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[INFP] INFJ Male Dating INFP Female, looking for advice

Fine_21

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2016
Messages
17
Hey guys. Was looking for some advice on a INFP girl ive been dating. Started dating her in June so its been a around 2 and a half months now. The first dates when well, got on great. She
didn't want to have sex the first night, which was different for me. The following weeks into the dating, when trying to go out with her, she wanted to avoid walking around the town centre
incase her ex seen us together. I pulled her up about this and she explained she the breakup with him is still quite fresh and she doesn't want to hurt him. Another thing that bothered me was driving to
pick up a pizza once, she said "i hope my Dad doesn't see me here". I kinda through me, as i was taking up and paying for this food, and all she mentioned was worried about her parent seeing her
in the car with me. This started to get my mind going, the relationship started to get into my head. I asked her about this and she said she wants to make sure i stick around, before introducing me.

She seems very jumpy around her phone, and doesnt use it in my presence and always has it on silent, noticed a few times she was making sure the screen was pointing away form me.
With the other alarm bells going off, i started to wonder if she was messaging other people. She has said to me she has alot of lad mates. When i brought up if anyone else was on the radar, she replied,
'not really' i kinda joked about that comment and left it at that.5 weeks into the relationship i still feeling kinda uncomfortable with certain things, i started to notice she wasn't replying as fast with messages,
still fast but i dunno noticed a different, she would leave my messages longer before reading them on whats app. I started to get more and more paranoid she was talking to other lads. This coupled with the fact,
i had taken her out for loads of meals, spent quite a bit of money, and on the 5ths week she arranged with her mates to go out into the town on a night out. That was fine, but i dunno, she has been paid,
she knew i was skint, and i kinda felt a bit unappreciated and maybe she would now return the favour and want to do something with me

The relationship started to get into my head, i wasn't feeling uncomfortable with certain things. There was a lack of trust for me, even thou she was saying she had 'deep feel for me, missed me and wanted to
be with me, i dunno, her actions did not add up. Something just didnt feel right. So i kinda said i just wanna be friends 2 weeks ago and expressed it was because i was unhappy. She wouldent have it,
and just kept ringing and messaging me that night, saying how good were together, and we could be something great and that i should talk to her through the problems. I decided to give it another shot.
Another week later, i noticed had noticed some things again, mainly not messaging back as fast, being more distant, my messaging not going though for 6 hours, i just started to get paranoid. I felt it wasnt
right again, and so called it off and said we should be friends again. She wouldn't have it again, and kept chasing, not as intense as the first time. She asked why i was doing this to her,
I told her i was still unhappy, and the things i bought up last night nothing had changed. She asked what i wanted, if i wanted to be with her properly. I brought up all the things that where bothering me on a message, but she only replied and answered half of them. That was on the Thursday.

We didnt speak for a day, i started to feel kinda hurt by the whole thing, feeling crap, started thinking about where it went wrong. Started to miss her. She messaged me on the sunday.
asking it i would please talk to her, and if im ok. I replied, she said she missed me, and when i expressed i missed her she replied that 'shes glad because it hurt her'. But she needs someone
constant, and she thought that was me. I do realise INFP needs to feel safe, secure, i kinda do too thou, i dont wanna get burnt either. Tuesday night, she came round. Everything seamed fine,
she was very affectionate, kissing all the time, touching all the time, looking into my eyes, laughing at my jokes. When she got home that night, she messaged me " i had a really good night tonight",
"was great cuddling you and being next to you"

Yesterday we was messaging in the morning, back and too. At 12 i got a reply, "Ive gone home sick from work, its the pill it makes me sick, going to go bed". I replied asking if there was anything i could do the help.
She replied an hour later saying no its ok im just gonna start in bed. I replied again saying "ok if u change your mind and need anything, let me know.Ive been thinking of you today". I didn't get a reply from that last message
that i sent at 2pm, but i kept noticing she had been online on whats app. I was wondering what was going on. I finally got a message back7 hours later, after she had been online to reply anyway. She said "Thanks Matt,
i just slept most of the time, feel better now. Hope your ok my love. I will message you in the morning" and then put a love heart on the end.

I just cant weigh anything up with the girl. I've got the thing in my head im being played. Im wondering if anyone maybe has advice for me on this situation, maybe had similar experience with an INFP women?

Thank you
 

21%

You have a choice!
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I'm very sorry you're going through this. :hug:

From what I've read you both seem very young. I don't mean to be patronizing, but when you are this young sometimes you don't really know exactly what you want yet, and you both are still in the process of exploring yourselves, and in the meantime you're going to make a lot of mistakes. So it's not surprising that her actions seem 'suspicious'. She is probably very confused at the moment.

