[INFJ] Sensitivity to partner's mood/condition... (INFJ/INFP)

[inner_silence]

Hey, I am new here, a thoroughly researched and self-confirmed INFJ (not without lots of Ti looping before getting there)

Since INFJs are prone to picking up people's moods and conditions, I bet many of you will resonate, and I would really appreciate your opinion and tips on how to deal with the below issue.
My partner is INFP (99% sure, the remaining 1% goes to ISFP since he a) cannot write (except for work), though his spoken language can be very poetic, and is not overtly creative in other forms, but in some very subtle everyday ways b) is quite good with detail and sensation. But if I were to list what makes him INFP it would make a loooong list, plus the unspoken connection that I would have hardly had with a sensor totally speaks in favor of it.)

We are both very sensitive. And what I have noticed is the following pattern. He is a bit tired/has something on his mind but won't admit, cause
a) Fi
b) one of the strongest objects of his Fi is my well-being and mental balance. I have had quite a few mental and physical struggles, which he has got me through, but since I am still unstable he tries to protect me from anything that can throw me off balance, even if it means he won't show me what he feels.

But I still pick it up. As well as his hesitation and worry about my present condition. So, I feel his condition and his worry at the same time.
But my Fe means my feeling that something is off is written all over my face. And voice. So he picks it up again, and his worry inflates. So does my irritation/confusion/helplessness. And if we spend a day together in such a situation, it slowly but surely grows, until he grows more tired, and I just go off the rails.
So far the only thing that has worked at such times was him leaving me completely alone for a while.
Today I'm experimenting, trying to come back to normal by typing stuff over here and listening to music, while he is reading a book in the same room.

But it is not so much about coming back to normal, but about future communication strategies.
If I have sensed he is tired (sometimes he may not be realizing it himself cause he is all about others!), how do I stop it from making an imprint on me and thus, as a chain reaction, on him?
How do I deal with an INFP in such a situation? Any way I can make it easier for him?
He is lovely when his energy levels are high and we do stuff together, but when one of us is low the other is automatically low, and I find it pretty frustrating.

Any tips appreciated
Feel free to share your experience or start a discussion.

Thank you!

 

[INTP]

You have idntified the problem, now that you know where things go wrong, do thst thing differently, and voilá. If you want things differently from his side, tell him the root problem and tell him to do things differently, because its obvious to both of you that the way you do things now is not working well and doing it differently would give better results.

 

[inner_silence]

Very concise and rational, thank you!
The problem is that those "things" involve quite involuntary emotional reactions, but since we are both committed to solving problems together, we should find a way to get around that.

 

[21%]

Hi

I've been with my INFP boyfriend for 6 years. I understand exactly what you're talking about.

In my experience, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1) Fe worries about negative moods. We feel that it's a cry for help and we want to fix it. Don't do this! It took me the longest time to figure this out.
2) He might not be willing to tell you everything. Even when you want to help, if he doesn't willingly share, don't press, especially if he's trying to conceal it.

Things you can do:
- Be happy. It's perfectly okay for you to be all cheerful and full of joy. You can acknowledge that he's unhappy and offer to listen if he needs to, and if he doesn't take up the offer, just continue to do your thing and be happy. Don't feel guilty about feeling happy when he's unhappy. In my experience, sometimes my happiness is contagious and he ends up feeling better just by being around me.
- Don't feel like the day is a total fail if you cannot make him feel better. He definitely doesn't view it that way. If you hold onto this thought he will sense your disappointment, which, in turn will make him more stressed.
- Try to enjoy "being together" regardless of whether either of you are happy or not. It's okay if both of you just sit there and be unhappy.
- Sometimes he might not even want to be cheered up. You can try, and he will probably appreciate the effort, but it's not guaranteed to work. It's not your fault, and don't feel bad or disappointed if it doesn't work.
- Concentrate on what you feel, not the outcome of your actions. This means you can do nice things for him if you want to, and be attentive of his needs. But don't try to control the outcome in that he will then have to be happy.
- All these points are actually the same point: You cannot fix his unhappiness, and that's perfectly okay.

It's going to be hard to do, because it goes against our nature. It took me quite a bit of practicing to stop feeling terrible when I cannot fix his problems. The helpful people on the forums basically told me all these things, but for the longest time I couldn't really understand what they meant. I do now, but sometimes I still have to remind myself.

Good luck

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

This does sound like a very fixable issue because it sounds like it is about two sensitive people trying to protect and care for each other's emotions, but ending up in a negative feedback loop.

Is there a way to just completely change the emotional climate by becoming silly, perhaps watching a funny movie, or going to get an ice cream cone, or something else very simple, but fun?

I know that feeling when a man gets distant when unhappy, and even if it is kind in its motivation, it can feel very austere and like rejection. My partner and I are both NFs and the redirection to silliness seems to work pretty well. It is just redirecting the energy into something simpler and more positive. Those internalized, negative emotions can be about a lifetime of pain and contain levels of complexity that are nearly incomprehensible, so I find it helps to just revert to silly innocence and happiness to alleviate it.

 

[inner_silence]

21%, thank you very much ! Nice to get feedback from someone with a similar experience.
This is very useful advice.
I guess this goes for "tired but will not admit" as well, cause this is more of an issue than mood right now. I tend to go all "Why, why did not you sleep properly just because I didn't? Don't do this anymore!" lol. Or "I can SEE something is wrong, just tell me what it is". I suppose this may, for an Fi dominant, may be in fact harder than the lack of sleep or some inner blues in and of itself.
I have never been able to keep anything to myself in relationships or use any tactics however innocent, which may be a problem sometimes. Perhaps sometimes I need to keep my insights to myself and think of some quiet ways to make the situation better... And, as you said, not worry if I cannot

fia, yet another great advice, thanks!
I guess he doesn't really get distant, but he is not his usual self and he reflects my weaker sides at times like that, which in turn drives me mad.
Should try this silliness thing! Until recently I struggled with depression, OCD and the like so much I could not really comprehend the meaning of "silly" or "laugh", and sure not have energy to do some conscious interference in this respect. But now I should be capable of that!


By the way, do you think this kind of loop would be possible between INFJ and ISFP?
Still trying to explain to myself the "untypable" part of his personality (I do realize it is not that simple, aware of stereotypes but still).
Also, would an ISFP be likely to spend a looong time caring for a person with all sorts of mental and emotional troubles and basically helpless in everyday life, even if it meant forgoing their own needs (and not noticing it)?