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  1. #1
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Default Dealing with an unhealth INFJ so I come out unscathed.

    My room mate who I'm stuck living with until may is an extremely unhealthy INFJ. I need tips on how to cope, because I often feel like I'm being manipulated, feels like everything has to go her way. She is NEVER at fault, and I'm often stressed when around her. Since I live with her I want to know some ways to either deal with her, or cut her out of my life for the most part. I'm going to go talk to someone anyways, but I would like some perspective from an INFJ who was once unhealthy or anyone whose dealt with one, in the past. What would have you done different? what would you do again?

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...d-sensing.html

    if you read that, that is how she is all the time. It's tiring, and the thing is she doesn't realize how unhealthy she is.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  2. #2
    Senior Member Martian Manifesto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    My room mate who I'm stuck living with until may is an extremely unhealthy INFJ. I need tips on how to cope, because I often feel like I'm being manipulated, feels like everything has to go her way. She is NEVER at fault, and I'm often stressed when around her. Since I live with her I want to know some ways to either deal with her, or cut her out of my life for the most part. I'm going to go talk to someone anyways, but I would like some perspective from an INFJ who was once unhealthy or anyone whose dealt with one, in the past. What would have you done different? what would you do again?

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...d-sensing.html

    if you read that, that is how she is all the time. It's tiring, and the thing is she doesn't realize how unhealthy she is.
    This person is not in a good place. Not saying you should do this, but if you could use your wonderfully nurturing INFP personality you may be able to be a valuable sounding board for this person. INFJs have extreme problems articulating what is going on inside them. One because it comes from Ni which is basically imposssible to verbalize anyway AND INFJs (especially when not in a good place, but pretty much all the time) are very sensitive to criticism.

    Not saying that you have any compulsion to do so of course, but if you did there is a chance that you could be a rare friend to this person. If so, you would have a friend for life. INFJs take friendship very seriously. Once you are in with an INFJ you are in, and "in" in a big way. INFJs are polarized that way.

    If this person is constantly "in the grip" then they are in a great deal of pain. They are not getting what they need from any sector of their life. If you could get this person to talk to you, you may be the only one they have. The INFJ may not say this to you, but if you become that kind of person then they will be your greatest advocate ever.

    Advocacy or manipulation? I know, isn't there another choice with an INFJ?

    ummmm.....uh...well....

    P.S.: I can't believe I am telling you this, but if you really need to get somewhere with an INFJ...they are extremely sensitive to guilt being used on them. They may act like they aren't but they are (Fe). Don't be obvious, just use your wonderul Fi ability to be sad. The INFJ will pick this up and will feel bad. No INFJ likes to leave a situation feeling guilty, they will go to great lengths in order to not see themselves that way. Don't abuse this, but it can help you out in a pinch. I should know, I'm INFJ and so are both of my parents

  3. #3
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    I will say that this situation, is helping me learn to say no. That I need to take care of myself first, and not to be passive. I still need to work on the passiveness, and taking care of myself. I can't keep putting others needs before myself I'm learning this. I need to stand up for what I need, not what I want, what I need. Even if I don't want to do something, like allowing my room mate to keep this dog, I want the dog, but I know she won't have time for it. So maybe he needs to go back, but I really want to keep him.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  4. #4
    Senior Member Martian Manifesto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    I will say that this situation, is helping me learn to say no. That I need to take care of myself first, and not to be passive. I still need to work on the passiveness, and taking care of myself. I can't keep putting others needs before myself I'm learning this. I need to stand up for what I need, not what I want, what I need. Even if I don't want to do something, like allowing my room mate to keep this dog, I want the dog, but I know she won't have time for it. So maybe he needs to go back, but I really want to keep him.
    Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with this person?

  5. #5
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Martian Manifesto View Post
    Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with this person?
    Not a true one, more of she tells me everything I tell her nothing. And this is when she's drunk, so I don't know if I could get her to open up sober. I would like to try, but I don't know how to go about doing this.

    we are friends, it's just she's not the right type of person for me to live with. So even if we didn't live together I'd probably still hang out with her.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  6. #6
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I think that type isn't very relevant in dealing with a situation like this, except in maybe identifying when a person is in an unhealthy state and determining triggers.

    Most people do what has worked for them in the past. The best way to cancel unwanted behaviors is to cease allowing them to be effective.

    Do not take responsibility for her. Don't pay her expenses, do her chores, etc. Don't accommodate her beyond what you believe is reasonable and fair. (It can be hard to determine what is reasonable and fair if you are a giving person, so flip perspectives. Ask yourself what you would think if a friend's roommate was asking this of him/her or treating him/her this way, etc. Don't expect more flex from yourself than you would from anyone else.)

    Do not comply with her attempts to manipulate you. She needs to communicate in a calm, rational, reasonable way. If she does otherwise, warn her once, then leave the room (or whatever) and tell her you can discuss it with her again when she is calm.