Anyway, I'd like to point out one major red flag here:
I pulled her up about this and she explained she the breakup with him is still quite fresh and she doesn't want to hurt him.

It is always a bad idea to date people fresh off a breakup. I'm not saying that she is being dishonest. She's probably still hurting, and confused. There is nothing you can do about this. I'd say you should really just be friends right now -- it will save you a lot of drama and heartbreak. If I could I would advise her too to stay single until she has completely healed from the last relationship.

This is what I'd say:
- Let's be friends. It's not because I don't like you. It's because I understand that you still need time to recover from the last relationship, and without proper time to sort things out internally, it's going to be confusing and difficult for both of us.

Also, I think that maybe you're coming on a bit too strong for someone only 5 weeks into a relationship, but that's irrelevant at this point because I really don't think getting into a relationship with her is a good idea right now. She doesn't know what she wants, and that is going to hurt you.
 

Norrsken

self murderer
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Your Ni is going to overdrive and you're trying to reach for conclusions that may not even be there. Stop that. I know this because I was like this times a thousand and it made me and everybody else miserable. The only thing I notice about this INFP chick is her not wanting to be seen by her ex and her parents, as well as periodically missing from time to time. No doubt she likes you a lot, but as a woman, she is going to feel pulled by her present (you) and her past (her ex). Maybe her ex is talking to her again and trying to show her that he has changed, but maybe she's realizing that she deserves better, ie. you. Now, if this situation is too messy, you have every right to leave her and to let her think things through as well as tie up the loose ends with her ex before moving on with either you or somebody else. You deserve somebody who is 120% sure that they want to be with you and only you.
 

Fine_21

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Joined
Aug 11, 2016
Messages
17
Thanks for the replys. The whole thing is kinda confusing me now. She's definitely INFP, but i feel shes kinda backed off a bit. Shes not texting as much as she use too, and of course there was last night not hearing anything off her for 6 hours. She finally replied last night, and said thank you for the message, put loads of kisses on, love hearts and the same this morning. Sending texts with lots of affection, saying i hope i had a good night, calling me 'her love' yet i sense something's up. Maybe shes angry because ive kinda tried to end it twice, and its hurt her. Its like i feel she's faking these messages, i dunno. Can in INFP do that? I thought they were all about authenticness. Another thing, the other night she told me she wanted to take me out for my birthday next week, asking me what presents i wanted. Its like this big confusing mess right now in my head on how shes feeling, its like shes pissed off or something. Another thing i forgot to mention, this girl has told me shes been on antidepressants for 4-5 years, which make her feel like a zombie. She even confessed that a few weeks ago, she was feeling that bad she took two in 1 day. Shes told me she feels 'too much' and hates it and she can't come off the antidepressants, im assuming because of this feeling. Shes told me she's a really anxious person, and suffers from depression too.
 

Norrsken

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Maybe she's a bad texter. I know I am.
 

Norrsken

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Definitely not. She has at go at me for not texting back quicker, i'm the bad texter.

Alright. I think you need to call her to arrange a meet up and have an honest discussion as to what kind of relationship the two of you have, and if she is still in contact with her ex-boyfriend. It is no use sitting here speculating impossible scenarios and possibilities when you should just go and clear the air even if it feels terrifying. A healthy relationship requires communication in order for it to thrive. If she is still in contact with the ex, and is feeling conflicted between you and him, then it may be time to let her go since she is not ready for a new relationship.
 

CitizenErased

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Alright. I think you need to call her to arrange a meet up and have an honest discussion as to what kind of relationship the two of you have, and if she is still in contact with her ex-boyfriend. It is no use sitting here speculating impossible scenarios and possibilities when you should just go and clear the air even if it feels terrifying. A healthy relationship requires communication in order for it to thrive. If she is still in contact with the ex, and is feeling conflicted between you and him, then it may be time to let her go since she is not ready for a new relationship.

I agree, setting things straight, face to face is the best. I always say that it's better to deal with things than worrying about them.

Now, seriously speaking,

not hearing anything off her for 6 hours.

I know you two may be used to texting all the time, but thinking six hours is worrying seems a little excessive to me (maybe because I'm REALLY introverted). I also know that with depression (+introversion) it is normal to need time for oneself and figure things out, or give oneself a pep talk, convince oneself into doing things. Probably when you talk to her, you may ask how her depression affects her and what you can do to help/how you can be more comprehensive/tolerant.

