[MBTI General] Are xNFJ's really as nice/caring as they appear?

[Athenian200]

This is a serious thread.

I know a few ENFJ's and maybe one or two INFJ's and these people are seriously too nice to be true. They really do go out of their way to make sure everyone is happy. Are they really as nice inside as they are outside? This is a serious inquiry. Also, what is your reasoning from a practical or theoretical perspective?

And to all the xNFJ's don't be shy, whats your perspective.

Not at all.

NJs are fond of irony. People think xNFJs are nice and xNTJs are mean. But looking under the surface, one could easily come to the opposite conclusion.

In reality, they probably balance out to be about the same, just expressing their meanness/niceness in different aspects of their lives and parts of themselves.

 

[the state i am in]

^^^ agree with above.

i think the enneagram is more relevant to this than type. which has more to do with communication styles and skillset. intj 6s are a really good example of an ntj that seems hard but is really very giving, loyal, nurturing, etc. whereas i am an infj 5 who seems warm for the most part, but has this strange distance, aloof maybe, wanting to maintain independence and freedom from outward extraverted restriction that could limit my ability for inner Perception, keeping inner Ni options open, new information coming in at all times, etc. it makes me seem more of a miser and is more difficult for me to give openly and unchecked bc i at times just sense/focus on the obligations that are formed in such extraverted social exchanges and the limited resources we all possess to make/develop our ideas and cultivate them to fruition. but i must, i must!

9s are nice tho, in every type! and 4s may or may not be better than 5, more dramatic and capable of hysteria, but, goddammit, at least they're more fully giving/generous/in-the-moment! goddamn 5 neuroses!

i imagine all enfjs are 4s. or 4w5s like billy corgan. what else, folks? surely some 4w3s, but maybe some 2w1s? perhaps even 9w8s? 7w6s?

 

[Lexicon]

I'd have to say I'm actually more caring than I may initially appear.
Every bit of me is genuine, though.
I see no point in flattery or traditions/sentiments for their own sake.
I sincerely want to understand and connect, and help if I can. Always.
It's a double-edged sword, when you allow yourself to take that to extremes and stop taking care of yourself. I don't resent others for it, though, nor do I regret helping my friends grow. It's up to me to find a balance. It's tricky at times, but I'm figuring it out. That may be why I don't come off as a super-caring person most of the time these days. I'm concentrating on this balancing act..

But yeah.. I believe most NFJs are very sincere. They don't know how to be any other way when it comes to caring for others. For what reasons, it may vary. But it's all real.

 

[Oddly Refined]

In general, I try to be pleasant to people. There are a select few people that I put my energy into if the help is needed. As I've aged, I've learned that you can't help everyone, so being selective with that type of energy is important. I limit my empathy and those types of interactions. People will take until there is nothing left and it's best to learn your limits. Emotional safeguards are necessary for self-preservation in the physical and emotional sense.

 

[EcK]

Not at all.

NJs are fond of irony. People think xNFJs are nice and xNTJs are mean. But looking under the surface, one could easily come to the opposite conclusion.

And NP are awesome.
Go on, you know you want to say it.

 

[Domino]

My father has a broad collection of WW2 documentary footage, mostly of air battles and dog fights. I find it both fascinating and repellent. It's hard enough for me to watch machines break apart and go to their doom, much less people. I see people in the machines. It can be too much for me. I care too much about every soul. I wish that had a shut off switch, a switch that works when I'm NOT exasperated/tired/in a horrible mood and refuse to care anymore.

 

[Lexicon]

In general, I try to be pleasant to people. There are a select few people that I put my energy into if the help is needed. As I've aged, I've learned that you can't help everyone, so being selective with that type of energy is important. I limit my empathy and those types of interactions. People will take until there is nothing left and its best to learn your limits. Emotional safeguards are necessary for self-preservation in the physical and emotional sense.

A very tough lesson I've begun to fully grasp in the past year.
I'm so glad I see it now, though.

 

[Oddly Refined]

I wish that had a shut off switch, a switch that works when I'm NOT exasperated/tired/in a horrible mood and refuse to care anymore.

