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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ Male Dating INFP Female, looking for advice

    Hey guys. Was looking for some advice on a INFP girl ive been dating. Started dating her in June so its been a around 2 and a half months now. The first dates when well, got on great. She
    didn't want to have sex the first night, which was different for me. The following weeks into the dating, when trying to go out with her, she wanted to avoid walking around the town centre
    incase her ex seen us together. I pulled her up about this and she explained she the breakup with him is still quite fresh and she doesn't want to hurt him. Another thing that bothered me was driving to
    pick up a pizza once, she said "i hope my Dad doesn't see me here". I kinda through me, as i was taking up and paying for this food, and all she mentioned was worried about her parent seeing her
    in the car with me. This started to get my mind going, the relationship started to get into my head. I asked her about this and she said she wants to make sure i stick around, before introducing me.

    She seems very jumpy around her phone, and doesnt use it in my presence and always has it on silent, noticed a few times she was making sure the screen was pointing away form me.
    With the other alarm bells going off, i started to wonder if she was messaging other people. She has said to me she has alot of lad mates. When i brought up if anyone else was on the radar, she replied,
    'not really' i kinda joked about that comment and left it at that.5 weeks into the relationship i still feeling kinda uncomfortable with certain things, i started to notice she wasn't replying as fast with messages,
    still fast but i dunno noticed a different, she would leave my messages longer before reading them on whats app. I started to get more and more paranoid she was talking to other lads. This coupled with the fact,
    i had taken her out for loads of meals, spent quite a bit of money, and on the 5ths week she arranged with her mates to go out into the town on a night out. That was fine, but i dunno, she has been paid,
    she knew i was skint, and i kinda felt a bit unappreciated and maybe she would now return the favour and want to do something with me

    The relationship started to get into my head, i wasn't feeling uncomfortable with certain things. There was a lack of trust for me, even thou she was saying she had 'deep feel for me, missed me and wanted to
    be with me, i dunno, her actions did not add up. Something just didnt feel right. So i kinda said i just wanna be friends 2 weeks ago and expressed it was because i was unhappy. She wouldent have it,
    and just kept ringing and messaging me that night, saying how good were together, and we could be something great and that i should talk to her through the problems. I decided to give it another shot.
    Another week later, i noticed had noticed some things again, mainly not messaging back as fast, being more distant, my messaging not going though for 6 hours, i just started to get paranoid. I felt it wasnt
    right again, and so called it off and said we should be friends again. She wouldn't have it again, and kept chasing, not as intense as the first time. She asked why i was doing this to her,
    I told her i was still unhappy, and the things i bought up last night nothing had changed. She asked what i wanted, if i wanted to be with her properly. I brought up all the things that where bothering me on a message, but she only replied and answered half of them. That was on the Thursday.

    We didnt speak for a day, i started to feel kinda hurt by the whole thing, feeling crap, started thinking about where it went wrong. Started to miss her. She messaged me on the sunday.
    asking it i would please talk to her, and if im ok. I replied, she said she missed me, and when i expressed i missed her she replied that 'shes glad because it hurt her'. But she needs someone
    constant, and she thought that was me. I do realise INFP needs to feel safe, secure, i kinda do too thou, i dont wanna get burnt either. Tuesday night, she came round. Everything seamed fine,
    she was very affectionate, kissing all the time, touching all the time, looking into my eyes, laughing at my jokes. When she got home that night, she messaged me " i had a really good night tonight",
    "was great cuddling you and being next to you"

    Yesterday we was messaging in the morning, back and too. At 12 i got a reply, "Ive gone home sick from work, its the pill it makes me sick, going to go bed". I replied asking if there was anything i could do the help.
    She replied an hour later saying no its ok im just gonna start in bed. I replied again saying "ok if u change your mind and need anything, let me know.Ive been thinking of you today". I didn't get a reply from that last message
    that i sent at 2pm, but i kept noticing she had been online on whats app. I was wondering what was going on. I finally got a message back7 hours later, after she had been online to reply anyway. She said "Thanks Matt,
    i just slept most of the time, feel better now. Hope your ok my love. I will message you in the morning" and then put a love heart on the end.

    I just cant weigh anything up with the girl. I've got the thing in my head im being played. Im wondering if anyone maybe has advice for me on this situation, maybe had similar experience with an INFP women?

    Thank you

  2. #2
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    She wouldn't have it again
    lol'd at this :P

  3. #3
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I'm very sorry you're going through this.

    From what I've read you both seem very young. I don't mean to be patronizing, but when you are this young sometimes you don't really know exactly what you want yet, and you both are still in the process of exploring yourselves, and in the meantime you're going to make a lot of mistakes. So it's not surprising that her actions seem 'suspicious'. She is probably very confused at the moment.

    Anyway, I'd like to point out one major red flag here:
    I pulled her up about this and she explained she the breakup with him is still quite fresh and she doesn't want to hurt him.
    It is always a bad idea to date people fresh off a breakup. I'm not saying that she is being dishonest. She's probably still hurting, and confused. There is nothing you can do about this. I'd say you should really just be friends right now -- it will save you a lot of drama and heartbreak. If I could I would advise her too to stay single until she has completely healed from the last relationship.