I'm quite practical and down to earth when it comes to relationships (sometimes to the extreme that is not romantic at all), but if in (THE FIRST!!) 5 weeks you thought about breaking up twice, it's not a very good idea to date that person, and maybe you and her need to have time alone to think what you want and what your expectatives from a relationship are.
 

Southern Kross

Away with the fairies
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IMO you're overthinking it. INFPs are crap at communicating with clarity FJs need. We get lost in the things going on in our head and don't realise what vibes we're giving off. I guess you're seeing an incongruence between those vibes and what she says/does. When it comes to INFPs, there can be many perfectly natural reasons for that (social awkwardness being an big one), so there's no need to assume the worst just yet. Of course there could be issues with the ex etc but going by what you described, none of the behaviour seems out of character for the type.

It's good that you were open about the issues you saw coming up and the discomfort you were feeling. That's the best way to address it. :) Just take things slowly and try not to crowd her too much. She may need more space/time.
 

Norrsken

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INFPs are crap at communicating with clarity FJs need.

That's also a big weakness of mine. I need that special person to tell me exactly what they are thinking or feeling.
I can't stand mystery when it comes to love. The less information I have, the more paranoid I become.
 

Fine_21

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Thanks for the replys guys. Well its over. Sent her a long message on Friday apologizing that for ending it, didn't wanna get hurt, that i had feelings for her etc. She messaged back saying "its ok i still have major feeling for you too". She then did her disappearing act at night,
not knowing where she was. Asked me to spend the day with her on the Sat, she was affectionate, holding hands, kissing etc then disappeared on the Sat night 1 tick on whatsapp, messaged not delivered and no word as to where she was. Spent the day with me Sunday took me out for a meal, again, was very affectionate, said she wanted to take me out Wednesday for my birthday
then disappeared on the Sunday night.

On the sunday day too, she came round with her dog for an hour before taking me for a meal. I've never had this before, but she quiet aggressively 'shoved my leg' to try to get something from underneath me. It made me think, yeh, this girls pissed off with me at something, shes angry inside but trying not to show it.
My bet being i hurt who ending it with her, but who knows. She did said she was hurting too when i did it. Funny after i opened up my feeling, she got distant this time. But i did it only 4 days after i hurting her again by ending it and not speaking to her for 2 days. That kinda stopped her trying to gain my approval, she knew i was interested but then turned this time, distanced.

Why would an INFP girl say "I still have deep feeling for you" and then treat me the way she treated me with this disappearing? It's reeked of being led on.
 

Redbone

Orisha
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It would be much, MUCH better if you went by what she DOES when you are together...not by what or how quickly she texts. INFPs (maybe introverts in general) are sometimes not so great at communicating even when they care a lot.
 

OrangeAppled

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I'll be honest, I cannot do the "then she said this, then she said that" kind of conversation, so I glossed over most of that.

Why would she say she likes you and then "disappear"?

Because INFPs have consistent feelings, but somewhat inconsistent, idiosyncratic behavior. As SK already noted, we can get lost inside our heads and not realize how much time has gone by; and being introverts, we may need a lot of space & less time with people than quality connection when we do interact. We often aren't as attuned to what is expected socially and how stuff is typically interpreted.

It sounds like you ended it, though, from what I can make out here?
 

Fine_21

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I'll be honest, I cannot do the "then she said this, then she said that" kind of conversation, so I glossed over most of that.

Why would she say she likes you and then "disappear"?

Because INFPs have consistent feelings, but somewhat inconsistent, idiosyncratic behavior. As SK already noted, we can get lost inside our heads and not realize how much time has gone by; and being introverts, we may need a lot of space & less time with people than quality connection when we do interact. We often aren't as attuned to what is expected socially and how stuff is typically interpreted.

It sounds like you ended it, though, from what I can make out here?

I did. Everything was fine on the Tuesday, but as soon as i text her saying "I hope you get better soon, be thinking of you today" I didn't get a reply. But she was on whatapp a few times. On the Saturday, she text me saying "oh crap i have an appointment at 11.30, i need to dash into the city quick". She was texting me at the time of her appointment. When i asked what appointment it was she didn't answer. She then text me asking if i want to meet her in the city, which i thought was weird because she lives 5 minutes away from my house and could of picked me up on the way (the city's 30 minutes drive away). So i drove to meet her. When i got there she immediatly came in for a hug, and everything was fine. I noticed she was kinda dressed up a bit. I started adding things up and thinking, it seams like shes been out in the city last night and stayed over (She mentioned she had a one night stand with some guy in the city to me a while back, she said this happened 3 months ago.

