[INFJ] Help me understand my angry INFJ parents

[Kho]

So this is from an INTP perspective, trying to figure out my parents, who are both INFJ.
And I'm asking random INFJ's because if I ask my parents outright, they will explode or cry and I just cannot deal.
I'm trying to figure out if it's an INFJ thing, or if it's a personality disorder thing, or if it's a cultural/generational/religious/whatever thing.

Right so here we go.
I want to ask INFJ's to help me understand why my parents:

- Not only refuse to allow their twenty-something-year-old daughter move out of the house, but
- Harass me at work, calling constantly and waiting outside the workplace, when I try to move out on my own terms
- Cry and scream about my leaving the house with mismatched-colored socks (literally, if I wear something that's not 'normal' to them, they slap me until I give in.)
- Send me thousands, I mean literally thousands, of texts a week, until I give in and come back 'home'
- Yell and kick in the door when I sleep in on a Sunday until 12pm
- Cry and yell for literally hours (10 hours is the longest the noise has gone on for...) when I say I'm not going to their church
- Hit me and break the music equipment that I borrowed from a friend
- Never ever let me stay the night at someone else's place.

It used to be worse when I was a kid.
I've dealt with this for all of my life, so the other stuff is just background noise at the moment, but as an INTP, the thing that annoys me most is...
Yelling at me for not sleeping at night/ not being 'regular' like the other 'kids'(I'm over twenty...)/ breaking my stuff.

I mean I 'ran away from home' and dropped all contact for months after they broke my stuff, but
when my grandmother passed away and stuff I couldn't NOT attend her funeral, and I had to move back in for *reasons*
(they threatened stuff and harassed my friends/work, I got pretty sick from the stress, etc.)
I feel pretty trapped here right now
But anyway,
So, the thing that bugs me mainly is, like this morning for example,
I mean
Why is it anyone else's business when I go to sleep and when I wake in the morning?
This is the part I really don't understand. I mean I can wrap my head around the rest, like they associate music with demons, okay, but.
I don't give a shit if someone else sleeps ten out of twenty four hours. How does that kind of thing make you angry? Is it an INFJ thing, really?

So INFJ's, let me ask you, are you annoyed when your children/ people you know ... don't keep a regular schedule?
Like, does it anger you to the point of explosion?
Is 'being normal' a thing to fixate upon for you? Is regulating/keeping control in your home environment so very important to you?
Do you fixate upon people that really don't fit into your ideal harmonious life situation and keep trying to make it work even when they really really really hate you and sincerely want to leave?
Or can you tell me why it might be that you'd feel this way?
And how can I resolve this? Do you think my inability to emotionally connect with them on that Fi level has something to do with it?
Like maybe they love me but are exasperated because they think I can't love them back or something?
These people are like seriously obsessed with me.
But seriously. I'd appreciate any help or whatever.

 

[Forever]

Based on what you're saying makes me doubt either of your parents are INFJ's.

 

[á´…eparted]

This has nothing to do with type, and everything to do with terrible mistreatment.

- Not only refuse to allow their twenty-something-year-old daughter move out of the house, but

Do you have the financial means and a friend to use for temporary support to move out. If so, do it, and give zero fucks what they say or do. If you do not move out, your problems will not get solved, and there is little you could do to solve it. Trying to "understand" your parents behavior does zero benefit to you or your situation.

- Harass me at work, calling constantly and waiting outside the workplace, when I try to move out on my own terms

If they harass you and physically try to block you, call the cops. Report these incidents to your workplace. If it hinders with your work, they'll have motivation to ban your parents from the premises freeing up your time so you can work better and use it as a temporary escape as you set up the logistics to move out.

- Cry and scream about my leaving the house with mismatched-colored socks (literally, if I wear something fashion forward, they will murder me)

They're going to have to deal. Moving out will solve this problem.

- Yell and kick in the door when I sleep in on a Sunday until 12pm

Moving out will solve this problem.

- Cry and yell for literally hours (10 hours is the longest the noise has gone on for...) when I say I'm not going to their church

Oh well. They're going to have to accept you're not like them. Moving out will solve this problem.

- Hit me and break the music equipment that I borrowed from a friend.

This is ILLEGAL. That is assault. Call the cops next time, no excuses at all, and press charges if they do not back down.

- Never ever let me stay the night at someone else's place.

SUMMARY: Moving out will solve ALL of these problems. You need to pool ALL of your resources to get out. Get friends to help, inform your workplace of what you're doing. Surely they have seen what they do outside, they'd be in support of you and would likely lend a hand in helping as well. You have zero excuses for not making moving out your absolute top priority. If you have a job, you're in your 20's, and have friends, you absolutely have the means to do it. Get moving.


I would recommend detailing your situation on /r/relationships. You'll get lots of useful tangible feedback and advice there as well.