My Mother's answer to this was always to find habits or ideas that were distracting. Music, reading, and/or (fill in with pleasant activity here.) Then return to the subject when you calm down.

 

[Oddly Refined]

A very tough lesson I've begun to fully grasp in the past year.
I'm so glad I see it now, though.

Yes, it's a lesson that you will refine and change over time. Don't always expect the same answer since you change with age. The trick is to be able to gauge those changes, be patient, and don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed.

 

[Domino]

My Mother's answer to this was always to find habits or ideas that were distracting. Music, reading, and/or (fill in with pleasant activity here.) Then return to the subject when you calm down.

I absolutely must keep my mind busy. I write a lot, sometimes draw, or get up and walk/pace with music playing until I feel calmer.

I've also taken to rubbing my mother's herd of outdoor cats. One in particular, a giant grey tabby, that is very calm and gentlemanly. We hang out together on the back porch. I rub his ears and he sheds on me. It's a win-win. He waits by the back door for me now, ever so patiently.

The problem with this planet is that people concern me even when I don't WANT to care anymore. They do things to hurt themselves. They do things to hurt others. This in turn causes me pain. Empathy at this level is very difficult to sustain.

It's this kneejerk thing without a fuse I can tear out. Like my recent appt - the girl interviewing me was very nice and a little shy, and ultimately we wound up talking for an hour because she just needed someone to understand her and I was there to do it. I was glad to do it. It's in these unexpected moments that I really feel satisfied, like I truly did help and it was important.

But this level of caring is exhausting and I wish I had a switch to flip to make myself more observational or objective. It's like being strapped to a roller coaster - fun for five minutes, a nightmare for ten.

 

[Phantonym]

The problem with this planet is that people concern me even when I don't WANT to care anymore.

Yes, absolutely.

I think, to the outside world, I might appear more uncaring than I actually am. I am very warm inside but I come off as cold. Most of the time I'm too passive when I see somebody that could use some help. I think about helping them but I hold most my emotions within me, out of fear to seem obtrusive. When people turn to me for help, I will try to do the best I can to help them. But I don't run around the town looking for people to help.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

This is a serious thread.

I know a few ENFJ's and maybe one or two INFJ's and these people are seriously too nice to be true. They really do go out of their way to make sure everyone is happy. Are they really as nice inside as they are outside? This is a serious inquiry. Also, what is your reasoning from a practical or theoretical perspective?

And to all the xNFJ's don't be shy, whats your perspective.

you know what? i know i'm a smartass, and i seek the Truth and i like to fancy myself a 'master debator' ala austin powers (that's for you, syn!), i suspect all because of my strong Te..........

but i really am very nice and very waarrrrmmmmm. i honestly see the best in everyone and when i smile at you and engage with you, i'm really not faking it at all. i think you're awesome and i want to know about you. what makes you tick, what i can do for you. i do judge you initially, size you up, and maybe even categorize/label you in my brain--i can't help it--but then i give you the benefit of the doubt and wish only the best for you. hard as it may be to believe, there is no underlying malevolence.

i'm always willing to give you another chance too. much to my own detriment sometimes. i would rather suffer emotionally (because i am just more able to suffer) and sacrifice my own 'happiness' than watch a loved one suffer.

the world is hard on us. reminds me of that character in that book, "the secret life of bees." the one girl that feels the worlds' pain. i can't really read bad news anymore or it sticks in my brain and makes me feel bad.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I rub his ears and he sheds on me. It's a win-win.

girl, you are sooo funny! hah!

 

[Domino]

Yes, absolutely.

I think, to the outside world, I might appear more uncaring than I actually am. I am very warm inside but I come off as cold. Most of the time I'm too passive when I see somebody that could use some help. I think about helping them but I hold most my emotions within me, out of fear to seem obtrusive. When people turn to me for help, I will try to do the best I can to help them. But I don't run around the town looking for people to help.

Well naturally we don't want to interject ourselves. That's something that's held me back many times myself. I get shy at the worst moments.

