell news to after my partner, pretty much. However, I hate this constant threat of repercussion hanging over my head if I don't make an effort to catch up within an appropriate time-frame. I'm constantly on edge because I can feel her reacting to things, which makes me feel guilty and irritated.

    I feel like her reactions are unfair, especially given that I am an extremely low maintenance person. If the situation were reversed, I wouldn't make her feel bad for it. That said, this is probably because I am equally happy to stay home and read or knit or draw or something. And I'm kind of thinking that that might be part of the problem. Does not caring about cancelled or non-existent plans mean that you are actually self-absorbed and your friends mean less to you than you do to them? Or does it mean you are understanding and confident in your friendships and yourself and therefore don't feel like cancelled plans affect your sense of self-worth? I'm thinking maybe it's a bit of both. (I probably enjoy my alone time a little too much )

    At any rate, I do have to appreciate that her life situation is not as stable and happy as mine and therefore, she is probably more in need of friendly contact. I also don't respond to texts and FB messages very reliably sometimes, and my social commitments are infuriatingly planned and compartmentalised, and perhaps being 'allotted a time slot' could be considered to be insulting from her end. I'm not sure. Anyone experienced anything similar/have any advice?
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  2. #2
    Sweet Summer Child yama's Avatar
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    Have you told her this? Have you dropped her a message to say "Hey, I know you're upset that we don't talk as much, it's not because I don't like you but because I have xyz things going on every week/I've been busy lately"?

    All you can do is tell her that. How she reacts is on her. Personally I think it sounds like she might be insecure and is mistaking business/having more commitments than just her as being unimportant or cast aside. Let her know that it isn't.
    26 weeks

  3. #3
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I'm an INFP with other INFP friends and we operate more like you and no one takes it personally.
    I agree with the idea of communicating so she takes it less personally.

    One thing I know about myself is that I can be emotionally stingy and regard people as demanding when their desired level of interaction is more "normal". Is it really that energy or time consuming to drop a line to a friend you consider very important? Is it really unreasonable for them to expect this? I have adjusted my attitude there, because yeah, if you are that person, some of the problem is you, and it's not really as "low maintenance" as you think it is.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe
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  4. #4
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    Ehh, well it's an MBTI forum so I'll do some basic MBTI analysis, mix in some general questions, comments and observations.

    So: you're picking up on resentment. How do you know how much of the resentment is directed at you (and how then do you know that?) and how much is just general resentment they have that you are picking up on?

    Does the INFP actually know what the reason is for the delayed responses? I read recently in one of Mal's threads about Fi dominants tending to take on a lot of unearned guilt from Te types. As such, could the INFP be misattributing these feelings of guilt to having relation to the lack of replies?

    Given that her life is less stable and happy, I think there will inevitably be some level of instability and unhappiness in the relationship; hopefully less-so than there is in her life overall. I guess if she were receiving sufficient social contact from elsewhere, then her insecurities would become much less noticeable.

    Sometimes when a person is in a negative state of mind, actions from their past come back to haunt them; often the actions were fine at the time, yet in retrospect appear dark and worrying.
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  5. #5
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    I don't think that it means that you are a self-absorbed person or that your friends mean less to you. I find that in all of my friendships I tend to do more than they do, but it just comes naturally.

    I had a best friend who was an INFJ once and I can remember at one point she told me that she couldn't possibly message me the second I messaged her. I remember her becoming upset, annoyed, and pretty pissed off after I had asked her what took her so long to answer me.

    In short -- she let me know, so then I made a point to back down and not reach out to her so much. On some days when I did, I would say "no rush to reply" or "no worries on replying right away" at the end of messages just so she knew that I wasn't resorting back to what I knew offended her.

    There were times she would reach out to me a lot, but I never minded it. I would usually put something aside to chat with her, but I'm like that with any friend who reaches out to talk to me most of the time. I'm not used to that happening as I'm always the one reaching out, so it's nice.

    *shrugs*

  6. #6
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    Well the fact that she trusts you enough to share her feelings and loves you enough to miss could be viewed as positives. It's ok to have boundaries, to give what you wish and to respect her feelings and desires as well. You are the most important person in your life.


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