 

[Smilephantomhive]

That behavior is unacceptable. They shouldn't hitting you or purposely breaking your stuff just because you are not like them.

Definitely not INFJ problems.

 

[Dreamer]

There is definitely something under the surface here, and unfortunately, I don't have enough incite into the situation to give you my honest feedback. I can't stand controlling people, and need to be left to do my own thing, so I get your frustration, but step one in analyzing this situation, for me, would be to revisit the time you ran away from home and broke contact with them. Why did you do it? Was it immediately after some major event between you and your parents? It sounds as though your parents are highly emotional, so try to think about these sorts of things in the context of emotion. I am sure there is far more under the surface, but I would start in questioning your actions and trying to understand, as a parent, how that would make you feel given the situation. Try to get into their shoes for a bit, if you can.

 

[Kho]

[MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION]

Yeah I tried to move out and stuff, but

a) my dad has connections to the cops (plus, I'm in an asian country, and cops don't care about domestic matters)
b) my friends themselves have been threatened/ contacted by my parents and I wouldn't want to put them through that
c) I was forced to quit my office job because of my parents' behavior
d) I work contract jobs that require me to use my cellphone, and my parents have my cellphone details
e) My grandmother just passed away so I'm feeling kind of sympathetic towards them at the moment, they're like emotional babies and idk.
I just wish they wouldn't yell/kick/scream etc. so much.

So yeah, pretty much stuck.

But thanks all the INFJ's that weighed in, you're telling me they're not INFJ's or are extremely unhealthy if they are?
The only other INFJ's I know are very religious, intelligent, and depressed, so I mean idk.
I mean I know from 'knowledge' knowledge that this isn't a generic INFJ experience, but I guess experience tends to trump most head knowledge.

I honestly think East Asian NF's and NT's are a lot more emotionally damaged than their Western counterparts.
Society is not good to us/them. Most of my friends are NF's and NT's and like most of them are either depressed, deceased from suicide, artists, or something else that is deemed 'unacceptable' by mainstream

 

[Kho]

There is definitely something under the surface here, and unfortunately, I don't have enough incite into the situation to give you my honest feedback. I can't stand controlling people, and need to be left to do my own thing, so I get your frustration, but step one in analyzing this situation, for me, would be to revisit the time you ran away from home and broke contact with them. Why did you do it? Was it immediately after some major event between you and your parents? It sounds as though your parents are highly emotional, so try to think about these sorts of things in the context of emotion. I am sure there is far more under the surface, but I would start in questioning your actions and trying to understand, as a parent, how that would make you feel given the situation. Try to get into their shoes for a bit, if you can.

I'm not a parent, so I have no idea. I don't think this is normal parenting behavior either. I know I wouldn't hit someone I loved.
I've been trying to get into their shoes for the past twenty five years. I have no frigging clue.
Why else do you think I'd post this embarrassing detail on an INFJ forum. I'm at the end of my frigging tether.
Bottom line is they're just incompatible with me emotionally and they are way too obsessed with me.

I moved out (aka 'ran away') when my dad started yelling/punching me for 'not going to church, not being a good christian, not being a normal member of society'
(I don't identify as christian any more, and I don't know what they mean by 'normal member of society'... if I did, I would at least try to be that for a bit, but I honestly idk and I don't think I am one anyway)
and my mother threw a bible in my face and started yelling at me to read it or leave...?
So I said 'okay' and then I left...? And then they were all over me begging me to come back so idk.

They're very religious and emotional, and they have problems with boundaries.

 

[á´…eparted]

[MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION]

Yeah I tried to move out and stuff, but

a) my dad has connections to the cops (plus, I'm in an asian country, and cops don't care about domestic matters)
b) my friends themselves have been threatened/ contacted by my parents and I wouldn't want to put them through that
c) I was forced to quit my office job because of my parents' behavior
d) I work contract jobs that require me to use my cellphone, and my parents have my cellphone details
e) My grandmother just passed away so I'm feeling kind of sympathetic towards them at the moment, they're like emotional babies and idk.
I just wish they wouldn't yell/kick/scream etc. so much.

So yeah, pretty much stuck.

Ah I assumed you were in the US. I appologize. I would not know what to do in another country as there are different resources. Again, I HIGHLY recommend you detail your situation on /r/relationships. You'll be much more likely to get pointed in the right direction and get resources.

Regardless, focusing on who or what they are is so not worth your time at all. They don't deserve a single positive or curious thought on your end. The deserve ZERO sympathy from you. Period.

 

[á´…eparted]

I
So I said 'okay' and then I left...? And then they were all over me begging me to come back so idk.

This was a huge, HUGE mistake. Do not bow to their demands or "crawling back pleading". It's not genuine. They simply want to control you, and the only way to get around that is to be resolute. If you don't stiffen and hold hard and fast to what you need and deserve nothing will even interally change.