I've had to learn to be selective (or MORE selective) about who I allow to take my energy. It can inflict heavy casualties if I don't get selective. I have too many fires to put out to go actively seeking more. I'm not a martyr or a do-gooder. I think the other NFJs get what I mean.

girl, you are sooo funny! hah!

Why fankee!

He's such a sugar mouse! When the other cats are mobbing me and being quite rude, he gets up on the railing and waits for me to make my rounds, and then I hang out with him. He's freakishly soft. He was very timid the first years we had him (he and his brother are both very shy and sensitive), so I spent some time desensitizing him to being touched. He really loves it now, but I think only because I'm so careful with him. You have to be polite. hhahaha... silly critters... At least he isn't big enough to push me around the yard with his nose like my horse did.

 

[Skyward]

If I don't get the right vibe from someone, they don't get my good side very often. I'm like a porcupine, the soft spot is hidden because of the predators, but if I think you're type that'll rub my belly I'll roll over for you

As a deep introvert, though, my empathy is fairly weak, and reading Pink's posts helps me understand that empathy isn't exactly all that it's cracked up to be.

 

[Storiesandstorms]

I hope that we are as nice as that and live up to what you have perceived. Personally I do want a softer gentler world without conflict where people respect one another and get along. It is kind of like that Dixie Chicks song "More Love." However, the world is obviously not always like that, but INFJ's probably strive to find their own little microcosm where they can create a softer gentler world...and I think we are more prone to activism for equality and peace. At least, I know I am and I have heard the same about other INFJ's. I will say that I get judgemental about people who are judgemental--haha if that makes sense. I am judgemental if you are not open-minded! I really hate it when people think everyone should follow the status quo and that they are somehow deficient or bad if they don't. These are people who can sometimes be really draining to me. Hope this helps!

 

[FC3S]

I don't trust ENFJs. They're friendly, and very supportive, but there is a certain barrier they will not be allowed to cross.

As for INFJs, they actually make some kind of sense. If they're on my side, they make it clear as day. If they're not on my side or are someone in the wild - I tread with caution.

 

[firstjudge]

I can't speak for everyone else but I know that I can come off very cold and unapproachable, even conceited and snobbish to those who don't know me. It's a wall I put up because I don't feel comfortable with certain "types" of people. So in that regard I tend to be somewhat judgemental by placing people in categories - people I can relate to, and people I cannot relate to. I can be very cold to those who fall under the people I cannot relate to category - usually the overly-bubbly, extroverted trend following types that wears me out with their seemingly artificial and energy-draining personalities. But if they ever find themselves in a difficult situation or struggle which shows a more sincere side of them I begin to warm up to them. I am however very warm and sincere to those I respect and care about even if I don't show it with hugs and kisses.

 

[simulatedworld]

Depends on the person.

The NFJ's unique interpersonal skills are used for good by some, and evil by others.

Most NFJs convince themselves that whatever they're doing is somehow FOR the greater good, but whether or not it's actually good will depend on what sort of morals they absorbed from the environment they grew up in. (Supposedly, Fe tends to take its moral bearings more from the external environment than does Fi.)

 

[amelie]

I really do care about people - it's sincere, not an act or whatever. I'm close to be an xNFJ, but lean a little to the I side, so it may be different for people who are more extreme in the introvert direction, but I need people around me, and I also need a lot of time alone, because connecting with people is both important to me and also taxing. I can come off as aloof at first, and I agree with the person who said that with age, I've gotten better about deciding whom to let in and connect with - so some people don't get past that initial first impression. But if I commit to a relationship with someone, I'm pretty much in it whole heartedly, and will do whatever I can to be helpful and supportive.

I'm married to an INTJ, and I don't get the comment about INTJ's and INFJ's being the same. My husband, who is admittedly only one INTJ, is just fine not being around others and doesn't particularly care to connect with anyone outside of his close friends. He's also not particularly empathic. That is very different from me - I can almost not avoid connect with other people's feelings (even if I don't know them) and introjecting into the situation. I have to be very careful who I hang with and what I watch or read or it can become overwhelming to me - that is not at all like an INTJ. Just MO.