    This is what I'd say:
    - Let's be friends. It's not because I don't like you. It's because I understand that you still need time to recover from the last relationship, and without proper time to sort things out internally, it's going to be confusing and difficult for both of us.

    Also, I think that maybe you're coming on a bit too strong for someone only 5 weeks into a relationship, but that's irrelevant at this point because I really don't think getting into a relationship with her is a good idea right now. She doesn't know what she wants, and that is going to hurt you.
    4w5 sp/sx EII
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  4. #4

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    Your Ni is going to overdrive and you're trying to reach for conclusions that may not even be there. Stop that. I know this because I was like this times a thousand and it made me and everybody else miserable. The only thing I notice about this INFP chick is her not wanting to be seen by her ex and her parents, as well as periodically missing from time to time. No doubt she likes you a lot, but as a woman, she is going to feel pulled by her present (you) and her past (her ex). Maybe her ex is talking to her again and trying to show her that he has changed, but maybe she's realizing that she deserves better, ie. you. Now, if this situation is too messy, you have every right to leave her and to let her think things through as well as tie up the loose ends with her ex before moving on with either you or somebody else. You deserve somebody who is 120% sure that they want to be with you and only you.
    Likes Fine_21, ~MS*ANGEL~ liked this post

  5. #5
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    Thanks for the replys. The whole thing is kinda confusing me now. She's definitely INFP, but i feel shes kinda backed off a bit. Shes not texting as much as she use too, and of course there was last night not hearing anything off her for 6 hours. She finally replied last night, and said thank you for the message, put loads of kisses on, love hearts and the same this morning. Sending texts with lots of affection, saying i hope i had a good night, calling me 'her love' yet i sense something's up. Maybe shes angry because ive kinda tried to end it twice, and its hurt her. Its like i feel she's faking these messages, i dunno. Can in INFP do that? I thought they were all about authenticness. Another thing, the other night she told me she wanted to take me out for my birthday next week, asking me what presents i wanted. Its like this big confusing mess right now in my head on how shes feeling, its like shes pissed off or something. Another thing i forgot to mention, this girl has told me shes been on antidepressants for 4-5 years, which make her feel like a zombie. She even confessed that a few weeks ago, she was feeling that bad she took two in 1 day. Shes told me she feels 'too much' and hates it and she can't come off the antidepressants, im assuming because of this feeling. Shes told me she's a really anxious person, and suffers from depression too.

  6. #6

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    Maybe she's a bad texter. I know I am.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by theforsaken View Post
    Maybe she's a bad texter. I know I am.
    Definitely not. She has at go at me for not texting back quicker, i'm the bad texter.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fine_21 View Post
    Definitely not. She has at go at me for not texting back quicker, i'm the bad texter.
    Alright. I think you need to call her to arrange a meet up and have an honest discussion as to what kind of relationship the two of you have, and if she is still in contact with her ex-boyfriend. It is no use sitting here speculating impossible scenarios and possibilities when you should just go and clear the air even if it feels terrifying. A healthy relationship requires communication in order for it to thrive. If she is still in contact with the ex, and is feeling conflicted between you and him, then it may be time to let her go since she is not ready for a new relationship.

  9. #9
    Clean Slate CitizenErased's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theforsaken View Post
    Alright. I think you need to call her to arrange a meet up and have an honest discussion as to what kind of relationship the two of you have, and if she is still in contact with her ex-boyfriend. It is no use sitting here speculating impossible scenarios and possibilities when you should just go and clear the air even if it feels terrifying. A healthy relationship requires communication in order for it to thrive. If she is still in contact with the ex, and is feeling conflicted between you and him, then it may be time to let her go since she is not ready for a new relationship.
    I agree, setting things straight, face to face is the best. I always say that it's better to deal with things than worrying about them.

    Now, seriously speaking,

    Quote Originally Posted by Fine_21 View Post
    not hearing anything off her for 6 hours.
    I know you two may be used to texting all the time, but thinking six hours is worrying seems a little excessive to me (maybe because I'm REALLY introverted). I also know that with depression (+introversion) it is normal to need time for oneself and figure things out, or give oneself a pep talk, convince oneself into doing things. Probably when you talk to her, you may ask how her depression affects her and what you can do to help/how you can be more comprehensive/tolerant.

    I'm quite practical and down to earth when it comes to relationships (sometimes to the extreme that is not romantic at all), but if in (THE FIRST!!) 5 weeks you thought about breaking up twice, it's not a very good idea to date that person, and maybe you and her need to have time alone to think what you want and what your expectatives from a relationship are.
    MBTI: INTP (though I'm PINT-sized) * Ti = Ne > Fi > Ni > Si > Te = Se >>> Fe
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  10. #10
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    IMO you're overthinking it. INFPs are crap at communicating with clarity FJs need. We get lost in the things going on in our head and don't realise what vibes we're giving off. I guess you're seeing an incongruence between those vibes and what she says/does. When it comes to INFPs, there can be many perfectly natural reasons for that (social awkwardness being an big one), so there's no need to assume the worst just yet. Of course there could be issues with the ex etc but going by what you described, none of the behaviour seems out of character for the type.

    It's good that you were open about the issues you saw coming up and the discomfort you were feeling. That's the best way to address it. Just take things slowly and try not to crowd her too much. She may need more space/time.
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

    I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

    - Emily Bronte
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