    If her unhealthy methods cease to be effective for her, she will either change them to something that does work and you will have a healthier relationship (and she will be a healthier person) or she will move on to someone she can manipulate.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #7
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    So realistically that means not taking care of her dog for her, and means we can't keep him. I mean it's harder with a dog, since it's a living thing. I don't want to give it up, I should have never agreed in the first place. I hope she can prove in the next two weeks that she can be a good mommy to this dog. I don't mind taking him for walks once in awhile, I enjoy playing with him. But if I find myself doing most of the work,since she paid for him and her name is on the adoption papers it's her responsibility.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  8. #8
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    I will say that this situation, is helping me learn to say no. That I need to take care of myself first, and not to be passive. I still need to work on the passiveness, and taking care of myself. I can't keep putting others needs before myself I'm learning this. I need to stand up for what I need, not what I want, what I need.
    Sometimes you NEED to have what you want. Also it's not always a bad thing to put others before yourself, but something I've noticed INFP's often have difficulty with is prioritizing the needs of others, like whose needs are more legitimate and reasonable. They can often disappoint people with legitimate needs who are not asking anything unreasonable (and who gives plenty back in return), in order to pander to someone who doesn't really merit the time they spend on them (and gives nothing back), mainly because the latter will cry if they don't, and the INFP doesn't like conflict. It's easier to disappoint the person who will stoically keep their disappointment inside than the one who'll cry and make you feel bad.

    I've had issues in the past with unhealthy INFJ's, and I haven't really found any way of effectively dealing with them apart from just cutting them dead, which isn't really dealing and far from my ideal solution....

    But your particular issue here being that someone's got a dog and now doesn't want the responsibility and is trying to foist it onto you is pretty much exactly the same position my INFP friend is in. You've got to be firm and say no. Just stop doing anything for the dog and after a week if she's not taking responsibility then get it rehomed.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    So realistically that means not taking care of her dog for her, and means we can't keep him. I mean it's harder with a dog, since it's a living thing. I don't want to give it up, I should have never agreed in the first place. I hope she can prove in the next two weeks that she can be a good mommy to this dog. I don't mind taking him for walks once in awhile, I enjoy playing with him. But if I find myself doing most of the work,since she paid for him and her name is on the adoption papers it's her responsibility.
    Yeah, you'll have to tell her that this is what's going down and give her a deadline, then either relocate the dog or have her sign it over to you if you want it.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #10
    Senior Member Martian Manifesto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    Not a true one, more of she tells me everything I tell her nothing. And this is when she's drunk, so I don't know if I could get her to open up sober. I would like to try, but I don't know how to go about doing this.

    we are friends, it's just she's not the right type of person for me to live with. So even if we didn't live together I'd probably still hang out with her.
    One thing you should know about INFJs (INTJs too in my experience) is that they can appear completely immovable in their operating. So much so that you would think that talking to them is a waste of time. However, I have found that if you talk to the INJ about the way your (you and this person) model of doing things is causing you distress, that the INJs can radically shift their Ni model based on the new data.

    I am not saying that you are at fault, far from it. However, the INFJ must be given the opportunity to hear your thoughts as you are expressing them to us now. You won't know what roads that may open up until you do so. If you realy want to get some resolution, you should have a full sharing talk, at least once. Don't expect the INFJ to switch then. Just talk it all over, then let them go ponder for a while. It is not unlikely that they will come back with a new model for interacting that takes more into account your needs.

    Remember the following things:

    1) INFJs hate feeling guilty. The more reasonable you are when you have this talk the more the INFJ will subconsciously feel an itch that perhaps they aren't being reasonable. They probably won't show this during the talk, but I assure you they will afterwards. INFJs do ruthless appraisals of their conduct on a regular basis. If they know that you are out there with those feelings, and you are a reasonable person and they like you...that shiet will bounce around in their Ni heads until they come up with "the answer". The INFJ will be proud of their "answer" which accomodates a larger vista (both your needs). They will still act like an INFJ but they will be manipulative FOR you not against you.

    2) INFJs LOVE to talk about relationships and how they can be improved and OPTIMIZED. Express how the current things make for tension and that tension causes both INFJs and INFPs to behave not at their best. I am INFJ and my lovely lady-friend of six years is INFP. She uses this tactic on me all the time, to good effect.

    3) INFJs need to step through their intuitions in order to understand them completely. If this INFJ is hurt or immature then the Ni models that she is running on has not been vetted yet. Your conversation with this person could be that for them. It is quite common for my Ni intuitions to make an "a ha" when I am TALKING (Fe) with somebody who is understanding. INFJs have very few people who can provide this valuable function. Again, when I have this 'a ha" while talking I don't usually tell anybody, so don't expect your friend to. They will take these 'a ha" moments and take them back to their hidy place inside and make up a new superior, more encompassing model to fly with for the future with you. The person may present this "new better way" with pride after some pondering (could take days, be patient).

    4) INFJs do not like details and tend not to like to keep track of them (dog stuff). However, Se is part of the INFJ's makeup. Most the INFJs I know (including myself) tend to REALLY REALLY remember CERTAIN Se stuff. This is usually a form of ritualization. By making the Se thing more "formal" it allows the INFJ to "hold onto" it better. What does this mean? I would make part of the talk mentioning (doesn't have to be the first talk) that there will need to be a concrete discussion and WRITING down of the needs of the dog in totallity. When INFJs see their duties made so formal it tends to have a powerful effect on them. When they think about shirking, their Ni (mayby Ti) will say "remember the paper! remember the rules you agreed to! you will look stupid if you don't. our roommate will "be in the right" and will be within their rights to bring it up." That is usually what helps me. I am more evolved so usually I don't need these talks (well sometimes sure). If I think it is going to be a problem FOR ME, I will often initiate this talk to PUT MYSELF ON NOTICE. Otherwise I am very lax with Se stuff.

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