 

[Kho]

Should change title to "Help me understand my angry, UNHEALTHY INFJ parents that have no idea what boundaries are and are intolerant of people with different religious beliefs"

 

[Dreamer]

I literally just responded to your title of helping you to understand your parents. If that was not your intention, then what were you seeking? You don't have to be a parent to at least start to understand them. I was suggesting an "Fi" approach for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. That's just how I tend to go about addressing situations and it works for me. Based on what you outlined, it seems you certainly have enough to work with in understanding them, I don't know what more you need, other than trying to understand irrational behavior. In that case, I am not qualified to help you understand that.

 

[Kho]

Yeah I mean I totally appreciate your attempt to help. But the operative word was help me understand THEM, not help ME understand them.
If it were the latter, I would have posted in an INTP forum.

I wanted to know specifically if other INFJ's are capable of being angered to the extent that my parents are over things that wouldn't bother me
(people waking up at different hours, having different religious beliefs, etc).

I am of the belief that there is no such thing as irrational behaviour. Foucault and all. The insane are the most logical of all.
An unhealthy INFJ is still an INFJ that needs help. I need to help my parents.

Don't blame me for what they're doing, that's the wrong kind of guilt trip waiting to happen.

 

[Forever]

Should change title to "Help me understand my angry, UNHEALTHY INFJ parents that have no idea what boundaries are and are intolerant of people with different religious beliefs"

I think unhealthy INFJ parents wouldn't give a shit about you honestly. Overprotective sounds from a different unhealthiness.

 

[Kho]

I think unhealthy INFJ parents wouldn't give a shit about you honestly. Overprotective sounds from a different unhealthiness.

I've seen overprotectiveness listed as an unhealthy INFJ trait before, so idk.
Note that I'm not saying all INFJ's are like this at all, or that this is typical INFJ behaviour. I know it's not.
I think most unhealthy parents veer to one extreme or the other on the overprotectiveness vs. not-giving-a-fuck spectrum, regardless of MBTI.

I've had some time to think and, I think one possible explanation for what's happening with my parents is,
they feel like their children are a continuation of themselves/ they merge their identities with those of their children
and so they transfer the tendency for extreme self-penance onto me (?) by 'punishing' me?
So it's like an element of self-martyrdom, through torturing me they get their martyr game on or something.

idk. It's all super twisted. I still love them to death though. But I'm sick of the love/hate loop and I do want out.

 

[Santosha]

Ya know, I'm not sure if viewing it from a personality-theory stand-point (though I can see why you'd take a stab from this angle) is really necessary. I want to say that generally, an INFJ would have enough 'vision' to avoid this kind of extreme approach. But I would be ignoring the fact that when I have witnessed INFJ totally lose their shit (their ethics/intelligence/wisdom/etc.) it does happen to be when someone very close has 'deviated' from some kind of set plan or role they had of them. I saw it go down when I was in HS, with an INFJ coach of mine who's spouse wanted a divorce when she didn't. Another time recently, with an old INFJ friend who's adolescent daughter has developed some behavioral issues, and then of course, in my own personal romantic relation with one. So, I'm not going to give you some crap about 'how an INFJ could just never, ever be brought to this level of madness' because I know for a fact, they can be. But I don't think it's common, and I'm not sure the resolution would have much to do with their type...

One thing I will mention though (and I have no idea if this IS relevant to your dynamic) is that, with the development of my crappy tertiary Ni, I've noticed that I've had insights into situations where I feel like something is so certain or probable, that I line up all the rest of my ducks with this one thing, concentrating ridiculous amounts of energy/planning... and on the off-chance that the plan does not go as expected, or I am wrong, it is experienced as a tremendous loss. It is something about the rigidity of the perspective, an inability to shift-gears and recognize the value in what did take place, because it falls a tad short from the original ideal and outcome.

So it is possible that there is a bit of this at play with you and your parents. Being dom Ni's, maybe they just cant seem to let go of something they envisioned for you, or of you.. whatever. And I don't even want to get into discussing the manifestation of unhealthy fe, having too many of my own battles with it to be able to give any more 'objective' or helpful insight. I've always had to physically distance myself from it, before reaching a place where I could find compassion and understanding. But you should realize that most parents love their children so very much, they will feel intensely responsible for the success and well-being of that child. Just as they are not some kind of Gods who get to own you, to disregard your personal boundaries in an attempt to mold or manipulate you into some vision they hold - no matter how 'right' or ideal they view it, they are also not the Gods that transcend imperfection, failure, selfishness, agenda, etc. All parents fuck up. They can love you more than life itself, but they are still just people with their own unique struggles, insecurities, desires, coping/defense mechanisms, etc. often absorbed from their parents and upbringing. Usually, they are doing the best they can, with what they know how to do.