When i asked her if she wanted to come back mine, she said she had to get back because she felt bad leaving her dog with her mum all day, and she was going to just chill out tonight. I text her about 11pm, the message never went through, only 1 tick. I knew this meant she was out, so i went to see if her car was there at 3am. and no car, she was out. I asked her the next day what she had done the previous night, and she told me she was hanging with a male friend and they ordered a domino's.

On the sunday, she took me for a pub lunch, and again very affectionate and you wouldn't think anything was wrong and you'd think this girl was into me. She drove us there and back. When we arrived back at my place i asked if she wanted to come in (again). She said she had to get back again because of the dog, and felt bad on her mum. This was quite different behavour from her. I then text her that night, and again, 1 tick on whatsapp. Went to see if her car was at home, and no car. Message didn't deliver on her phone still at 12am at night.

On the Sunday aswell at the pub lunch, i asked her what day she had gone the cinema to see a new movie (She mentioned it on the Sat in the city). She was going "Hmm, i dunno, not sure what day. I was like, u carnt remember what day u went to see that new film, was it Thursday or Friday Or Wednesday?. She was like ohhh yeh, Thursday. That day too, i didnt here much from her that night either.

This all seamed to stem from me sending that message on Tuesday saying i was thinking about her. Before that, she was very responsive.

Together with the not wanting her dad to see us together in the car when we was driving to a town picking up a takeway, the "Not we carnt walk through the centre of town im scared of bumping into my ex", never really wanting to do things in the day with me, never inviting me round to her place when her parents where there, the being 'edgy' round her phone, not being friends on facebook and her seeming fine with that, saying she was still close to her ex, saying "Not really" when i asked her if she had anyone else on the radar, something just didn't add up. I just always thought i was being played, but i guess i just wanted to post on here to see if maybe this just looks like being played because its INFP behavour

Ive asked family and friends about this, and they agree somethings not right. i just wanted to see other INFPs opinions.
 

OrangeAppled

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You are driving past where she lives to see if her car is there? :huh:

If I were her, and I realized you were doing these sorts of things as well as assuming negative stuff about every little detail, then I'd be withdrawing too.

There are few things I hate more in relationships than having to explain my every move & account for my whereabouts at all times, being kept track of, lots of messaging about where I am and what I am doing, and having people suspiciously interpret my behaviors, etc.

If you cannot handle someone who is very private and independent, then an INFP may not be for you, at least not at this point in time.
 

Fine_21

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You are driving past where she lives to see if her car is there? :huh:

If I were her, and I realized you were doing these sorts of things as well as assuming negative stuff about every little detail, then I'd be withdrawing too.

There are few things I hate more in relationships than having to explain my every move & account for my whereabouts at all times, being kept track of, lots of messaging about where I am and what I am doing, and having people suspiciously interpret my behaviors, etc.

If you cannot handle someone who is very private and independent, then an INFP may not be for you, at least not at this point in time.

Its the sudden turn in behavour. She was never like this in the 2 months i was seeing her. The only thing i did to her that was negative, was ending it twice with her and saying i wanted to be friends. I never displayed any other negative stuff. Like i said, its the sudden turn in Behavior that kinda freaked me out. Im getting conflicting things from people about this, im confused myself. Some are saying they think i was getting played when i tell them, others that there is nothing suspicious about whats happened. So i dont know anymore. I guess i just want to know whats happened so i can move forward.
 

Fine_21

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You are driving past where she lives to see if her car is there? :huh:

If I were her, and I realized you were doing these sorts of things as well as assuming negative stuff about every little detail, then I'd be withdrawing too.

There are few things I hate more in relationships than having to explain my every move & account for my whereabouts at all times, being kept track of, lots of messaging about where I am and what I am doing, and having people suspiciously interpret my behaviors, etc.

If you cannot handle someone who is very private and independent, then an INFP may not be for you, at least not at this point in time.

I know the driving past to see the car was there was bad, i guess i just wanted to know for sure, i wanted to know what was going on, its tempting when your literally over the road from that person, and there behavior seems inconsistant. Doing the makes me feel immature, stupid, and crazy, but i was going crazy with all of this.
 

Firebird 8118

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Hmm... I'm an INFP, and I still think it's not right for her not to be honest and clear enough with you about what's going on between you two. [I've often pushed people away from me that way, by always asking them to be open and honest with me... :cry:]

From my perspective, it looks like she probably isn't 100% clear about what you are to her. I've been in that position plenty of times, anyhow...
 
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