Understanding this doesn't mean you should stick around for it though.
I also don't know what kind of resources you have available, but it sounds like you should do everything you can to
financially stabilize yourself, and perhaps see if any friends of friends (who your parents wouldn't be able to directly hassle) want a roommate.
There is always a way, you just got to look for it.

 

[Kho]

Ya know, I'm not sure if viewing it from a personality-theory stand-point (though I can see why you'd take a stab from this angle) is really necessary. I want to say that generally, an INFJ would have enough 'vision' to avoid this kind of extreme approach. But I would be ignoring the fact that when I have witnessed INFJ totally lose their shit (their ethics/intelligence/wisdom/etc.) it does happen to be when someone very close has 'deviated' from some kind of set plan or role they had of them. I saw it go down when I was in HS, with an INFJ coach of mine who's spouse wanted a divorce when she didn't. Another time recently, with an old INFJ friend who's adolescent daughter has developed some behavioral issues, and then of course, in my own personal romantic relation with one. So, I'm not going to give you some crap about 'how an INFJ could just never, ever be brought to this level of madness' because I know for a fact, they can be. But I don't think it's common, and I'm not sure the resolution would have much to do with their type...

One thing I will mention though (and I have no idea if this IS relevant to your dynamic) is that, with the development of my crappy tertiary Ni, I've noticed that I've had insights into situations where I feel like something is so certain or probable, that I line up all the rest of my ducks with this one thing, concentrating ridiculous amounts of energy/planning... and on the off-chance that the plan does not go as expected, or I am wrong, it is experienced as a tremendous loss. It is something about the rigidity of the perspective, an inability to shift-gears and recognize the value in what did take place, because it falls a tad short from the original ideal and outcome.

So it is possible that there is a bit of this at play with you and your parents. Being dom Ni's, maybe they just cant seem to let go of something they envisioned for you, or of you.. whatever. And I don't even want to get into discussing the manifestation of unhealthy fe, having too many of my own battles with it to be able to give any more 'objective' or helpful insight. I've always had to physically distance myself from it, before reaching a place where I could find compassion and understanding. But you should realize that most parents love their children so very much, they will feel intensely responsible for the success and well-being of that child. Just as they are not some kind of Gods who get to own you, to disregard your personal boundaries in an attempt to mold or manipulate you into some vision they hold - no matter how 'right' or ideal they view it, they are also not the Gods that transcend imperfection, failure, selfishness, agenda, etc. All parents fuck up. They can love you more than life itself, but they are still just people with their own unique struggles, insecurities, desires, coping/defense mechanisms, etc. often absorbed from their parents and upbringing. Usually, they are doing the best they can, with what they know how to do.

Understanding this doesn't mean you should stick around for it though.
I also don't know what kind of resources you have available, but it sounds like you should do everything you can to
financially stabilize yourself, and perhaps see if any friends of friends (who your parents wouldn't be able to directly hassle) want a roommate.
There is always a way, you just got to look for it.

Thank you for this entire post, it means so much to me and it helps, it does. You're right about all this. My parents had very dysfunctional childhoods and I was kidnapped when I was a toddler, so they have that emotional predisposition to be overprotective.

On a completely seemingly unrelated note, I think most cult leaders are INFJ's as well. This isn't a stab at the personality type in general, not at all. On the contrary, I am extremely fascinated by the study of cults and I am thinking of making an academic career of it. It's that level of devotion and dedication to the 'ideal' that fascinates me. And it's the angry outbursts that are hard for me to handle in everyday life.

I don't judge people for their violence, in fact I'm something of a doormat, I've been used and abused and I just don't really care as long as I can have a tranquil environment and focus on what I love.
The fact that my parents are violent towards me isn't really something that, in and of itself, makes me want to distance myself or think of them as awful people.
It's just that my tranquil environment (sleeping in on a Sunday) and the aspects of myself that I consider dear to me (autonomous, spontaneous, creative self-expression, as well as my freedom to question religious dogma) are at stake and I get very defensive about this.

 

[Norrsken]

This has nothing to do with MBTI types and everything to do with the fact that you are raised in an extremely abusive situation. My condolences to you. It may be time to apply for a visa to live some place else, in a whole new country, and just start over. Just a suggestion, since some countries are more expensive than others. Otherwise, just move out and live with somebody who knows of this situation so that they can support you during threatening times. This is no way a normal person should live.

 

[GIjade]

Are you sure your parents are INFJ?

 

[Kho]

Are you sure your parents are INFJ?

Positive.
They have all the light and all the shadow that comes with being that particular type.

 

[ceecee]

I don't judge people for their violence, in fact I'm something of a doormat, I've been used and abused and I just don't really care as long as I can have a tranquil environment and focus on what I love.
The fact that my parents are violent towards me isn't really something that, in and of itself, makes me want to distance myself or think of them as awful people.

I thought I would have something productive to add that might help you but after reading this - I don't think so.